Am înghițit cerneală.
De pe vârful degetului în timp ce scriam despre *** îți place că mă uit la tine pe o pagină, c-un bilet, dintr-un caiet pe care-l car după mine infernal.
N-am simțit un gust anume.
Am simțit obsesie.
*** scriu, fragile linii pe foaie fără viață
Despre tine și despre *** înot sub gheață.
Despre *** rămân fără aer dar nu se vede pe față.
Am înghițit cerneală când mi-am scuturat stiloul și mi-am împroșcat ochii cu albastrul cuvintelor din somn,
Pe care le rostesc doar ușilor.
Să fie ferecate pentru oricine, să se deschidă doar pentru mine.
Eu scârțâi dar plutesc în gânduri rupte din grădini botanice fermecate
Regina nopții și socul rupte și aranjate.
Pentru tine în șoapte dulci - amărui de dragoste.
Inocent otrăvitoare mi-ai dat obrajilor culoare.
În ochii tăi ce smaraldie desfătare
Ce rana arzătoare.
Ruptă meschin din zare.
Cu cerneala pe limbă îți *** spune că te simt acasă, un tricou purtat înseamnă minim două zile de somn nicio zvâcnire falsă.
Mi-e frică să strănut ceața ta afară,
Să rămân fără
Tine în somn,
Limbă și cerneală.

Dusted willow songs
Like elderberry resting in the creases of my lips.
The air in my lungs isn't where it belongs,
It's swirling hellishly around heartbeats.
Jarring how this flora rekindles
My mind at night.
Terrifying how my dependency fires
Rue on and **** on sight.
Gravediggers bury my limbs back into your hair for me to feel,
Real.
This touch like baby's-breath, lingers
And stains.
Oh how I know ill never get it off,
Never wash away the rupture of the sound
Of your voice-I'm jealous of the walls in your house, how they must bathe in joy when you speak.
What they must hear I envy every creak.
I am calm I refuse to drown in this fog
I want to breathe in for once, alive.
Difuse this morning reborn by night
Ground down this head of mine, whimper like a dog...
To time eating me raw, snapping at my ankles, rummaging through all,
Let it last longer
Let it never fall.

promised I'll get drunk
settled for getting distracted.
sunk down the floor,wanted the alcohol minus the vomiting.
but eyes shine around me so I become less
vigilant...more  human...
a cure for broken shoulders.
your mouth smells like home I'm feeling better.
bickering in and out of the odour of cracked mandarin peels and ***** shots poured in drunken fever.
impersonate each other see who ***** up better,
put a *** out for the table
hide it from the lover.
just some hiccups to get over.
go outside-skin bare
check the pebbled floor make sure you don't trip and bury yourself there,
gotta flip the pack, take out the vanilla cigarrete,
one for you, then for me.
you'll finish in one minute, I'll finish in thirty...
seconds-until I melt on this chair cuz I remembered I was left alone on my birthday and there was no pack of 'friends' to throw me in the air.
so sudden though I'm sure it'll evaporate.
open the fridge, grab a cube of ice, smash it with my molars hoping it'll get me back to:
dancing minimally and laughing more then I should be,
indulging in things I otherwise,wouldn't be doing ,
letting the me from tommorow handle present me fooling.
eyes have been wider now they simmer at the surface only for your hand to rest on my leg,
like a dog,
like a frozen sociopath.
laugh again, crack a joke for the years I won't get back.
I touch,reveriee,then hollow out
so many thoughts I'm fighting the urge to lack sense and halt myself,into some other place.
hell perhaps,bed most certainly.
fun doesn't last much when lonely but it lasted enough for me.
I loved it.
I'll go to sleep.
whiskey antiseptic I'm coating my teeth with anything but it,wishing it would take me to the morning

A nail
Has been beaten back into the floor
So I no longer step on it,
When I enter the room,
When i finished my shower
When I just want to stand.
This nail was snow on bare skin
Woke me up every time I stepped on it.
Last night mami terrorised me.
Talking about daddy cheating and her losing my sister if he divorces.
Went to a **** interview for an even shitier job.
Said she'd work from 9 to 4 in the morning and it's the perfect opportunity to get back working,
Packing shippings while standing while she has an engineering degree.
She's funny lately.
I tell her I don't really wanna come home today and she says the same.
Insists on sleeping next to me and asking if I hear the sound of my tears hitting the pillow as if it's ghost.
Lover on the other hand says I'm making it hard for her
"I just feel like by getting close I m pushing you away"
So I will dissappear.
Been saying it for years.
When I was little I dreamed of 18 being brighter than ever.
It was futile like all my hopes as a toddler.
Cursed lips of spoken valor.
6 hours, 6 hours, 6 hours that's how much I'll stay in school today.
Hope I come back to a home emptier than before.
Hope it's just a dream and I'll wake up in May.
Or July.
Or never I don't really have preferences anymore.

_
De mi-ai dezpletii coastele.
S-au încâlcit și mi-au luat tot aerul cu ele.
Ți-aș recita idile
Mai calde ca  visele mele.
Mă strâng oasele.
Eu ard și ele țin scrumul în mine.
Ce deranj al magiei,
Îmi tresar nervii și arterele *** le convine.
Ce sunt eu pentru tine?
O fericire trecătoare, o intrigă complexă, o altă gură nepăsătoare.
Aş cere mult prea mare oroare,
Timpul tău pentru guri temporare
Viața ta pentru o întâmplare.
Ochii tăi păstrați în a mea chemare.
Ți-am spus fără corp și fără teamă că ești violoncel
În vise ți-aș vorbii astfel, fără remușcare.
Iar câinele din mine se scutură de ură
M-aș arunca în iad să văd un alt zâmbet
O altă sclipire mai pură, un alt miracol corpolent.
Aş vrea să-mi vezi ființa necoruptă
Să-ți arăt că real am respirat și eu.
Dar condiția blestemată
Îmi ştirbeşte plămânii de aer, îmi face moartea țelul.
Eu.
Eu nu aș știi *** să te iubesc.

I woke up I thought
I woke up I thought it was summer
The foil veiling my window making me think the sun's brighter.
What a ******!
A few hours later I go downstairs in the kitchen, fooled that to be rid of anxienty all I have to do is work harder.
And I did up until my mother,
Made my shoulders shudder
Only if the silence lasted a little longer.
It didn't so I tell her about a friend that's been way too friendly  and how I have other priorities.
A girl maybe, I told her, now, she's about to ruin it.
She breathes in: so heavy, one hand next to the stove and one by her hip she tells me.
"stop and take a look at yourself"
Talks to me about the risk of showing myself to such a girl,
Asks if I'd want the aftermath on my conscience forever.
"Ignore her" , she whispers, "let's talk about you!"
"You find people you think are interesting,then dissect them to their last molecule, get what you need, then leave them - desolated, confused, searching for anyone to replace you."
She said I damage them so good they'll never not see me in the people they're searching," no-one will ever be you again"
She backtracks-"don't target this girl, you know what you do, don't be selfish and give her hollow promises."
Cruel of me to want to feel something, cruel of me to want to nurture my loveless mind after years of starving.
Not my right she says, to waste people's time, "you're killing".
I'm shaking but I'm loving it she tells me exactly what I've been dreaming!
That I'm a sociopath, the most attractive sin.
She scoffs and says she'll try to be to my understanding, and slips into some analogy
" unlike others nowadays - pretty cover books with nothing inside, you're a hybrid, you're a blank cover-- let others color it, make them think they have a choice and validity before they start reading."
Accaparating, dense, manipulator, heart-eating.
I hope she's proud of me
I hope my paternal lack of empathy is showing
I hope it's obvious that my talents are natural, hereditary
There are very few instances when it's not them I'm blaming.
But I halt to a stop and ponder what is it that I'm craving,
Because whatever it is, I always aquire then never use it.
My mother sings about my graciously selfish bendings.
I thought the impression of the sun glowing in the final moments of November was a sign for better,
A sign that I will no longer
Live in phases, forget myself along the linings, writhe away like warmth amongst the wind.
So many words have been said, I no longer know if it is me that is living.