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I never lost my virginity
At the age of 19
To a boy who promised
That it will not hurt
I never bled
I never bit my lips
I never cried

I never slept with a writer,
Musician, chemist,
An engineer or even a *******
I never tried a pregnancy test kit
I am not scared
Of those two red lines

I never loved my best friend
Or those strangers
Who painfully ripped my body
I love those stains
Of a long forgotten past
Embedded on crumpled sheets  

I was never molested
When I was 5 or so
It was just a game
I never cursed that night
I never hated my brother

I want men to crave for me
I never wanted their affection
I don’t want to ******* **** them
On streets in the middle of the night
With cat calls

I am not depressed
I love my scars
I never took ******
Just to sleep at night
Or wept in the middle of nowhere

I am a strong woman
I am not damaged
I ******* hate this life
It’s too beautiful for someone like me  

This is not a poem
Of a broken girl
I am okay.
I wanna live.
I am not a liar.

A happy girl
Wrote this
Waiting for her prince charming
To free this damsel in distress
From the tower of anguish
And to live happily ever after
These are memories not to be told. Even the random words spilled across these sheets.
You and that night are strangers to me. I am trapped in a labyrinth of anger, vengeance, and disgust— I can still feel the weight of your body, how your lips created small sounds as it landed on my skin. A punishment I did not deserved. A game I should have not played. I hated the moon for it silenced my screams that wanted to say everything. Unknowingly, you killed me that night. You took away a parcel of my childhood. Ever since then, I was not myself anymore. And my body is now a mere vessel for a broken soul.
Lately, I have been waking up to nightmares— surfacing from the bottom of piled boxes of forgotten memories. I want to keep running away. Even my feet are bleeding. I always look up at the stars above hoping that they would soon take me. But I am just nobody.
On at the other side of the world, a little girl is crying. Her hands are trembling with fear. Someone has devoured her body. And yet, she is still alive. And a boy next door is banging his head on the floor boards. Blood is dripping and dogs are barking.
A man hides a knife in his pocket as he knocks on his daughter’s room, calling her name softly. A group of boys holding a girl they just picked up on the streets. Showering her with wet kisses in exchange for buying the strings of sampaguitas in her naïve hands.
A wife clutches the sheets of the bed as her husband slides inside her. She sees his eyes as the color of the rose he had given her on their first anniversary. She no longer knows the man on top of her. She bites her lower lip to keep herself from weeping. She is in her sixth month of pregnancy.
He looks up at his hanging body. They’ve been together for six years. And he doesn’t what went wrong. The church says it’s a sin to have relations with the same ***. Society despised them as if they were mere dirt in this world.
A college girl lies in an unknown clinic with a woman standing beside her. She is surrounded by bottles with fetuses inside. Her boyfriend cheated on her. Her family is waiting at the dining table staring at her vacant chair.
All these are happening all over the world. You are not alone with the struggle. Keep holding on.
Mom, I wanna go home
Open the door to your daughter
Don’t say anything
If I look like a mess
Prepare the bathtub
I have to wash away
All these touches and kisses
From those strangers
Who made me their graveyard
But no matter how I rub
It seems to live inside my skin
Mom, I wanna go home
Without the tinge of alcohol
In my dress
Smell of smoke that crawled
In my hair
Blood shot eyes
And a missing underwear
Mom, I wanna go home
Leave this life in the city
Crowded of lonely people
To see the fireflies
In our mango tree
To cross the old bridge
And afternoon naps
With the music of cicadas
And the feeling of lying
Against the bamboo floor
Mom, I wanna go home
To get rid of bed sheets
And used condoms
With stains of my period
Moans not from tickling sensations
But cries of a miserable heart
Mom, I wanna go home
To escape the nightmares
Of **** lullabies
Of lit cigarette
Of men who bled for my body
Mom, where are you?
Where is home?
I couldn’t find my way back
Please help me.

— The End —