writing
gives my mind
a voice.

write me a word


          ...show me your heart.

the green of the earth
has been well fed
weeded
coddled to look perfect
the grass lies even
measured by sight
and given the nod of approval
an empty head
an observant trust
comparisons to what's close
welcome to everyday americana
welcome to every neighborhood, USA
belted khakis
plaid short sleeved shirts
ball caps emblazoned with beloved teams
many digits in the bank
shiny car in the drive
1.2 kids
boasting chocolate covered faces
sticking out drooling tongues
dad's an *******
mom's a lush
but the fine schools accept them
the almighty dollar opens closed doors
"amen' on sundays
work on mondays
"oh, mr. smith" on top of the desk come tuesday
it's the continuation of what was
the non questioning of how it should be
a fat wallet
an obese gut
swollen lips bursting lustful obscenities
cooing lashes welcoming
a sweaty, squeezing grip
on the ***
everytown, USA
yourtown, of these United States
ablast with preversion
bloated with cash

what a sad state of affairs
do we project...

you're the positive one
or so you try and prove
plastered smile
flippant ways
but you haven't mastered
the concealment of your eyes
truth bursts from them
the sadness
   and anger
the insecurity
   and need

and the hurt
the hurt is most obvious

let the tears flow
let them wash away the falseness
know no shame
in being less than perfect
for less than perfect
is perfection at it's finest.

i'm strangely uncommitted
my voice is heard
by selective ears
any embrace i seek
must go through extensive
tests and research
i cannot give my heart
for it's under lock and key
and the key has long disappeared
i'm saddened by loneliness
a loneliness i've initiated
and the deadened feelings i've felt
offer me no comfort
this dire existence
leaves me incapable of love
but the yearning i feel
will never leave me.

i'm suffocated by loneliness
while waiting for an assumed
arrival
hope is always high
until the hours fade
and darkness is all around
by the wee springing
of morning light
i know the wait is over.

i could stare at the sky
for hours
watching the changes
and movements of clouds
dreaming
imagining
that all is good
all is simple
love embraces us
a laughing child
birds in song
the twinkling of chimes in the trees
all offer comfort
and together
it feels like a warm tap on the back
i could hide in these sounds
staring at the sky
imagining a place
so far from here.

rain
      to me
is like a double dose of ******
with a tequila chaser.

i don't have the convenience
of acceptance
too many questions
fill my head
dissection of a common assumption
is a necessity
and in the end
i am more confused
then ever.

i close my eyes
to soft gusts of wind
washing over me
like the sweet breath
of a lover
holding me in it's grasp
and suspending me
in a space
unaware of time

i am numb
except for the feeling
of peace
offered to me
by the unadulterated whisper
of a warm
spring
breeze.

he spends days
ambling
following footsteps
he has yet to make
his mind is gone
no thoughts make sense
no words escape his lips
except for random ramblings
and incoherent observations
made from pictures seen inside his head
he searches for pennies
copper bright
to jingle in his pocket
offering a comfort
only he understands
this simple man
with simple needs
clinging to the belief
that he has a purpose
not knowing or caring
that he is alone.

time spent
wasted
forgotten thoughts
enter the inebriation
and float in obscurity
not to be remembered

not wanting to be remembered

smooth liquid
flows over any consciousness
and leaves a lovely feeling
of numb

your breath
on my skin
shatters me to pieces

I, as a whole
am gone
you've broken me
then look upon the mess of me
with a satisfied grin

as you turn to walk away
i know i won't be coupled
until the next time we meet...

...maybe.

whisperings surround me
and i quickly turn
to accuse the guilty
but no one's there

i am alone

but the voices continue
   insistant

   poking
probing
   my brain
confusing me
causing me the added burden
of worrisome thoughts

sleep doesn't save me
for it's much too short

finding solace in prayer
is beyond my beliefs

exposing
expressing
exemplifying
would provoke no response

so i wallow in discontentment,
   sway in disillusionment
utimately collapsing to the ground
with a heavy heart

and...

...before long
i'm forced to accept
that i've been saddled

with a foolish heart.

i dreamt of you last night
your face filled my sight
the sincerity in your eyes
was almost believable

we laughed and
held each other
i remember you looking past me
searching
   for something more
or so it seemed

and i woke with a longing
so now i am burdened with thoughts of you
and what a perfect dream
you make.

the line between want and need
becomes quite skewed
when love is thrown
into the mix.

a given hope
retracted
is what i expect
from you.

my search has ended
as my eyes fall
   upon you

in every aspect
   every observation
you are very wrong
   for me
but the creaking of my bones,
the weariness of my heart,
and the desperation in my soul
tells me
you
   are
      the
         one

so
i'm asking
   begging
willing
            you
to take my hand
to complete this journey
the journey i've claimed

then let me go

and follow through
on the journey
you've claimed
                      for yourself.

this world
my world
is filled with hope

gooey eyes
look up and beyond
with a hurtful yearning
searching for the unseen
and the unimaginable
grasping every
last
sliver
of what
might be

the weakened mind
hallucinates
sways to the beat of
a drum
only heard
by one

and when rested eyes
spring open
the hope
   the positiveness
is desperately
forcing it's way
through
to show the world
how happy
one can be

although within a slowly beating heart
the truth is heard

and felt.

feelings of
excitement
engulf my being
while walking through forests
kicking brown, crackling leaves

ready and willing
is what i feel
yearning for opportunity
   hoping for satisfaction
      and settling on bewilderment

because confusion
keeps the mind young
and the heart
pumping.

the pain starts
at the pit of my stomach
and slowly creeps upwards
toward my heart

an unsatisfactory vision
engulfs my soul
offering unwanted
feelings
of disheartenment
and despair

the fight i've fought
has weakened me
and acceptance
of a lesser existence
seems inevitable

still...
i concentrate vainly
on that one sliver
of hope
to pull me out of
this funk.

you are to me
something i've ignored
and tried to toss away
for years.

i've been added
to the labels of
obscure
obstinate
and obsolete
and i acknowledge
the judgement
with excitement
anticipation
and acknowledgement
of what i've known
all along.

connecting eyes
from across the room

i've settled for less

intoxicating beauty
is what i see
and the longing
i feel
comes to a peak

the yearning to touch you
is overwhelming
and lust drips from my fingertips
searching for a
connection.

a suffocating loneliness
greets me with the morning sun

the grip on my soul
does not lessen

trying shallow breathing
i'm desperate
to escape myself
but the intensity
does
not
ease

another day
feeling burdened
by what's inside
and the darkness
consumes all of me
once
again.

i will give you
nothing less
than me
if you'll accept
nothing less
than myself.

i've been climbing
this same mountain
since
my day one
the stones
that hurt my knees
are stones
i've placed
the steepness
of the journey
are the degrees
i've set
the accuracy
couldn't be more true
and the stumbling
i've encountered
has been provoked
by me.

looking
at you
i find peace
in your eyes
i can drift
in the stillness
of your breath
the comfort you give
isn't planned
or practiced

it
   just
      is

you offer
the pureness
of yourself
and i am one of the lucky ones
who get to
experience
it.

look
at the sun
if you want to
swallow
watermelon seeds
and gum
if you so desire
step on cracks
listen to loud music
smoke
drink
cut a line
and snort
if that's your pleasure
practice unsafe ***
lie
cheat
steal
if that's within your hearts desire

but don't blame
unless you're pointing that finger
at yourself.

lines christen my face
suggesting a life
well lived

you offer yourself
to me
and as tempting
as it may seem
i balk
at the suggestion.

***** infested words
spew from my fingertips
having been dug
deep
from within my soul
the whiskey
loosens my thoughts
giving false bravado
to what i feel
must be said
there's no love here
none that's lost
the pit of loneliness
broadens
the tender caress
of drunkenness
offers warmth
and companionship
to a once vacant
heart
and i'll swim
in a sea of intoxication
kept afloat
by an imagined life vest
provided
by an alcohol soaked
mind.

high
then low
the confusing theory
in my mind
of what is
jumbled thoughts
of happiness
randomly pricked
with pain
and the desperate fight
with the darkness
that has vowed
to take over.

the once familiar
is no more
stumbling through
days
of unevenness
tripping over
invisible curbs
and taking a wild ride
on steady ground
the obvious
is unrecognizable
the comfortable
is foreign
the start of each day
presents new obstacles
and i feel like a new born
wet
soft
pliable
not the hardened shell
i've grown used to
this newness
i can't absorb
but i will try
and i will start over
each new day
embracing the obstacles
that offer me
new hope.

lovers pop up
in spring
like the many
blossoming flowers
fresh faces
filled with hope
fertilization
is eminent
hungry leaves
open and accept
the offering
of consumption
the continuation of life
is evident
by the planting
of the seed.

feeling alone
in a world
filled with greens
and blues
distant seas
beckon me
the wind tossed
branches of trees
whisper gently to me
i yearn
for the comforting arms
of a positive world
but my heart cries
in vain
any response
is silenced
and the suffocating aloneness
proves inescapable
as the days
drip by.

desperation
breeds
nothing

aloofness
breaks
hearts.

years
being built up
but
one word from you
and i'm
extinct

i think of you
you're not around
i forget about you
you're there
the more i want
the less you give
the less i give
the more you want
i'm desperate
you're not
i'm satisfied
you're desperate
up
down
up
down

i'm tired

i give up

you win

but it seems

we've both lost.

i've played the game
i've chuckled
at the results of
a lesser me
hurtful
uncaring
just to get you
to notice

and it worked

but now
this game is too much
the hurt
the uncaring
is directed at me

and i'm not cut out
for this.

disappointment
a punch in the gut
   but
you stay steady
trying hard
to hold your head
up high
while your will
is slowly
diminishing
   confidence
    draining
but you hold tight
onto the smile
that will
keep
you
solid
   sane
     together
giving you the courage
to try
once again.

a denseness fills her
slowly gripping her insides
leaving her short of breath
she becomes weary
as the river of dread
engulfs every inch
of her being
her shoulders start to slump
and her head is filled
with imaginings
she cannot shake

when tears fill her eyes
it's like fuel feeding the flame
and
she knows her only option
is to ride it out

tomorrow will find her drained and empty
but grabbing in anticipation
and need
for a peaceful day.

the imagined perfection
of what i'd assume to be
was blown to pieces by one word

*******

living
but
not being

alive
but my brain is fogged
by the unending
pounding
of what should be

books quoted

sermons rehearsed

eyes that try
and intimidate me
into believing
that, which cannot possibly
be

i'm better alone with my thoughts

leave me

with my own assumptions

do not
shatter my happiness

let me clear my head
with what i know is true.

across a crowded room
i see the one thing
that keeps me solid

it's you
           my son

your perfection
is beyond comprehension
to me

your heart
makes mine explode

and when you smile
there's no comparison

to the great love
i will eternally
hold.

alone
yet
not

peaceful
yet
not quite

stable
or so
it seems

jealous?

envious?
             undetermined?
as of
today...

when you've loved
it's a feeling
like no other

when you're touched
by something, someone, beyond
compare

when you've
found
without looking

and not questioned
what was always
there

you're at home
with that one other

you've found peace
just sitting in a chair

this other person
exudes perfection

without you even knowing
that's why
they're there.

i'm breathless

searching for the mouth
that will connect
with mine

us both

inhaling deep
        exhaling out

offering a sense
                        of being

finding stable ground

by breathing
a common
breath.

i become disillusioned
by someone "grown"
who doesn't know ****
and then enlightened
by that one
proclaiming naivete.

i turn delighted
watching the tears
roll down your face
washing away
the vile
you seem to project

your eyes are cleansed
of the toughness
brought forth
by a damaged heart

you try too hard

let go
and let be

life isn't a battle
it's a gift.