am i jealous
   maybe
do i get lost in whimsical thoughts
while falling witness to your demonstrative love
   could be
do i crave his kiss
   want his hug
     desire him
                    probably
so tell me

why do you have him
and i do not?

the viscosity of my life
   offers me slim hope
     of treading through.

i see you
at the end of my rope
waiting patiently
for me to fall
open arms ready
head full of ideas
desperate to save me
although i didn't ask
to be saved.

i miss having
   a him
     a someone
       a date

i miss saying
yes, we'll be there
or
i'll check with him and let you know

i miss having
hon, pick up milk
or
babe, what do you want for dinner

i miss having
a warmed up bed
an always available hug
and an ear to my whining

i miss
a partnership
a twosome
a gossip buddy

i miss
making love in the AM
holding hands on the street
and a look of comfort
in a room full of strangers

i miss
the mister with missus
husband and wife
husband, wife and son

but most of all

i miss you.

grab me
   you
take charge of my body
show me what it can do
   touch
     stroke
      caress
weaken me enough
until a contented sigh
of satisfaction
escapes my lips

riding the highs
coasting through the lows
feeling comfort in both

experiencing the bad
to appreciate the good.

kicked back and easy
lounging with the best

laughter filled rooms

head bumps
   fist bumps
a knowing wink

drink fueled
   synopsis
a calming pat on the back

ice clinking into glasses
the quiet 'pfft' of an opening bottle

these are the best of times
these are times spent with friends.

“Tears are words that need to be written.”
― Paulo Coelho

my dreams bring me to tears
how sad is that
when my awakened hours
do not offer me
enough intense emotion
to produce the cleansing
of a good cry?

shroud in black
she stands looking down
into the dark grave
the casket is sprinkled with dirt
and slightly wilted flowers
she tosses a silver coin
             up
watching it flipping over & down
landing with a tink

heads or tails
she'll never know.

where are you
oh lovely being
the scratch that eases
my itch
the jokester
that tempts me
and produces within me
a fit of unending giggles
where are you
my strong armed giant
the one that lifts me
way above the pain
and swings me high
until i land exhausted
and content
on a hillside of reverie
where are you*
savior of me
with offerings of hope
when i'm feeling hopeless
joy when i'm sad
solid ground
after drifting endlessly
on waves of uncertainty
i need to find you
i need to feel you
i need to know
if you are truly
real.

i'm looking at my heart
through blurry eyes
confused
by the lack of pumping
   red blood
the lifeline is missing
instead i see stone
   hard
i can toss it
like a baseball
waiting for the crack
   the connection of wood
   to rock
that sends it sailing
out of the ballpark.

sifting through old photos
remembering this time
and that
noticing, just now
that half lit
smile
seeing, just now
the vacant eyes
staring at the lens
begging to be let go
wanting an end
to the phony existence
spent with a phony
somebody
trying to keep up
appearances
for the eye
of a camera.

when you think of me
do you smile?
   i don't
when i think of you

when you dream of me
do you wake craving?
   i don't
when i dream of you

when you're missing me
are you sad?
   i'm not
when i'm missing you

if we weren't thoughts
in each others heads
does that mean
our one true love affair
never existed?

a boy with bright blue eyes
   giggles
as he snatches the purse
and runs off crookedly
   bumping into people
   knocking down old ladies
   kicking dogs out of the way
            giggling
   giggling
running far enough
out of sight
   and sound
to drop the purse
without opening it
into the trash.

boys, girls
   boys, boys
   girls, girls
this and that
not forgetting the other
coming together
   squeezing
   holding on
                      desperately
wanting
needing
trying to become
   whole

forgetting

that all you need
is
   right
            here.

leaves crunch
   under my determined stride
flakes of autumn
   breeze past me
   making my eyes water
the crisp air
   sharpens my senses
   as i breath in a musky
   burnt smell

i gain momentum

fall pushes me forward
   edges me towards the beginnings
   of winter
where the stillness of the season
   comforts me

looking into her eyes
i witness the storm brewing
as her mind thrashes
in waves of hate
lightening bolts of hurt
strike her unsuspecting victim
burning him senseless
eventually leaving him
unable to move
destroyed by the venomous creature
he's always referred to as
mom.

i dreamt of you the other night
and woke up in tears
   i felt you
and the void in my heart
grew bigger
i saw the sadness in your eyes
the questioning of why i'd left you
   i felt it
and it tore me in two
and i haven't been the same since
i can't get you out of my mind
my head is filled with the sorrow
of not having you any longer
i want a replacement
   but i don't
i want you
back with me

if i could only turn back time
i'd stop my final closing of the latch
   on my suitcase
i'd make the call that said
   i can't make it this time
and i'd stay home with you
   be with you
   hold you
and cry when you finally left me
but feeling comfort in knowing
that i was there for you
   at the end
and that you were not alone
without the one that loved you most
without the one that you loved most

but i can't do that

so i suffer as penance
   i deserve this pain
   i'd let you down
   i wasn't there when you needed me most
and for that
     i am forever sorry.

you, son, live a lie
live with a lie
ignoring the obvious
building a wall
from crumbling stone
and elmer's glue
only begs for the enemy
to knock it down.

little boy with dreams
that come crashing down
with a pink line
screaming "positive".

when the street is dark
and the day closes
when noises become mute
and activity seems to stop
this is when my mind clears
and my thoughts become sharper
this is when i feel the emptiness inside of me
and i grudgingly accept
                                         that i am truly alone.

your fists beat on the door
hollering for me to answer
i sit cowering in the corner
   rocking
     waiting
for you to leave
when will your torture end?
when will you leave me be?
why can't the happiness i've found
in being without you
become the happiness you accept
in being without me?

i open my eyes to a day barely started
and my mind becomes a whirlwind
of thoughts bumping into each other

with bullying strength
the poison of uncomfortableness
forces away any happiness i may have felt

the fight within me
becomes almost unbearable
and a sob escapes my throat
with the realization
that nothing has improved

this life is tough
my life has drained me
and the will to carry on
becomes weaker with each passing hour

i crave to stand stable
   i urge my mind to succumb to happiness
     and i will my arms
       to open up and accept love
but the clicking of the clock
   the creeping of the minutes
beg me to face the inevitable
   force my heart
to beat with emptiness

and the realization
that the one true love i have
     myself
is less then what i've hoped for.

i've pushed you over
the edge of reason
and while desperately hanging on
you look up at me
and smile.

standing alone
in the deep valley
i am carpeted by the dust
   of bygone days

memories float past me
   dissipating before my eyes
as my hands grasp vainly
   desperately trying to hold on
to just one small granule
   of an almost forgotten
past.

i talk in verse
and get looks of disdain
rolling eyeballs the norm
shaking of the head
why can't she just talk normal
   on everyone's tongue
eyes filled with confusement

so i shake my own head
and walk away
looking to the empty page
of a, as of yet, unwritten poem
and there the verses flow
   to be embraced
     by the creative
       to be appreciated
by people
   like me.

feeling exhausted
     and *****
random songs
fill my head
like a record spinning
        round and round
the same lyrics played
over
           and over
driving me to the brink
                 of craziness
imagining an eraser
I wipe my brain clean
leaving an empty shell
   unplugged
     quieted
but for the skip, skip, skipping
of the needle.

i'd love to take your face apart
inch by inch
pore by pore
counting every eyelash
small lines
barely noticeable
the color of your lips
your cheeks chapping in the cold air
eyes watering with a brisk breeze
chipped tooth
crooked smile
messy hair
the imperfections
that make you perfect
to me.

you wave your flag
of arrogance
up down and around
proving to everyone
but yourself
that everything
is A-okay.

show me something
give me a reason

answer the questions
that constantly beat
inside my skull
   blinding me
     confusing
       blurring all thought
not knowing
   right
     wrong
       indifference

keep me stable
   solid
on hardened ground

but it's too tough
   this insecurity
knocks me
makes things unbalanced
   doubtful
     unsure
of what is what
who is who
   who is real
where am i safe?

i've gathered myself
into a cocoon of security
if only in my head
but safe
nonetheless...

the longer you allow
the storm to brew
the harsher the thrashing
when it arrives.

happiness comes
   in fleeting moments
     that fly by too fast
and too soon

i'm never prepared
for a happy moment.

i feel you with me
especially when i'm blue
i remember
the simple words you offered
that told me you cared
i know it was difficult
for you, sometimes
showing compassion
   encouragement
     love
but i never doubted it
and i always, always felt it
my hurt was your hurt
my desperation was your desperation
my happiness blazed in your eyes
i will never be loved like that again
i will never feel as secure as i did with you
i miss you, dad
i miss your solidness
your quiet
the comfort i got
when you reached for my son

yes, the good die young
   and you...
you were one of the best.

his words strike me
with the bitterness of a winter wind
leaving me still
   and shivering
agonizing for the cloak
of strength
that will protect me
and cover me in warmth.

in a room full of people
   i become quite aware
i eavesdrop on conversations
i spot liars
   braggarts
and introverts
  i notice the ashamed
   afraid
bold
and confident
i glance towards
a boastful laugh
coming from an ill equipped
sloth of a man
who uses insults
to bring down the weak
while strengthening his armor
of ignorance at the same time

women bat eyelids at the handsome
   men fumble words and trip over feet
to get close to the beautiful
   sincerity is overlooked
kindness is scoffed at
   the bland aren't noticed
the flamboyant produce
   chuckles of disdain

a typical saturday night
amongst a zoo of people
where cost of admission
is a dose
of self respect.

passing the torch of love
from one heart to another
touching each
in very different ways
witnessing the shrinking
of the flame
before each passing
having it reignited
by a new hand
dimming when the new
becomes old
and always
searching endlessly
   for the eternal fuel.

i watch time
slip through my fingers
congealing on the floor
beneath my feet
a mass of viscous matter
   unretrievable
     unsalvageable
gone forever
passed so quickly
leaving nothing remarkable
on my heart
   nor brain
but the unending cycle
of retrievable time
continues
giving me relentless chances
   to make things better
     to make things good

to become remarkable.

rushing through the hallways
of my mind
everything seems unfamiliar
   foreign
i don't feel the comfortable embrace
   of knowing
     any longer
because i don't know
   any more
the confusion that's set in
leaves me exhausted
   and frustrated

*erasing the past
then trying to sketch out the future
proves i am less of an artist
than i originally had thought.

i miss the gentle hugs
   and eyes offering reassurance

i miss
   the comfort of a cozy chair
with room enough for two
    and the smell of food
being cooked

i miss the closing of doors
   and the snoring at night
closing my eyes and craving sleep
   then secretly smiling
when you turn over with a poke

i miss the shower going on at 5 am
and the door closing at 6

i miss your corny jokes
and the smell of you after a hard day at work

i miss your calm when i was angry
   and your common sense
when the world seemed senseless

i miss the beat of my heart
   when i'd think of you
and the sense of peace i felt
   when i heard you come through the door

but what i don't miss

is the nagging pang in my gut
   and the knowing in my heart
that you weren't coming home

i don't miss the crying episodes
   and the disappointment
after broken promises

i don't miss having to share you
   with many
and offering explanations
   to why i haven't left

i don't miss
   the humiliations
      the aloneness
         the lies
and the cheating

i don't miss
your breast pounding
to prove you're a man
   and the negligence i came to expect
the late night phone calls
   from women i'd never met
but who knew intimate details
   of the life we'd shared

there's so much i miss
   but so much more i don't

but in my mind
i still hug and smile at
that young boy
i fell in love with
so, so many years ago.

look to the sky for answers
breathe in the breath of the wind
and wallow in its calming medicine
hug nature
grasp all you can
from the greens and browns
of the outdoors
to what the wilderness truly is...
   a stairway to heaven
when you're feeling frazzled
take a breath
close your eyes
and sit in the middle
of a field of wildflowers
and exult in the wondrous beauty
and the freedom of nature.

i flip through
the kaleidoscope of dreams
that are stored in my head
looking for the one
that generates the minimalist of pain
convincing myself
that if dreams truly come true
this one would produce
the least damage.

being dragged through the mud
by somebody you don't care about
sometimes causes greater pain
then if it were done
by someone you love

blown to pieces
by the utterance of one word
voiced from the swordlike mouth
of one i've adored
i stand strong amongst others
untouchable by many
   but you...
...you can strike me down
with a one syllable breath.

when i look at her
i see a simple girl
someone with no expectations
someone content with
   what she has
not wanting more
   always smiling
even when humiliated
   she laughs
thinks every thing's funny
   and is happy
she can make others laugh too
   even if it's at her own expense
she doesn't ask for much
   no demands
   never pouts
just flows through life
   almost nonexistent
not many would notice if she left
   or didn't come
there might be a few probable
   tsk tsk's
   if she passed
but this is the path she chose
this is the path she follows
   though pathetic to some
to her
   this is her life.

those eyes
make me wish
   for younger days
when seeing eyes like yours
   looking into eyes like mine
was a sure thing.

i sense you
   staring at me
but when i turn
   you quickly look away

aren't we way too old for this?

the wind blows
   copper colored leaves
flip and turn
   along the straw colored grass
the smell of wood burning
   circles the air
bringing melancholy thoughts
   of younger years
gripping my head
   forcing me to think
of days past

autumn is close.

i'm too fickle
        for love

   the dark haired boy
with the wicked grin
becomes obtuse
   in a week or two

blondie with the goatee
   provokes a wide yawn
and makes my eyes sleepy

   the bald headed stud
with the big muscles
makes me want to bang my head
against the wall

but...the brooding gent
   who recites poetry
with a voice that makes me purr
   in all the right places
who has a flock of messy brown hair
   that hangs just right
and deep eyes that read my soul
   like a well written novel
his lips are always moist
   and most often poised
to offer a shy smile

him
     i'll keep

for a little while longer.

i visited my dad
the other day
   my grandparents too

i miss them

the visit...
it brought me
            peace

i felt comfortable
   sitting there
i don't think they get many
visitors
i promised to come
   more often
even if it's only to sit

i think they like that.