How magnificent is that moment
when we realise
what we have been searching for
the blinding light
it came from you

While we stood together
we were miles apart
I did not want you to be connected to this
a frequency not quite there
yet.
While sorrow still crept through me
you were so so still unaware of it all
a life untouched by pain
if only if only.
As I connect with my memories
healing slowly
I will know you are there
and we will be together.

Another year silently disappears
We look out at the bleak grey sky
There's something different
This time our trajectory is so so clear

We walked through the dirt
but our path was so absolute
The air was so crisp
Wind skimmed our face
Our journeys, they led us face to face

And there was nothing that we couldn't take
No element in this world we were unable to face
and that was the change
we changed it all
the inner voice -
we heard it call

I couldn't deny the words I heard
you heard it too
it was like a singing bird
a robin that wouldn't stop
and a message so distinct
we could never forget.

As the next year slowly draws in
what we know
we welcome it
with arms open wide.
It belongs to you,
the words echo in my ear
you must embrace it every single year.

I lay my book down
and stared up at my grief,
why are you still lingering?
There had been so much loss
of love
and life
I wasn't going to repay this forward
I buried it with the rest of the memories
at least they had each other.
When you feel like I have drifted
just know that sometimes I need to find solace
in my self
and this feeling was not a reflection of you
but we are reflections of each other
mirror images
all of us -
one by one
- one.
While the universe had given me you
I would refuse to give you back.
You were the answers to the myriad of questions
and somehow I let you know
that I would never leave you behind
in any sense -
it made sense,
for our lives had already seen enough.

We took the photos down from the wall
we couldn't bear to look at them all.
But thoughts of you crept in my mind
they never were far behind.
I tore through the pages of the photo albums
trying to remember
but my mind was so clouded.
A younger you and a younger me
my heartbeat raced
it was trying to break free.
It broke everyone when you left
1 - 2- 3 we were missing a guest
the missing seat
the missing card
my mind tormented, my mind scarred.
Still -
unable to utter to the others
the pain swirling inside still undiscovered
still unwilling to escape
surely your exit was a mistake.
The emotions of loss come in the unlikeliest of waves
and I thought of us then, in the sea
memories that I cannot suppress.
Walking past the living room,
where I expect to see you smile
but no one is there and they haven't been for a while
All our lives, they flow like waves
I will think of you
the rest of my days.

Sometimes I feel like I don't know if you were really here
I'm not sure how but all the memories have disappeared
whether they were suppressed
it was probably for the best
and everyone is trying to suggest -
to me
that I talk to someone outside of the family
and try to gain some stability.
But all I can really think about is the journey you went through.
In the end
words can never mend the loss of one of your first friends,
one of the first people that held your heart.
My dad, the one who was there from the very start.

December what a cruel month you can be
and so deceiving.
Tears remain hidden behind presents and bows
advent calendars are opened -
and disguise the woes.

The lonely barren trees
will cast the most magnificent of shadows
despite yearning for the warmer fruitful months
to be upon them.

His cri de coeur was not as clandestine
as he thought
and his solitude was louder than the barren trees
screaming and wailing it called to me.
There I stood
on the coldest day
and with no uncertainty of what he needed to see -
I told him:
Nor I, nor you, can be defeated by the winter months
for the most magic moments are often defined in the cold
and now we were old -
infinitely enamoured by what we had discovered.

The promise of the burning sun -
you never stop to shine,
even in
December.
Your rays are sublime
how
blinding this light,
this light of mine.
It is within me
and all of us
combined.