Numbing down the sparking thoughts

I drink my beer

I smoke my ***

         Leaving Leaping Flames to rot

The burden of such longing
With no means of action
Or fear of using the means

Leaves a hole

I feel the hands within my heart

Pushing
Pushing
Outward

Longing for something to start

Waiting
Waiting
Onward

A dream flown on must leave a hole

Empty
Empty
Hungry

A hole let sit will collect dust

Falling
Falling…
Downward

I sit upon my chair and think of life
It feels this stage is set right on a knife

To left, a choice to fall into the clay
Into machines, they grind and knead away

To right, the darkness eats at time itself
Room flips, and values fall from off your shelf

Just kiss the knife with toes one at a time
Breath slow, the edge, I pray, will grow, to feel

Sublime

Why did I stimulate this state of mind
What was I searching for
What have I found

Nothing but emptiness and questions
And no route for release
But internal reflection
Into a glowing screen
On my cushion
Living room
Alone

Some anomaly
Grows inside of me
Knows in spite of me

All I cannot see

I dreamed a dream last night

Long conversation full of interest
And excitement
Vibin

With her

No memories of the acts
Just Memories of the feelings
Of sexuality

Such Joy

Then I awoke
To this day
Of 9 hours with her

Vibration analysis, heat transfer, fluid dynamics, materials science, circuits…

Another day I do not speak with her

He sat on his weathered couch in a dark and dank living room.

“Can you hear it calling?”

He seemed to speak to the silence.

“It yearns to lunge from my chest….Sometimes it pushes so hard.”

The words bounced off of walls and refracted…into…spider webs…

The heavy air loomed about his thoughts with unbearable weight. The darkness surrounding his cave seemed to expand forever.

“I don’t understand who has blessed me with this curse…is it arrogance or destiny?”

He sat with his large hands caressing the many wrinkles and divets of his wearisome and weathered face.

“You bring this upon yourself, you know.”

The voice echoed and boomed, enshrouding his very being.

It seemed the voice came from the walls…closing in….

“How can you say that?? Why would anyone do this to themselves??”

He shrieked in despair.

The walls themselves scoffed and howled in offense.

“This room. The blackness. The stench. The rotting carcass.”

Again the voice boomed with unrelenting and disconcerting authority.

“Who else is their origin? Things don’t just grow. Something manifests them.”

He pulled at his cheeks with his long and sharp fingernails, exposing the heavy dark circles below his bright and sunken eyes.

“How can I escape?? I never wanted this for myself! I can still hear it calling!”

His words pressed hard against the walls. The pounding energy of the blast continued to reflect and dance around shadows and spiders.


“There is no escape. You are a child of your choices and are chained to their destiny.”

At this he stood. He threw back the tattered and stained quilt he had been quivering beneath.

“Then I will face the darkness! I will stare fury and fire in the eyes and I will not quiver!”

He shot his hands into the sky and blasted a billow of flame at the rotting wood he called a ceiling.

“If this is my home then I shall call it my domain! If this is my destiny then I shall be its master!”

With a great toss of his hands he banished the darkness from him and walked out of the door.

I don’t even know what to right

But I want to express my feelings in some way

Its all in my gut

This longing

There’s no other way I can describe it

Like my entire being wants another environment

A whole different set of stimulus

It isn’t always like this

I can appreciate the small things

The simplicities

Of life

Perhaps I just suffer through the appreciation

I’m not sure if effort toward appreciation

Makes any ******* sense

I read countless techniques of

Calculated happiness

Like life is a series of steps

Leading to a

Prescribed harmonious vibration

Its beautiful really

But I’m not sure I swallow

The idea that this path leads to this such reality

And days of such

Effort.

I wish to let my spirit free

With eloquence and fluidity

Vigor and relentless expression

of Self

and Soul

and Spirit

And these equations seem to hold me in chains.

Terror abides

The words spill forth

Chaos surrounds

Spilling forth

Beauty

My thoughts racing
           Pacing
                     Forward

Where?
Wrong question.  

For forward they go.

Until I get To pause

If only for a moment.
And taste life.
As colors and scents and emotions roll over me
Shocking
Powerful
Necessary.

Like a dark icy wave blasting off the dirt
And filth
And blood.

I consume the moment. Thirsting for purpose and passion.
And so it leaves me.

Most likely I leave it.

My thoughts racing
           Pacing
                     Forward

Why?
Right question.  

For forward they go.

I long for someone to share their path

I need circles. Not lines.

She steps so softly in fallen snow
The woods whisper words just she will know

Lying loosely arm in arm
Bathing in silence

Her spirit draws circles in the snow

Such a quick glimpse
Of such a sacred creature
Living with passion
Each and every feature

My bed is now empty
But the stains
Of coconut oil
Remain

I numbed myself today
Nothing else to say

Fires died down for a bit
Easy just to sit

But I know how these things work

I’m waiting for the metamorphosis

As retardant turns to fuel
And the fire returns hungry and refreshed

Sunset
On the beach

****** tension
Obvious and overwhelming
Lays a pleasant enshrouding cloud around us

The world fades away

Just the dying colors of a vivid sun
And the incessant onslaught  
Of a calm ocean

Memories of a day past
Splashing on our mental shores
In tune with the earth
As always

I softly stroke the fresh ink
Printed on her skin
Her skin tightens
Redness appears

A great surge of passion
Welling up in the bottom of my heart
Filling my stomach

But I must control myself
I've made this mistake before

The same obstacles
To trip over
They've never left

But she hints like they're leaving

I escaped without crossing the line
I made no mistakes
I don't know if I should return

But the heart wants what the hearts wants
And I'm left longing

Filthy pitted face
            Bile Green

Gleaming viscous fangs
                   Bright Yellow

From time to time
           this friend of mine
                   comes to say hello

The stench nauseating
    grinding knots
      in my bowels

I respond promptly enough,
quick strike to the dome,
and he recoils to the shadows

But to pretend his whispers
       can't be heard
to pretend the gleam in my eyes
       as I feign integrity
                isn't him

That right there,
Is a bit more challenging.

So bottoms up,

        Let's entice our demons

                   To come and play

For Self now
               Writing
                        Music Blasting

Others surround
                Gaming
                         Bullets whizzing

Not sure what to do with my time
        But so passionate
               With no passion
That’s when fire is really dangerous
         When its not sure what to burn
                  But it needs to burn

This lets a little lava blood flow
         Out of fingertips
                  **Electric

From time to time, with clearest sight
I feel I see the world right
Harmonious vibrations spread
Syn-chrosity, one step ahead

At other moments darkness comes
Fogs clarity, I lose the hum
My jumbled thoughts, emotions fray
I’m looking far beyond today

When young, the sorrow gripped me tight
Stared life in eye, prepared to fight
Felt separated from the flow
Felt separate from what I know

I am the source of all I see
My souls not trapped inside of me
From bang till final breath, I ride
A wave born from eternal sky

large embers cool slowly

Waiting for the faintest breath

to blow them back to life

Tock clicks
   As life, and Love,
       Slips

Listen
   To my heart fail
Genuine emotion
   My only hope to prevail

The Swirl
   and Swivel
Of this grisly, grimy
   Theater dribble

As hearts dance
    Together and Apart
Doomed to bitter distance
   From the very start

The morning after
The chirping of birds seems distant
Coals of anger left in my chest
Easy to stoke

But the rage has passed
As has the pang of heart aching sorrow

The morning after is always odd
After misdirected lines
off a tv stand
Surrounded by complicated relationships
And voracious women
That spark no interest in my soul
Just my head

The morning after can be very odd
After screaming matches with god
So one sided
At the far end of IV
Down on the beach
At two am

Feeling somewhere between an atheist
And a lunatic

The only response the roaring crash of the relentless waves

As I beg to be told why this must be my path
Why I wallow through this unwarranted longing

But I suppose what did I expect
Of God's Language

The roar of the ocean
So cold and inhumane
Eternally wise and forever changing

Now I enjoy my oats and coffee
Waiting for my heart to lead me out once again

Sitting next to her
Hours of homework

With her gentle
Fluid
Words

Such a powerful presence
for her character

I did not know

The sand

It cradles us so tight

Were creatures playing in the light


The grass

It swallows us up whole

The moon directs us to our goal


Her mind’s Vibration I must find

I’ll search until I’m good and Blind


With gifted wisdom to see clearly

Her deepest pool

She gives so freely

From deep within a Dream I’ve woken

From the Whispers she has Spoken


Her fingertips like Lucid shock

Before, my mind, it was like Rock


Her gentle soul
It has awoken

Deep inside
My Passion broken

With gentle care and perfect pace

She smoothes my wrinkles into place


The wisdom of the tree and star

Flows with whispers

Through my heart

From deep within a Dream I've woken

From the Whispers she has Spoken


Her fingertips like Lucid shock

My Mind, before, it was like Rock


Her gentle soul,
It has awoken

Deep inside, My Passion broken


With gentle Care and perfect pace

She smooths my wrinkles into place


The wisdom of the Tree and Star

Flows from Whispers

Through my Heart

Feeling empty and sullen
A thin shell

With no direction

Mumbling distaste and unappreciation

To his computer screen

Lies and deceit
Devour my soul

My heart and my passion
No outlet to go

The one who has raised me
The blood in my veins

Is rotting from poison
Please god take his reigns

.
I hear the sound of my footsteps

          and the beating of my heart

My heart reaches its tender fingers

               outward

And the impending silence fills me
.

Will I ever fill this gaping void
That grasps me so tight
I feel I cannot escape

So lonely and longing
With no one to reach out to
All those who care
I care nothing for

Their love is dangerous

Yet I return
Through hopeless message sent through digital routes
To my old form of coping

Knowing the potential of pain
For both her and I

Is it selfish?
I believe so.

I feel bomb

My body is happy
My mind is clear

My skin tingles with warmth
       and Vibration

I saunter through the valley of toxic filth
        The sludge slaps my thighs and sprays my soul

I dissolve it in oils
        The warmth allows it to penetrate deep
                And with conscious care, I cleanse my Self and Soul

I float high on
         Carrots and mushrooms and quinoa and beans and seeds
                And more fruits
                 And more roots
                  And more veggies
And fats
        Raw with love and earth
And meat, raised as Children of the Earth
        Not children of the industry
And my sweet mistress of stimulated desire
        Cacao.
Stimulates my clearing mind
         Free of pineal poison (from water and paste)

I saunter through the valley of toxic filth
       I hold her close and kiss her

My body is saturated. There is no escaping environment.

So I work from the inside out.
I sweep my temple daily.

I breath in chaos,
And breath out harmony.

My friend is falling apart
In front of my eyes

Slowly tearing at the delicate seams
Woven by the love and heart and passion
Of his mother

We blew our minds apart together
Treaded waters we’ve never tread
He exposed I
And I he

To the brink

But I was just exploring
Escaping
Perusing

Now I must return to school

Twas no game for him
Sitting on my couch
Explosion of colors and sounds
Tearing apart seams
Of couch
And Reality

Tears
And
Demons of our past
Released

I delved to places I feared
For he poured ****** rivers of darkened ****** water
From sacred synapses
Of Block-ed experience

But I had to return
And he has no place to go

A glorious fruit
        Hanging casually on a branch

Split from the navel to the jaws
        Blood red insides exposed to the open air

Extended Hexagons packed in tight
        Layered with skin around skin around skin

Separate little cubicles
Filled with chemicals
That change lives

And sometimes
       The lives of birds

(They pecked into my pomegranate)

Ants and growth and decay and filth
         Swarm the ****** wound with unbelievable skill
                          And understanding

I choose to not let this one go back to the earth quite yet
         Some would say I’m a hippie like that

Quickly carried to the operating room
        (The kitchen)
Slammed on the operating table
        (The cutting board)
First incision made
        (Broke in half)

Guts
         Spill
                  Everywhere

But deep inside
        Surrounded by the ants and growth and decay
                 And filth

The most glorious Rubies
Packed with care and understanding

Nature never ceases to amaze
       Its capability to produce such pure
                Uncontaminated raw potential
                        In an environment of such decay

I suppose we do have a chance.

She steps with silence through the snow
The lilies love her laugh and know
She speaks with kindness
Love
And
Laughter

Knowing deeply
What comes after.

Sickness all around
        Dark tired bags
                Live under glazed over eyes

So we pump chemicals
To combat chemicals
        We arm both sides and don’t know how the war is fought

You can read this
and I can read that

hard to know the truth
        when informed by salesmen

All I know
Is this is big business
        And money is made

My body is growing stronger with care and effort        
        Or so I think

Sometimes I imagine I’ve grown so
        My nose grows high into the air
                And I try to help others, with an air…

But lets get real
Look into the mirror

I’m growing my own little buddies
        That live comfortably, under my glazed over eyes…

missyouhere

My solar plexus is really feelin
you right now
Powerfully internal longing
I mean ****
Even digital communication is
helping
And you know how I feels

I do!!
Ergo my slight surprise
earlier

I'm missin you girl

as I feel we've indeed kept the
whole not-getting-too-sticky-
over-text communication
you're making my heart smile

I feel you from here :)
I'm trying to get up there
Before school starts I want to go
explore places with you

month left!
ample time

Start thinking of places you'd
want to check out
We could crash in the back of
my car or tent or whateva
And get mad homies to come too
But I think a lil day trip with us
soloing could be very cool

yes
find a creek
we'll be there. only paddle
needed being yours
I just miss you on top of me,
hugging my body to yours
the feel of your shoulders

Lightly touch your neck with fingertips
As they find their way to the
roots of your hair
And I squeeze
And a hard kiss
As I stare
Deep into your eyes

stopimissyou

I'm driving so I fear I shall stop promptly

why would you drive and talk to me -_-

Reckless lust.
Laying underneath the stars with
you in my arm
Thought fills me with warmth

ugh
stevieray

Satine

imissyou
comenearme*

As soon as
Unfortunately
Feasible
And not possible
Buenos noches
Satine dulce

Surrounded and swimming with sullen others struggling

We simply cope strangely and separately

Souls distant, spread by

Separate Experience


Love and eternal life
Lost in prescribed hallucinations
By fate

Love lost in translation

Allow the media distraction to take hold
Hours of poetry
And Vibrations

Settle Something

The coffee is delicious
And the oats are nutritious
(with the seeds and powders and fruit)

Searching for satiating stimulation
Somewhat consciously endless

But for now
Pleasant

As I dabble with circuits
And fluids
And heat transfer

My form of coping
So strange

To so many

But They simply confound me

I arise early with an

Attentive mood

Looking back to last summer

And my 5 a.m. necessary release

Reading my expressive mind

Remembering the struggle

Of what I left behind

My love
Her life
Our connection

But not my passion
That was kept

and Intensified

That ******* can hurt
Pushing on my solar plexus
And chest

Longing
and
Searching

I don’t feel that way
anymore

Someone has a fancy
For My Fire

A step on snow
A step on moss

I stumble slow
My mind is cross

A bird flies low
A stone is round

She exists

Without a sound

Deep in the pits of my soul is the source

            Of the chattering
                        Chattering mind; till its hoarse

I have such care for the friends that I keep
But no returns of care does my scythe get to reap

Pouring in heart with no
            Reflection
Bleeds at your being

A slow secretion
            Of patience
               And care

Till bled so dry
The care isn’t there

The End
    Is not my towering horror

But a slow bleeding process
      With care

Out of order

My thoughts of now sharing,
To those who are caring,
Of how I am faring,
These poems so blaring,
Of emotions raring,
It leaves me stuck staring

At a page
     Covered in bleeding ink

Why does my soul long like this
What is the ever lasting longing

Typing on my computer with no goal
        No known direction I’m going

I just need to let some pressure out
         This way seems the best
                      Better than others…

I despise that I long to be longed
But nevertheless
        I long
               For so long

Spelling it out
         In silly tabbed lines

Makes problems seem pathetic.

Curled up, so tightly writing
Stare at hand, the thing supplying
Rhythm, rhyme, structure divine
Words I speak, in perfect time

Voice rings out to empty room

Echoes seem to speak my doom

Context seems to show my gloom

      But the echoes lies
      Live in disguise
      and to my surprise

My breath sends out such morbid death

Yet pressure seems to leave my chest

Relieves the stress, unlike the rest

      Those sunny skies
      Those days of pleasure
      Conceal some lies
      With perfect weather

Strip me of my future endeavors

    Let me live in this present moment

(and both melt away)

Do you ever wake up?
Just for a moment

From the foggy chase for the cheese we call life
(Reward circuitry)

Everything stops.
Sounds surround.
Details intensify.

And something else...
Right on the tip of my capability to understand
Touching down on both sides

That never leaves again.

I've been collecting little pieces.

I don't know for what puzzle. I don't know what the puzzle answers.

I don't know the question.

But I do know each experience
Satiates.
Something.
Surreal.

I girl biked by today, in rain
Saw her through the window pane

  My arms were crossed
      Her eyes shone glee
  Our two looks locked
      Enticing me

  Threw out a wave
      So naturally
  She waved back
      So gracefully

  The rain still falls
      Her tracks did fade
  But memories
      Her waves have made

Looking at lies
Told by these eyes
Leaves no surprise
I live
    A Disguise

Her I sit, just trying to write
Applying to jobs like that’s my life’s plight

To pave right ahead, don’t think till I’m dead

Grows heavy feelings in fingers like lead


What feels not genuine in things I’m sendin them?

I try and be real yet I see I pretend again

Again and again, deceits all I’m lendin them

Breath nice and slow and try an begin again

Again and again, nothings been mended friend


Take what you’ve got and take what you’ve done

Throw all that on paper, compressed into one
Page

One single page

My resume

What does it say of me?

Dry tidbits of years and hours that came from me

Once it was sang from me

Once pulsed and rang from me

Like torrents of heart, blood, and tears

It all drained from me

Left out in the sun, some dry shrinking things

The future will come
Let it bring what it brings