Just thinking about seeing you, tonight,
Makes my eyes water
And my head spin
With various aspects of crazy.

I am considering (and trying to find an excuse)
To abandon a cosy dinner in a candlelit restaurant
For two hours in the rain, watching a Disney movie,
just so I can see your face.

Of course, I’m hoping there’ll be a resurrection
Of longing glances, whispered messages
And later, electronic conniving
Of the kind we have both been avoiding.

It won’t happen,
But I will derive a certain sick comfort
In seeing you there, in the rain,
Watching it trickle over your beautiful face
And wanting to kiss it away.  

I will be happier, and more comfortable
Squirming there in rain-soaked clothes
Than sipping top price Burgundy in you-know-where
With you-know-who.

But I know what I need to do,
The sensible thing, the only thing I can.
I'll leave you there, dewy and delicious
Kissed by rain, and wishing it was me.

i've started shaking
                                     hot and cold shivers
                                          control me
      a sinking feeling
                                                    in my torso
                     shortened breaths
      i cant breathe
                                         choking on nothing
  heart or stomach
         sink
                             the small amounts of food
    that i ate not long ago
                   i begin to feel ill
nothing is settled in me
                                      back aches
                        become headaches
                                                       ­  i'm still shaking
    hot and cold
                   shivering
                                                 combining into pain
        i'm not handling anything well
                    panic attacks
                            anxiety
    not eating
    not sleeping
                                  no i'm not handling this well
         i'm not dealing
               i cant cope

in three weeks
i've lost 10kg
= 22 pounds
and i didn't even notice
                i wasn't eating
                      no one did

O Captain! my Captain! our fearful trip is done,
The ship has weathered every rack, the prize we sought is won,
The port is near, the bells I hear, the people all exulting,
While follow eyes the steady keel, the vessel grim and daring;
But O heart! heart! heart!
O the bleeding drops of red,
Where on the deck my Captain lies,
Fallen cold and dead.

O Captain! my Captain! rise up and hear the bells;
Rise up—for you the flag is flung—for you the bugle trills,
For you bouquets and ribboned wreaths—for you the shores a-crowding,
For you they call, the swaying mass, their eager faces turning;
Here Captain! dear father!
This arm beneath your head!
It is some dream that on the deck,
You’ve fallen cold and dead.

My Captain does not answer, his lips are pale and still;
My father does not feel my arm, he has no pulse nor will;
The ship is anchored safe and sound, its voyage closed and done;
From fearful trip the victor ship comes in with object won;
Exult O shores, and ring O bells!
But I, with mournful tread,
Walk the deck my Captain lies,
Fallen cold and dead.