About my friend Andrew commiting suicide and the effects it had on me after.

Under                
The
Gun

Back bend
Bend back
Tear    crushed    rip

Under
The
Gun

Pressure building rising
mounting
rising higher
than ever before

I stood there alone wishing to be catapulted back into your stare
That 2 quarter sun
I stood on a snowy bridge hoping to be part of free light
Cutting shadows at right angles from tall buildings and mountains in various places between time zones

I stood frozen in winter storm staring down at your memory as if a leaf passed by me on the swift river current,

I stood gazing hard into that cold river water wishing to see past shadows

Wanting to penetrate illusions for one more chance to see your face laugh

Only You could see me, only You could feel me
Wanting to give up

Under
The
Gun
Under
The
Frozen
Tree

Her long branches sweeping the grass in 360 degrees
but still her protection could not save me

While I tried to fall asleep
Half dead by the thought of your death
7 degrees out
Back pressed hard into frozen pine needles,
Each one seemed to stab me with scattered puzzles
Of elusive memory I could hardly see
I lay there curled up as time brought your face to me in waves

And each piece of memory I could not stitch back together
With my mortal, clumsy hands

Under
The
Gun
Sweating bullets to find you as you were
Clean  clear   crisp
With music blasting from your room and us,
2 rebels trying to express that hard, undying rebellion swelling wide and contagious inside us.

It out grew the planet, soared into another galaxy and took over
Back bend
Bend back
Crushed
Tear
Rip
Under
The
Gun
Pressure building
Mounting
Rising
Climbing
Rising
Higher than ever before
Under
The
Gun
I lay there thinking how much I wanted to float away with that leaf that just went past me
Down the river to the sea
I lay there

Under
The
Gun

Remembering when our struggle to find beauty in our souls
Clashed like Iron swords against our own created demons,
When our own battle sent us into the underground
To find a voice of reason, to express our fiery rebellion into mics
That knew our rage.
Under
The
Gun
I lay there dreaming about that time in LA
When we were walking and you pretended to be crazy
“Watch This”      You said.  You put your hands on your head and took off, screaming to yourself,
Some kind of free rant screeching from the streets of the ******.
Your wild eyes piercing at the sidewalk
Your speedy gait so perfect while you plowed  past people as if you just escaped the loony bin.
Your black anarchy jacket patched with punk bands glowed under the decadent LA lights like exiled stars.
Everyone on Hollywood Boulevard ignored you, if I hadn’t known you I would have too.

You had me convinced you were just as insane as anyone else who I’ve seen do that.
You secretly became my hero in that moment.
You made me fall to my knees in laughter, the stars on the sidewalk sparkled, all my worries dissolved.

It was a gut wrenching bout with hilarity.
Needless to say hilarity kicked my ***
remnants of puzzles is all I have now
Every night I lay there dreaming, trying to see elusive pieces of memory floating far away at sea.

Under
The
Gun
I breathe
Waiting for a final bullet
To find me
Please   please   please
Send me to my friend
Floating            far away at sea…..

They will tell you that in order to be a man you must turn off your feelings and get icy cold.

They will bark insane orders at you that defy logic, common sense, or any kind of rational explanation.

I say

I will explore my feelings more
because they lead to a place where
whispers are born.

I will turn off TV for eleven years
and listen to what Earth and Heaven are saying.

I will investigate silence.

I will go back to the place I can't remember
and fill up with what is there so I can help spread Love across the face of this world.

When I found myself frozen in that **** Hole place,
wishing only for music
I drifted down to find quiet waters.

Leaves rustled
birds glided
Perfect Sun
broke through miles and miles
of stone cold grey.

Something wonderful still engaged with fire, roasted me within my lonely hut and my eyes wanted to finally see it.

I knew if I couldn't free her from my heart she would lay me down face first,

my blood all running out
she would wear an icy smirk
walking away dropping me off
from that abandoned ledge.

I knew I had to climb out of the bottle and go find that misunderstood Legend responsible for Every Magic
trick that saved my life from myself.

I knew I had to climb far.

Who knows how long it would take on a shadowy street
where Truth is a dangerous commodity in a world soaked with lies?

No matter

At least now
I could follow the music
Of my Soul
and wipe that ***** smirk
right off her cold cold face.

She waits in stone for you,
hears you chipping and cursing,
knows how your introverted eyes drip weather and war.

She tingles in anticipation, cheering you on inside her captive prison waiting for your hands to find her.

She is smiling at your frustrations, lending out silent encouragement for your chisel determined hands, flamingo inflamed with sunset; beckoning you from another place,  your steel will to understand how magic flows between you and her.

Intrigue drives a midnight blue Mustang leaping across canyon gaps that only tease with rain scented whisper.

Her voice is registered as proof she exists.

Any trace of violence only distances your chances on ever finding her golden form.

The jet black stone taunts you
it bleeds Egyptian sand from Cleopatra's hair, glitters in moon
like violet creatures who beg to be seen and appreciated by a Prince who wears the desert in his eyes and carries April orchards in his heart.

A Ripe golden harvester
who has the key but doesn't quite understand where the doors located at.

May be it's beneath a sky island oasis whose realm is always watching?

Maybe your hard breathing body is a open receiver for love's undeniable signal.

Your breath brings her closer.
Strung out heart beats sound to her a moving symphony.

Your helplessness and hopes
string a chord she's never known but is engaged by your digging ache to find her.

She drinks in the callous sweat of May, hears the voiceless, muffled cry struggling in strait jackets ******* in your heart.

She feels for the spotted leopard who left footprints in your heart glade, she wants to tame claws and paint your visions with the inspiration that's killing you softly as you try to unlock a door you can't see but only feel.

You may feel a slight brush on your fingers as you hang defeated in the disaster zone of prosecution's room wondering if perfect Hawaiian breezes will include your name in its sweep.

She may zap your will back to life with her warm bon fire hands around your ankles as she tries to pull you back from a dark ledge.

Her ladder defying time and space. Every rung of light is a hidden dimension she hides in.

Your heart quickens in the fierce fiery flash of attainment.

Your mind clicks off.
All focus becomes a rain fall river taking over roads.

You become flow.
Dance through anything.
Move 5 ton steel with thought.
Levitate despair over the candle of her sky.

Marble dust litters your arms.
Blood and obsession throb in the pulse of her creation.

You stare at her, gawking like a child at a unicorn flying over a double rainbow.

Her June smile becomes Hercules and lifts the continental divide from off your shoulders, drop the chisel, let it damage maple floor, who cares?

Here she is. alive and well.

The Marble Angel who speaks and knows your tears to find her were always cobblestones leading to her Palace.

leaking from cracks
I watch it bubble up

before form
has a chance
to root in,
or
twist the twilight

curiosity will spring down
her thoughts pool
  shift reflective

night skies seasoned with
ancient  stars
cut loose

shoot down
for a closer peek

she will streak
her statement-
    a flash of independence
   raiding enslavement.

A compassionate observer  circles the vast perimeter of damage and self punishment, he gets intrigued, settles closer, peers inside pools, sinks, learns to see anew, gets ***** by overwhelming body guards living inside her gates.

He floats up, a invisible helium balloon, wonders if she knows he was ever there.  

Next time

He will twist the twilight so she will know His love for her.

He will use the entire Universe to reach her.

eyes like a shore

see what you want to see

spirals hidden in sand
know our mystery

a translucent tide
crashes inside

unique
clean

something beyond understanding

shows itself

her eyes press tight
against the armor of her
protection

her pupils

no longer hiding the sea

Dying to reach
reaching since I remember

small hands toward grasshopper

in search for something
grander than what words can say.

Bigger than any thought.

A dynamic pulse between flesh and spirit.

Co-creation with a invisible magician.

Something mingling between dreams,

a tumbleweed racing through blue sand searching to speak with your lips.

A feeling wondering how to escape
prison.

Captive sunset waiting to reflect in
  still sea,

your hands reaching for paint but
  the ache of it stops you before
     fingers can clutch it.

Yellow lanes of rays drive beyond
   ordinary confines.

Deep blue heart
indigo soaked with promise
    submerge and reset.


     Rise and float
       weightless thorns
          lifted by pure sea.

  Merging silent

with a invisible brush
   no hands

    IT shows off
      paints your face with sacred
            perfection.

It levels you.

You elevate beyond all peaks.
     Immortality smiles without a
          face.

     Next level is engaged
       awe becomes an everyday river
          including you in it's priceless
             sweep.

All of a sudden you know exactly how to proceed.

Only up from here.

Don't erase me
My Shell shock shaking rattled blue into black.

No time wasted for one who knows that popular opinions are nothing more than a false headline.

Bury your head in books
hoping to raise mystery sails that push you somewhere only feeling can take you.

Beyond status quo.
Behind invisible lines.

Meet me there.
We'll grow a silent sun in a petal that got carved out by whoever tried to **** us.

An outside consultant to every world will speak board walk dreams in our ache and float us back to grace.

Don't erase me.

I am that word you've been seeking.

I am a cloaked mystery speaking quiet in a crowd of uproar.

I am echoes of a place you dream for.

I am that friend you still think about but you don't like to admit it.

I skim through dreams,
you wake up knowing you can fly.

Thunder left traces of yourself
behind dark clouds that confused you.

Determined to understand it
You burrowed through pages

Got ruined by lovers

turned bitter
threw fury back up at the sky

A tornado hunted you down
from your own mind.

Something spoke wonderful in a dream you had when you needed to hear that message you forgot.

I watched you come back
with New eyes

that completely
changed Everything.