and the waves pulled back
and so the sand could finally breathe
and it filled itself with sweet drug-like air
and smiled at the sun
before it all returned
and the drowning began again

you think that i'm indifferent,
dancing with everyone here but you,
but honey I'm just nervous,
waiting for you to catch a clue.

left me empty
now leave me hollow
regret and guilt
just pills to swallow
learned to breathe
under the ocean
paper doll
going through the motions

i wish
             for many things

         i dream
                           of one or two desires

                       and i hope
                                              for nothing at all

i am so
disgusted
revolted
by your image
you narcissistic
shell
there is
nothing left
in you
but ash
and even
now
you are
overreacting
you think
that you
deserve
to feel
pain
you
egotist
for once
can you
think of
someone
other than
yourself?

they never told me that my sadness could be physical
but this past year I started to understand
sadness can shape-shift
it hides in the ***** laundry
the empty shower
the matted hair
the bitten and bloodied nails

it's crafty
and smart
and it seeps into the unchanged bed sheets
the closed window and stale air

some people can't understand
that what they see is sadness
all they know
is that it's not very pretty

and she soon found that she could no longer distinguish between absence of another and absence of self