spring to summer
summer to fall
i long for a something to hold on to
something unchanging
yet all around me is moving
i am down a rabbit hole
of change
and yet i am still the same

i look for you still
in my work
the men i see
the things i love
youre there
for you were everything to me
and you still are
i see you
the first thing in my mind when i wake
and the last when i rest
your everything
my everything

my heart is full of so much love
yet where does it go when theres no outlet
nobody, nothing, nowhere
to receive such love
for i know where it goes
once bottled up
it turns into anger
raw
exposed anger
almost as strong as my love
almost.

misty eyes staring back at mine
shes just like me
everything i hate
a true embodiment of pain
she shows me what's wrong with herself
i agree
she's hideous
disgusting girl
i reach out to hit her
yet i only feel the glass on my knuckles

water turns to *****
playdates turn to parties
bodies turn to the enemy
selfies turn to nudes
sunscreen turns to makeup
sleepovers turn to sneaking out
love turns to lust
didn't we want to grow up?

peach to red to white
the colors change each night
but oh,
how i long for the white
on my skin
in my heart
the lines are my life
yet they fade

i've started to believe love isn't real
for it is only a concept created
to distract from your self
the broken shell
fragments
you are left as
a gust of wind
sweeping away your senses
your soul
what is love?
two souls that once connected cannot be separated.

1 for i am like a bird in a cage
2 every time i attempt to fly your bars smack me back down
3 the shackles of your ¨love¨ hold me down with a rough embrace
But the sound of your anger, so much harsher
4 freedom so close i can taste it
5 as cooped up as bruce in the kitchen crate
A scared small puppy
6 but i was never really free, not even close
7 yet i long to fly, more than anything
8 yolo, so i try
9 but maybe my wings were never meant to fly after all
10 for we only gave you wings for them to be chained
11 the twisted chains of childhood hold me down from my future
12 i am as free as germany 1942
13 i long to soar like i once could, for now i'm stuck
14 little bear is still hibernating, waiting for the eternal winter to come to an end
15 one day, soon, i will fly
Soar above my chains
Not soon enough.
16 my chains can be loving, tender, they ¨protect¨ me
17 you tell me i'm not meant to be free
Not yet
Not ever
18 тук е мястото, където трябва да бъдеш
19 the cage whispers sweet words
20 you are my cage, my chains, my parents

when asked
the man or the bear
no hesitation is needed
the bear
the bear takes my body
for it is necessary
not for its own sick
twisted desire
the bear leaves me to rot
become one with the soil once again
not use my body
until i am no longer me

once i sat down
and the cat followed
now its everywhere i go
longing to sit once again
i fall into its arms
once im down
the cat lays on me
the sense of security i longed for
the peace
the simplicity
the comfort
the cat brings with it once its down
yet i cant stay like this forever
they say
so i get up
but im pulled back down
every time i try
the cat now has its grasp on me.

like a fire on a cold winters day
the warm blood seeps
from my leg
from my arm
reminding me
i am human
i am alive
the warmth is comfort
when all is cold
the blood is my own

i no longer see myself
for when i look
i see you
your piercing blues
staring at me
in my face
in my mind
words never able to be unsaid
in my eyes
your eyes