the delusion starts
with the first gasp
of breath
being lead
with promises
false hopes
distorted possibilities
of a good
life
initiated love
sometimes ends
sometimes grows
into resentment
hatred
and the balloon
of life
pops
pieces
fall to the ground
being swept away
by the breath
of mere
existence
struggling
trying
so hard
to start over
looking
yearning
needing
    that first breath
to start clean
untouched
unbiased
unaware
but filled
with endless possibilities
of good
with the mind of an
innocent
who not knows
of bad

yet.

lovely thoughts
fill my head
swarming
bumping
swaying
then settling
lying in wait
for the chance
to be
bellowed
exclaimed
and barked
at just the right
person
at just the right
moment.

sitting
contemplating
considering
what is
that what
that's in front of me
just doesn't jive
i want more
i deserve more
i've been promised
more
by me
as the years pass
i see my dreams
slipping away
following the unending
current of time
glancing back
with a wink
and a dejected nod
suggesting
time's up
how long
can a clouded soul
   a disappointed heart
continue to thrive
when all that's placed
in front of it
is more sorrow?

alone in an atmosphere
of
what if's
maybe's
and
could've beens
i don't belong here
what wrong turn
have i taken
when did my
smarts
betray me
why did i settle
for less
than what
i know
i am worth
the losers
the degenerates
the downtroddens
embrace me
for being
the same
and i've reached the low
of low
the lowest
of lows
and still
i cannot
will not
accept
that i am accepted
into this familiar
of the unfamiliar
lifestyle.

the emotions
of the day
bounce
bounce
bounce
inside my head
leading me to make
conclusions
that are palpable
slippery
unable to hold
onto
the bizarre thoughts
that consume my head
do
not
make
sense
but to me
at the time
they do
allowing me
to self destruct
and enjoying
every
last
minute
of
it.

i look at you
and see the past
a past
so, so unenjoyable
hurtful
but you're here
now
and sincere
or the sincerest
i've ever known
which could be
a falsity
because
the you
that i'd thought i'd known
is
unknown
to me.

my mind wanders
when i'm lost
claiming answers
to offer closure
the falseness
i live by
burrows deep
until the unbelievable
becomes believable
the obscure
makes sense
and the me
that i have known
becomes
questionable.