seeing you
so uncomfortable
didn't give me pleasure
it made me sad
to see you so unhappy
weird, isn't it
i thought i would find comfort
in your pain
but i don't
you don't deserve it
you don't deserve that
why did you settle
you settled for that
but you couldn't settle for me
i don't get it.

i am holding on
so tightly
to what
i haven't decided yet
just holding on
gives purpose
a reason
something to show
to the other
holders on
see?
i'm like you
i can hold on too
just to be
like you

aren't we all pathetic?

there's love
   there's hate
there's the mixture of the two
spending time
with these people
i wonder
do they know the difference?
are they holding onto something
   imagined?
     yearned for?
do they picture
the idea of perfection
and decide
YES
it is him
   or her
this is what i've been looking for
   but if not
i will take it
   whatever
whomever it is
for whatever
   whomever it is
is better than nothing

how sad.

the wanting of something
   that one thing
that captures my soul
becoming obsessive
in my desire for it

constantly searching

desperate need
   to have it
consuming all thoughts
taking over all feelings
   blinded
     numb
       frantic
trying to escape
the nagging
            annoying
    pull
of this one thing
hollowed by a hunger that won't be satisfied
psychotic with the preoccupation
of finding it

but frightened by the thought
of actually acquiring it.

*am i insane?

wind blown
   and angry
disappointed
   and rude
cold
   and wet
waiting for the bus
   late of course
   cursing the sky
which responds
by batting my face
with more snow
grey skies
   annoying people

and you

the necessary heat
   that melts my heart.

at long last
he sings a song for me
sweet
   gentle
     caressing
i watch and i am enraptured
   by the melody
each strum of the guitar strings
   quicken my heart a beat
every note he sings
feels like soft breath against my neck
   making me woozy

he glances up, catches my eye
   and winks

i am doomed.

winter
why so serious?

i'll give you something simple
like a feathered kiss
upon your cheek

hold onto it

to take out
whenever you want to feel
loved.

all it took
was one look
   and i was yours

the years
   so many
blur into one

a solid sadness
grips my heart

but a smile
taps my soul
   for i did love you

yes, i did love you.

interfused rhymes
   that flow easily on paper
mingled words
   that make the heart melt
smooth verses
   capturing a story
people falling in love
   people falling out of love
sickness
   joy
hatred
   admiration
lies
   truth
angst
   calmness

feelings

all blended together
to produce the perfect
composition

a poem.

i'm blown away
by the smoke seeping from your eyes
smoldering
is the word i think
when i look deep into you
dark
   shaded
     obscure
alone
but never lonely
   not you
you've reached
   but are unreachable
the distance between
   is perfectly measured
enough to keep
   but not be kept
gliding through life
   vaporous
encircling in a sensual embrace
   then dissipating
at the slightest touch.

take my hand when i offer it
and follow me into my dream
   teach me what you know
guide me until i am cascading
   down a poetic rainbow
fill me with flowery words
that come to full bloom
   when pen touches paper
help me turn this underdeveloped lump of grey matter
into a kaleidoscope of verses
that boggle the mind.

a need satisfied
that's bittersweet

filling the temptation
of overindulgent lust
with obscene touches
and sinful scrutiny

two strangers
are brought together
by a common desire for
    intimacy
         gratification

a need satisfied
that's bittersweet

I’m gonna bend and stretch you
to fit my idea of
     **t
I’m gonna erase,  then add words
   so you say what I want to hear
i'll spray you with fragrance
   comb your hair just so
   zip up the perfect pair of jeans
and nod approval at what I see
you'll laugh at my jokes
   and cry when i say so
you'll **** me when i want it
   and leave me alone when i don't
and when i'm finished
I’ll stuff you in a box marked
    RETURN
*item damaged.

floating on the essence
of your last words to me
holding on for dear life
to the lifesaver
that were your promises
hitting the bumps
of your lies
unable to breathe
drowning
in the confusion of your commitment
seeing you for the first time
when surfacing
and realizing you were not my hero

i have saved myself.

...smile for me
just one more time
leave me with an everlasting memory
of true love

a sadness that overwhelms
    consumes
    engulfs you
       with intense suffocation
breath that emerges
in broken gasps
followed by a rainfall
      of unceasing tears
sleepless nights
eat-less days
   bleary eyed bewilderment
head squeezed vice like
with melancholy thoughts of what was
                  and of what can no longer be


heartbreak.

sitting on the edge
watching the waves crash the shore
below me,
feeling the light mist
caressing my face,
   i close my eyes in the comfort of it all
and i'm gradually brought to peace
   a laid back acceptance
of all that embraces me in my life
i feel assurance in the choices i have made
and a positiveness in the direction i am headed
it takes the simple form of natures majestic beauty
to help me realize...
   that life is good
and that my life, although chaotic at times,
is beautiful.

i love the look of
a hard working man
   the sweat
    the grit
     the dirt
are a complete and total
   turn on
no shower is necessary
babe
just bring your filthy *** over here
and gimme some.

you make me smile
and that's all that matters
   for now
however long it lasts
isn't important
i'm not going to think about it
i'm just going to enjoy
what you are giving me
at this moment
and that is
   you make me smile.

i'm looking up at you
with tired eyes
silently begging you to

shut
     up

quit talking

take your arrogance
stuff it into that fake leather briefcase you carry
and hit it
   the road that is
bounce
   walk
     take a hike
and take your nonsensical words with you
your college bred
   egotistical
     masochistic
      *******

you have taught me

n o t h i n g

you obviously love the sound of your own voice
but to me
it's like the last swipe of the razor
cutting off my lifeline.

i want a refund.

sitting in a room
full of people
yet i've never felt so all alone.

standing at the corner
begging
for a handout
you'll take anything
or so you say
   coins
    coupons
     dollars
       a cup of coffee
  something
anything
to help you get through the day
so i gave you an ad
    a help wanted ad
and you looked at me bewildered
as if to ask
why?
what will i do with this?
   cram it up your ***
is what i thought
   use it for all it's worth
is what i hoped.

you came to me
   again
just like i've dreamed
but i was stunted
   stopped
for i knew it was wrong
for me to welcome you
   so i didn't
and now i'm left wondering
if i did the right thing.

love
so small a word
so heavy a burden

   give me love
     i want to love

what is this word
           *love
that possesses so many hearts
     that so many ears are longing to hear
     so many arms
                            aching to hold
so many voids
                        waiting to be filled

one word
   one feeling
but the deepest of emotions

people **** for it
beg for it
long for it
loose all common sense for it
   abandon all decency
just to have a taste of it
to hold onto one small fragment of
                     love

an all consuming word
a word that
   once given
can open universal doorways
but once taken away
can deflate
the strongest of the strong.

focused on the ceiling
while lying in bed
crazy thoughts
fill my head

do i feel right
were my intentions true
or were my reasons selfish
when it comes to you

do i ignore the nagging
in my brain
that things ain't kosher
and i'm to blame

i've lied, i've cheated
with no remorse
just to be with you
which made it ok, of course

but now my thoughts are cloudy
i'm questioning my actions
was it worth all that
for a little satisfaction

'cuz now you're gone
probably forever
so all that impropriety
was for nothing...

whatever.

stared at
probed
bended
stretched
erased
added to
flipped
extended
squeezed tight

that's how i feel
in the presence of a new love interest

following dreams
living the dream
it's all a dream
dream state
dreamy

wake up

there are no dreams
only reality
and the reality is
you're living a nightmare
trying to live up to
your dreams.

*if your mind can dream it
your body can live it

you must pull yourself up
from the depths of despair
   grab onto tar like walls
that make your grip unsteady
and force your way past
   and up
the slippery facade
of dark skepticism
and worry
slowly make your way
towards the point of brightness
above you
if you falter
   **start again
don't give up
   don't give in
and in time
   with determination
and a strong desire
you will reach
the illuminous expanse
of peace
   harmony
and self love.

removing my head
i toss it back and forth
from hand to hand
spinning it easily
   on one finger
doing a loop de loop
   under one leg
   through the other
settling on dribbling it
along the floor
before tossing it to you
which you catch and drop kick
into the nearest wastebasket.

once again
you win.

i like it that he keeps my mind
   occupied
i like it that he's here
   for now
i like the plans
i dig the compliments
i can't wait for the touch
but there's something nagging at me
   pulling my mind into the realization
that this may just be
another huge disappointment.

i have a mixture of ingredients
in my head
which need to be blended together
to form one nice, big, tasty
exclamation
of pure bliss!!!!

to write
is like a jolt of adrenaline
shocking me into the realization
that i am here
for a reason

to write.

i talk a lot
i know that
one word answers
turn into lifetime stories
i am constantly explaining myself
   my actions
why i do what i do
why i think the way i think
i over analyze
   under estimate
don't take credit for
   but give credit to
speculate
   insist upon

and question

questions demand answers
and some answers require more questions
which present answers that just don't cut it
for me
so...

yes, i talk a lot
i know that.

taking a breath
i inhale the ending of another day
thinking i've accomplished a lot
assuming i've shown love where needed
i still feel
           unfulfilled

this unsettling in me
is waring

i've grown bored with
   self medication

i've become unscathed
by the obvious reaching out
   from others

there's still too much hurt
not only my soul
but the soul of so many living beings

   too much hatred
    too much cruelty
the unending suffering
   is exhausting

i accept i am not a savior
i get i haven't the power
to rescue all
   but give me some hope
   show me some progression
                  of goodness
offer me that the majority
   are kind

do that
and the passing of days won't seem so dire

do that
and i'll gain the strength
   to continue on
facing another day
with the promise
of a better tomorrow.

my heart is mutilated
by self pity
squeezing the life out of me
with every breath
breath in
               breath out
in
    out
in...

letting it out
s
  l
   o
    w
     l
      y

i am rooted
                   for a second

but that's a start.

the days move too quickly
like the warped image
of souls on a roller coaster

there's no difference
between sunshine
and rain
for the heart of the day
is the same
        suffocating

an intense feeling of unease

i'm waiting for the precise moment
to reach out
and bring someone in
because i know that's what's expected
that's what's needed to project
normalcy

oh, how i wish i could cry out
to them all
that
i am not
normal
i am not
ok

but i can't

not now

not until the reckless rotating of the days
slows down a bit.

you struggle too much
for me to accept
that you are happy.

right now
at this time o'clock
i would offer myself to you
no strings attached

all you have to do
is ask.

i stand above you
watching you struggle
desperately trying to get a grip
grabbing at earth
that crumbles away
   from your grasp
the more you try
the more you are obviously
losing
for it is too late
   for you
i am, for once
on solid ground
it took your falling
to get me here
i can't help you
not that i would
if i could
for your sinking
into the depths
of blackness
is what brought me
to the light of being
my salvation
is your purgatory
                  so be it.

blissfully
gliding along on a wave of listless thoughts
   smiling
lazily dabbing my fingertips
into the sea that's my mind

   suddenly
heedless thoughts of you
appear fractured in my head

i am rapidly caught up in a whirlpool
of indecisiveness
   chaos
     and dismay
to be eventually ****** down the drain
of total insanity

am i admiring
or envying

do i wish it were me
instead of you

are you special
because you're happy

are you more deserved
than me
than the rest of us
lonely hearts

have you found
because you've searched
or were you found
by someone searching

i'm in limbo
   i think

i am neither lost
nor do i want to be found

i'm not searching
but will i find
if i look

why you and not me?

thinking of something perfect
i think of you
   and you
     and you
       and you
and.....

hmmm

i guess i haven't experienced total form of perfection
...yet.

...a thank you to all who helped me attain 70 followers. i glow with both the anticipation of reading and writing great poetry and i am honored to be a part of this community of great artists in every sense of the word.
i am humbled, thank you.
susan

if i slip on a banana peel
will you be the one to catch me before i fall
or the one eating the banana and laughing?

the wind blows grey clouds
past my window
blocking my view
                     of you
by the time they disperse
all that's left
are footprints in the mud
and a wisp of smoke
from where you were standing

my eyes told me you were real
but my mind questions this

but all i have as proof
is a muddy footprint
                  and smoke up my ***.

such a shame.

your soul
comforts me into believing
that i have finally
come home.

i notice you at a distance
and i trace your outline with my eyes
i like the provocative roughness
unkempt but hip

i notice
the wisp of your hair
at the collar
and the slight scrunch
of your jeans
at your boot

you have an easy way of walking
scuffing just a bit
your movements are nonchalant
casual
         confidant

my mind starts to wander
and i imagine you walking towards me
   in that casual way
giving me a crooked smile
and having your hair hang
   just a bit
as you bend towards me for a kiss

i smile with thoughts of
   what if
until you disappear around the corner
and i've lost you

for now.

...but i'll find you again
because i've filed you
into the fantastical part of my mind

under 'P'
    for *Perfection

standing at the top of the ridge
i am looking down
into the crashing waves
wondering if they would hurt me
                              were i to fall
the grass is green up here
     mossy
and soft as puppies fur
i curl my toes into it
and open my arms wide to the sky
   "i am alive!"
i shout
for every natural thing to hear
   poppies bow their heads
   in understanding
and the clouds take my words away
   to spread with the rainfall
   in some distant land
     not too far from my mind
always within reach
for times when i'm feeling...
                                        not...just...r­ight
then that rain will wash over me
covering me with the pure reality
   that yes, i am here
     i am alive
    and i am blessed.

as of late
my time of contentment
is becoming less and less
i am filled with a grey unease
and bewilderment
that confuses me
my voice of reason
my thoughts of solidness
are there
but unreachable
i need to become grounded
but the strength i have felt in the past
is becoming weakened daily

oh so sad this day became
when realizing
i am losing control.