I always thought an addiction had to be
something you could physically touch,

but here I am

chasing this feeling I can’t even put into words,

I broke my knuckle open trying to
choke up what was left in me,

I saw blood, I should’ve been scared,
I should’ve wished for help, I should’ve
wished for a do-over, swore to God
"if you grant me this one wish I swear
I’ll never **** up again”

but I just wished for more.

- S.G.

I can’t smell menthol cigarettes
or cheap beer without smelling you,

I can’t hear “you eighteen yet?”
without wanting to tear out my insides,

you ruined so many simple things and
you think you can just show up again,
acting like we’re friends

you did more than touch me
you tainted every moment of
intimacy I’ve had since,

you made me sick and broken
and clouded my judgement so
much that I didn’t know the danger
I was in until you were gone,

I felt sick in your presence,
sick hearing your name, I was
told it was butterflies, I was told
it was love,

now my friends tell me they were
scared for me,

I wish they would have kicked the
chair out from under me and the noose
you tied so tightly around my neck.

- S.G.

I can do whatever I want,
I can do whatever I please,
dress myself in dirt and lingerie,
wear my filth on my sleeve,

a *****, a ******,
I've just got a fixation
for the darkness that
draws you in,

I hope my eyes are
empty, I hope my pulse
is weak, I get high off
my hearts palpitations,

I'm the yeast in your mouth,
the E. Coli in your bowels,

I'm the **** underneath your nails,

wipe the snot off my lips
and rub it in my cuts,
I'm a walking talking
bacterial infection,
a living breathing cesspool,

human garbage.

- S.G.

The first time I kissed a girl her tongue was coated in morphine and I’ve been chasing that high ever since. I tried to replace it by soaking my brain with prescriptions: codeine, dextromethorphan, etc.

A chemical storm raging in my brain; a storm that’s aftermath is present to this day. I still feel the bugs under my skin at night, sometimes the room spins and I remember the revelations I had.

the one most prominent being that this is Hell, that there is no place better or worse than earth, we are in an actual living Hell and that comforts me just as much as it kills me.

I can no longer tell the difference between kissing you and wrapping my lips around a bottle of whiskey,

is that your hands on my waist or are the warm sensations of alcohol caressing me again?

I get the spins, can’t think straight, my heart palpitating like I just did a line of blow off your fingertip,

I want you to take me in and sober me up
only to knock me off my feet again when our eyes meet,

I’m a sloppy drunk but I don’t care,
I’ll stumble my way home to you every night if you’ll let me.

- S.G.

I don’t know where to begin,
I cut holes in my skin again

I press down my fingers to break open
the scabs when I see you smile
so I don’t get ahead of myself in thinking
I could feel good someday too

there’s red stains on all my favourite clothes

my period thrills me to no end,
dear mother nature, I wish I could
bleed every day of the month,

I’m a good ****,
I’m a tease,
I’m a corpse walking

I’m rotting flesh hanging off a meat hook,

and nothing turns me on more than these
fantasies of the barrel of a gun massaging
the back of my throat like **** in my mouth,

blood spray on the walls, dripping down my
neck and pooling on the floor like ***,

I want to lay in the wet spot and let my
eyes roll back into my skull, face-******
one final time by a revolver

- S.G.

Walking down an alley with you
We talked about China’s one child law
and the flaws of procreation

I admitted I had intrusive thoughts
and nightmares about hurting children
and how it scares me

we both got quiet

I couldn’t breathe so we sat down,
I don’t know why I said that, I’m just
tired of living alone in my fear,

My hands used to create life
And beautiful things, now
they just shake and destroy
like they’re wired all wrong,

my brain misfires and
shatters everything I love,

I should be quarantined,
put away forever,
I should be dead.

- S.G.