why do i embrace solitude
so much
why is it i crave to be alone
why is friendship a hassle
and partners annoying
why does family aggravate me
and children make me scowl
is this a sad existence
for one person
   for me
was i born to be one
a soul survivor
alone
but not lonely
by myself
but enjoying the company
or is it selfish of me
for not wanting to try
and accomodate

he's a slippery human being
moving in and out
of passages and doorways
alleys and streets
sniffing and searching
until he finds what he is looking for
the need in him pulls him
to the darkest areas of the city
the dank underbelly
where the bad stay
the connivers, thieves,
con artists, swindlers,
pushers and users
motherless scoundrels
who's selfish desperation
lead them to do the unthinkable
and he is one of them
a snake
who's desire must be satisfied
his insides cooked, brain baked,
blood boiled to give his body a jolt
of hard lined, vein pumped
rapture
this reptile of a man
a mere shell of his former self
will scour the deepest corners
of filth and damnation
to find the cure to what ails him
and by doing so
will offer a short fix
to his broken life.

having only myself to depend on
worries me

looking at the people around me
are they really so happy
   joyful
   at peace
do they not have worries
   discontentment
   disarray
   uneasiness
   cold sweats
   hard hearts
   disgusting habits
   habitual consistencies
   cheating minds
   adulterated souls

or is it only me?

i won't tire you
with my constant woes
and misdemeanors
i won't burden you
with my worries
i won't squash you
with my unending need
of confirmation
i won't use you
as a sounding board
i won't turn to you
for comfort
that is short lived
i'll forget you
i'll pretend you don't exist
   instead
i'll pack away all my troubles
into the suitcase of my mind

begging for understanding
without saying a word
reaching for an illusory hand
feeling an ethereal embrace
holding onto illusive happiness

all in my imagination

dragging through this wintery day
seeing things through a hum drum
bleakness
grays become grayer
instead of glimpsing chromatic colors
the world spins in monotone
the shell that has enveloped me
needs more force to undo
than what little power i have in me
my mind has become trained
to resist me
pulling me deeper into the depths
of sadness
my want has not become strong enough
my motivation is non existent
this hopelessness
is tearing me apart

i'm begging for the strength
to search for the brilliance

lying in a field
sprinkled with wildflowers
and honeysuckle
breathing in
the deep fragrance
takes me back to an imagined time
of yesteryear
a young girl
infatuated with beauty
filled with a wide eyed lust
for life
brazenly consuming
all that's put before her
greedily gorging herself
with the earth's
magnificence
longing for an intoxicating end
of innocence
blissfully embracing
the world in it's simplest form

to dream
and become vulnerable
undressed and open
accepting with an open mind
is a very accomplished task

lured to dance with
mephistopheles tonight
diving into the dark
underbelly of the city
creeping unnoticed
on the edge of insanity
playing with the minds of fools
   so easily encaptured
because of desperation
and desire
   effortlessly buoyed
with a feathering touch
   kept afloat
with false promises
of procreation
   left wasted and spent
along the wayside
providing comical relief
for the devil and i

i'm thinking of a
him
   a he
   mister
   dude
no reason for
just because
i've been missing
   a him
   he
   mister
   dude
for too long

today is cold
dreary
wintery
which makes sense
considering tomorrow
is the first day of winter
and i must say
   welcome
   come on in
   let's play
'cuz the sooner i can welcome you
the sooner i can say goodbye

*no offense, of course

there's this day
and that
the weeks merge into
months
months into years
i think i'm still the same
i don't feel different
do i look different
to you
do i smell different
then what you're used to
has my body changed
is my mind less than brilliant
do i not amuse you
stimulate
attract
turn on?
let me know
please, let me know
so i could let you know
that this is it
this is what i've been
this is what you know i am
and just because you've grown tired
bemused
uninterested
does not mean
i will change
because changing to suit you
will not suit me.

walking through the door
she is greeted by a few
half assed hellos
she nods and heads to the familiar stool
she usually occupies at the end of the bar
the stool is maroon, cracked vinyl
and wobbles dangerously when she sits
she instinctively reaches for her cigarettes
kept in her jacket pocket
then stops with annoyance recalling the ban
'***** rocks, joe'
and the iced, clear drink
seems to appear out of nowhere
'keep em' comin''
she sighs hungrily after the first sip
and settles deeper, more relaxed, into her seat
again, the cigarettes
again, the weary shake of her head
she perks a little when reaching for her drink

joe gives way to dave
and the late afternoon
creeps into early evening
the clinking of glasses becomes more frequent
all the stools and most of the tables are filled

there’s drunken laughter
tipsy arguments
glass eyed flirtations
bold approaches
weepy departures

   and she sits through it all
with her *****
on her stool
alone
at the bar.

tooling through the day
in a bewildered sense of slap happy being

and i haven't even had a drink yet!

swinging high
swinging low
cowering from the bright sunlight
feeling ecstatically numb
come twilight
being torn apart by unnerving dreams
waking exhausted and drained
eyes ablaze and red
floating through the day
confused and distracted
desperate for sleep
but fearful of another disruptive night.

how can such a tiny thing
leave such a huge hole in my heart

i miss you, my love

standing alone
on a fantastical shoreline
i watch another part of my soul
fade away
over the rolling waves
  
and it saddens me

ignite my heart
brighten my soul
   once again
before another piece
sails away from me
forever.

there's you
there's me
and there's us
at this time
i'll stick with the me
without the you
giving me no reason
for us

i crave the warm embrace
of a bottle of wine

it's hard to try and stay amused
when among imbeciles
keeping a calm demeanor
tries on my last nerve
the very being of some
is enough to born thoughts in me
of pure and complete violence
   in the harshest form
these people
these....creatures of habit
commoners living in a habitual environment
carbon copies of their predecessors

give me a headache.

i'm standing at the fork
looking this way and that
both roads look the same
but i know they're not
it's crucial i choose the right one
which way is my heart telling me to go?
...my head?
i again glance this way
and that
there's no sign
there's no one to point me in the right direction
so i swallow hard
and take the first step
   then the second
   third
   fourth
and i'm running
because i know
i have chosen the right path

i carry this secret inside of me
struggling to hold it
   tight
feeling it pushing at the outer corners of my mind
waiting for the chance
to escape
   from my lips

but by liberating my heart
i will ******* another's

you have left me with this burden

   by freeing yourself
   you have imprisoned me
knowing my choice will always be purgatory
rather than selfish deliverance

he's a little boy
small for his age
he tends to stand at the back
near the back
or around the back
somewhere
invisible
or so he hopes
he doesn't want attention
doesn't need it
is perfectly comfortable
staying unobserved
undetected
he goes through the motions of the day
not raising his hand
head down
scribbling
pretending to be concentrating
praying not to be called on
when the bell rings he hangs back
shuffles papers through his desk
pretending to organize
peering up unseen
until the last foot has shuffled out the door
then he stands, flips his backpack over his shoulder
and starts to take slow, steady steps
towards home.
this little boy
small for his age
suffocated by uncertainties
praying to be left alone
has survived another day without incident.
this boy doesn't want much
he doesn't need much
all he wants is to be left alone
all he wants is to be able to live the day
unnoticed.

i want you to
sing the words 'i love you'
but pant the words 'i want you'

anger doesn't liberate you
it imprisons you

a nature made mirror
of ice coated streets
people tottering through the cold
bundled in galoshes, mittens, scarves & hats
snowflakes drifting slowly down
meeting a child's tongue
or gently glazing treetops
leaving a dusting of powdery white
fierce winds blowing,
howling hauntingly
sledders gliding down hills
twisting, turning and bumping
in glee
snowmen made in comical flair
  rosy cheeks
   dripping noses
   watery eyes


ah, winter, you fierce beast
such a variety of possibilities
you do offer.

waking and
falling drunkenly into the day
but being completely sober
stumbling out of bed
hitting the floor with a wince
trying desperately to stay solid
even though the ground is swaying
absently searching for the exact pieces
to complete the puzzle that's my mind
   whirl a gig thoughts
   sanity on edge
tears dammed only by chance
another day overcome by a blindness of being
   another day
   waiting for the hypothetical slap in the face

me
looking at your face
reading desperation
in every pore
seeing the regret drip down your cheeks
in the form of tears
i suspect anguish
in your quivering lips
and i sense the remorse
racing throughout your body
as you reach towards me
with outstretched arms
   i have to step back
   retreat
so as not to get ****** back into
your web of lies
once again.

breathing in the scent of pine*
is it too cliche to say it opens up memories
of christmas's past?
do i need to light a pine scented candle
in order to get into the spirit?
   i do
     i will
if that's what it takes.

look at you
with your cockeyed smile and starry eyes
do you view the world
through a nice, comfortable
haze
does your vision filter out
the sharp edges
leaving you with a blurry outline
so everything seems soft
   muted
floating through the day
intoxicated by the fabrication
of what you believe to be true
   and content with that
why question supposition
when drifting through the day in a dreamlike state
is so much easier.

lend me a hand, will ya
pull me up from this deep vat
of loneliness
and offer me to bask in the light
of a thousand suns
after washing me with compassion
and purifying me with love and tenderness
my needs are few/my wants easy
all i petition for is a strong arm to lift me up

i find myself filled with
zealous animosity
while observing the happy go lucky
faces of holiday revelers
i'm overtaken by a jealous urge
to deflate their wonderment and joy
                            somehow, someway

   would tripping one of them
as they walk by me
be too obvious
   would swiping the candy cane
from a rosy cheek brat
give away my true state of mind
   would throwing tomatoes at the parade santa
label me as a scrooge

these thoughts haunt me
i despise being eaten away by the exact frame of mind
i wouldn't tolerate from others
only the year before

hopefully this unintentional insanity
is short lived
hopefully my emotional strength of wills
will ground me...once again
for this me is not the me i want to spend
the remainder of my days with

approaching the day
with a great anticipation
of good times
and laughter
starting out with a glass of wine
taking it slowly
feeling a lightness in spirit
and promise
desire, maybe
nothing too extreme
holding onto certainty
welcoming the concrete assurance
of merriment

blending of emotions
internally
feeling the unsteady beat
of my heart
fighting a constant battle
of knowing what needs to be done
and having the courage to actually do it
longing for a simplicity of thought
dreading the complexity
that has become all too familiar
but knowing also, that i alone
have permitted this anguish
and that i alone have the power to diffuse it.

i'd be willing to follow the road to happiness
if it came with a guarantee.

you're standing before me
dripping in remorse
melting in shame
filled with self doubt
and hunting for forgiveness
   but using the wrong bait
your humility has become less believable
each time
this performance has grown old
   and
you need some new material

he approached my window
this sad boy
   or so he seemed
he had pleading eyes
that weren't true
looking deeper
i sensed a crookedness
cunning
but i gave anyway
but not because i was fooled
i was intrigued
   i craved a fable
what has brought you here
   i asked
what misfortune have you encountered
   to become a beggar
   to lose all sense of pride
   to become less than humbled
   and at the mercy of others
in order to survive
   his answer i had forgotten
as soon as he started to speak
because his fabricated drama
was unremarkable
ordinary
so this time
my selfish reasons for giving
were unmeasured.

sitting here
thinking of all the yous i have had
there was you number one
the special you
who made me blossom
you number two
who took me away from
you number one
you number three
who brought me back to
you number one
you number four
who i can't remember
and all the yous after that
who blur together
except you number
   fifteen
you were that extra special you
because you promised me
life happily ever after
but you ended up leading me to
you number sixteen
and all the yous hence forth
which were only time fillers
and carnal desire necessities
none of yous mattered
until the last you arrived
and you were the one
who made me think
i will never have a you
again.

looking out my window
i see families struggling to put up christmas lights
untangling, untwisting, yelling, cursing
   and then laughing and cheering,
standing back and admiring
the final result.

i want to put up christmas lights
just
like
that.

i see her
rambling along the sidewalk
sometimes the street
shaking
her body shakes
her hands, her head
shaking
and looking down
she's always looking down
passing her
i try to meet her eyes
look at me
i silently urge
sometimes she does
sometimes she doesn't
but when she does
it's only a glance
   up
like she's caught underneath a huge tree branch
that has fallen on her
and has her trapped
her eyes seem to be pleading
always
but for what
i do not know
and she mumbles
grumbles
has conversations within herself
with herself
being pleased with herself
and shaking
shaking her head
at all the inconsequential
beings that surround her
for in her mind
feeble or otherwise
she is sane
an alone sane being
surrounded by nincompoops
and ninnies
who don't understand
or care to understand
that she, and she alone
is normal
or as normal as can be
in this crazy, insane
mixed up world.

(W) armth spreading through me
(I) gniting my emotions
(N) umbing just the right amount of brain cells
(E) ffortless effervescence

looking at you now
i wonder where you've gone
i can't reach you
because you're not there
   not really
and i miss you.
i miss watching your eyes light up
when seeing me at the end of the day
i miss you calling for me
i miss your hugs
   just because
and your kisses on my cheek
i miss wiping your tears
and cheering you on
i miss tucking you in bed at night
and waking you early for a day full of adventure
i miss looking over at the passenger seat in my car
and seeing you there
i miss talking about things that weren't important to anyone
but us
i miss sitting together watching tv
not saying a word
but both of us feeling safe and comfortable
i miss you being there when i needed you
even though you had no idea that i did
i miss the little boy you were
more so because you won't let me know
the man you have become.

something that's where it wants to be
doesn't need to be held onto.

following the happiness and exuberance
of others
   in my head
wishing, hoping, craving for
the realness of that
   in me
willing my mind to soar
instead of descending
into the depths of despair
this all consuming darkness
is overpowering
the grayness of the days is suffocating
i am crying out for an illumination of time
bring me the essence of a brilliant sunrise to sunset
show me the wonderment of a prismatic world
ensure in me pure exultation.

all the preparing
for the big show
the making things perfect
the displaying of stuff just so
there's the
mixing
blending
shaking
seasoning
pouring
cooking
boiling
bakin­g
frosting
whipping
cutting
trimming
spooning
followed by the
devouring
wolfing
scarfing
cramming
munching
chomping
noshing
g­uzzling
slurping
swallowing
and ending with
burping
hiccuping
passing gas
and passing out

happy thanksgiving

just looking at you
builds a rage in me i can't understand
i want to slam into you
with words that cause more hurt
than if you were beaten with a club
why do i let you bring out this side of me?
because, honestly,
if i release my fury
i'll end up more wounded than you

is it better to live life
medicated and content
or sober and dispirited?

can you hear me crying at night
can you feel my body shake
consumed with the pain
you've embellished on me
do you think a simple
i'm sorry
will cure me
don't you know a crushed heart
does not fully heal
it can only be medicated
and bandaged enough to not care
but the hurt is always there
expecting another you
to tear off the scab
and start the bleeding
once again.

if you throw a pebble at my window
i will let you in.

she sits alone
watching the falling snow
through her bedroom window
her mind wanders to the past
trying to remember a time
when she didn't feel so alone
she doesn't remember happiness
she doesn't remember feeling love
giving a hug
or offering a sympathetic ear
all she remembers is anger
and resentment
hatred even
lashing out at the innocent
hurting the ones that loved her most
she has long given up questioning why
what's the point now
no use in trying to make amends
they have all left her
abandoning her
after years of cruelty
and now her empty arms search for comfort
in vane
her barren heart has kept her a prisoner
within herself
her past sins have brought her to this place
of solitude
and loneliness
her only consolation
is knowing death is near
a bitter old woman
who has solidified her fate
years ago.