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If
There is no doubt about it:
You have always loved me.
A leonine love.
A love that swells in the womb and the heart
From the very first twinkle in the eye.

Hit play.

Your eyes are swampish,
Mistrustful and marinated in cheap wine,
Shot through with blood, preserved in your own saltwater.
Those alligator eyes
That watch your girls,
Watch your girls board a train and draw away
Into the rest of their lives.
Leaving you stewing in twelve years’ worth of regret.

Years ago,
I used to pinch your forearms -
Watch the skin crepe up
Between my four year old fingers.
Thin blood. Tired skin.
Silently you eat your breakfast of pills and toast at the kitchen counter.
Throw in a horrid hacking cough to remind us you’re still here.
You always write everything down.
As if to tattoo it into your memory.

If you’ve locked the door behind you, it’ll be alright.
If you’ve got half a bottle left.
If you’ve left no trace on the bathroom carpet.
If you’ve woken up in the morning.
You can feel my eyes watching you.

You spend your days watching
Daytime TV, eating salad cream sandwiches and
Hit the bottle at a safe distance from noon.
Safe enough.
Your lipsticks have gone stale,
Now it’s porous skin, sweat stains, grey hair.
I find you poring over bank statements and local newspapers.
Scouring for a job, you say,
And clippings of your daughters
At school functions, clasping exam results.
You keep them in a cereal box that we covered in paint
Age five. We’re in double figures now.
I get drunk on weeknights.

Rewind.

Hold me.
Ball of flesh and screams
And you’ve got your whole life ahead of you.
i grew up in a room with movie posters and glow in the dark butterflies, drawing faces on the walls with chalk, and never straying far from my kingdom of bed sheets and pillow cases.

you grew up praying to god that the thing you called your family wouldn't break like everyone else's had, and hoping that the places you traced your fingers over in your dusty atlas actually existed.

but your dysfunctional family did break, and your 3rd grade teacher told you that those far off destinations were real, but that it was unlikely you would ever get to see them all.

i grew up on historical fiction, penny boards and rock and roll. My only god was springsteen, and i held faith in the belief that i truly was "born to run."

you were raised on pick up trucks, bluegrass tunes, and the moonshine that your father turned to after a hard day at work. you were destined for a life full of nothing and clocks stuck at 2:59.

happiness had always come bearing sticks and stones and run down chevrolets, and all the rain signified was that it was time to open your grey umbrella again.

you only ever saw me in black and white, and i've always believed that i speak the language of loss far more fluently than most people i know.
Trying so hard
to straighten things out,
straighten myself out.
to untie,
unravel,
untangle.
all of the knots
in my stomach and
in my chest.
Life
is always leaving me a mess
leaving me broken
leaving me tired.
I'm sick of trying
to untie,
unravel,
untangle.
all of these
stupid
knots.
I'm going out and get something.
I don't know what.
I don't care.
Whatever's out there, I'm going to get it.
Look in those shop windows at boxes
and boxes of Reeboks and Nikes
to make me fly through the air
like Michael Jordan
like Magic.
While I'm up there, I see Spike Lee.
Looks like he's flying too
straight through the glass
that separates me
from the virtual reality
I watch everyday on TV.
I know the difference between
what it is and what it isn't.
Just because I can't touch it
doesn't mean it isn't real.
All I have to do is smash the screen,
reach in and take what I want.
Break out of prison.
South Central *****'s newly risen
from the night of living dead,
but this time he lives,
he gets to give the zombies
a taste of their own medicine.
Open wide and let me in,
or else I'll set your world on fire,
but you pretend that you don't hear.
You haven't heard the word is coming down
like the hammer of the gun
of this black son, locked out of this big house,
while ***** looks out the window and sees only smoke.
***** doesn't see anything else,
not because he can't,
but because he won't.
He'd rather hear me talking about mo' money,
mo' honeys and gold chains
and see me carrying my favorite things
from looted stores
than admit that underneath my Raider's cap,
the aftermath is staring back
unblinking through the camera's lens,
courtesy of CNN,
my arms loaded with boxes of shoes
that I will sell at the swap meet
to make a few cents on the declining dollar.
And if I destroy myself
and my neighborhood
"ain't nobody's business, if I do,"
but the police are knocking hard
at my door
and before I can open it,
they break it down
and drag me in the yard.
They take me in to be processed and charged,
to await trial,
while Americans forget
the day the wealth finally trickled down
to the rest of us.
From the minute I saw you,
I wanted to have you.
Love was in the air,
That I thought I would dare.

I wanted to hold you in my arms
Just about everyday of the week,
Just as I love to kiss you even on your cheek
‘Till you are sleek

It was hard for me
To see what you see in me,
That makes up who I am to be,
That you open my treasure with your key.

I love how you stand by me
Always looking up towards me,
Because you are my guardian angel
I will become your fallen angel.

I love you more than every breath I take,
I know what would be of me if I made a mistake.
I will love you until my soul parts away,
Feel undeniable love up in heavens way.

Angels fallen from up above were sent,
I know faith brought your descent.
I shall abide all from hell to protect thee,
For you find what was hidden in me.
Avarious Ignis Ragnarok 01/05/10
these days it seems
that every time i sit
i want to run

and every time i get up
i just want to go back to bed

i lie in my bed at night
just itching to get out
with nowhere to go,

and i think of you
all of you

the people i hurt
the ones who hurt me

and no matter how much i cry
the tears won't stop
and no matter how many
lights are on
it's still
pitch
black
When tunes jigged nimbler than the blood
And quick and high the bows would prance
And every fiddle string would burst
To catch what’s lost beyond the string,
While half afraid their children stood,
I saw the old come out to dance.
The heart is not so light at first,
But heavy like a bough in spring.
Completely I am
Alone. Destroyed by the things
I have loved. Alone.
Long cold nights
Lonely old sights
The candle that once
Kept me warm and alive
Is now nothing but
A lump of wax

Nothing to see outside the window
But a rain of snow
There is nothing to hear
Except for the howl of the wind
No more birds chirping
Only wolves howling

Winter is coming
A very long sad winter
A winter that would freeze time
A winter with no light
A winter that would send
A shiver up your spine

I am trapped in my room
Nothing but a book as a friend
A thin blanket as a haven
Tall shadows as my company
Heavy cold air as my atmosphere
This is a long winter
Here we go, winter solstice. My very first wintery poem. Comments? Would be appreciated.
Welcome to the thought.
Simple and secure,
Wrought in reclusivity,
Hidden behind hardness,
Passed over by people,
Never entrusted,
Minuscule and mighty,
Full of feeling and flight
Barely brought to a heel.

You know.

How could you not?
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