i give in to the sad people
   listening
nodding knowingly
pretending to understand
and realizing
my sadness is nothing
compared to what possesses them
i see glimmers of hope
   in a day filled with dread
i can control my tears
   when blasted with ignorant
                                    condemnation
and i can hold my own
when ridiculed, insulted
and debased
my sadness does not encompass
    nor break me
i don't seek pity
or cry for attention
my heart has survived being broken
and has toughened with time
i don't have a hand to hold
or a shoulder to lean on
but i am strong
             hard
       impenetrable

i think i've beaten sadness
   but in return
became a wall of lonely
            strength.

the harder i listen,
   wait,
and anticipate
the positive
to come through the door
eventually
             that door
becomes a wall
that keeps
   the positive
                       out

so...
    i'm attempting
   not to think
which i frantically
wrap my brain around
so that no thoughts
suddenly become thoughts
of what i'm trying
not to
think about.

i look for you
     always

     i’ll catch a flash of you
in the dark shadows
of a smokey bar
     or hear the scuff of your boot
on the beer soaked floor
     or the glimpse of black leather
as a door slowly closes

     i smell the aroma of you
while entering a book store
following it towards
the mysteries and horror
only to have the scent fade
somewhere between self help
and biographies

     i feel you
next to me in bed at night
spellbound by the very thought of you
aching to hold you
then saddened by the fact
that your side of the bed is empty

you've left me, i know
   and foolish, i may be
but it gives me comfort
   knowing you can arouse my senses
just by imagining you're still around.

the ticking of a clock
   becomes unbearable
trying to direct my focus
to something else in the room
a fly buzzing at the window
makes me itchy
      which doesn't help
the    drip    drip    drip
of the faucet
soaks my brain
until i can hear nothing else
   neighbors laughing
          dogs barking
    a cars brakes screeching
the sounds of today
keep my sanity                    in
insanity
too much idleness
an overabundance of time
             alone
brings out the madness
   i am trying to conceal

but at the same time
i yearn for the world
                               to know.

sitting cross legged
on the floor
breathing in
                  breathing out
trying so hard
            so desperately
to erase you from my life
your dirt
has corroded my very soul
damage control is useless
so all i can do
is try to eliminate you now
before you cause me
further pain
so i continue to
breath in
            breath out
willing you to disappear
   with every breath.

being bounced around
   while standing still
being pulled this way
                 and that
while holding onto solid ground
the emotional disturbance
is rabid in my brain
taking each cell
                   dividing
       and dissecting
until i'm an experimental mass
of total confusion

that's
how you make me feel.

you can't summarize me
for you don't know me

i won't allow it

i give only so much

i will not show weakness
     i won't shed tears
or beg for a hug
     i won't cry
    after your proclamation of hate  

no matter how hard you pull
you cannot bring me down

the dirt you sling
                     the pity you seek
cannot touch me

you're becoming desperate
and in desperation
you will fail

and you will be alone

and all i had to do
                was
nothing.

the poetic soul
screams love!

there can be
no greater poem
than one written
with a broken heart

passion oozes
from fingers
typing words
encased in agony

a being
wallowing in self pity
makes oh, such embraceable poetry

blood soaked keypad
from overworked fingers
desperate to convey
the pain held within

give me a spirit
crushed by love
and i will give you
a kick *** poem!

maybe
i should've given you
a second chance

love
is a great subject
for a poem,
    or a novel,
       a movie,
or documentary

there have been discussions,
   studies,
       theories,
      thoughts,
and opinions

doctors have analyzed it
picked it apart
and made assumptions
to try and explain
this most complex
of emotions

every person feels it differently

some people embrace it
others fend it off passionately

it can be the most euphoric
of feelings
but also leave a person
devastated beyond relief

it has provoked suicide
and laid the groundwork
for ******

it is a feeling that can't be taught

there is no right
      and no wrong
way to go about it

every love affair
has a different start
and an unpredictable end

but one thing is certain
when the end does come
the scars it leaves
cannot ever
    be fully healed

so really...

is it truly better
to have loved and lost
than to never have loved
in the first place?

skip a rock
across the water
and hope for more than three
                                skips
but where does the last skip
   put the rock

spiraling towards the bottom
   of the lake
making snuffing the life
of an unsuspecting fish.

don't blame others
for your shortcomings
nor look at them
in contempt
you've chosen your path
are following your planned destiny
and any blame
you feel must be thrown
     should be accepted
by the person you see
in the mirror.

there's alone
    & being lonely
embracing solitude
    & being friendless
having your own thoughts
secured with solid belief
   not needing approval
     not waiting for acceptance
being comfortable
   with yourself
and with what you project
and believe in
feeling peace
     in the way you choose
to live your life

feeling solid
with who you are.

blown apart by a glance
withered by a look
stomped
      battered
   and beaten
without a hand being raised
or a word spoken
the power to destroy
just by turning your head slightly
and giving a cold eyed stare
the words have already been spoken
the bruises long healed
    and covered up
and now the power you've built
               is kept alive
deep within your eyes.

i watch you walk away
leaving a grey cloud
in your wake
as the heals of your boots
scrape the dusty road

and my last memory of you
   is lost
           in a puff of smoke.

to become whole
i must become
    empty

to live in purity
i must cleanse my soul
of suffocating thoughts
   to be swept away
and replaced with
        the truth
           of heart gripping love

the love that surrounds me
has been suppressed
   quieted
       muffled
i will allow it
a voice
so it can sing to me
a song of beauty
           and peace
while offering me a chance
               at pure happiness.

she stood watching him
  swinging slowly
     from side to side
his feet mere inches
   above the floor
she noticed his right shoe
       was untied
she bent down
and absently tied it
   gave his leg a little pat
looking up at his face
she realized he never looked
   so peaceful
she wiped away a teardrop
and put it to his lips
whispering
         good bye
as she heard
approaching sirens in the distance.

GO BLACKHAWKS!

looking into your eyes
i see the pain of our past
and the pain
you are experiencing now
i wish i could turn back time
to the moment i last loved you
but with you having witnessed
a bleak future without me
then maybe
            maybe
we could comfort each other
now.

crayon colored pictures
show the innocence
of childish art
giving colors
where none were intended
making happy faces
out of gloom
showing rainbows
in storm clouds
bringing to life
flattened outlines
on a simple page.

i walk with you
feeling protected
by your arm
          casually draped
across my shoulders
i don't know
if we've walked blocks
       or miles
because when i'm in
the comfort of you
             time doesn't matter.

grab my hand
and come with me
we'll float amongst
     the stars
while looking down
on people and things
   below us
laughing at their naivety
   in not knowing
what exists
in the simple grasp
of a hand.

the rain outside my window
grabs my attention
and lifts me
to the places
of my dreams.

i'm bewildered
by the weakness you project
compared to the madness
i've witnessed
directed towards
        me.

do you even know
your true self?

sitting in traffic
looking around me
   at all these people
     going with the flow
moving slowly forward
   or shooting frantically past
          in a hurry
or biding time
        waiting
to reach a destination
that puts them through the motions
of this mediocre thing
we all call life.

i've opened my arms
and tossed the feelings
of my soul
         to the world

     take them

give them back to me
   cleansed
      purified of dirt
and wholesome
   and i'll cradle them tightly
against my chest
      to be soaked up
by my heart.

you
       of all people
i thought
              would not
hurt me

but you did

i try to ease my mind
by thinking
you were inebriated
                         lost in a haze

but that doesn't make it hurt
                              any less

i always believed
that a soaked brain
                speaks the truth
but if that is true

then i have been crushed
by my one true love

you

my son.

the flame is burning
   behind my eyes
     blurring my vision
then slowly sharpening the edges
   causing this place
to break up into pieces
of shattered
          nothingness
filling me with an uneasiness
that begs for sleep
to keep me in blackness
    and unaware
of the turmoil that surrounds me

          until i wake
and realize

that nothing has changed.

i woke up breathing in
   another day greeting
     me
my heart beating
   within me needing
     peace
my eyes pleading
   my arms retreating
     lost
my soul bleeding
   my spirit receding
     alone...

misleading dreaming.

can you bend what i give you
   so that we fit
         like a puzzle
nothing forced
only smoooooth connections
         all the way around
so that the finished product
is one admired by artists
              and lovers
alike?

dew drops
rain drops
lemon drops
dropped ball
drop kick
side kick
kick in the ***
*******
*******
jack of all trades
jack of hearts
heartache
heartbreak
break my heart
break up
up your ***
up up and away

i love words.

do you ever look at a little kid
bouncing a ball
and just want to take that ball
and bounce it off his head?

no, me neither.

i remember the joking
   the sarcasm
and the solitude

    and your confusion...
   ... with me

and your disappointment
or so you once said
it started and ended there, though
   with that one statement
you weren't hurtful
i don't think you wanted that
and it did make me sad
but it also made me love you all the more

that was you
             one statement
said and then put aside
which had a bigger impact on me
than anyone else has had since

i am you

in my joking
   my sarcasm
and especially my solitude
of which i don't know whether to thank
or curse you for

i do miss you
   your intelligence
         your poise

and your love, dad
i miss that most of all.

i find no honesty
    in a toothy grin
...no satisfaction
     in a winking eye
your words of worship
       nonsense
the flattery you toss
      ridiculous
your praise
           empty
your claim of undying love
           worthless

the day i see truthfulness in your stare
              feel true compassion within your arms
    then
               and only then
will i welcome you
into my untainted
                          embrace.

such a sad, lost girl
holding tightly
onto what she feels
                     to be love.

      giving
                       giving
     giving

then silently waiting
                to take
but nothing is offered to her

so she's left
looking into an empty glass
that once held tears
     sprung forth
from a much damaged soul
                 and an even deeper
damaged heart.

so lost
        so fearful

     not realizing that what she seeks
is buried deep within
                               herself.

his eyes were a ****** brown
like a million other eyes
                      before him
he was of average height
                  weight
slight bump on his nose
lopsided grin
would go unnoticed in a crowd

but when he opened his mouth

             wow

hearts melted
the populace swooned

and all his arsenal consisted of
was clever conversation.

looking around me
    inside & out
i notice holes
in almost everything

day or night
sunshine & rain
pieces are missing
fulfillment hasn't been reached
       voided feelings
          unfulfilled desires
empty hearts
     and heads
people holding onto to anything
   just to hold onto something

    settling for less
expecting nothing more
riding the wave of discontent
and going with the flow

having it all end
by being just another
         unnoticeable whisper

with never having made
                      a difference.

at times i find myself
talking poetically
            getting crazy-eyed looks

and when i do
i stare back in wonderment
            then sympathy
realizing i am sharing space
with a very colorless
         uncreative
    ordinary
mind.

i've been praying to god
even though i question  his existence
but i need something
      someone
to call upon
   sometimes
i had avoided him for a long time
refused to acknowledge
any truth in the
                actuality of a god

        and i am still skeptical

but there is a comfort
in feeling a bit spiritual

and it is nice knowing
that there may be someone
        something
that's watching out for me

even if it is myself.

take this day and live

they stood under a cloudy sky
staring
             eye to eye
a trickle rolled down her cheek
uncertain if it were a tear
  or raindrop

he kissed it, not caring

she looked up at him
       as it began to pour.

i can never see myself
devoting my whole being
   to one person
i don't consider that
selfish
i consider that
being true to          me
   me
           me
   me
and me.
i am devoted
to the one person
i can truly count on...always
                
whether i'm
                happy
    sad
                         discouraged
         *******
          dislocated
disassociated
                      ­    bored
  uncaring
                                thrilled
  t­urned on
turned off
                  willing
               or able
it's all about                    me
          me
   me
             me

and me.

be true to yourself.

i like being alone
but something tells me i shouldn't
i do not want to cave
and become what is expected
which is so far from what i want
the tug of war inside of me
    is exhausting
for when i think i've finally found
       peace
the other half wants normalcy
which is so far from what i want
the sordid looks tell me
     silly isn't good
the grunts and head shaking tells me
   weird isn't accepted
and the admonishment tells me
   i'm really not loved
           or am i
what really worries me, though
   is my own doubt
of what i'm feeling in my heart
           to be true to self.

strange bedfellows we do make
where have i heard that
but looking at you
next to me
              asleep
looking peaceful
i know that this is true
i wouldn't have picked you
   from a crowd
but you picked me
and i gave it a chance
out of loneliness, maybe
      ... feeling *****, quite possibly
and i'm glad i did
because strange can be good
when it comes to bedfellows.

the pain dissipates
as soon as she turns the corner
and he sees her smile
the pumping of his heart
engulfs his soul
and turns muddy sickness
into something alive
with each of her footsteps
his heart pumps harder
   & deeper
replenishing his body
with the pure redness of life

his life support has arrived
    disguised as angel
            in combat boots.

i need new boots
these are just too worn out
   scuffed up
      the sole is cracked
   the leather beaten...
but ****
  i love these boots
we've been through a lot...
i've worked in 'em
    partied in 'em
        vacationed with 'em
      kissed
  hugged
       kicked off and
******* with 'em
      nah
i'll hold onto 'em for awhile
these babies carry way more
than my feet.

i've blown the head off
of a furry dandelion
watching the seedlings
twisting and turning
in the gentle breeze
to land softly in my neighbors yard
anticipating with an evil hunger
his cursed filled exclamations
at a lawn covered with weeds.

there's a drop left in the bottle
and i let it slowly
drip down my throat
closing my eyes
and accepting what little burn
that drop offers
fumbling for the pack of cigarettes
my hands shake slightly
as i light one
   easing back slowly
     breathing in deeply
and enjoying the peace that consumes me
for whatever little time
i have it for

this is heaven.

you were given life
but you don't have to accept
the initial terms

you can take it
spin it around
turn it on it's axis
and start in a new direction

you're not happy
   change it!

risk making enemies
& losing friends
that probably never were

grab sadness
& depression
by the neck
and choke the life out of 'em

never give up the search
for happiness...
  contentment
     peace

it's all there if you'd only look hard enough.

he was 65, his wife was 66, had
Alzheimer's disease.

he had cancer of the
mouth.
there were
operations, radiation
treatments
which decayed the bones in his
jaw
which then had to be
wired.

daily he put his wife in
rubber diapers
like a
baby.

unable to drive in his
condition
he had to take a taxi to
the medical
center,
had difficulty speaking,
had to
write the directions
down.

on his last visit
they informed him
there would be another
operation: a bit more
left
cheek and a bit more
tongue.

when he returned
he changed his wife's
diapers
put on the tv
dinners, watched the
evening news
then went to the bedroom, got the
gun, put it to her
temple, fired.

she fell to the
left, he sat upon the
couch
put the gun into his
mouth, pulled the
trigger.

the shots didn't arouse
the neighbors.

later
the burning tv dinners
did.

somebody arrived, pushed
the door open, saw
it.

soon
the police arrived and
went through their
routine, found
some items:

a closed savings
account and
a checkbook with a
balance of
$1.14
suicide, they
deduced.

in three weeks
there were two
new tenants:
a computer engineer
named
Ross
and his wife
Anatana
who studied
ballet.

they looked like another
upwardly mobile
pair.