So close to feeling dead,
so close to feeling alive.

Self destruct
and rebuild
until you love yourself again.

I have tried it all
To get the monsters in my soul
Smoking them out
Drowning them in alcohol
Poisoning them with pills
Putting them to sleep with green happiness
Bleeding them out
And yet every night they whisper
I am here
I will always be here
As long as you are here

Being suicidal
Is like living in a smothering fog,
But like all fog,
Sometimes it clears.

Being suicidal
Takes away being capable
Of fully appreciating life.
It feeds off your fears.

Being suicidal
Is an unimaginable suffering
That is all too real.
I've been here for years.

But being suicidal
After the fog lifts,
You appreciate the tiniest bits of life
So much, that it brings tears.

My mistakes don't make me stupid
My mistakes are cries for help.
So help me, *******.
Don't put me through hell.

I'm scared to get it wrong
So I don't try to get it right
I don't want to deal with you
Instead of sleeping at night.

I hear you
like the ringing in my ears
in the time
between consciousness
and dreams

fading scar tissue on my skin
feels so far from healing

aggressive breath
anxious sweat
pearls at the base of my neck

like puddles reflecting
that one lit up window
that spoke volumes
on the subject
of loneliness
and surrender

smog drifting higher
hugging the sun
in its suffocating embrace
so let the kids play
because tomorrow
the headlines could tell you
that it's finally time
to give up
give in
give away
anything
and everything you tried to save

cough like
your eroded throat
is the holy vessel
and your pain is scripture
pretend you didn't repeat
the things you pretended
to not have heard
so give me your last breath
and I give you my word
I'll never let your anguish
be remembered

so come on
and cough.

cough
like you could evict
the bitter thickness
of failure from your lungs
purge the fallacies you're pounded with
the shame
of cheap whiskey
and the voicemails you've saved
just to remind yourself
that you ruined things
punishment
because it feels righteous
when it comes from within
cough
and when your lungs settle
the heaviness remains
so take another desperate drag
because perhaps
this will finally be your last