“The twinkle in my eye”
She says

The twinkle in my eye?
He stripped of passion.
He stripped of feeling.

Such words sang from a freshly cut melon.
Smiling up at me
Eyes glistening from fascination
Chest glistening from the essence
Of a coconut (and a small amount of saliva)

Curves of unfathomable length
Lips of explored (and unexplored) depths
Luscious locks of the moonless sky
Leave me lavished with listless languish
For just a moment

But my breath returns
My energy rebalanced
Spirit re
Invigorated

Satine
Sweet Satine

Fire burned, with no direction

Strictly Up, straight towards Heaven

         All now left, are embers glowing
         Mere shadows of, what I was knowing

Jealousy grips my stomach
       Insides twisting with thoughts I can’t think

A longing away from this moment
       A longing for her

Deflated

When will I find my goddess?

She steps in silence
        Across the snow
The lilies love her
        Her laugh they know

With patient pride
And delicate care

Sloped lips of red
And luscious hair

Smile,
spreads symmetry;
Through,
entropic chaos.

Looping
Laws
Like
Light thread

Her mind at peace
Her pond so still  

I’ll wait for her
My source of Will

Tis unfortunate
It must be this way

Engineers grinding side by side
Minds focused on such abstract
Impersonal
Goals

I wish to walk with her
And speak of fanciful dreams

I wish to hold her close at night
Just to hold her

Walks through the darkness
Exploring the twinkling of the stars
And the crashing of the waves

Such a experience to explore together

And we simply grind

Slowly proceeding toward substantial studying
Currently satiating sorrow and sadness with scores of sullen sonnets...

I breath
In peace

I sit
In peace

Ink stains
In peace

Trust nothing I say

I yield lips of sweet poison

To part other's lips

The world slides at your receipt
I need to ***, but that brings heat!

Eh. Feel me as I type. The description of which I bring is essential yet nonconsequential. The words spill with unending disregard for the futility of the fingers of which types them. I am to die. No one will read this. What is the purpose of this eccentric divulgence? Man is perpetuating artistic self-indulgence that allows for self, I said SELF, consuming fires.

Such a silly line I throw down for mere enjoyment. I like to hear this rhetoric spill of off my lips. Like a greasy…pig?

Why do we degrade this animal that so closely resembles us? Why do we cast it into the filth and mud to a place that it does not deserve? Arrogance I predict. The pig is not so far from us.

As I sit on this keyboard, depressed, unfulfilled, consumed, and disgusted. With whom? Not the pig, that is ensured. I type with violent disgust of myself and those of which I wish to share my existence.

Truly? Not so. I just want to express what I can with my fingertips. See how they dance and explore the keyboard. There seems to be nothing that holds them back. A vast plethora of subconscious goo for fuel.

Do you ever pause and ask,
        Is this a dream?

When I first asked, I laughed.
Then again I asked, and laughed again.

I asked, laughed, and peered a little closer.
I asked, peered, and dropped a wry smile.
I asked, and stared closely.

I realized I don’t even know what it means to look closely.
I don’t even know what it means to look.

I move through “life” as if a dream.
So focused on such a small portion of reality.
A little encapsulated cloud.
A box. (Sometimes rigid, other times wiggly)

I asked, is this a dream?
I do not know.
But continuing to ask has changed something.
I feel it in my stomach.

I don t know what I will find if I keep asking.
I don’t now know what that feeling is.

Now whenever I ask
I fear I may get an answer.

Moving past my released fumes
I try to just sit back, resume

The conscious quest of my own heart
The fingertips, they dance. A start.

Look at my skin, my groves of hair
I wonder why my life led here

Potential fills so many paths
That I may take, it gives me wrath

Each subtle step I choose to take
Who knows what future it will make

I want to quell, bring to peace to all
The hatred of which I appall

But growing deep, so deep inside
An evil of which I do hide

My own shortcomings, big and small
Withholding sacred peace for all

Each day, dichotomy doth grow
Between two choices I do know

One choice doth let the joy just grow
For others all around, I know

Yet quite another doth exist
Often this one I resist

The natural choice, no second thought
Though part of me doth fear I’ll rot

If I succumb to carnal choice
Listening to natural voice

Eating filth so quickly bought
Consuming drugs that lead to rot

Ignoring homework, tests, and calls
Living just to have “a ball”


To just let go, and trust the stream
To live as if within a dream

Behave the way of which I’m born
Ignoring social looks of scorn

To flow eternally in peace
Realizing that nothing holds me

Away from the eternal hum
Each worry can be quelled to mum

This final step I cannot take
Til’ I release the bonds I make

To family and friends alike,
Material possessions strike

So deep into my peaceful state
This crucial choice I’ve yet to make

Perhaps this fear and woe, is why
I chose to make eternit-ay

The never ending circle spins
Each moment I feel it begins

Like a ball on a hill
My souls unsettled

With the smallest push
I begin to roll

First down the hill,
To the deepest depths
With such speed and passion
I feel regret

But this speed and passion
Keeps me rolling

Up another
Then I keep on going

Resting from each peak to peak
But in between
I do not speak

Is this my life?
Will I keep rolling?

Up and down
And never knowing

Searching for
The deepest valley

A well so deep
So full of love
Her connection strong
To up above

Stagnancy
Following hesitancy
Which followed brilliancy
Leaving me empty, see?

The finality
Of a propensity
Toward brilliancy
Is the inevitability

Of an Empty Sea

A morning of escape via sheets and pillow
A day of escape via coffee and comeda
A night of escape via I.P.A.
And marijuana

And thus the passions return
As expected
At 12:13 A.M.

Such a longing of soul to an extent that I cannot rationalize or define

My very being expanding past my expectations of its spatial limit

Pressing so very ******* my solar plexus

A low frequency thud

To my heart

Beat


This will never leave
It makes me knees shake
And my foundations shudder

Fear enters my heart

But the excitement is addicting.

A buffet of stimulus,
Fills no void.

God they must be hurting,
For all they fiend.

But lips sealed tight.
Bongs packed right.
Pills in hand.
Goes as planned.

****. Pop.

Wake up for the hunt again

I sit on chair, so late at night
My pen has scratched, it fought its fight
     The Sacred Fight, Immortal Plight
     Speaking what it thought was right

Vino
Buzzing my mind

Thoughts flow
Like I'm sublime

Toxins ease
Flow stupid ****

Dumping my brains
Into the pit

Wounded lover
Wandering on the beach
There is no life here
     Crustaceans
That is no life to me
But the sand is soft on my sole

Blank gaze of the pitiless moon on my back
Speaking of things that once were
And never will be again

Soft glow of the rising sun on my breast
Oil slick reflections in the sand
Dinosaurs scavenging for sustenance

Why am I here?
Only the meaning we give it
Only the meaning we give it
Only the meaning we give it

Devoid of form

Repetition like insanity

Vortices swarm my ankles
Icy cold grip of a long lost mother

Reaching to consume her

    Blind and Reckless

           Child

There is no life I know there
Incessant drone of the pitiless waves

Soft glow of the fading moon on my breast
Her power slipping
Devoid of life
A lone rock

Warmth of the rising sun on my back
The sand is soft on my sole

Porcelain mug dangling empty in my hand
Water droplets stain my spectacles
Looking down from the staircase

Bright rays of the sun dance across the waves
To my Eyes
Water folds softly around eager rocks

Colors fade from the sky
A clear blue overhead

Clear as my soul once was

Walking on glass sprinkled streets
With numb feet

The Sand was Soft on my Sole

The darkness Grows
My weakness Shows
As evidence of Chaos Glows
This must all be for fun
      He Knows

Sitting in our rental car, driving to the local lake to
Blow up fireworks.

Dad’s driving, sister and mom in the back.

Good vibes been all around, but
The Vapor's rising

Such pride had been growin in my heart
Wellin up like it hadn’t ever done

Amazing how simply taking something toxic away
Can make you appreciate the simple things so much more

A couple nights before, I saw him start slippin
No evidence needed, no smell and no sight

I can see it in his eyes, darting back and forth
Beedy, wide open eyes

He needed it

Gotta let your happiness swell up real big
For the pain to rush so hard

I thought this time was different
I had given up a couple times before
Didn’t ever want to feel this way again
To feel shame for that which I come from

I look at my hands
My face
My walk
My smile
My ****** hair
All of my **** hair

And I see him

We wave our hands like the worlds about to blow
And we need to tell the story right
Before it does

Sitting here at my grammas dining room table
The fireworks have long since blown
Getting ready to take the trip back home
From Texas to Cali

I can’t look at him
It hurts
Deep down in my belly
To hear him talk
and smile

I don’t even need to look
To know

The smile is false
And his eyes are beady

But back to the rental car
When I let it smack me in the belly

I had seen it coming
I knew it was rising

But it took the turn of his head
And that smell, and that smile

For me to let it in

The vapor rises out of that toxic pit he calls his belly
(been cultivating it for years he says)

They rise to dance as
twisted lies
from those large lips
That reddened face

I’ll be back at school soon
Leaving San Diego behind

I have to leave it rising
To choke and overwhelm my family

Feeling hopeless
And the vapor keeps rising

Days when I feel so cold
And empty

The struggle seams selfish
But sustains

At times I need something to rely on
Something to give me hope
A warmth

Coming after winter

I can nearly envelope myself in the thought
If I let go of the moment
And give in

All of this pain and struggle
And lonesome sorrow
Leaving pits
In I

Will be justified
Perhaps Glorified
As necessity

If it prepares me for her
Only where there is pressure
And heat
Will a diamond be formed

I will be her diamond

She will dust of my
Toxic skin

Tough and calloused
From years of fighting
Transient vapors
To form

The diamond inside


I hold that warmth close to my chest
Let her love envelope my soul
And blanket me from the cold

Her smile eternal
And free

Her laugh
From deep inside her belly

A source of symmetric synthesized vibrations
No schism in her soul

My fear is that day will not come
Where I can lavishly pour my soul and energy
Into such a noble source
Of simple love

Perhaps it is not my purpose
To find love

We all manifest
To Fill a niche

But I will not forget the warmth
For Cold days will return

Infinite constantly changing spectrum of light
Folding and rolling in soft gentle ripples
Mother Earth playing with the dying rays of light

For me

And I'm supposed to focus on catching waves?

I can't do that
With my jaw dropped
And my eyes wide open

Starstruck with appreciation
For God

I found god today
In the fading rays of light
Creating infinite beauty
For just me

I don't think this is a poem
Just a declaration

I can sustain
The hours of analysis
The years of lost joyous hours in the sun

While amongst the performance

Its these late nights
And awaking to my return

Where my heart pangs
And screams in rebellion

This is when I struggle

I often wonder why people post on this site
        Myself included

I’m definitely reaching out
        Trying to make bonds
                
Where my energy seeps out
        Tired and withered

                My daily life gives no release

Of this form
                          
And so I really start to think
If I do form bonds

Who the **** are these people?
        Why are they different from those in my life?
                Do I really want to know them?
                        Should anyone see this side of me?

Maybe its Toxic.
And this should not be read.

Nightfall. A sliver of moon in the sky. The rumbling and tumbling of shouting free spirits toss around the meandering darkness. All that segments this organic manifestation, is an occasional, thump.

At least to the narrator. One ‘blessed’ step at a time. The eternal and everlasting thump of one foot in front of the other. Wonder if my longing and hammered foot travels as Telemachus?

The birds chirp in harmonious rhythm. Odd. Should either chirp with a sway, or be passed out, by now. All us tethered beings should swing with the immortal swing, or so I’m thinking.

Tick, tock. Arabica, slam. Jam with the jittery, immortal jam. Or whatever garb I had been throwing my way. Passed through the ‘wisdom’ of my culture, and greedily accepted by my reward circuity.

One big, machine ‘learner’.

Putting that all behind us, it always leaves a longing soul with gritting teeth.

So there I was. 4 p.m. Caffeine crash can’t even begin to describe it. A ‘crash’ designates a single day. A single face to face relationship with ones decision to kiss and tango with a sacred substance.

I was knee, I say knee, deep, in an affair.

At that point it’s not just some shallow reaction to your mind grasping at some crutch it has designated for a moment.

Not to be dramatic. But habit flows to river real quick.

So there I was. 4 p.m. Tryin to swim.

All I had for a life raft. *****.

Get drunk with my friends. That giddy, pushin others on my level on a weekday, giddy.

Push that bravais lattice, PDE numerical simulation, concentration boundary layer, **** to the side.

I was tryin’ to push MY boundary layer.

Yet here I am. 2 a.m.

Everyone is sleepin’.

All I have for company is my, thump, thump, thump.

On my way to the ocean.

Because God will listen to me Cry, and Scream.

Sweet Satine
Curving through my neglected dreams
With curves that never end it seems
But time hath stole
Her skin
And soul

But time will turn
Just that I know

To Consider Thyself

I speak to others
        Day to day

At time considering
        At times flowing

Each different.

Why the difference?

Some flow so eternally
       Never looking back
                Always experiencing

Others are trapped in recollection
        Considering  
                Considering
                         Considering
Only experiencing
        When caught off guard
                 When they can’t consider
Foreign stimulation.

What a line. Foreign Stimulation.

Doesn’t sit well with me. Like an illusion.

Each sensation. So novel. Unexperienced. Foreign.

If everything is foreign, nothing is foreign.

Taking to the extreme incites a conclusion.
We are what we perceive.

Everything is known.

Why then, do I consider, that I consider, that I consider, that I consider…

Myself?

Class after class
Breath after breath

No focus on tests
Just focus on stress

In
My body relaxes
Out
I smile

The sun beams down on me
And shines out through my pores
And my mouth

Through my smile

Stretching for no purpose but
Joy

As I lay in the grass
(Which may have dog ****)

Tucked in shirt
I decide to unbutton

Chest hair exposed
Surrounded by strangers

In
My body relaxes
Out
I smile

I arrive at home
Just in time

I walk to the park
Orange in hand

Slice by slice
Spray by spray

Glimmering magic released
Sweet citrus aroma

My tongue waits patient
As my senses indulge

Citrus
And
Flowers

Smiling

The raw scent of salt
And crashing of waves

I can find no fault
Smiling
in a daze

Bite by bite
And site by site

The orange and I
Appreciate

In
My body relaxes
Out
I smile

Her skin
So smooth

Each curve
A groove

She walks
With mind

I search
She’ll find

He sat tapping his finger on the bottom of his shoe, Italian leather, legs crossed.

“I really think the whole things *******.”

He was Anthony Ratier. Sitting outside a coffee shop along a crowded path.

“Its been carried on for so ******* long, nobody even considers it.”

He wore a Black Italian suit jacket. Black slacks. White Shirt.

“The one thing I can’t quite understand is how nobody else seems to question it.”

He was smoking a hand rolled stoge. Loosely rolling it between his fingers carelessly and occasionally pressing it to his lips.

“They just scuttle on day after day with such putrid confidence. I can’t stand it.”

He had a dark and sharp complexion. Long bangs of straight jet black hair hanging in front of the blue windows of his soul. The blue so bright, so sharp, so penetrating…

“I just want to stand on this chair and scream at them! Tear them from their ******* shells and throw them into oblivion!”

At this he took a long drag on his hand roll and extinguished it directly on the table.

“But no one would allow that. They’d shut me out with ease. Not a soul would hear me.”

At this he stood up and straightened his tie.

His tie.

About the only thing original on the guy.

Bright intricate patterns of red gold and silver.

With a large flower of life in the center.

“To know thyself. Ha! We can’t know the sky isn’t about to come crashing into the ocean to tear apart the hills.”

“Ourselves is about the last thing we’ll ever know.”

Sitting at my dining room table.
Surrounding by family and compassion.

All bleeding
             All hurting
                          All hopeless

Directed at my father.
The man with a heart
             Too big for his soul

So he poisons his body
             To poison his heart
                          To relieve his soul  

Of so much heart.

How can I judge?
I shut my heart off.
             With numbers
                          And logic
                                       And filth.

He lives with his heart.
Open and bleeding.

Begging for the poison
             To relieve his soul
                          Of too much heart

Open cavity in my chest

Heart thumping wildly in my open palm

Blood splattered on the pavement
                               and my luggage

As I stand at the bus stop

And wait for a ride to the train

I am ugly

    I am putrid

                                        I am beautiful
                                          
                                              I am perfect

My fear that when I love her back, the mist of illusion will fade, and I will be standing with my heart in my outstretched hand, blood dripping to the pavement, just a man.

The constant hum.
        The mental vibration.

I search for connection.
        I fiend for sensation.

The eternal quest
        Of transitory
                  Relation

****.
Do I need a
        rest.
A mental

Vacation

Exhausted from slaving
Pushing
Grinding
All night

But she brings such happiness out of me
It does not even matter
I haven't slept in over 36 hours

I wish to exude a good vibe for her
Thats wrong--

I have no choice
She pulls it out of me
With her gentle focus

She brings such a smile out of me
I did not know it before

After such a day
Of stress and tension

She settles my nerves
Unknowingly

What a ******* goddess

For years I have been searching

At Times calm,
At Times lurching.

Up and down I ride my wave

There is a reason
Why I pave.

She lives Now

She speaks with Care

Some would say

She Isn’t there