he looked up at me with pleading eyes
rheumy eyes,
while his breath came out in short huffs
and puffs
i looked down at his hand
and it was shaking slightly
i reached to grab it
but stopped myself

looking at this man
he was hardly the beast of the past
the dark, sinful eyes
were blank
the mouth that uttered profanities
and evil laughter
was silent
the hands that triggered so much pain
were weak and still

here lay a stranger
feeble
old
powerless
begging me for mercy
asking me for forgiveness
willing me to set him free

i bent down lower so we were face to face
gazing intently into his eyes
looking for some truth
trying so hard to find sincerity
trying so very hard to find love
just a small trace
a hint of...

i took in the vacant stare
the emptiness behind it
and shook my head

when i stood up and started towards the door
i heard him whimper quietly
i hesitated
then continued on

it wasn't enough.

tomorrow will be bittersweet
filled with melancholy memories
of us
so much time has passed
i still think of you often
i have no more anger
i harbor no bad will
i do wish you happiness,
peace
and of course, love

we could've made it, you know
the two of us
i wanted you to be the one
with all my heart i tried
but with you
it could never be
just us
and i won't settle for that

but you did give me something
something that made me whole
complete
and for that
i am forever grateful

and that is why i hold you now
and always
in my heart
with wistful memories
of the us
that will never be.

to accept your convoluted definition of love
is like putting a loaded gun to my head
and pulling the trigger

i want to crawl inside of myself
to roam the byways, highways, streams and valleys
of all that is me
i want to poke, probe, dissect, and analyze
why i am who i am
what makes me tick
when, why, what, where and how
do i do what i do when i do it
where's the on switch?
the off?
what makes me go faster
slow down
or stop altogether?
why are the choices i make
the choices i made?
i want to squeeze my heart
punch it
make the blood flow
smoothly, warmly
pumping, pumping
filling me with new life
i want to cleanse my brain
purify it
taking me back to the start
to the innocence and trust
the hunger for knowledge
the openness for love
i want to find me again
and join me with myself and i
to begin our journey again
to try and get it right this time.

her body swayed to the music
a melancholic song poured from her lips
i couldn't take my eyes off of her
no one could
we were hypnotized by her
her moves pulled us in
her voice embraced us
bonding us together
a wave of bodies
floating
twisting
turning
swirling
up and down and
down and up
over each other
fluid
to spill out and cover the floor
exhausted
spent
...
alone she stood on the stage
looking out at us
amused by what she saw
unaware until then
of the power she possessed
she raised her arms
and bowed graciously
until someone bellowed
ENCORE...

we sat alone
on the bench
in the park
people watching
you tossed bread from your sandwich
to the pigeons
silently we stared
we held hands
every once in awhile
your thumb would graze my palm
time passed
and the sun began to set
the sky an intense purplish orange
you stood then
bent down
kissed me on the cheek
turned and started to walk away
i watched you
just as we had watched the pigeons
only moments before
but this was different
i was watching my love slip away
and i couldn't stop it
or you
our time was up
i should've kissed you
yes, i should've kissed you
now you are the one
that got away.

get away from me all you fools
store owners
underpaid store clerks
delivery people
disgruntled factory workers
bosses
know it alls
child molesting priests
rabbis
loud mouthed reverends
strippers
track armed hookers
pimps
johns who's wife won't give it up
teachers
shady lawyers
pill poppin' doctors
nurses
kids with colds
old people with dementia
***** dogs
feral cats
evil grandmas
perverted grandpas
street sweepers
***** garbage men
slick bartenders
waitresses
drunk people
people high on life
dope heads
meat heads
sober judges
all of you
go to hell in a handbasket
and let me live my life
in peace.

there's a sadness in a lonely child
a sadness that toys,
clothes,
or tv
can't bandage
no pill can ease
no therapy can erase
or help come to terms with
only love -
will satisfy the isolated
only love -
will bring a smile
and offer hope
love will provide encouragement
happiness
and create room for growth
love will offer a lifelong hug
and a gentle push
that will always guide them home.

this gnawing ache
eating at me
blurring my vision
blocking out all emotions but
anger
disgust, annoyance, irritation
my mind travels a path in a frenzy
and my composure is pulling away from me
far, far, away
control is just beyond my reach
i am chasing it now
desperate
it is so close i can feel it
i take a long, deep breath
and self control begins to circle me
i close my eyes and start to feel peace
breathing out the fury flows from me
like the white tassels of a dandelion
catching the wind and disappearing
and all is calm once again.

wind and rain beat
against mostly black cloth and exposed faces
occasionally a sniffle or quiet sob
could be heard
trees have been stripped of leaves
and mud replaces grass
in patches where sodden feet have dragged
if the day had been sunny
the mood would've been the same
a stillness seemed to surround the box
a sort of peace
but most couldn't see that
or feel it
they were too caught up in their own anguish
to understand the serenity of it all
he has finally gone home
he no longer feels pain
he no longer hopes for release
by freely going when he was called
he has liberated them
from their own pain
because of their love for him.

my baby
my love
i miss you most
on cloudy days
send me something
anything
to hold onto
send me you
come home

walking deserted streets at night
wondering
where you are
what you're doing
who you're with
do you think of me
me, that freak you once knew
me, the one you didn't understand
me, the unlikable
the unknowable
the unwanted
me
just me
without you
to make me feel
freakish
misunderstood
disliked
rejected
just me
without you
to make me feel
not like me

sadness
it surrounds me
darkness
it follows me
uneasiness
tries to consume me
the fight is tough
the urge to give in is strong,
easier
but
strength builds character
certainty produces confidence
this war can be won
the crusade towards happiness
is closer than once
imagined

can you hear me
i am crying out to you but
can you hear me
i am desperate
i need you but
can you hear me

can you feel me
my arms are trying to reach for you
my feet are slipping on unstable ground
my heart is thundering in my chest but
can you feel me

do you want me
is your mind crammed with me
does your heart burst from fullness
does your body tremble
do you want me

is this love
the pain, the desperation,
the hunger, the tears,
the craving, the dread, the desire
is this love

i think not.

the end
so permanent
done, finished, kaput
why can't we continue
why does it have to be over
let's start from the beginning
again
and this time
just once
make it a long time
until the end.

all this talk of love
want
need
lust
crying for
begging for
humbling oneself for
a look
a touch
attention
just a little
maybe a lot
something
anything
now
or later
but soon.
for life
is all about
love.

he trudged through the sand
kicking at nothing
lazily picking up stones
tossing them into the sea
his legs were stout
his fingers small
whispy blonde hair tossled in the wind
a dog trotted slightly behind him
black and white, i think
he noticed everything
treasures were abundant
a rock became a kings jewel
sticks became dynamite that would be used for an escape
the dog was his Tonto
his beach towel a cape that helped him fly
the beach was where he washed up
after escaping from a pirates ship
grinning happily he spun
round and round
until falling to the ground
overcome by a fit of giggles
the dog barked enthusiastically
also spinning
"DINNER!"
POP
he blinked his eyes one time
two
slightly dazed he glanced around
a frown creased his small forehead
then he slowly, oh so slowly got up
he glanced at his kingdom one more time
noticing the pirate ship in the distance
a slow smile crossed his face
as he turned and started running up the hill
towards home.

he cries out
in pain or ecstacy
only he knows
bewildered he looks up
red eyed and sweating
a glance at him sees
dirt crusted, torn clothes
tangled, black hair streaked with grey
open sores
old snot crusts his nose
slowly he pushes himself up
trying to steady himself against a brick wall
when he stands his pants fall slightly
he neither notices or attempts to lift them
people scurry past him
some give disgusted glances
others pretend to not see
he shakily extends a ***** hand
weakly he whispers
'help please'
he's no one's husband
no one's father
no one's son
he is alone
everyday
hoping someone
anyone
will notice him

standing on the corner waiting for the light to change
i'm looking at this one, that one, the one over there
all these people, all these moving beings
walking, walking, walking,
talking, talking, talking
lost in oblivion
not paying attention
to me
to anyone
BUMP
i stumble, drop a book
not a glance
no apology
vessel of meat with arms and legs
no heart
no feelings
talking, talking, talking
what's so important?
did someone die?
.....
ah, you're meeting for drinks at 6
and you'll
walk, walk, walk
so you could
talk, talk, talk
to another
creature of habit
fun.

the sun doesn't rise and set in anyone's eyes
for me
the earth doesn't rumble and split when he walks by
for me
colors don't seem brighter, sky's aren't clearer, birds don't sing louder
for me
cupid doesn't shoot arrows filled with love
fragrant flowers don't fill the room
there aren't sweet boxed chocolate smears on lips
there isn't a quick beating of the heart
there isn't a forever and ever til death do us part
for me
but that's cool
i've got time
i'll wait
and wait
and wait
for you.

why are you so weak?
why do you listen to nonsense?
where is your backbone?
do you realize how foolish you look?
do you care how idiotic you sound?
are you that desperate for acceptance?
love?
companionship?
friends?
you have taught me one thing though
how i DON'T want to be
thank you.

bury this day
make the hole deep then
fill it in with the dirtiest dirt and
pound that down with the biggest rocks and
leave them
on top of the dirt making
the grave airtight and secure. don't
leave a marker, there
won't be any visitors
just bury this day

accepting the unacceptable
to accept
while trying to be accepted

believing the unbelievable
so to believe
in something

tolerating the unethical
to hide weakness
and deny decency

following the wicked
because of vulnerability and hopelessness

never comprehending truth
because of rejecting it for so long.

tender the night
whispering wind
night birds calling their lovers in
melancholy moments
strengthened by the moon
forbidden caresses
remembered too soon
a hunger for passion
a stubborn need for touch
soothed while using myself as a crutch
the craving is satisfied
for tonight at least
blended with my dreams
of lascivious peace

the battle raging within me
is very hard to control
strength against strength
weakness against weakness
emotional turmoil
riding an unceasing wave
of an irrepressible anguish
building upward at an incomprehensible speed
to come crashing down
with enough force
to render me weak, begging for sleep
drained and alone
at the mercy of my mind
pleading for the strength to get through another day.

prrrrr
push push push
prrrrr
push push push
a swish of a tail
a scuttling under the bed
diamond green eyes searching, trusting
a nudge at my foot
prrrrr
push push push
prrrrr
a smile crosses my lips
i reach for you
hug nothing but pillow
my eyes mist over
my heart aches
prrrrr
prrrrr
hush hush now
go to sleep
i got you
right here
you'll always be right here

the rain pings against the drain pipe outside my window
my mind floats in a universe i do not understand
i am feeling guilt i have no control over
i have done no wrong yet i am burdened
the world around me is grey
   am i sick?
     am i tired?
have i really been given a life i can control?
do i really have that much power?
i want to embrace happiness
grey has become tiring
the rain nourishes, promotes birth, allows growth
if i can only accept that

the day starts normal enough;
i get out of bed
bathroom stop
brush my teeth
comb my mop
make the coffee
feed the cats
get the paper
check the stats
take a shower
pick out my clothes
put on makeup
start to slow
get to thinking
remembering when
you were somewhere
close at hand
usually sleeping
didn't matter
i could feel you
hear your patter
you are my baby
never forget
even though you're older
your place is set
my heart is broken
but in a good way
you've left our home
somewhere else you'll play
you're a man now
and prouder i could not be
but it doesn't make it easier
your leaving me
i shed some tears
just thinking of you
knowing that this love
is so so purely true
a mother's heart starts to break
the moment her baby makes his stake
he grabs her heart
and holds on tight
never letting go
it's his given right
to feel that joy
and then the sorrow
when your little one leaves
for better tomorrows
he doesn't know any better
this is what you've groomed him for, right?
if only it didn't hurt so much
when he permanently takes flight
i'll wipe my tears
i'll stand up tall
knowing my boy
became a man after all.
you'll never know
how much of my heart you hold
until you, yourself
have a little one of your own.

"you must know", he cried
"you must tell me the truth!"
his eyes begged, hers showed nonchalance
she slowly picked at a nail
his fists clenched tighter and tighter as the moments passed
tick tock tick tock
"what must i do?", he begged.
she looked up, only slightly, and smirked
went back to her nail, shrugged
fists opening, closing, opening, closing
tick tock, tick tock
"please" he tried
she lifted her head slightly, a lock of hair hung over an eye, she slowly wetted her lips with her tongue
and then she smiled.
a victorious smile.
"please", he said quietly as his eyes followed her receding footsteps
tick tock, tick tock
slowly he unclenched his fists, his hands shook slightly
"but, i love you"
tick tock, tick tock

ah, welcome today!
tasty breakfast, morning news
hair put up to stay!
ah, welcome today!
bright sunlight, whispy clouds
traffic flowing my way!
ah, welcome today!
a hug hello, a coffee cup
workload kept at bay!
ah, welcome today!

what beauty in this world
what magic that surrounds us
too many times such simpleness is ignored
like the veins in a leaf
or bubbles on the wave.
the chirp of a bird
and the rustle of the trees.
a burping frog,
the sun, blinding us with sparkling, pure light, offering
swimming fish flashing perfect rainbows.
the slither of a snake through autumn soaked forests.
dew on the morning grass.
open your eyes
embrace what surrounds you
for there is nothing simple within the simplest of things

a black feather circles with the wind,
it's beautiful, that black against the blue,
so gentle, so free
floating, floating, floating
until it comes to rest at my feet
i nudge it, curious, amused
it's still now
no life
but still beautiful
so i put it in a hat
a big, black hat with a green ribbon and now a black feather
and i strut
and then i am floating, floating, floating
with a feather in my hat
and i am gentle, and i am free
and i am beautiful
so beautiful

thinking of you brings me no joy
where there was once cheer, now oozes doom
where i had once felt peace, a battle rages
cowardice overtakes courage
weakness destroys strength
ugliness replaces beauty
you hold the rope and tighten the noose until i start to fall
and i smile.
but you're not finished. no, not yet.
you release me. 'save her for another day'.
i have failed.
you have won.
but there's tomorrow, i will always have tomorrow.

when my mind shakes i urge it, silently, to quell, to stop
i can ease it, slowly, to ebb
then it is silent, unthinking, blurred, but alert
with eyes that seek but do not see
with ears that listen but do not hear
with a mouth that forms words but finds no voice.
this will become my moment of peace.
this has become my moment of life.

no, not this time
you will not eat me up
you will not tear me down
i am better than that
i am better than you
no, not this time

the will in me is strong
   like a bird building a nest
   like a spider weaving its web
   like a storm heading towards shore.
the love in me is fierce
   like boxers in a ring
   like soldiers fighting a war
   like horses in a race.
the peace in me is shaky
   like a chair with a broken leg
   like a boat in the waves
   like a swing from a tree.
but the will in me is strong.

to one day become me
to shed my layers and not squirm in my nakedness
to be able to shout in honest joy at what i see
to look at you and smile, sardonically, aware of what you've tried to do to me
and to know, that you have lost
and i have won.