you ******* away
with your silliness
your laughter
tickles me
makes me forget what i was mad about

i hate when you do that

hey
when you walk past me
pull my chain
see if i react
if i do
that means you have touched me
not in a good way, mind you
but you have definitely touched me

if you try to kick me when i'm down
i'm liable to reach out a hand
and pull your leg out from under you.

don't **** with me when i'm vulnerable

my eyes borrow time from my brain
so they could stay open just a bit longer
to see the things
my hands have to create
on screen
which staring at makes my eyes weaker
forcing them to call on the brain
for help
...once again

if only this cycle would stop
with sleep.

flowing through life
letting cloudy thoughts
take me
     wherever
meeting whomever
and consenting to being unsatisfied
and unfulfilled
living among the unimaginative
in a world crammed with people

and still feeling
very much alone.

you brought her down
with a word
     and a stare
and with that
you twisted her tortured heart
into black silence
destroying any chance she ever had
of feeling loved

a succession in pain
administered by a coward.

i want to shake thoughts of you
like dust from a rug
to follow the breeze
and dissipate
into the sunny air
away from my space
but maybe polluting
another's

i want to be creative
in what i do
always
the way i talk
   the way i write
         draw
              think
        exist
creativity lives in me
but sometimes
   sometimes
i push too tightly
to keep the door closed
and then i am lost
so why
   why
do i suppress it?

after all this time
you would think
i would know
how to free myself

in the concrete jungle
only an artist
will find beauty
in rainwater flowing from a drainpipe
onto the cracked sidewalk.

in my dream i am falling
my arms are desperately trying
to grab onto something
   anything
to help stop the descent
but i am in a free fall
twisting and turning
towards earth
riding vaporous clouds
that feed the plunge
with brisk tail winds

sensing the ground rushing towards me
i become calm
and allow myself to be taken
accepting what awaits me

awakening with a jolt
i realize the dream
and i am filled with a small sense of
sadness.

my heart has been touched
many a time
but my soul
   ah, my soul
that
remains virginal.

sometimes i look at myself
and don't recognize who i see
i want so desperately to be something
                   i am not
i try in vain to become that person
                    i admire
i try hard to be good
kind
honest
loving
but those feelings are lost on me
i am filled with so much anger
dislike
unease
and then guilt
it becomes unbearable
my insides boil when the blackness
of these feelings overwhelm me
i become a stranger to myself
and i am filled with loathing
against my weakness.

phrases so easily written
hopeful thoughts put on paper
temporarily convincing my mind
   on what is to be true
but soon after closing down the page
my actions do speak louder
than my words

and that is not a good thing.

rolling thunder
   acid rain
sick slick namesakes
given to unappreciative
   props
put into places
to fill our lives
with agony
until we figure out
how to go about
without the help
of the unwanted
   the unneeded
and the unnecessary.

forced love
isn't love
giving what you got
and not getting back
throws the answer in your face
you cannot make it happen
you cannot prove them wrong
they know
just as you know
what is
and what isn't
you need to accept that
you need to move past that
let it be
calm yourself
because
where there is one
there is another.

riding roadways
  & railways
    walking trails
     & byways
searching for the answer to our unhappiness
when all we really have to do
is look into the utter depths
of our souls
and realizing
that the only road we had to follow
is the road that led us home

for when your heart feels comfort
your heart embraces love

and love
well
    love
equals happiness

i find myself climbing a ladder of sorts
up and up and up
unending
            steps
constantly moving
but going
   nowhere

why am i put on this ladder
is it the ladder of life?
   death?
or is it just an imagined thing
i have chosen to prove
   i am poetic?
because poetry always consists of a struggle
a struggle of life
   of wanting
     of being
       of belonging

which i am none of the above

i've given up wanting
my being is already established
   belonging?
i don't need to belong
actually
i loathe to belong
to anything
or anyone

so... why do i picture a ladder?
symbolic of an upward climb?
when all i want is to be grounded?
which i figure i AM
but maybe i am
                 NOT
o' befuddled mind of mine
what are you trying to tell me?
why must i climb this ladder
which undoubtedly offers a future to me
of vast openness and unending happiness?
when what i want
is assumedly right here with me now?

which leads me to question
should i question my vision
or accept it
as a vision of rightfulness
which stands to be unquestionably
true?

...sleep
why have you abandoned me
when i need you most?
i beg for you now
or i will crave you even more
tomorrow
please come to me
  hold me
   comfort me

do this for me tonight
and i promise i will leave you alone
tomorrow.

melancholic and dreary
smokey and dark
these are feelings
that project from my heart

it may not be roses
sunshine and daisies
but gloom is what i feel today
tomorrow it may be silly boys
and crazies

please honor my feelings
if they bring you down
don't waiver
for if you end up turning the page on me
you might be doing us both
a favor.

i've spent a year without you
but the wound is as fresh
as the day you left me

i thought photos of you
would comfort me
but they only prove to be
bittersweet reminders
of what i once had
what i could have protected

but your green eyes do say something
to me
and i find myself lost in them
hoping to find
forgiveness

will i ever not hurt?
can i, in time, forgive myself?

this burden is so heavy
my heart is laden
with the guilt of not saving
   the one thing that trusted me
loved me unconditionally

i will continue to beg for your forgiveness
which will only come
when i can forgive myself.

are you the one sent
   a new one
this one is special
    this one is different
will you woo me until i fall unabashedly
unadulterated, and unbiasedly
in love with you?
only to toss me to the curb
when i no longer amuse you?
and then will my pain
bring you pleasure
a pleasure that will expand,
even further,
your side splitting, bloated ego?

i've given in to better
   i've been left by the best
you are one of many
that i can tuck into the pocketbook of my heart
to bring out and look at
when my soul need a little bruising.

a black soul is not evil
it's a pretense
of a pulsing heart
waiting to be exposed.

i've hoped
   i've lied
     i've been made a clown
just to seem happy
happiness does not come easy
   for me
i'm more comfortable in sadness
sadness i understand
sadness i cradle
hold close to my *****
cherish

i'll continue to project cheeriness
i'll continue to laugh
i'll continue to exclaim to the world
I ...AM...HAPPY!
just to be able to retire
   unaccompanied
in the dismal comfort
of aloneness.

i've chosen to eliminate the color
that surrounds me
i want my world to be grey
   for now

   solitude

an encircling of woe
that reaches deep inside of me
embracing my heart with black fingers
and squeezing
    squeezing
deflating me
leaving me with nothing to feel
   nowhere safe to hide
enraptured in the uncomfortableness
of my own mind and body
my only choice is to give into my despair
and wait
wait
for the eventual brightness

outside the window
   life goes on
birds fret about
people are rushing to appointments
there's laughter
there's comical banter
there's serious discussion
being on the inside
looking out
brings me an even deeper sorrow
makes me question why i chose isolation
if isolation causes me so much pain.

dreams
with no intention of fulfilling
   wishes
with no desire to make true
   clouded expectations
   false promises
   believing in fantastical thoughts
that provide shattered hope
   lying to yourself
offering a temporary salve
that gets you through another day

that is a very sad existence
   indeed.

walking through the park
people watching
eyeing the entertainment
a clown twisting balloons
into obscure shapes
and telling people
'it's a dog'
or
'it's a monkey'
and those same people
grinning enthusiastically and exclaiming
'it is, it is!!!'
while walking away
pulling junior by his arm
scolding
'hurry up'
the balloon lasts 5 minutes
usually less
before junior
trying to choke the 'doggie'
busts the balloons...

...and then we're left with
a screaming
      crying
        toddler
       great

i turn my attention to the pond
ducks, geese, a swan or two (i think)
moving gracefully
on the water
until one duck
smaller than the rest
starts quacking anxiously
obviously distressed
and i turn to see it caught up in a tangle of discarded
fishing twine
his terror obviously alarming the others
and then there's a spectacle
of quaking, splashing birds and people
while a few good hearted samaritans rush to
save the duck
eventually a beat cop arrives
shooing people away
while saving the day using his handy
sport knife to cut away the twine and set the bird free
taking a small bow to the crowd of people cheering

moving along
i come to a street vendor
selling ice cones, pop, cotton candy and popcorn
so i stop for a small ice cone
blue
treating myself
walking along
enjoying the scene
i notice a few kids laughing and pointing
i shrug it off until a kindhearted old lady
offers
'your face is blue, dear'
taking out my compact mirror
i do see that my face is indeed blue
   the ice cone
which i unceremoniously dump into the next waste bin
trying in vane to scrub the blue off of my face
with a slowly shredding napkin
i take the path to the nearest exit
out of the park

so much for a relaxing stroll in the park
on a beautiful spring day.

there's this
there's that
and of course, the other thing
so...
      give me this
and that
plus the other thing
then
and only then
will i sit back contented
and happy.

you crash into me
filling my body with yours
trying desperately to reach the highest of highs
while holding onto the need to stay grounded
and in control
           but losing it all in the end

collapsing

and satisfied.

i see colors of
blue
    gold
      black
          white
and red
flashing through my brain
vaulting against my head
a thunder of pain
searing
kneading it's fingers throughout my skull
   squeezing
until i am numb
and fall face down on my bed
exhausted
   spent
this mirage of agony
   over in hours
but wearing me out
for days.

i open the window wide
and breath in the foul air
expulsing a ***** cough
what a mistake i made
thinking that an open window
would offer me a sense of
purity.

i like having you around
   you always have my back
i could steal
   beat
    pillage
     ****
and ******
and i know you'll always be there for me
you're my muse
   my confidant
     my partner in crime
you build me up
push me
with your skewed ideas of nirvana
but i follow
because you know what's right for me
and you will protect me...always
for you are my alter ego
you are the warrior that has captured my mind

       insanity

living in your darkness
gives me an escape
helps me reach my true desires
for i'll always have you
to defend me

my friend.

waking up slowly
hoping upon hope
praying
that the need isn't there
but opening your eyes
you realize it is
and for a split second you are disheartened...
...until you reach for the bottle
        and take a long swig
feeling the warmth encircle you
as excitedly as a lovers embrace
soaking your soul
and feeding your blood
with an intensity that is comparable to
   nothing
you are spellbound
   vulnerable
you feel an imagined strength
the power to do all
   be all
     see all
overcoming everything
   and anything
you are spellbound
blinded by a false sureness
thinking you are strong
not realizing how weak you really are
what a slave you've become
for that bottle has become your lifeline
a temporary paramedic
that keeps you afloat
not knowing that without it
you will no longer
be.

she would allow herself
one teardrop
for her broken heart
one
she would store it in a vial
worn around her neck
and when people would ask
what it was
she would reply
*the hangover of my broken heart.

standing in front of the mirror
she begins to design
blood red around the mouth
dark, dark smears of black for her eyes
spider like lashes
piercings filled with baubles
of all shapes, sizes and colors
bluish black hair ratted
spiked
hardened
and lacquered
chalk blue and turquoise added to the tips
black silky tunic over black ripped leggings
battered black boots
laced up and over the knee
chains
belts
thorny bracelets
silver rings on most fingers
her favorite being a thick skull with eyes of red ruby
and last, but definitely not least,
worn to just the right softness,
a black leather motorcycle jacket
unzipped
checking herself in the mirror
she lights a marlboro and nods
satisfied
maiden of the night
party girl
hipster
punk
cool
confident

this girl's got it
many girl's want it

me?

i admire it.

i desperately willed you
to look my way
just a glance
i thought
for i was sure
        positive
that if you got a good look at me
you would be mine.

when he took her
he looked down
and dropped her gently
a small amount of blood
touched his fingertips
which he glanced at
indifferently
before walking away
he glanced back
and wished silently
"you should've said yes"
now her soul soaks his
her being no longer
but he remains unemotional
   uninterested
he is who he is
because if she would've said
   yes
things might have been different.

******* away
   with a look
and liquify me
  with words

now that's
hot.

i don't want to be bothered
      by mediocre
show me weird
        and we'll talk.

i've drawn an imaginary circle
                               around me
daring all to cross the line
and after crossing
                       daring again
to try and make me like you.

i'm pushing and pushing
hoping that eventually
you, and all like you
will take the plunge
and leave me be.

i get sick of the pathetic outpouring of
undying love
the pitiful begging
to someone
who doesn't give a ****
how can rejection
reduce a once self-possessed
                    someone
into
a spineless, slithering, mindless
                     coward
whose obvious outcome
is of being smeared
on the pavement of love.

these people
the people i observe
sometimes stare at
   in disbelief
going through the motions
trying to do what's expected
not daring to cross that line
just doing
   acting
     behaving as
because that's what's expected
                                    of them
i think it's pathetic
   sad
     weak

me
i cross lines
   behave badly
     make enemies
stand isolated
   but solid
in what i believe
   friends?
i have enough
   enemies?
probably too many
   sleepless nights?
definitely too many
and yes
i get lonely
   yes
i get scared
   yes
i question myself
   always
but i won't settle
i won't disengage myself
                       from myself
to be one of
them
to be accepted
by the whole of

this is me
this is what i am
and i'm not afraid to show it
i'm not afraid to shove it into someone's face

i won't perform
just to show
i can fit in
just to show
i am normal

        no
i'll continue to be disliked
i'll continue to be shunned
because exceptional
is way better
than conventional.

your breath
on the back of my neck
lights the wick of my heart
which melts the rest of me
   into a gooey mess.

lazy and listless
frumpy and bumpy
   and tired
it takes my all to slip on a pair of jeans
   depressed?
i don't think so
uninterested...more like it
    unimpressed
      bored
         and tired
sleepy tired
tired of the monotony of things
   tired of the same old faces
and the same old voices
talking about the same old ****

UGH!

*"...there must be some kind of way out of here..."

do you want my coat, lady
would you like my shoes, mister
can i buy you a cup of hot coffee
    laced with bourbon, of course
actually
then you wouldn't need my coat
   or my shoes
for the warmth of the *****
will keep you comfy cozy
   and lost
in the hazy familiar
of an alcoholic mind
   you call home.

strolling
through my mind
seeing the nothingness
  wondering where all my thoughts are
poking the grey
urging a response

   nothing

a mindless walk
lost in a vast void
   of emptiness.

she lies on the roof
clothed only in a thin, soft, robe
made of the finest silk
   colored baby blue
the ends flutter smoothly
in the slight breeze
like wisps of grey-blue smoke
from a European cigarette
she's gazing at the stars
choosing the exact one
she wants to float to
the brightest one, of course
the one filled with the most hope
she closes her eyes
and dreams of him
waiting for her, at the edge of her star
with arms extended
   beckoning
she can see his heart beating furiously
in his chest
he calls to her
with eyes filled with desire
she twists slowly in the night sky
the silks of her robe
flowing softly behind her
   loose on her arms
until it falls away breezily
she dances towards him in her nakedness
   laughing
and reaching out
their fingers barely touching

she looks up and see's the look of panic
in his eyes
and she cries
NO!
as her dream breaks up in an explosion
of silver and black

and she is alone
   again
on the roof
... without her robe
and in her hand
                   a small silver star.

a baby
  so sweet
   so perfect
brings forth love
that's indescribable
the years
pass so quickly
not so perfectly
but the love never quits
it grows bigger
   stronger
then ever imagined
little boy
capturing my soul
since a seedling
my arms will always hold you
my heart beats with yours
i will always only be a skip away
the purest love ever felt
between a mother and a son.

if i don't wake up tomorrow
   i'm cool with that
i'll accept my fate
i know i've tried my best
for me
   for you
but you'll miss me
   i know
i don't think you can handle me
   not being around
and i can't do that to you
i've got too much to show you yet
too much to teach you
when you show me you're okay without me
   then
and only then
will i move on
so, i guess
   no
i'm not okay with not waking up
i will wake up
and i will continue to show you
how not to live your life
by continuing to live mine
exactly the way i have been.