Right now I'd rather turn around and walk away forever…make that RUN. It's much easier than facing the truth. I will do virtually anything to keep from feeling the searing pain that has manifested itself in my soul in both my past and present moment...and it has made me so very tired. And frankly I don’t know how to survive right now. I have nothing left...I lack the energy to even make it through the days. So I have been taking advantage of the copious amount of anti-anxiety drugs that Dr so graciously prescribed for me during times like these (aka: “crazy nita” times).

Every hand is a winner and every hand’s a loser…and I have come to the decision that the winning hand for me is to stay asleep as much as possible. I haven’t been feeling well physically –And the fact is that I have been plagued by nightmares when awake and asleep. Sunday morning I opened my eyes for the first time at 11:30am and not even a strong cup of coffee could keep me awake and functioning, so I saw the light for only a short time. Why fight it… isn’t that what the therapist would say? “Nita, listen to your body and if you need to sleep 22 hours out of the day, then  be okay  with that."  So I have been listening to this sluggish, disgusting, hurting body telling me to just take the drugs and go to sleep. And take enough of them to ensure we all stay asleep.  

The drugs do not prevent the nightmares but somehow make them more bearable, if that makes any sense at all. I still feel fear, still wake up in a cold sweat with my heart pounding, but right now it is still more tolerable than being awake.

I don’t think I have been this numb to the reality of life in a long time. I have been present and in my body and aware of my surroundings for about 10 minutes the entire weekend. I'm okay with that because in this body is the last place I want to be right now. I cannot seem to rid my brain of the infinite dark cloudiness in my head long enough to even muster any type of  cognitive ability.
I am tired…drained…unwell.

I wish I could talk about what has happened but I cannot.  So please forgive me if I check out for a while...I did not plan this…but it is what it is and I cannot change it right this minute.  I am discouraged, angry, frustrated, fearful, confused...and I cannot face any of that right now.  

And so I have a bedside table with the necessities to make it through the rest of this period: bottles of lorazapam, xanax and a bottle of water to wash them down with...and a bottle of wine and some *****...if need be.  I just want to be totally and completely 100% numb for now.  
What? Nita, I thought you were past that? Yeah, me too…but I was wrong.

Now the best I can hope for is to turn toward the window and hope that somewhere in the darkness, I, like the gambler, will break even… because I'm currently out of aces...

It's been so long since I've touched you
So long since i've felt the scratch of the stubble surrounding your lips
The kind that I always complain about
But deep down i think you know how much I adore

It seems like it's been an eternity since I've felt the softness of your skin
The way it streches over your bones so delicately
My fingers repeatedly outlining the indents of your back
Fitting my hands into the deepest curves

My lips have never felt so lonely
Missing the tickle from even the slightest and most gentle brush of yours against them
Forgetting that talking is their main function
Wishing that instead their only job was to love

My legs hang loosely and awkwardly without having yours to intertwine with
And arms rest on each side of my body feeling desperate for companionship

Hands locked into oneanother
So accustomed to holding
Naturally curling inward
Craving the rough callus of your palms


I did not know
That a body could feel nostalgia
But a need for touch proves otherwise.

so sweet and so dark
so dark, the flesh of hers so sweet
as dark and deep as the roots of the tree
which bear the nectarine

eyes that may possess
Lucifer and her demons
to come out and dance
'round the campfire
to the rhythms
of her fiery Soul's burning caress

yet so ****** her beauty is to those who yearn
as she does not tempt those who love to burn
only stand there, before them
and simply say hello
from the depths below
where her infinite fires bellow
where she wields a boundless yell
in her eternal conquering of Hell

her beauty could never be expressed by me
and anyone who dared would die, surely
within the attempt itself, in a waste of breath
vain they are, misplacing their pride in her beauty-
'til death

shadows of her dancing through the woods
run through my dreams and compell me to die
I can feel her aching within me as I fall in love
with the way she moves as she dances, oh I'd die
oh I'd die-

as she dances as if there is no one around
as if, she aches for anyones presence
as if she'd only seen their faces, act as masks
hiding their souls from this Earths greatest distances
and so-
she is a ghost
and so-
I die, if only to fly
flip a coin
pull a rose pedal
***** my finger
give birth to metal
rise up from the ground
and raise Hell
just to have
a great story to tell
so she may sleep
a little softer
in the breath of Soul
I have to offer

so, you see
she is too beautiful for me


the beat of the drum
will never cease to come
it will drum
it will come
it will drum
it will come

oh I will drum
and she will come

so you see
she is too beautiful for me

for someone needs to beat on that drum
someone needs to beat on that God ****** drum

and this rhythm, may as well be my own heartbeat
for I would die to continue watching her dancing feet

I know this sweet scent,
It comes from your timber hair,
This euphoria.

Two wings on her back,
Shredded by a devil,
Healing in safety.

Love is a harsh word,
It causes so much hatred,
Unbalanced feelings.

I once compared knights,
Walking among the armor,
Wings crushed by my fear.

This freedom so great,
Weightless as the air we breathe,
Never a soul like you.

A soul like that boy,
Impossible to amend,
He has no mind still.

A ghost parading,
Traversing with no good thoughts,
Only a black fire.

My levity; you,
A cherub, my shield,
I love you, Angel.

Right here, on this ground,
A war unseen, a retreat,
An open defense.

Unguarded, weakened,
I lay in this angel’s arms,
My only support.                                -Marshall Hiatt, February 2013

I would liken you
To a night without stars
Were it not for your eyes.
I would liken you
To a sleep without dreams
Were it not for your songs.