The memories of ours flooded my head when I got the call.
That word "Heart attack" rang in my ears.
The fear that hit smothered me,
making it impossible to breathe.

I imagined you dead,
Thinking how can this be.
The fear killing me,
breaking me and putting me on my knee's.
Those salty tears blinded me
and I fought to breathe.

"He is alive" was said to me,
but death still rung in my ears.
I was trusted back in to my childhood,
A little girl depending on her Daddy.

And as I stare at you lying in the hospital bed,
Alive, breathing, blood in your heart.
I remember how much you mean to me.

It's amazing how a dream can influence feelings
A dam broken by a flood of them
A fleeting moment where your heart is clenched by an iron fist of exasperation
Tears become the mask you wear as you watch your heart being wretched out of your chest

The taste of hot heavy metal floods your throat as you bite your tongue
Because you're trying to keep from lying to yourself that you're "over it"
But God, it felt so real;
His arms wrapped around your body, squeezing.
Piercing eyes don't blink, when he is uttering I love you
Caught in between the realms of a dream or a reality
Torturing yourself with these exhilarating feelings
Grasping at all opportunities to feel good
But realizing you only feel good because of him
And you are trying to forget the fire from his burning kisses
That singed at your raw lips
You are screaming due to the electric shock pulsing at each point on your body touched by him
Trying to digest the raging adrenaline that is burning every single one of your veins
Praying to slip into a nirvana of ecstasy
You are caught in a whirl wind of what you thought was bliss
But then awoken by the erratic screams of your alarm
It was all just a dream.

Hannah Brown©

Remembering
Eyes gleaming           tears streaming
Cheeks rosy              due to so much anger
You kissing me         your lips tasted like cigarettes
Sparks flew               due to the cancer stick you just lit
I love you                  you love your drugs
             how will I ever win

Because I craved him when he was far,
I loathed him when his skin was inches from mine.

Because when his presence was absent I filled my head with dreams of him,
I thought of the danger he could do when his skin was inches from mine.

Because my heart beat started to race everytime I saw him and he didn't see me,
I remembered when he did see me when his skin was inches from mine.

Because I wanted to kiss him oh so badly,
I was repulsed just as his lips where close and when his skin was inches from mine.

Because I wanted him to ask me to be his girlfriend,
I started to cry as he looked in my eyes when his skin was inches from mine.

Because I didn't want to be scared of loving him any longer,
I ran away when his skin was inches from mine.

Hannah Marie ©

TO WATCH SOMEONE YOU LOVE CHEST RISING AND FALLING IN AN ANGRY MANNER WITH SO MUCH HATE
TO WATCH THEM TAKE ALL THEIR HURT OUT ON THEMSELVES TO TRY TO "PROVE SOMETHING"
TO WHO!? FOR YOU ARE ONLY THE DEVILS BAIT
MY LOVE, I TELL YOU ONCE MORE YOU ARE NOT NOTHING BUT RATHER EVERYTHING

I WATCH YOU TRAPPED IN THIS UNRULY CAGE OF ANGUISHING UNHAPPIENESS
I QUESTION WHETHER OR NOT WE ARE ALLOWED TO LIVE OR TO BE LIVED IN
BECAUSE SOME OF US CARRY SO MUCH SADNESS..
THAT WE LET SOMETHING ELSE LIVE INSIDE US SO DARK AND RUTHLESS, FOR THAT FELT LIKE A HEAVY SIN

DIDNT IT?
AS YOUR RIB CAGE IS WRETCHED OPEN BY THIS CREATURE
TRYING TO LIVE ON ITS OWN, YOU SHOVE IT BACK INSIDE YOU BECAUSE WITH OUT IT
YOU ARE NOTHING, SO YOU LET YOURSELF DOWN BECAUSE ITS ALL YOU CAN DO

YOU ONLY EVER KISS HIM WITH THE LIGHTS OFF. YOU RUN YOUR HANDS THROUGH YOUR HAIR; IT WAS CUT A FEW DAYS AGO AND YOU'RE NOT SURE IF YOU LIKE IT. YOU FEEL LIKE YOU'RE JUST KEEPING UP THE PRETENSE OF THE PERSON YOU USED TO BE. YOU'RE NOT SURE IF YOU'LL EVER FEEL LIKE HIM AGAIN.

HE, AS USUAL, LOVES YOU AND SOMETIMES YOU WANT TO RIP OFF HIS ******* CLOTHES AND TAKE HIM AND SOMETIMES YOU JUST WANT TO SCREAM AND RUN AWAY AND NEVER LOOK HIM IN THE EYES AGAIN (AND SOMETIMES YOU WANT TO RIP OFF YOUR ******* SKIN AND HOPE YOU NEVER BREATHE AGAIN). YOU NEVER TELL HIM THIS. YOU ADD IT TO THE PILE OF SECRETS. RINSE AND REPEAT;;;

AS THE DAYS GO BY THE BLUE EYES START MIXING WITH THE KIND OF REDNESS YOU CAN'T SCRUB AWAY. YOU TRY TO LAUGH BECAUSE YOU'RE LIKE HIM NOW (RED WHITE AND BLUE YOU'RE A ******* BANNER AND HE'S AN ICON). IT COMES OUT BROKEN. YOU DON'T TELL HIM WHY.

YOU STOP SMILING AND THE CIGARETTES PILE UP AND THE BOTTLES PILE UP AND THE SECRETS PILE UP. HE'S STOPPED LOOKING YOU IN THE EYES AND YOU'VE STOPPED PRETENDING NOT TO NOTICE. HE DRAGS YOU OUT OF BED AT TWO IN THE MORNING TO YELL AT YOU AND IT TAKES ALL THE ENERGY YOU CAN MUSTER TO LOOK AT HIM.

HE STOPS SMILING.

WHEN HE SAYS HE LOVES YOU HE DOESN'T MEAN IT. THIS IS OKAY; YOU HAVEN'T SAID IT BACK SINCE HE SAVED YOU. WHEN YOU SAY IT BACK ANYWAY YOU MEAN IT. HE LAUGHS AT YOU.

YOU TRY TO STOP BREATHING ONETWOTHREEFOUR TIMES. YOU STOP RETURNING HIS PHONE CALLS. YOU DON'T BELONG HERE THIS BODY HASN'T FELT LIKE YOURS IN SEVENTY YEARS BUT YOU STILL WISH YOU COULD CRAWL INSIDE YOUR OWN SKIN.

HE SHOWS UP AT YOUR HOUSE AT TWO IN THE MORNING AND ******* SCREAMS AT YOU. THIS IS THE MOST ALIVE YOU'VE FELT IN AN AGE. YOU TELL HIM THIS AND YOU LOOK AWAY WHEN HIS FACE CRUMPLES.

HE KISSES YOU WITH THE LIGHTS ON.