at this time
my baptismal drink of choice
is
three olives
with a splash
of lo-cal cranberry.

Nostrovia!

the father's arms
hold the girl close
he feels her weak heartbeat
against his chest
in his mind
he is desperately seeking
for help
   an answer
   some advise
   a sign of reassurance
               that this child
   will be okay
that this creature
    a part of him
a living being that he helped create
will survive this
she must pull through
she has to
for without her
he has no purpose
no reason
her life was planned
   mapped out
in his soul
years before
since the very beginning
of him
without him there would be no her
but without her
he also, will cease to exist.

one day
i'll be still
and accepting
of everything that's wrong
because
it won't matter
one day
i'll watch the chaos
and hurt
outside my window
and give a chuckle
because
it won't matter
one day
i'll gratefully accept my fate
with open arms
because
it never really mattered
anyway.

thoughts of you
catch me unguarded
   glancing at the door
   walking down the stairs
   mindlessly watching the cars park
i think of you
working on someone's car
and phoning me so i can see you
from the window...shirtless
   i'll catch a whiff of you
while walking to my office
and i wonder
is this the smell of him
or has this scent always been here
undetected by me
until i became involved
with him
you still surround me
very much so
and i miss it
i miss you
and the way you made me feel.

the more i watch you
the more sickened i become

the overdone laughter,
the flirtatious looks,
the gentle stroke of your hand
on his arm

makes me want to puke
                         yes, puke

i overhear the lame joke you tell
and i am astonished to see him
overcome with laughter
adding a slap on his knee
for emphasis

who is this man,
and what did you do
with the person i once loved?

he hates
   lame jokes
he hates
   unnecessary exaggeration
he hates
   overrated acts of affection

or does he?

maybe i'm the fool
for thinking he felt the same way
     as i...

...concerning imbeciles
displaying unnatural acts
of silliness
just to impress

...for assuming
he doesn't like
public displays of affection

and yes, maybe i'm the fool
   for thinking he doesn't like to be touched
                 too much

thinking of that now
and looking at you
i guess it's settled then

yes, i am the fool.

you stand there
in the midst of an audience
that you always seem to draw
   animated arms
   loud voice
   obnoxious laughter
hurtful words
   as always
using the vulnerable
as your verbal punching bag
   the skinny pock marked guy
with the stutter
   the shy girl
with thick glasses
and stringy hair
the plump jolly man
who enjoys to eat
                so what
but to you
they are targets
objects used to get your rocks off
the things needed
to further expand
your self identified
     power
morality?
     you have none
decency?
     absolutely not
courtesy?
respectability?
good manners?
compassion?
     unheard of...
no, you...
     you're a bully
but also, a shell of a man
that feeds on the weaknesses of others
an egotistical *******

but someday
you will meet your match
man
     or woman
who won't cower in your presence
who will expose you for the quivering idiot
that you truly are.

and that will be the one time
i will be part of the audience
   to watch.

show your strength
by admitting your weakness

it's time to bid you farewell
                my friend

thinking of you
brings forth memories
of much simpler times
      growing up
and becoming close
when our only worries
were what to wear
to impress the new boys
next door

i picked the wild one
with the firebird
and you picked
the seemingly stable one
with the van
(oh how looks truly are deceiving)

and from then on
our lives were intertwined
with many twists and turns
and acrobatic escapades
          most happy
   but some sad

we were pulled apart
                        at times
but always seemed to find our way back
to each other
and slipped back in comfortably
to a friendship that was reliable
        secure

i won't say i'll miss you
because i know you will be as close to me now
as you've always been
for miles are only space
and no distance can separate
true friends...like us
     connected by the heart

what you are about to face
may challenge you
may make you yearn for the comfortable
          the familiar
and if that happens
you call me
    or think of me
and we'll reconnect
like we always have
       two true friends
   of the heart.

to hurt so deeply
   being so young
is heartbreaking
to see

not wanting to live
   is unbearable
to witness

having no one
   and feeling so very alone
unsettles me

not seeing the good in life
and not having the strength
to try and seek it
   bothers me

but reaching out
  with a written voice
gives me faith
that there is hope.

for some reason
i always picture myself holding on
   desperately
fingertips lightly touching
       and finally letting go
with me floating away
               up and away
twisting and turning
with arms outstretched

       but no longer seeking to grasp
   or trying to reach out
just thoroughly enjoying
                         the ride.

i'm easily bored
and dread monotony
the constant changing of things
                                   people
is necessary
    to keep me amused
     entertained
      enlightened
       stimulated
my senses need to appreciate
new things
  sights
  smells
  sounds
           touch

something for you to consider

for i don't want to corral you
with the mundane
                   and boring

i'd be forced to dismiss you
with a wave of my hand
while imagining a poem
of yet another
fallacious love.

climbing the steps of life
i glance up
and see i have a long way to go
   and i'm relieved

the higher i climb
the tougher it gets
at times i stumble
even lose a step
   or two
but i always regain my footing
and continue on
   and on
     and on

i wonder where i will end up...
   will i be satisfied
     will it be what i expected
      will i be deserving?
will i leave behind...
   goodness
    wisdom
     broken hearts
      relief?

wherever it is...
                     my final destination
i will embrace it
and i will be relieved
   that i had made it
                   that far.

the pigeons on my roof
make a soothing sound
between a purr
                    and a hum
   i like it

   the fluttering of their wings
the peck, peck, pecking of their beaks
searching for one more crumb

they keep my cat amused
   he's at the window
black tail swishing
eyes dilated with anticipation
making his small clucking sounds

cat and bird
   inches apart
one anxious for feathers to fly
the other only hoping for one last bit
of bread.

tap tap tapping
on the computer
   working
my mind wonders
   as it usually does at this time
i hear the whir of work trucks
and smell the greasy, diesel exhaust
the mumbled hum of voices
   different but familiar
paper being spit out in sheets
labeled with jumbled words
   and photos
some artwork
   if you can call it that

production
   money
from this pocket to that

the cursor is blinking at me
beckoning me to make a move
   punch a key
    or shut it down

decisions, decisions...

...my eyes tell me it's time to call it a night
   there's always tomorrow
to get this machine running
   once again.

writing about cheeriness
      isn't as soul gripping
as writing about despair



is the contented mind
                  uncreative?

the sky is brighter
   today
the colors more vibrant
   today
things i look at seem clearer
crisper
the edges sharper
   today
     i will enjoy today
i will swallow it up
and gorge myself on it
because this amazing intensity
might not be here
   tomorrow.

letting go
i see you drift away from me
getting smaller
and smaller
until you are nothing more
than a tiny speck
on the horizon
of my heart.

he* came to me
   i didn't seek him out
he
   flirted
   teased
   baited
   and propositioned
he tried to
   persuade
   charm
   tempt
and ******
                 me

i was *intrigued

enough to
   flirt and
   tease
but not enough to
   to be caught
and i definitely was not
   persuaded, charmed nor seduced

but i was
   tempted
scarily so...

...so i propositioned
he collect all that energy
   used in charming me
and invest it towards
making it work
          with you.

you're welcome.

i see you
in the distance
waving to me
   beckoning
i imagine you calling to me
i never left...
i'm right here

and i'll run to you
and you'll lift me up
and swing me round
planting a big, wet,
sloppy kiss on me
laughing, saying
i told you, i never left
i'm right here

and i won't wake up
               because i didn't want you to leave
i always wanted you to stay
             right here.

lying in the darkness
i'm afraid
              and i'm not
i can feel something
                         someone
near me
reaching out to touch me
    gently
     timidly
i close my eyes tight
and wish it, him, her, away
                and they're gone
and i'm alone again
in the darkness
comforted by it
                 but not
waiting
for a touch that may not come
because i've wished it away
one too many times.

in my dream
i am watching myself
and i am wondering
who i am
               exactly
where do my thoughts come from
my desires

or do i desire...anything
                           anyone
or am i content
with only myself
settling for nothing less
                   than the best
which, in this dream
happens to be
me.

i cried for you last night
sobbing into my pillow
i was wrought with the pain of loss
so fresh
it was as if you'd just left me

i am so sorry

i am still so overcome with guilt
   i can't seem to let go
i had let you down
   you
my most precious love
   you
who trusted me to take care of
   you
i wasn't there for
   you
and, deservedly
my heart shattered

i am so sorry

there's no thing that can fix that
i know...
i've tried

i am so sorry

     it's funny though
because i know you'd forgive me
but i can't forgive myself
and until that day comes,
if it ever comes,
my heart will never be the same
   without you.

someone take a bat to my head
and knock out the last of my self pity


please.

the serenity
is what brings me back
year after year

not listening but hearing
the peaceful sounds
of the lake
brings a tenderness to my heart
an uncomplicated feeling
   of just being

looking out across the water
filling myself up
with the sheer wonderment
   of all that is before me
takes me to another level
   of myself
where i am
all accepting
of what is offered to me
   non questioning
    accommodating
     gullible

breathing deeply
i blanket myself with
the pure, unassuming, welcomed
intensity
of sheer happiness.

there's a sadness in a poet
   at least in this poet there is
a deepness that squeezes my soul
something i carry around with me
     always
even through the happiest of times

i need it, that gloominess
i don't think i could survive without it
it pushes me
   this sadness
it stimulates my innards
   my feeling melancholic
leaves me suffocating at times
   and bewildered...

...but feeling doleful
gives my words life
and if i weren't able to give life to my words...
...well, the opposite of that
isn't too appealing

i wish to be buoyant
   like a tree
moving gracefully with the wind
   of my unsettling thoughts
letting the leaves of my worry
   fall to the ground
     dead and soon forgotten
to have buds of newness
spring forth and blossom
   in a natural birth
i'll embrace the calm of the earth
letting the sun hug me with it's warmth
   offering me a fresh start.

not living up to my ideal of perfect
is very disappointing indeed

i want to live in my imagination
amongst the people and things
that are perfect in my mind

i will laugh with the silly
dance with the agile
walk with the inspired
and swim with the buoyant

i will talk with the wise
sing with the melodic
and paint with the most artistic

i will make love to the sensual
and i will hold hands with the one
who was cut perfectly for me
by my ingenuity

yes, i want to live in my imagination
where everything is structured perfectly
just for me
                  by me.

i can hear your voice
   calling to me
through the wind lashed trees
the rustling leaves spreading comfort
   deep within my limbs
oh, these autumn nights
are the nights i miss you most
with the melancholic breezes
   tickling my senses
    reminding me of you
making me remember
                           us.

how each day comes to me
burdened with the sorrows
of yesterday
my hope for overnight calm
   diminished
    shattered
with the gaping dawn

how each day drags for me
ladled with added suffering
   and worry
building to a crescendo of torment
    deafening me

how each day ends for me
head pounding with explosive thoughts
my mind begging for sleep
    and unconsciousness
weary with the expectation
of facing another day

i float with the wind
gathering up lost blooms
blown free from the flowers below

hugging them close to my heart
inhaling deeply the scent
of pure unadulterated beauty

billowing towards earth
landing softly
onto a golden field
of natures supreme
feeling a love of life
that fills me
with a peaceful consciousness

so much sadness
   unease
     self loathing
where does it come from
   i wonder
what makes a person
feel so low
being kicked around
   used
     abused
       tortured
deep in the soul
hoping to find love
accepting anything less than
but clinging to the need of wanting
   more
such damaged spirits
   floating
    bumping into each other
then landing onto the lap
   of a being less than kind
and offering of themselves
   hanging onto an imagined love
                           once again.

is it possible to fall in love
with words on a page
to let your imagination
invent the perfect match
just from the text
that is written
feeling in your heart
that whoever wrote those words
has to be your kindred soul
has to be the epitome of perfection
for you?

i'm thinking it may be possible

somersaulting through the night
landing face first
into a bed smelling of love
finding you there
filled with acrobatic amusement
   and i am airborne
   once again.

he's still there
that beggar boy
holding his sign
hooded
with a scarf tied tightly
around his face and neck
gloves, i think
ragged tan pants
*****
looking at me with sad eyes
pleading eyes
eyes that say
you know you want to
    give
      give
        give
but i don't
nope
not this time, kiddo

you're playing it cool, though
hangin' in the bitter cold
with your sign
and those sad eyes
knowing
just knowing
that you'll get your cheddar
from these sympathetic people
who are already luckier than you
sitting in their heated up cars
saying
look at that poor kid,
here's a dollar you poor thing
and you
stuffin' that buck into your ragged tan pants
and sayin'
thank you, mam, god bless

but not me
nope
i helped you once
uh uh
no more
you don't fool me
with your ragged tan pants
and sad eyes

know why
'cuz i don't believe you, that's why

thoughts
              words
are spinning inside of me
not slowing
but easing enough
to let one
   or two
jump out
onto the paper
sometimes mixed up
                                and jumbled
to be rearranged by me
to make some sort of sense
   and project the translation
           i have within me
that's managed to escape
from an out of control brain.

these twisting, turning days
of confusion
suffocate me with an intensity
that i feel may someday
   destroy me

i can yell the loudest
   should i prove it
i can laugh the most boisterous
   should i prove it
i can cry intensely
   should i prove it
i can love the deepest
   should i prove it
i can hurt immensely
and i think you've proven *that

so many loud yelps
barking voices
clacking at each other
believing that their ignorance
and unabashed rudeness
will get results

   hurray for the strong shouldered
head held high
who ignore such brazen brashness
of the moronic

   bravo to you
that can stop an imbecile
dead in his tracks
by a stone cold
   even gazed
     eye meet eye
stare  

stopping the foolish without uttering a word.

you're someone who's hug
i can melt into

sitting alone
on a bench
eyes closed
silent
he startled
and opened his eyes
to find a small girl
standing before him
offering him a bright, yellow flower
"this is for you"
she said
"so you won't be sad no more"

he accepted it, confused
and she turned and skipped away

he looked at the flower
then smiled
and his heart glowed

thank god for the genuine goodness of children

she sits
in her grandmothers chair
head in hand
staring placidly out the window
frost is starting to form at the outer edges
and she feels the chill creeping through the glass
so she tightens the afghan, another of her grandmothers
hand me downs, around her
and starts to gently rock back and forth
  staring
into the dreary winter vastness
letting her mind wonder
to simpler times
carefree, uninhibited, happy
   young
no, she thinks, this is not what i had planned
when did it slip from me
when did my dreams dissipate
how can i have let them go so easily
   unknowingly
with a sigh she knows she must accept
her fate
because somehow,
somewhere
she became lost
and she gave up on her dreams
so now, aging,
feeling a slight comfort
being amongst her grandmothers things
she sits
   unsettled
but accepting
accepting the hand she has dealt herself
so many years ago.

there was a dog
with a brown spot
in the middle of it's forehead
he played with a red ball
that bounced
and skidded
through the grass
of our great, big backyard
he would run and run
and run and run
then he would stop
panting
and drop the ball
at my feet
waiting
anticipating
for me to toss the ball
once again
so he could run
and run and run
all throughout
our great, big backyard

ah, to have the simplest of things
bring such utter happiness
that is what i wish for.

stopping mid walk
and glancing up at the sky
i wonder
where does this all lead
   to keep pushing on
struggling to get through the days
and not seeing advancement
is disheartening
i cry to the sky
   the universe
to show me something
give me hope
   a reason
to keep moving forward
the loss of friends
   family
   myself
makes this day drearier
than the day before
it all seems so senseless
   ignorant even
to keep going
going and going
continuing the mundane
for nothing

somewhere, somehow
at sometime
there has to be a light
there has to be a reason
to continue this struggle

to blame
to not claim responsibility
   is a cowardly act
to hide behind a lie
   is the undermost form
to witness
an undeserved punishment
while slinking back
into the dark
   is reprehensible
a betrayal of character
to defect for personal gain
   there's nothing lower.

when word gets out
that you're going though difficult times
people circle around you like vultures
waiting to feast
on something dying

i plan on drinking bubbly
becoming bubbly
while floating on the bubbles
making me giggly
with giggles
brought on
by the bubbly

happy new year #2!

boisterous people
blowing horns
twisting noisemakers
wearing glittery hats
and shiny beads
drinking champagne with bubbles
giving a shout of

'HAPPY NEW YEAR!'

*good bye
and good riddance
2014