When you left you kicked in a little crack
which slowly spread out
Like a car window shield in an accident
set in slow motion
and soon the whole glass was webbed and white

then it started to fall in
first a tiny shard,
a splinter of doubt

now its all falling in
pelting the driver with sharp glass
as he throws his arms up to protect his face

A few pieces of the window shield will remain at the edges
but it can no longer fulfill it's purpose.

That little crack destroyed it all.

Once sitting side by side
in a room of doom
laughing at the mistakes of others
groaning at the cheesy jokes

Full of smiles from inside jokes
a constant want to talk
The feeling of friendship I've been missing

No longer

The big fat drops came falling down
A soaking my hair
my shirt and bare arms

Shoes splashed in the forming puddles
seeping in to my feet

Awareness of each drop
willing every splash to become absorbed into my skin

I could have stood in the rain for hours
even as the drop turned into a torrent

Just stood there
being a part of the rain

becoming no one,
just an object between the clouds above and the ground below

Accepting the drops
as they ran down around me

The expectations were high,
the nerves were about to explode

But I was ready.

This is what I had trained for
Even if I got my time from last year
I would be fine, it would be good.

But it wasn't

I tried so hard but my legs didn't want to listen
My throat wouldn't let air into my lungs
My mind was ready to give up.

When he told me the time with sigh

I wanted to curl up in a corner
To never show my face in public again,
not even to my 'understanding' friends

All that was for nothing
I wasn't what I thought I was

I am a failure

I'm so done
with the lies
ignorance
the avoidance of reality.

Wake up, seriously.
None of this will matter years from now
not even a month from now.

I don't want to play the games
nor fight against something superficial

I just want to go where life takes me
and join or be joined by others on the way.

Not get caught up in this tangle
and become trapped trying to straighten it all.

Let me live on my own
If you want to join me, fine.

Just don't **** up my life.

Sometimes a moment can change your mind
when you are ready to give up,
a good moment can make you continue on
because of the people that made that moment special

Then later when you have changed your mind
because of that one moment
you may find ou that moment meant nothin to those involved
That you meaned nothing and the momen was forgettable.

That's one of the worst feelings of all.
That something you thought was special
Really meant nothing

Let me stow away in your bag.
I'll stay in the baggage area for the flight,
I won't mind the lack of space.

When the bags are all claimed I would leave
I wouldn't know where,
but I would have a few bills in my pocket
A passport just in case.

Europe would be open.
I could find a job somewhere
maybe waiting tables to cleaning.

All the money earned would go towards rent and food
nothing left over for goign to the movies or eating out.
But I wouldn't care.

I would be on my own
I would be in Europe

I wouldn't be here