If depression kills
I’ve died a hundred times
In my bed
Staring at the ceiling
In the shower
Each time water hits my skin

Every night
When I can’t sleep
At stop signs
One car should run me over

At my kitchen sink
Nobody will notice
If I left this mess

At parties
Wondering why everyone’s happy
Why am I even here

After all the highs
Will be a series of lows
The longest you’ve ever had
And the lowest you’ve ever been

I wanted to die
Planned it for weeks
I have to do it
But on the night
Of my death
I got lazy
And sleepy
All because of work
I couldn’t bring myself
To get up and do it
So i fell asleep
And wrote this the next morning

I’m just 3 years away
From being 3 decades old
Surprisingly, I feel at least nothing
For the first time since turning 18
Managed to keep my cheeks dry today
My head isn’t foggy
My heart doesn’t hurt
I’m far from being happy
But at least
I acknowledged turning
A year older
I don’t look forward to anything anymore
The sun rose today
And it will set
As it did yesterday
At the very least
I didn’t feel like a disappointment today
And somehow
People remembered me

I whispered through the night
Wishing things would end
Because if they aren’t
I don’t know where I’m heading

I wrote a letter
To my family
Friends and unknown lover
That if i disappear
I swear on my life
I am not dead
Maybe I just couldn’t
Find my way home
As i have never been
To one

I’m sorry
If my worries
Control me
I’m sorry
If my depression
Wins over me
I’m sorry
If you think
I’m an adult
And smart
But I ain’t that
I’m just 26
And anxious

I watched you fade
Into the sunset
Like how i used to
When I was three
When I didn’t know
What living and dying meant
No one explained to me
Because I didn’t ask either
I still think
The sunset is pretty
And nice people
Go in there
Til inevitable things happen
And I watched my grandfather
Vanished into the pretty sky
Of January 13
I wasn’t anymore three
And now i know what it means
To stop breathing
It isn’t a pretty phrase
And the feelings aren’t pretty either
The sunset came again
And i stopped caring

The flower will bloom
Wither and die
Without anyone noticing

How can you bring flowers
To someone’s grave
When you can’t even water
Your garden back home

Do i apologize
To everyone
I’ve hurt
For hurting me?

They told me to run
Run away from you
But I pretended
I didn’t hear
And ran away with you
I denied everything
Every single lie
That came out from your mouth
Continued to run away with you
Even farther
I should’ve known
you weren’t the one
When i saw you
having your tequila
In a coffee cup

This might not make sense
But I’m trying to tell a story
My story

Lately, I have been enjoying life
But in between my smiles
There’s this tiny voice
That reminds me of how sad i become
When i am alone
My thoughts eat me up

This still might not make sense
But as cliche as i sound
This is happening to me

What if i just disappeared
What if i just end all of these here
What if someone sees me lying on the floor
And my soul has already left me
What will people say

I am sad that this is how my life has turned out
I am sad that i keep getting sad
I am sad that even on my worst times
I still tend to seek for everyone’s approval

How far does this “i want this to end” go
How long do i have to ask myself
We’re going to make it right?

My bathroom mirror broke this morning
I wasn’t there when it fell
I just noticed the broken pieces when I opened the door

My broken mirror reminded me of all the bad things in my life
I stared at it
Contemplating on whether or not
I should do it
And i would get scared
Because everytime the thought crosses my mind
I would freeze
And i would get scared more
Because in this fraction of time
I cannot seem to control myself
What if i actually do it
I’ve imagined it a thousand times
I know i will regret it
When my soul is slowly crossing to the afterlife

If happiness is free
Then why do we
Have to give up things
So others can feel complete

Time
Loss
Grief
Pain
None of it
I’m afraid
Of being content
That i don’t know
What i want
Or if i still want more
If I don’t
I will happily stop breathing

My father can fix anything
But not my depression

The clouds of my past are raining on me
And it’s raining painful memories

I used to have fun talking to people
I enjoyed their stories
But suddenly
I felt distant
I’m not conversing anymore
I’m just merely answering queries
And i see this reflection standing beside me
Rolling her eyes
Saying
Come on, let’s get out of here
You’re not having fun anymore
Your anxiety is the one talking
And not your interest
When can I finally say
I am completely healed

how can the sunset be so beautiful
even when it means
the day is over
i hope i can be as beautiful as the sunset
when everything for me is over

I am angry all the time
God I am ******* angry
I think I’m going nuts
My head is going to explode
I get angry over small things
God I hate how I feel
I get anxious and sad
And then I’d get angry for feeling sad
I wish I could explain it to you
How I force myself to smile
How I fake my calm
I just want to be as pure as the sun

Depression is rain pouring so hard
Lightning and thunderstorms
Big waves and sinking boat
All at once inside of you
It can be sunny sometimes
But you’re trapped in a room
with no door and windows
Walls are hospital gray
With words spray painted
Only you can see

i continue to write sad poems
even though i don’t feel sad anymore
maybe it’s the comfort
maybe i have nothing else to write anymore

Maybe i should stop
Giving myself another year
I’ve been trying for three years
And thought i was getting better
I am getting worse
I could still hear death
There’s still no happiness
Perhaps I should end this
So I wouldn’t be stuck in this maze
I can’t win anyway

I still feel empty
One word and I’m back at it
I can’t cry anymore
I wanna scream at them
For not seeing through me
How many more years should I pretend
How many more years should i suffer
How many more years should i fake it
How many more years should i tell myself
Just one more year
Let’s end this here

All i can remember
From my teenage years
Is that i was always angry
I was angry for being alive
I was angry at this world
I was angry for no reason
I was angry at myself
I was angry because of my parents
I was angry for being stuck at my parents’ house
I was angry for wasting so much time being angry
I was just angry all the time
Nothing was memorable
Now I am angry for reaching this age
And not learning about life
I am angry for remembering
My teenage years

We tell our problems
To our closest, dearest friends
Til it becomes a habit
And it’s only you
Who can feel the sun on your face
It doesn’t rain anymore
And there’s no pain in your chest
When it’s your turn

We always believed
That the most painful words
Feelings and moments
Are cast away
When we share them
To our closest, dearest ones
Leaving them
In a dead end
Because we think
We deserve to be heard
But never the ones
To be the bearer
Of sad stories

You live in places
You thought you belong
You feel hope and joy
Then one day
You don’t feel it anymore
You don’t belong anywhere

In the past
You wished the sun never set
But now
Most days
You wish the sun would never rise

We cry on bathroom floors
Win arguments on the mirror
But when we step outside
We cannot even speak out
But our inside voices
Are screaming for help

I haven’t had a pen for so long
I’m trying to scribble
Words I cannot form
Feelings I cannot recognize
Faces I cannot remember
My mind is on a lockdown
Trust me I’m trying
I just can’t untangle the chain
That’s keeping me from
Making something
Out of nothing

We all are fighting
Invisible war
We don’t know who’s winning
But we all see everyone losing