with the gentle blanketing of snow
a silence embraces the countryside
trees whisper a song of peacefulness
while the sloping hills offer a maze of white;
beckoning to get lost in it's wonderment
tears of icicles drip from the trees
as the sky continues to cry a flurry of cottony white
nature at it's most beautiful
untouched
serene
still
giving freely all the magnificence
a swelling heart and gratified soul
can hold.

holding on tightly
not wanting to give up
not wanting to give in
pulling
struggling
to keep a grip
loosening
becoming unsteady
feeling a slight release
shaking
trembling
losing control
then stubbornly letting go

and finally
finally
i have set myself free.

a solid rain
washing, purifying
presenting a chance
for a new start
standing in the downpour
looking up
embracing the baptism
wishing
believing
for a chance
to start again.

there are
too many people
voices that
cackle
cough
laugh
weep
yell
scream
beg
or cry

they are
constantly moving
walking
running
pushing
and shoving

STOP

i need silence
i am searching for quiet
peace
serenity
and stillness

direct me please
show me the way
tell me that i am not wishing for something
unreasonable
foolish
ridiculous
or strange

tell me i am not alone
tell me there are beings
like me
who search for uninterrupted silence
who need endless reassurance
of calm.

i touched a cloud today
just because
i think i startled it
because it began to sprinkle

can't you see that we are
tumbling through a tumultuous relationship,
free falling amongst gravity depleted plains
while
clinging onto an imaginary lifesaver of hope?

longing to see your discarded jeans
at the foot of my bed.

i can feel the broken hearts
all around me
i can sense that most
are unhappy -
discontent
why is that?
i wonder
with so much acclamation
of true, never ending love...
is it to not be believed?
do people hide behind their hurt and anguish
to put on a happy mask
of blissful contentment?
is that really necessary?
must we pretend?
can't we all expose ourselves
and show the world our raw
exposed nerves of unhappiness
and disgust?
can't we refuse to settle
for someone mediocre
and risk being alone
than to accept someone
who projects an outward appearance
of perfection for all to see,
but who in private
can be the worst beast any human being
can imagine?
this saddens me
this dishonesty with ourselves
this accepting the less
because being without
might project a less than perfect life
i truly believe in one true love
i truly believe we can all possess that one true love
if we would only allow ourselves the luxury of time
time to wait
and time to enjoy the journey towards finding
and then embracing
that one perfect love
that had been set aside for us
since the very beginning.

he leaned up against the wall
smoking
casually flipping his lighter
open
close
open
close
i don't think he noticed me
noticing him
but i really didn't care
he was perfect
tall, lean, ripped blue jeans, leather jacket
dark hair, unkempt
sullen eyes
i couldn't help but stare
i wanted him to notice me
i willed him to notice me
he finished his smoke
and casually flipped the wasted end
onto the pavement
then
he glanced up
and our eyes met
and he did notice me
no expression at first
and then the small creepings of a smile
"smoke"?, he asked
"sure", i said
my heart was pounding
my knees felt weak
but i went to him, smiled, and retracted a cigarette
from his pack
this was absolutely perfect
a dream come true
a fairy tale beginning
to the meeting of two perfect souls
but there was one, slight problem...
...i don't smoke.

empty streets, empty nights
temporary fulfillment
found in laughter and drinks
looking into the faces
of childhood friends
realizing they are strangers to me
and i to them
parting at the end of the night
sharing gripping hugs
and promises to stay in touch
driving home
i'm wondering if they feel as vacant as i do
i'm curious if this limited gathering of acquaintances
was really worth the trouble.

lying, in the dark
staring at nothing
but seeing it all

clarity has always been there
just look
do not force -
accept

acceptance
forgiveness
a willingness to let go
this will bring peace
this will provide answers

letting go may be hard
but letting go is sometimes
necessary for internal harmony.

this is an emotionally thick day
in a way that it feels like i am
pushing, digging, burrowing
just to get through it.

leaving this world
and entering mine
comforts me
like a warm blanket.

feels like i'm always throwing something out there
only to have it bounce back at me
untouched
obviously unimpressive
to anyone

why are some conceptions
notions
thoughts
acclamations
beliefs
disregarded as nothing
by so many

kinda makes me want to quit
kinda makes me want to chuck it all
give up
throw in the towel
raise my hands in surrender
and be done with it all

but i won't
i'll keep tossing
with stubborn determination
knowing that one day
i'll electrifyingly amaze
the right person!

she was walking east
he was coming up west
she was happy, giggly even
he was sullen, irritated

getting closer she was swinging her arms
humming a familiar tune in her head
he, thinking about his day
annoyingly shook his head
kicked at a lone stone

closer yet
she is practically skipping
hugging herself in contentment
he is becoming more agitated,
belligerent,
angry at the sudden crowd of strangers in his path

closer still
she easily, happily weaves her way through the crowd
smiling openly at whomever meets her gaze
he, angrily pushes through
get out of my way
growling to himself in disgust

even closer
she clumsily drops her purse
bends down to reclaim it
he, noticing a lull in the foot traffic
stomps his foot in aggravation
but pushes forward

right there
she stands up abruptly,
absently bumping into someone
ready with apologies
he, staggers backward from the bump
ready to lash angry words
and maybe even a push

right now
she, looks up,
an apology caught in her throat
he, swinging around
ready with angry words
that melt before they are spoken

destiny
she, wide eyed
spreads a glorious smile
shrugs her shoulders in apology
he, wide eyed
gives in to a smile he kept secret for too long

she and he
start a conversation
that will alter the course of that day
and everyday
from that moment forward.

THE END

she called me in tears
her heart torn to pieces
my heart breaking for hers
in return

what can i do
what can i say
to ease your sorrow
to salve your wounds

another shouldn't play another
from the inside out
beat me, bruise me, make me bleed
but do not abuse my heart

a sympathetic ear
a comforting hug
a look that says
everything will be okay
is all i can offer

but a broken heart
is the worst condition
the most unbearable sickness
an almost incurable disease...

...who's only unfailing balm is time

time will heal the wound
time will suture the heart enough to help us continue on
time will help us rebuild our courage
regain our confidence
and forget, somewhat, our pain

yes, a broken heart can be mended
healed enough for us to carry on with life
and it will remain with us
to remind us, always
that we had survived
the most damaging life can offer.

restlessness
combating with my head
fighting for sleep
but losing the battle
a struggle of wits
a fight of strengths
keeping me awake
with flip flopping thoughts
bouncing off my mind
broadcasting a fireworks display
inside my skull
sweet slumber
i call to you
come rescue me
from this circus that's keeping me awake
feed me your elixir
and bring me into a sweet delusional state

are my words too dire
does my life seem too
desperate
unhappy
lonely or
cruel?
because i am not
desperate
unhappy
lonely or
cruel...well, maybe sometimes
albeit unintentionally
i'm great!
see?
look at my smile!
see me grin!
hear me laugh!
i am wonderfully, blissfully,
joyfully on cloud 9 (give or take)!

he's in the dark
shuffling along grim, polluted streets,
head hanging low
the collar of his worn, black jacket pulled up tight
it's raining
the mist cradles him,
seeming to almost carry him along
this is a journey he has both dreaded
and craved
it is a journey with a destination
that claims salvation
but that doesn't make it any easier

the bridge looms in the distance
and he lifts his head to stare at it
hazily
moving closer
it is consuming him, calling him

stopping at the top of the bridge
he looks downward into the dark, choppy waters
examining the distance down
casually he shrugs off his coat, removes his shoes
he takes a deep sigh while looking wearily around him
and slowly nods his head in final approval

gently lifting his leg over the railing he glances down for the last time
the waves below appear to be
beckoning him
promising him peace
encouraging deliverance

opening his arms to accept the deadly hug
he falls.

my mind is a kaleidoscope of emotions
ricocheting off the walls of my skull

trying to capture the perfect words
to make you know
and believe
how i truly feel
is difficult
because i really don't know
myself

how can one person
complicate the mind of another
just by being?

why is it, with everything else
i am strong,
secure,
sure of myself
but when it comes to you
i am a blubbering idiot?

i wonder
will there ever be a you i am comfortable with?
is there a you out there that will allow me to be me
without ever trying?

i want my white horse
where's my knight
do i have to wait until the next lifetime
have i missed my chance for real passion
love
happiness
peace
should i give up
?

i am suffocating daily
as i feel the days pass
and the clock spin

this cannot be my destiny
this cannot be fate

please, show yourself to me.

"Bad"
"'Bad' is just a huge promise of a song. A friend of mine, about as close as you can get, squandered his intelligence and his gifts to ******. Dublin in the late Seventies and early Eighties was a capital for smack. The Shah of Iran had been deposed, and people smuggled their money out of that country in white gold and pearls, by which I mean ******. It was cheaper than ****, it was cheaper than smoking spliff, and a lot of sweet teenage kids, who just liked to smoke a little bit of *****, were offered this cheap high, something beyond their imagination... I tried to describe that with the song, 'Bad, what it was to feel that rush, to feel that elation, and then go on to the nod, awful sleep that comes with that drug..." - Bono, U2 By U2 2006

If you twist and turn away
If you tear yourself in two again
If I could, yes I would
If I could, I would let it go
Surrender, dislocate

If I could throw this lifeless
Lifeline to the wind
Leave this heart of clay
See you walk, walk away
Into the night
And through the rain
Into the half-light
And through the flame

If I could, through myself
Set your spirit free
I'd lead your heart away
See you break, break away
Into the light
And to the day

To let it go
And so to find a way
To let it go
And so find a way

I'm wide awake
I'm wide awake
I'm not sleeping
Oh, no, no

If you should ask, then maybe
They'd tell you what I would say
True colours fly in blue and black
Blue silken sky and burning flag
Colours crash, collide in blood shot eyes

If I could, you know I would
If I could, I would let it go

This desparation
Dislocation
Separation
Condemnation
Revelation
In temptation
Isolation
Desolation

Let it go
And so to find a way
To let it go
And so find a way

Oh, no
I'm wide awake
I'm wide awake
I'm not sleeping
Oh, no no

floating with the breeze
letting it take me
...wherever
skimming, sliding, bending, twisting
laughing
enjoying it all
guzzling mouthfuls of air
synchronizing my breath
with the movements of my body
freeing myself from all restraints
feeling harmonized with the universe
letting myself go
to embrace all that is good

today is a good day.

...will an umbrella
protect my head
from the idiocies
of stupid people?

when does love turn into an obsession,
and simple need turn into something ugly?
when does kindness become overbearing while
providing comfort becomes infuriating?

indeed, there is a fine line between love and hate
and absolutely, a person can love too much;
and what a sad day that will be

do not fixate on one and risk being alone
do not expect so much as to become an irritant
and do not **** with kindness
only to be treated with frustrated cruelty

love shouldn't be smothering
love should flow effortlessly,
come naturally
only then will it be welcomed unconditionally.

iv'e seen you a few times in passing
just a glimpse...
a look-see
but that was enough
to mentally push the others aside
and have you take your place in my head

now i look for you most days
searching
for just a glimpse...
a look-see
enough to get my heart racing
just a bit
enough to draw a smile
during the day
when things aren't going
quite so well

you've become a necessary distraction
a delightful curiosity

just stay where you are
when you are there
and let me keep enjoying you.

(M)iserable
(O)rnery
(M)isfit

gloominess and rain
dark clouds, wet streets
the drip dripping of drops
heard beyond my window
this brings me comfort
this soothes my soul

guilt is overrated
so too is an overactive conscience

to be burdened emotionally
with another's cruelty
is ludricous

independence of a warped mind
is attainable
necessary
for spiritual freedom

i enjoy my aloneness
i delight in the lightness
of my shoulders
i breathe in my liberation
of your worries
your stresses
your anxieties
your problems

away from you
i am free.

i will not allow myself to be tormented by guilt.

why is a darkening of the soul
accepted effortlessly
when happiness
is just as readily available

why is gloom
so easily cradled
when joy
is just as easily nurtured

why is contempt
often thought of
as fearlessness
when compassion
can open a world of doorways

and why is hate
welcomed without question
when love
can provide all the answers
we search for.

these are questions that mystify me
i just don't understand

she sits alone
this woman
staring blankly at nothing
thinking thoughts
she wished would leave her
haunted by the past
possessed by actions she cannot take back
her aloneness is deserved of her
she doesn't deny that
for this is her purgatory
this is her hell
the damage she had done is unfixable
the souls she has destroyed
are not salvable
her penance is eternity
to live with hearing
cries of anguish and pain
and to see the hollow, frightened eyes
of the ones she has hurt
she will feel a constant tugging of her heart
hoping for a love that will never come.
yearning for forgiveness
that will never be offered.
yes, this is her fate
this is her road to perdition.

watching a leaf cascade down the current
of a trickling stream
the weariness of it
grips me
beckoning me to remember...
remember a time
when my life was just as out of control
caught up in the daily
swirl of overwhelming emotions
losing my mind
to the static of uneasiness and worry
so weak
so exhausted
so willing to allow myself
to sink into the depths of despair

but love kept me afloat

every now and then
a whisper of yesterday breathes past me
reluctantly i welcome it,
but only for a moment
for with a beat of my heart
those memories of long ago fade away.

there is nothing sadder
than a person who has given up...
no hope
nothing to look forward to
no desire to care
no one to care about
feeling useless
helpless
at one with himself
no, there is nothing sadder than that.

sometimes
i just want to shake you free
let you fall to the ground
sweep you up
and toss you in the trash
wiping my hands saying
"his time was up,
he's used,
broken,
beyond repair"
then turn and walk away

but i can't

and it's hard

it feels like you're beating my heart
with your fists
until it becomes so battered
with bruises and pain
i can hardly breath
the pressure becomes unbearable
the hurt intolerable
agonizing

my only release is to weep
weep for the boy you once were
weep for the boy i know still exists
weep for the boy i love so, so unconditionally
and weep because i feel i have failed you
somehow
at some point

and i can't forgive myself for that
not now

so please, please
prove me wrong
and don't give up on yourself, my love

because if you do
i don't think i can live with that

i don't want a 4am phone call
asking for help

i don't want the crying
the begging
the accusations
thrown at you
but effecting me just the same

i don't want that sunken heart feeling
while answering a call i have always dreaded

i don't want to see you
in a state
of belligerence
incoherent
combative and drunk

i thought i was through with all that
once you left

i can't help you anymore
you chose to grow up
and move out
you said 'it was time'

yes, you have moved out
but you are far from grown up.

today is that day
when my mind explodes
with words
that attach themselves to paper.

why won't you leave my head?
like a song spinning round and round
the words akimbo, twisted, distorted,
senseless
and annoying
oh, so annoying...
because it's beyond my grasp
distressing me
because i cannot make it stop
you...you...you
over and over
your smile
your scent
your touch
i don't know you
barely remember you
but can't forget you
is it because you awakened in me
a hunger i had thought i'd lost?
opening my eyes
to rediscover the woman
i know i am?

yes
simply, yes

*sometimes it's a good thing to be a little mixed up in the head

give me shelter
from these thoughts
that can destroy me
offer me protection
from words
that are better left unsaid
release me
from the prison
of my mind
that forces me to become
a suffragette
for causes i don't believe in
offer me my courage
let me take back my strength
so i can rebuild the morality
of the person i once was.

my mind is a poetic jumble
of thoughts
desires
worries
problems
solutions
old loves
new loves
no loves
cash
having enough
not enough
where to get enough
too much work
too much play
boredom
sadness
contentment
sometimes i want to turn it off
sometimes i want to feel empty
sometimes i want to float away
away from all the bombardment
of words
like a helium balloon
going up, up, up
sailing, seeing everything beautiful
taking all the time in the world
remaining empty
and slowly losing that emptiness
starting to deflate
while drifting down, down, down
landing softly -  waiting for the words
to fill me up once again.

still
no matter
how old you are
no matter
how independent you think you are
no matter
how tough an exterior you've built around yourself
i can still feel your hurt
you must remember
you come from me
i am now, as i've always been
a part of you
so...
when you're feeling down
troubled
used
heartbroken
humiliated
or angry
i am here
for you
now, as i've always been.

gazing at the night sky
i think
of carefree days
days when the darkness
gave way
to the purple haze of morning
days when driving home
was filled with laughter
and young giddiness
when whatever was done
during that night
didn't matter
because we were young
and free
to do as we pleased

not that i long to be that age again
but i do long for that spirit
carefree
arrogant
trouble free
not caring about anything
except what we can do
to have fun

age is an unsettling thing
the numbers are engraved in us
we are supposed to ignore that
but how?
how do you forget something
that is celebrated each year?
how do you ignore the questions of
how old?
when were you born?
when did you graduate?
when, when, when....?????

no matter how young you look
or act
you are still THAT age.

so...how can i act happy
be happy
when what i want is to act
and be the way i was
back then
back in the day...

...when the darkness
gave way
to the purple haze of morning
when driving home
was filled with laughter
and young giddiness
when whatever was done
during that night
didn't matter
because we were young
and free
to do as we pleased

...and we hadn't imagined
anything other than that.

spilling out of bed
like molasses
to congeal on the floor
flowing slowly
wrenched by determination
towards the stairs
oozing gently down
step by step
drip by drip
finally reaching the bottom
where the sloppy puddles merge
gathering strength
like a phoenix rising
but then again, not
i stand unsteadily
holding onto the wall
to brace myself
overcome by a rush of queasiness
i rush to the lavatory
to alleviate my distress...

I WILL NEVER DRINK AGAIN!

walking along an empty road
that's endless
swimming in a sea
devoid of surf
lighting a fire
that will not burn out
climbing a mountain
that has no peak
soaring through a universe
that lacks gravity
these things ignore time
are unmeasured
infinite
these things possess the feeling of freedom
something we all seek
something we all need
something we all should have
without trying

breathing in the energy
of this new day
helps bring me closer
to the happiness
i've been longing for
always

lying next to you
i breathe in your scent
it is yours
and it brings you to me
even when you are long gone

holding your hand
i feel your pulse
it vibrates through you
into me
even when you are long gone

kissing you
i feel your passion
it envelopes me
turns me on
even when you are long gone

looking into your eyes
i see your love for me
filling me
enrapturing me
even when you are long gone

i wonder, will you remember me
even when i am long gone?

exist
in this moment
don't look forward
don't wander in the past
live and
let your life happen
then and only then
will you attain peace.

it gets old
this thinking
wondering
sometimes hoping
for someone
anyone
to amuse me
enlighten me
stimulate me
with words
conversation
a look
a touch
anything
loneliness gets boring
being alone has lost its charm
i am not a loner
well, not some of the time
anyway
no, some of the time
i need someone
anyone
to rouse me
excite me
love me

ok, i'm ready
come get me.

you
ya, you
blockin' my way
in the ******* car
the gas guzzler
with the loud music
and crazy laughter
head swayin'
dreadlocks swingin'
smoking somethin'
a cigar
cigarette
blunt
who knows
who cares
move out the way foo'
i mean
i dig the music
the dreads
yeah
but **** man
i gotta get on
i'm inna hurry
so move your ****** car!

“We're all going to die, all of us, what a circus! That alone should make us love each other but it doesn't. We are terrorized and flattened by trivialities, we are eaten up by nothing.”
― Charles Bukowski