Thinking: the talking of the soul with itself.
- Plato

the moon hangs
steady and bright
in the dark sky
night animals
   moan
cradling its power
   creeping
in ****** agony
desperately seeking
to be consumed
by something lesser,
   powerless,
     but potent

the hunt continues
deep into the night
   moonstruck
until carnal hunger
is satisfied.

i understand now
why they call you the sandman
for you have come to me
with such intensity
even the cold hard slap
of the icy ocean
couldn't wash the sleepiness
from my eyes.

i've spinned the bottle of life
and it stopped
at the *****.

the boy spins a top
while the girl watches
her eyes spinning
as the colors go round & round
the boy falls into fits of laughter
when the girl looks at him
in cross eyed surprise.

you asked me to join you
back to the world that was once a part of us
   so, so long ago
for you're still frequenting the same stops
   visiting the same people
sharing the same stories
     the same
     always the same
you don't seem to realize
   or to accept
i'd grown tired of the same
   bored with the predictable
     sick of you
because you're stuck with the same
   and you're happy with that

but me, now
   i'm different.

i passed a man with a storm in his eyes
   spitting grey and blue
he cursed whichever demons
   had taken over his mind

he seemed oblivious to his surroundings
  and to me
but he did walk with a purpose
as if walking fast & furiously
would cast out the pain
that consumed his head

i watched as he suddenly
   struck himself, violently
stumbling back a bit
   he paused
then shook his head and laughed
his stride slowed
                             way
                                      down
he whistled
glanced at the sky
   and then at me
he winked, turned on his heal
and was gone.

   it was that simple.

the day has ended
   with a blank stare
unaware of where the time has gone
not knowing what has passed
feeling voided
   of what could have been.

this day has been hungry
but has left me famished & empty

surprising for a friday.

a babe
having a baby
thinking all is just rosy
cute lil nose
   wiggly toes
soft skin
   cute laugh
fashionable clothes
teeny, tiny shoes
in all colors...
little hands reaching
to capture your heart

then...


ear shattering screams
   dream stomping cries
wretchedly soiled diapers
   colic
chicken pox
   measles
mumps
   ear ache
tooth aches
   bruised knees
stitched cuts
school friends
   best friends
bullies
   first loves
soft crying from her room

but always
   always

little hands reaching
to capture your heart.

i'd like to grab a stranger
   from the street
hold them upside down
and shake

just to see what falls out

if anything.

i use your words
as a bandage
encircling my heart
trying to hold together
what little is left
     of love

        but

the anguish
and bitterness
have torn apart
any semblance of healing

and no words
or kind expressions
can mend something
with pieces missing.

a shadow plays with my mind
crossing the room
ending in the chair
where you used to sit
and for a very brief moment
my heart skips a beat in anticipation
halted by thoughts
of how it used to be.

she stumbled over her common sense
which she thought she had lost
many years ago
                       to her first love.

seems it'd been borrowed out
to every love thereafter.

a heart that's never been broken
is a heart that's never felt love

rolling through the night
on a cascade of melancholy
   wishing for days past
     expecting change to days present
       alive with hope
for days to come.

walking along
the cobble ****** street
i drop pieces
of my shattered dreams
to be swept up
by the street cleaner
and deposited
into a pile of *******.

at times
i feel i am floating comfortably
on the waves
of insanity.

today, i'm within myself
looking out
and wondering
where exactly is that hand
that reaches out for me?

or have i slapped it away
so many times
they've finally given up?

he had a black hat
pulled down past his ears
and a weathered cane
that he tap tap tapped
along the sidewalk
he would offer a grumble
or a nod
to passersby
but basically kept to himself
and seemed very much at peace
tap tap tapping
along the sidewalk.

push me into the night
and protect me with darkness
where my dreams can come alive
and bring me to worlds
beyond my imagination

encircle me in fantastic wishes
and fulfilling moments
filled with peace & gratitude
embraced by those who love me.

a storm grips my soul
   clouding hope
     encircling it with darkness
     & torrents of sadness
pulling me deeper & deeper
   suffocating me with despair
and holding me down
   with fingers of pain.

duly noted*
what does that even mean...
...that you are correctly recording
my words of anguish
and disbelief
of the fact that you are
punishing a completely
innocent person
nonetheless?

duly noted.

if the wind blows just right
i can hear voices coming
from the bar down the street
   drunken giggles that make me smile
alcohol soaked singing
   making me laugh out loud
i think i'll join them
   clinking sloshy mugs of beer
   telling off color jokes
and sharing in the camaraderie
   amongst the people
     in a small corner bar.

my mind was the canvas
soaking up your words
   like paint
leaving me with a watercolored picture
   of a love.

it'll be a ****** shame
if i leave this earth
without knowing
true
happiness.

a ****** shame.

i want to help you
the person with the fake smile
   hiding behind a mask
      of forced happiness
why do you do it?
why do you want the world to see you
    as something you are not?
don't project happiness
because that's what's to be expected
people can handle happy
it makes them feel content
if they assume you are happy
but what does that leave you
   nothing
      empty
         unfulfilled
& burdened with carrying
that extra heavy weight
   of uncertainty
      uncomfortableness
just to comfort everyone else
be free with your sadness
   cry
      rain tears of despair
         open your arms, desperately
and plead with your eyes
   beg
      ask
for someone
   anyone
to grab ahold of you
and squeeze you tight
whispering
that everything
will be alright

expressing your sadness
   reaching out for help
      is the only real road
to recovery

the only real road
to peace.

quiet holds the end of the day
a stillness in the air
stifles the excitement that held us
just hours before
time to wind down
turn on the lights
sip that last glass of wine
and ready ourselves
for the beginning of a new week.

i have memories of church
as being something
required
five days a week
   plus sundays
walking in a straight line
   no talking!
don't even acknowledge
   your neighbor
the closer we got
hands became folded
heads bowed
enter in complete and utter
     SILENCE!
repeating the responses
all known by heart
never really understanding the meaning
the final AMEN!
and out the door we went
a little more relaxed
sometimes a quiet whisper
a small giggle...

i guess making our way towards god's house
was much more sacred
than leaving.

his eyes were like silk
brushing softly on my face
leaving me dreamlike

her hair was the color of
   lemon peel
her eyes a crystalline blue
   skin porcelain
delicate fingers
were curled slightly
seemingly in wait
for something to fill them
her lips pursed oh so delicately
as waiting for a kiss
or whistling a simple tune
her expression was stuck
in a careless emotion
never feigning surprise
         happiness
        sadness
    or anger
and she sits & waits
for the inevitable squeeze
that comes from the excitable little girl
not feeling a thing
but offering comfort & love
just by being there.

within your arms
i felt invincible

you protected me from the world
but you couldn't protect me from yourself.

i wait for you
   in the dark
     expectant
       anxious
         prepared
but as the darkness
fades into light
a single teardrop
tells me you aren't coming

my heart is offering me
the comfort of my tears
until the next time.

a love that's grown boring
two hearts...unattached
   wandering eyes
     watching with intense longing
a need that goes unfulfilled
   a want that becomes desperate
an act that cannot be reprieved
   a separation
a departure
the end of something
   at one time cherished
a new beginning
in the wrong direction.

glass cuts his body
        up
          down
     in
    out
and all the way through
until he is ravished by
an euphoric state
only he understands
he's bathed in blood
which to his eyes
is beautiful
               exhausted
he crashes to the floor
complacent
in long awaited sleep.

grab a stick
and set it aflame
wave it in front of your face
and imagine you are in hell
close your eyes
to feel the heat
   steady
     steady
don't bring it too close
for if you end it like this
you'll be facing the real thing
baby.

if it takes one of us
to act grown up & rational
i nominate you

i'm too uptight
to fake composure.

there's a shadow that follows her
she knows not why
so she's been using it
for comfort
like an old blanket
that keeps her warm
on the coldest of nights
it cannot be stamped out
     or smothered
and
it never leaves
through the brightest day
and the darkest night
it envelopes her
holding on
like a stubborn child
not wanting to let go
so...
she's accepted it
lives with it
and goes about her days
with the heavy burden of that shadow
clinging to her back
   weakening her
slowly bringing her down

but because she knows nothing else
it has become a part of her
that may never leave.

will you offer me...

   an ear
to listen to my hopes
   my dreams
     and my fears
    eyes
to see beyond what is placed before you
into the depths that make me
who i am
   arms
to hold me when i am afraid
   light
to replace the darkness
that sometimes envelopes me
    an open mind
to accept things about me
you don't understand
    your soul
so that i can hide out there
when i need to be alone
                          with you
    & your heart
so i know that i am safe
without questioning
                         the reason why

give these things to me
and i will give you all that i am

i promise.

...she looked at me
   wide eyed
     mouth forming a small O
and i wanted to bottle her up
put her on a shelf
and keep her innocent
forever.

i follow a lonely, maybe just alone,
woman down the street
     watching her
as she glances at shop windows
or maybe she's taking a peek
at her reflection

i don't know why i follow her
maybe it's to see where she goes
   maybe it’s to take a glimpse into her life...

does she meet with friends
   have a lover
does a dog greet her at the door
   or is there a sick mother
in constant demand of something
   maybe a beer bellied husband
stinking of filth, ***** & sweat
   who gets his kicks
   out of smacking her around

                     or

maybe she's alone
   living a life
devoid of restrictions
     commitments
        permissions
& approval
a life that allows her
to wander the streets at any time
absently glancing into shop windows

a life empty of love?

i thought of you the other day
and realized my memories
   are quite blurred

i'm still trying
to wrap my head around
this whole
all you need is love
thing.

grey skies
feed the grass
    & expand the earth
          which swallows seeds
for splashy blossoms.

who am i
   thee with brittle heart...
to ridicule
another's proclamation
of true love?

...to sneer at a tortured soul
bewildered by the
soulmate
who decided the love offered
wasn't enough

who am i
to watch, amused
at the vain attempts to still
the desperate beating of a heart
that yearns for the return
of a long, lost love

who am i?

i am the cheated survivor
of a once loudly proclaimed love affair
with a soulmate
that left me yearning
for the love i once thought
i had.

standing in an open doorway
i breath in the wet pavement
savoring the raw freshness
of a very good rain.

you've left me clumsy
   and unaware
of appreciative eyes
that follow me
watching my every move
stopping abruptly
when i cast an evil look
their way

it's foreign to me
     this wanting
           needing
attraction
others feel
i don't know how
to take it
i can't imagine
using it
to my advantage

yes, you've left me numb
     bewildered
          and incapable
of recognizing
   another's love.

i saw you toss your trash
onto the sidewalk
   and i cringed
my heart beat intensified
roaring loudly in my head

bu-bump bu-bump bu-bump

my hands started to shake
and i desperately looked for something
to hold on to
   a stick
     or bat
yes, a bat would be better
so i could walk up to you
and knock that silly grin
off your face
and stuff your trash down your skinny throat

but instead...

i picked up the trash
and tossed it in the bin

*yeah, i'm a coward
eat it.

i'm watching her
shifting uncomfortably in her seat
then she turns
and catches my eye
giving me a ***** look
i meet her stare
and hold it
until she looks away
shaking her head in obvious annoyance

me

making someone uneasy
   just by watching them

possessing such power
   with a mere look

what disruption can i cause
if i put my whole heart & soul
   into it?

words melt off the page
from tears
dripping from his eyes
he's trying so, so hard
to express himself
but his grief erases
all his heart has spoken
     she's gone
and the exclamations of longing
that his soul is so desperate to project
are doused by the sorrow he feels
for a love that will not be
   returned.