through the spaces
between
curling flowers
and a lattice framed
yellowing
fence

i could see them

i could watch them

every
day

the barbeques
slamming of doors
pool parties
birthdays
late nights
x rated

the loudness of it all
left me panting
for more
&
living vicariously
through their lives

you are right to not believe

for you
the silent cries
that carry into the night
do not existence the volume
of your tv is adjusted
& everything becomes
a mute apparition
illuminated
but not heard.

you are right not to believe

for you
the sounds of gunshots
are the popping of fire crackers
after holiday barbecues
& the screams
come from parades of people
cajoling down side streets.

you are right not to believe

for you
the only hanging you know
exists in laundry whites
bleached towels are a must
for wiping hands
clean
& unstained
from the bloodied bodies
of loved ones.

you are right not to believe

for you
the world doesn't exist
beyond these bordered white picket fences
& bakes sales
until your mexican comes
to clean

suburbia
when will you realize
the war to be fought
runs beyond 5’o clock rush hour
& taking away your son’s ps4?

when i’m away from you
this ******
that i've had
waiting

with its wrapper edges
so neatly folded up
makes a good
ashtray

now, if only i smoked

i may be jump starting
into a fast play here
but this ain't no ordinary game
i’m playing,
i ain't got no geechee tricks
up my sleeves
or a curve ball in sight,
with you
it’s just me and my straight pitch

so imma throw it to ya
like this

i’ve been traveling
across the court
waiting for you
to be wide open
for me to free throw
this to you

i love you
man

did you see that pass?
that shot i made
all the way
from half court?
you gonna
catch it &
come over here
slam dunk it
like i want you to
or let these words
rebound off your chest
like a third rate player
with uncoordinated hands?

cause right now
its the third down
in the last quarter
baby
& you still don’t see
how much yardage
you have gained
&
I'm still waiting
for you to
intercept me

dontcha know,
i wanna do
more than
just sack you?

but
don’t get it twisted
this isn’t some obsessed
lovesick fan
aching & destined
to show up
at your door
like a groupie
unannounced
cause
i’m not about to chase you
this ain’t track &
i don’t run after nothing
that can’t catch up to me
first

but ****, don’t you know
i’ve got words for you papi
like goaaaalllll
& oyeeee
i might let you play
in my centerfield
but only if you can come
kick it hard enough

i wanna know
how do you
wanna
play this game?

i hear
you say my name
and from your lips
it falls
like petals from flowers
landing
softly on my ears
every time

i want to sit in
Buenos Aires
drink coffee
till i am as wired
as the skyline
at midnight

i never sleep anyway

i want to kiss strangers
fake-ly
like they were my friends
i lost somewhere
but recently found

i need new friends

i want to tango
with a white Patagonia
rose
clenched in my teeth
while my clenched *******
rise and fall
to the beat of the waves
in my water bra

i never had lessons anyway

i want Argentina
full of faux marble
dance hall floors,
scuffed shoes, burned beans
and fish markets full of thorny
roses

i need to feel full

my friend al
calls me every night
midnight to be exact
with invites to the maryland club,
you know the one, near hudsons bay
where johnny walkers always playing that old drum?

come he says
& we can dance with martini & rossi
baila baila on table tops
while jose cuervo
plays his cuban guitar.

aye yae yae mami,
venga, venga!
come
let me show you the comforts
of southern hospitality

it will only cost you one silver dollar

i try to say no
absolutely not

cause the last time i danced with al
i found myself lying in the arms of ron bacardi
at the old kentuky tavern down by the green river
ooh, he was soo smooth talking
standing there dressed in his red label shoes
& when he told me i felt like black velvet,
handed me four roses
& tickled me with three feathers
i found myself with my
backside to the ground
& me looking up at nothin but skyy
& by the time i knew what was going on
we had done it 151 times
before jack daniels caught us
behind mr. boston's house
& when he swore
he’d tell my old grand dad
i was so scared,
i stole the white horse
that belonged to capitan morgan
just to get away.

lord knows to this day
if he knew
he’d slap me silly, take me to church
& swear the christian brothers
could save my soul.

no, i wanna say
absolutely not

but its too late

i’m already at the canadian club
where my soul is being ******
by the fat *******
filling my glass
with crushed grapes.

she's gotta have it

she's gotta have it
every morning
before she leaves

cause it gets her going\
she likes it

non stop
like running water\
she likes it
hot
as a summers night

so sweat can drain down her sides slowly
like rain down warm glass\

she's gotta have it
bittersweet & strong

cause she loves the way it feels\
creamy & smooth
against her lips
titillating her body
caressing her heart

rousing it to beat rhythmically

it's the only thing on her mind when she wakes
to reach over
&
take it all in


that hot
thick
black
coffee

if a kiss is worth a thousand words
then with you,
i could talk all night/
converse bilingually/ fluently
we could discuss
the french riviera in spring time
& how lovers stroll through the park
singing/ a clair d’lune
or
you could be don juan
under a window enveloped
in flowers of red/ serenade me
with your spanish tounge
& sweet smile
while the mariachi band plays
amor/   but
if a kiss is really worth
a thousand words
then we could talk
in a language of our own
cause your lips
seem to understand mine/
talking to me/  softly touching
/smoothly matching
like a missing link
making a conversation with you
worthwhile
where words are never wasted
but always well spoken
& unrehearsed/

i like the way you speak to me
black man
so come to me
with your lips
so eloquent & full/
tell me your dreams
whisper me your secrets
in a mellow tone of kisses/
come/
i am listening
& with a kiss
i will answer

so they say
love
is better the second time around
&
its a lot like
going in for seconds
when you already know
how the first dish tasted
but
you just can’t get enough
so
you head back
for more

i wonder
if you’re as good
as my second plate
of saag paneer
i’ve been working on
for the last half hour
knowing i’m too full
to continue
but willing to stuff myself completely
for the sake of
feeling
complete
& utter fulfillment
of you

Nights in Aleppo
come without warning
never letting you sleep
the fear of the unknown
is too strong
so your dreams are as restless
as the florescent orange lights
illuminating the dark sky

Nights in Aleppo
come without warning
covering you
with a clouded shroud of dust
which suddenly ebbs hope away
like the hazy fading light of the moon

Nights in Aleppo
come without warning
creating a dark silence
that chokes you
thicker than smoke
from a Buchenwald chimney
until the screams and cries
are heard no more

Every Sunday
we watch football together
& while we yell at the plays
I wonder,
when are you gonna let me
gain some yardage on you?

Every Sunday
You yell,
That fool could have scored!
& while I look at you
I say to myself
Yes, you sure could have by now,
but like that quarterback
you move too slow
I wonder,
why are we still playing
on separate teams
when we like the same game?

You’re such a fool

If only you knew
how badly
I'd like to tackle you
& convert these last 2 points
by letting you hang
Between my goal posts
rush my endzone
and make the best
touchdown of your life

Tell me,
Can we huddle?
Can we discuss
this repetitive play
we keep pretending
we aren't playing?

Meet me at the
50 yard line
Of your bed

Let's scrimmage
man

who will help me
the poor black soul
that the world has abandoned
like lost mail they
did not return for?

& so i wait
& watch the world
day after day
get on with their lives
freely & unscathed
with the only ticket needed
their white skin
leaving mine
stamped invalid
& destined to turn
blood red
from brown

The only walls I want are the ones separating the rooms in my house. You know, the ones that divide my rooms and let me know if I'm cooking here,  Netflix and chilling there or simply just sleeping undisturbed .

The only walls I'm interested in are the ones separating the rooms in my house. You know the ones that divide my rooms and let me know this is the space where my daughter plays, this is the space where my husband prays five times a day, this is the space where I wash the grit of the day from my ***** clothes.

The only walls I'm interested in are the ones separating the rooms in my house.  You know the ones that divide my rooms and let me know this is the space where I entertain my friends, the space where I try to Zumba and loose the college 10 that turned into the adult  30, the space where all the corners join and then disappear behind my Christmas tree, where those four corners blend to support the tired leanings of my immigrant family after stuffing their bellies full of my freshly made tamales and leftover pernil

So unless you're taking the tired, the poor, the hungry and building them a respite inside of walls that separate homes, inside of walls that gives shelter, that tell we belong and are safely home
then I have no interest in anymore walls
unless
the wall you build divides you from us the way bathroom walls should keep **** contained to keep your stench from poisoning U.S. and the rest of the house.

Now that is the only wall I can agree on.

I have ran
jumped
hurdled
over every obstacle
you have set before me
except
i love you

with those three words
I run
like a track star
because I am afraid
if you catch me
you will see
my weakness
of how I will struggle
to be set free
not from you
but from
how dependent
on your love
I have
become

i watch you in the livingroom

how beautiful your feet in boots
your thighs in those faded jeans
your biceps in that blue shirt
& as you reach and bend
i’m passion struck

if you knew
your body is a dinner bell
that invites me
to want to taste you
& your kiss
makes music play
deep in the bass
of my hips
would you
kiss me
till Calloway's band
brought the house down
dance with me
till i couldn't catch my breath
strum your fingers
on my strings
till my legs trembled
to open up
and let you in

would you come to me then?

You think
I love you
a little bit
you tell me

And I freeze,
a small deer in headlights
I am

I think, yes
I'm guilty as charged
And I know I should move
I should say something so I'm not judged wrongly
But I lawyer up, not commenting and plead the 5th instead

Your honor,
Where in the hell
were these words plastered
for you to read oh so well?

I swore
I kept them hidden
in an unpublished manuscript
somewhere...
Unless my eyes
leaked it to the press
Because
they've always been
that one neighborhood snitch
that talks too much
& gives me away
at the very sight of you
every
****
time

You love me
just a little
you say

I can feel
you really
want to know

But I said no,
Perjuring myself
& breaking your resolve

You see my heart
wasn't quite ready then
To be published
front page
& fully available
in stores for purchase.

I keep thinking one day
I will be able to muster up the words
I love you
and say them
directly, to your real face


but until then
this photograph
will have to do
cause
in your presence
I stammer and stumble
over the simplest of phrases
leaving my feelings looking like
a drunken cad
walking down the street
with my words
staggering at my feet
unable to be put
one in front of the other
& finally me
ending with my heart
passed out at your doorstep
cause my sense of sobriety
always fails me
around you.

You say
Talk to me

And I say
how I love love love
The way you make me laugh until my sides hurt
And so many tears
come from my eyes
I could quench the entire Sahara

I say
How I love love love
to look at you
like a priceless Monet
Just cause
You're that beautiful
To me

Then I say
Just how many ways
That
I love love love that familiar space
You know, the one
In the crook of your arms
where I fit snugly
Like the last missing piece to a puzzle

I say
How I love love love
the way your kisses
make my toes curl back
faster than an over stretched spring
Recoiling
And how spooning
with you
is all the security blanket
That this one girl  needs

Then I say
how I'm going to I look up
and tell
How much I am beginning
to love love
you

till you say
Talk to me

And I say
About what
Cause
all my words
They've  faded
As if they were tiny grains of sand
Washed away
From the shore,
slowly

You see,
these words
They're there
Inside my head
Speaking out
So loudly
You just can't hear me say

So Instead  
I say some corny joke
Make small talk
To mask my awkward speech
&
break the silence

How bout them Texans?!
Boy, this Sunday
they really did score....

You said I love you
and with just three words
silence crept into the phone
like the aftermath of an tsunami
& caused my shell to crack
like the earth under a powerful wave
& the ocean to drag me out
drowning me
into a sea of proverbial bliss

would you like to make love tonight
underneath the coolness of blue city lights
in the warmness of this dark room
where i might only kiss
you
till our lips can’t tell the kisser from the kiss
& our tounges entangle to become one
like the time all we did was kiss
here
we could begin to make love

would you like to make love tonight
while dizzy’s band plays the blues
you could hear it
& play  a melody of your own
with me in the warmness of this dark room
where i wanna make love
with you

darling give me your hands
place yourself inside my melody
till music flows from it
like running water & i
drown you with tunes so sweet
you sing my name
acapella

tell me
would you like to make love tonight
by the flicker of a candlelit flame
& have our shadows dance together
across the room
until we come
faster than the A train back to harlem

you know
ellington never played music
as sweet as mine

can you hear it?
wouldn’t you like to?
i’m playing it for you.

there's a memory of you
that lives
& breathes within me
like a good drug
it flows
through my veins

i remember you,
warm & brown
& how your supple lips
invited me to dine
every night
until about a quarter past 3

you my beloved
filled my summer nights
& days
to such an extent
that i still quiver
involuntarily

i remember

your lips
were the kind meant
for kissing
always
slightly parted
& beckoning a kiss
i wished i could
try out on myself
first
just to see
if it was good enough
for you

i remember you
artful dodger

do you remember me?

Sometimes yellow is light and soft
like a down pillow or a fluffy kitten.
Sometimes yellow is bright and sharp
like the sour taste of orange juice
or  cool like the crispness felt in the first fall breeze
Sometimes yellow can be inviting
like the perfect temperature of a warm shower
or it can be dark muddy and bland
like the taste of blended mashed cold peas
but most of the time
yellow is silent
it is a morning without sound
that breaks
only with the slow introduction of birds
chirping
one
by
one

we are an enigma
like a jigsaw
& i
am perplexed
by our movements
in this dance we do

its so
tango like

i run
&
you chase

until i turn
wanting to get caught
but you
pull back
the way a long distant
night waltzes
into obscurity
only deciding
to reappear
the next morning
yelling "wait!"
but
the track star
that i am
has sprinted
so far gone
with heart in hand
that i don't hear you

or at least maybe
i pretend not to

tell me
how long will we
continuously swerve
away from each other
like two cars colliding
too afraid of wrecking
each others emotional walls?

this waltz
in which we dance
around each other
has become
an unpragmatic
silent torment
to us both

lets meringue
or even bachata
baila
baila
conmigo now
spice it up a bit
lets salsa
come on
pull
me
close
cause at some point
all music changes
&
dances eventually
come to an end

boys were fun
for a while

with their tousled hair
flopping freely
like wilted flowers
over eyes
that peered
just enough
through the cracks
at me
like a scared child
to make you want to go
and pull them through

boys were fun
for a while

kissing different ones
was like eating
an assortment
of creme filled chocolates
never knowing
what i was going to get
till the end

like an italian gelatto
on a hot day
some were
sweet & refreshing
while others
burned me
like bitter herbs
leaving a bad taste
in my mouth


& i
like a plant in the desert
freshly rained on
didn’t realize
how dry
my needs were
until i met you

now
i no longer
go out to play
cause
you placed
my expectations
so high
that
like a cat stuck in
the tallest tree
i’ve been unable to bring them
down since

you should, my love

let me have you

in good taste

naked

strip you

peice by peice

down if you please

to where your beauty is

exposed

i would have you

laid back

against the earth, tree branch & sky



you should, my love

let me take you

in good taste

into myself

inch by inch

drop by drop

i want the sweetness

that you are

let me mount you,

celebrate you

with the nectar of madness

unbridled & unrestrained



you’ll see then

& in very good taste

how your body shivers

with delight & turns

under my tongue of fire

while my floodwalls

break & overflow

to cool your desire

i'd like to spend a night with you
without armor, covering
without  distance, separating

i'd like to spend a night with you
without obscurity, muting
without silence, encroaching  

i'd like to take down these walls
that cling, like some strange disease
and cause me to bleed

i'd like openness and clarity
to approach me  
to embrace me
and allow me
to be cured
finally

i don't want to look like
aunt rosa's grandmother
who no longer wears
a bra
but a ***** sling
a holster
built strong enough
to keep boulders
from dropping out
the sky

every morning
she would
bend over and
pour herself a D cup
then
lock them tightly
on the third rail
and pray that the
2 convicts
didn't take flight
in the middle of
the day

i try to prevent
gravity from
stealing
the perkiness
my lover loves
every time i take a deep breath
and they point guiltily at him
but
no matter how much
support i've crossed
my heart with
gravity
pulls and stretches
my new bra
till the straps
tether  and my cups
runneth over
spilling onto
on to the reality
of the hard
cold floor

53 cents
i found in a dusty corner
once
i found underneath a sock
a spider dead
smothered
i found on top a box
an old report card
hiding
i found next to a shoe
some old cracked photos
curling
i found behind the vent
a wooden toy
dry rotting
i found between dresses
this boogeyman
cowering
&
myself
concealed

i know you
your eyes tell your secrets to me
& when your eloquent lips
touch mine
they speak
in a language
that only i can understand

you have a strength that overwhelms
inner beauty that mystifies
& a peace that fills my soul

you are bronze, beautiful
& irrepressibly mine

but when you are weary,
i will give you rest
quench your thirst for compassion
& dry your tears with my kisses
for this woman knows
the remedy to your troubled heart
& dispirited soul


black man,
i understand your pain
& this is what i have to offer

so come,
when troubles are heavy laden
come
lay your head upon my *****
& i will be your strength
when you are weak

i'm sorry that the first breath i bring into this world
is one deep filled with pollution
corruption
fear
& the deep raging of man

i'm sorry that you can't revel in your nakedness
without the piercing of a perverts eye
or the prodding of a Catholics lance
and that you have to grow up, an Amazon
fiercely protecting your innocence
from those wanting to beat against it
until it resembles
the tattered skin
of a well worn drum

i’m sorry that the acceptance of self
is illusionary
in terms of cosmo stars wafer thin and skeletal
and that your identity
will be lost in sizes real women don't exist in
and isn’t in the way
real men are actually perceived

i'm sorry that the meaning of friends
will often turn into the meaning enemies
who start rumors
turning you into a ***** to be shunned
while your virginity is vilely forgotten
in the backseat of a make-believe van
or that falsities will lie in telling you
being a man doesn't extend
beyond the six inches
you hold at night

i can't apologize enough for the things you will find
lacking in others
and the sad absence of esteem
that will slowly ebb away from yourself
like dehydrated flowers in the sun
from ****** of bullies needling,
seeing the popping of pills,
dodgin the shattering of bullets,
or the repetitive
gulluting
purging
gulluting of food
and yes even from love, unprotected

i apologize you will have to learn
that high school will be a social prison
****** privy from your open grasp
and stripping you of your identity
by barring you of expressive freedom
forcing you into cliquish nightmares
to survive for protection

i'm sorry that you may come to know
what parenthood is before i have yet
to figure it out
or that when it is time to venture
into the world alone
that college will be a constant search for self
because what defines you will change
daily based on the opinion of others

i’m sorry you will learn
even as an adult that all men are not honest
and that you will be revered
as an object
to be had and not held
as an object
to be acquired and conquered
then quickly forgotten.

i apologize that your life will not be
the fairytale promised to you
and that the ethics and morals
instilled will be something
you're challenged to swallow
more than the daily bread and wine
you eat and drink

i would hope that you would know
you are more than the game you play
that your brain extends beyond the passing of a ball
and that the easy way to the top is not
by climbing into bed
falling flat on your back

i am sorry that
until you are old or i am dead
i must keep a sharp eye and a constant tight grasp
only to prevent you from running head first
into the world and cracking it
upon every wall  presented to you

forgive me for making me show you
the difference between
right and wrong
**** and love
honesty and duplicity
strength and weakness
sound principalities and ill gotten gains

i am sorry that
that when you get my age
crows feet will fall from the sky
and land on your face
gravity will pull at your skin
till it swings like pendulums
in the late time of your life
and that pink ribbons will
no longer belong
in your hair
but over your *******

forgive me but i must tell you
not to succumb to the *******
of a doctors tool
but to relish in your old age
knowing that it is your reward
and only proof
that you lived long
and loved hard

i’m sorry that out of my brief moment of pleasure
my ****** brings you into a world filled with so much pain

how selfish of me

but to think that maybe
just maybe
you came into this world
knowing my good intentions
and maybe
the first breath i bring into this world
will be one deep filled with purity
candor
valor
& the deep raging for equality

and that maybe
just maybe
my ******
finally did something right
after all

i am trying

to explain

your kisses

to myself

but

your kisses

are like

tiny bits

of strawberry candy

to me

& even after the point

of finding out

how many licks it takes

I could still **** on them

all

day

long

i want to tell you
i love you
but the words
escape me
like a freed convict
who has disappeared into the night
leaving my feelings
arrested instead.

i do not understand
how three words
can be
hard as cement
and lay
stuck in my throat
like Excalibur
in stone
unable to be
pulled out,
even by you

i don't dare admit
my
feelings

i am an alcoholic
in denial
when it come to
how addicted i am
to you

i don’t have much, really

cept a few old lp’s from chicago

78’s from motown

& cd’s that play the blues

but

if all you wanted

was to boogiepophipfandangle

& snap your fingers

to you, I’d give

to see you smile & dance



cause you see,

i don’t have much, really

cept some poems bout love

& if you wanted to be

cereano & serenade another

to you, i’d give

to see you happy & loved



& although i don’t have

the riches of a king

or eloquent words

to pluck your hearts strings

what little i do have

to you, i’d give



i’m ruddy brown

& poor as a beggar's heart

who like a scratched record

stutters occasionally

whenever you’re around

because all i have to offer

is love

what is this
tingle
between my
toes
that rises up
into shock waves
just from
your heat
and it’s
got me feeling some kinda way
****
you
for taking your words
and twisting them up
into my underwear
which mishappendly
fell to the floor
the moment you touched
me
and i swear i don’t know how
they got there
**** you
for making me remember
this feeling
i’m used to being so numb
that i have forgotten
how to react to feeling
this feeling some kinda way

****
you
for being here oh so late
but oh so on time

do you remember
when
the world shut me out?

how quick we forget, now

when i was four
and they threw
sand in my eyes
& me out of the box
i cried so hard
i couldn't see
and you still told me
i was too special
for them to see
what they're missing

i'm blind to you, now
when
i was chubby
8th grade
and no one else
loved me
you still told me
how beautiful
i was
and that you
would always
see me that way

how ugly am i to you, now

when i was purple
haired and fifteen
you bailed me out of jail
you still told me
even if i was wrong
you could never leave me
there

you bail on me, now

when i got stood up
you took me to prom
anyway
you still told me
i will always
be there for you
especially when
others won't

you stand me up, now

do you remember
how proud you were
when you still told me
ill always be
your child

somehow
i must be adopted, now

i may be pregnant
i may be gay
i may be high
i may be sick
i may be dying

but,
i am still yours

do you remember
when
the world shut me out?

how quick we forget.

all i want
is a philly cheese steak
not the kind from penn station
but the real ones
from joes
you know,
on 42nd street
where miles
and monk
are played on the corner
by sax mills
and for a dime
you can hear it
loud as the honking horns
blowing in time with the bustling street
while men wearing black bow ties
try to sell me bean pies
allah for a dollar

yeah,
there is where i go
after the grill has been
used all day
and the grease is caked up
like layered pastries
cause that's when they taste best
smothered in onions
and provolone cheese
thicker than
a baby wrapped in a winter blanket

yeah man,
this is my daily bread

some nights
i imagine
my hands are yours
cupping my *******
while i sleep
& sometimes
they slide
downwards
moving my thighs
& separating the space
between my reality
making it so hazy
that sometimes
i scream my own name
because now
i’m you

& he left

at 6 in the morning
like a cat burglar
stealing blue shirts, red striped ties
& stuffing my belongings in Calvin's underwear

well they was mine
till he left

smelling sour
from last night
but sweet from my perfume
with his fat ashy black feet
in grey & white socks

i guess it didn't bother him
they was mismatched
when he left

on a grey Sunday morning
i recall
the rain slid down the pane
the same way he did
outta bed
outta the door  
outta my life

quiet & slow
like a baby breathing
as he left

he swished his mouth out
with cheap champagne
closed the door
like a good novel
with reserve
& without sound

he left

i never was very good
at sharing things
meant to be mine
even as a child
i would hide my things
& guard them
like a pirates treasure
just to keep others
from walking away
with them

not that you
are another one of
my play things

but just the same
i dont want you
walking away
while holding my heat
in your hands

my heart
wasn't’ meant to be
shared and passed around
like an old tired joint
only to be lit
when you want to feel my high
to escape from
your life

& they stood round the hot crackling light,
drinking spirits & chanting celebrating praises all night
after catching a soul, wandering.
he was stripped & tied,
like an animal he laid
next to the tree,
a quivering bird

& they stood round the hot crackling light,
playing "Pin the Tail on the Monkey", with hot coals
as haunting laughter
chilled the hot southern air
blowing the scent of burnt flesh
& sweet magnolias everywhere

& they stood round the hot crackling light,
watching the thick, yellow braided snake coil their fears,
& stifle
what they had done
leaving him, black and hanging
like a cluster of bananas,
swinging & waiting to be cut
because
strange fruit
does rot

things that happen in my world
don't exist
not in reality
for instance
the absence of racism
exists
not in some, but all stores
where i have enough credit
to try what i want
to buy what i want
without being patrolled

i've never been to prison

i mean my world
is a place where i can be
myself
and the absence of prejudice
exists
not in some
but in all cultures
where i don't have to ride
the white picket fence by day
and jump into
the black skin of my life at night
just to get by

i'm tired of being two toned

in my world
things are different
and
the absence of comparisons
exist
individuality is recognized
and everything fits
not on some
but on all people
here my size
always remains the same
and my image isn't constantly challenged
by the cutouts of paper doll magazines

i never looked like a model

i really like it in my world
because here
underwear models
really are accessible to me
the plane jane i am
and not some
but all men really like getting
dressed up to take you
somewhere
besides McDonalds for a burger
and a neck-bone in the park
here, in this place
honesty exists
not in some, but in all people
it is inconceivable to lie
a virtue
ingrained at birth

i can't stand backstabbing

you cant say that my world
isn't a pleasant place
here
no one dies
violently
the absence of gunfire
exists and
drive bys of the
boys on the corner slinging slang
overdosed  and full of crazed maddening screams
don't float like an evil spirits
through my window at night
trying to possess me
for garage sale bought tv's
while blue and red sirens
illuminating my moonlit skies

i don't need the extra lights

myskin
#brown
#myblood
#red
#mylife
#twittered
#hashtagged
#andreduced

wanting to know
if its for him
that i still feel
he throws out
a line or two
to see if i'll bite
as if i were a mackerel
& he a cape cod fisherman

sometimes
i am a small carp
on a fisherman's strong hook
stuck
& i'm reeled back in
effortlessly

other times
i'm a mako shark
i struggle
i pull
i run
almost dragging him
into the black water
to drown with me

but he fights
relentlessly
reeling harder & harder
eventually
wearing me down
pulling my feelings
with his poetic words
out from the
cold depth of which
they've been submerged

& yes love, i do
is all i can say
for
i am still
a fish
out of
water
left
breathless
by his mere
presence alone

this razor

it flirts with my wrist
like an experienced man
that's too old for me
yet temps all my tendencies
for the taking anyway
making me wonder
if for the first time
will i feel it?

will it penetrate
and tear me apart
slow
spread me open wide
only to let my crimson droplets
Tap
Tap
Tap
bob ross like
& paint the white
linoleum floor?

boys were fun
for a while

with their tousled hair
flopping freely
like wilted flowers
over eyes
that peered
just enough
through the cracks
at me
like a scared child
to make you want to go
and pull them through

boys were fun
for a while

kissing different ones
has been like eating
an assortment
of creme filled chocolates
never knowing
what i was going to get
till the end

like an italian gelato
on a hot day
some have been
sweet & refreshing
while others
burned me
like bitter herbs
which left a bad taste
in my mouth

& i
like a plant in the desert
freshly rained on
didn't realize
how dry
my needs were
until i met you

now
i no longer
go out to play
with them
cause
you've placed
my expectations
so high
that
like a cat stuck in
the tallest tree
i’ve been unable to bring them
down since

on the street
where we live
the world that exists
beyond these 4 walls
doesn't dictate me
i am not
plastered
in a mold

my eyes
see beyond the line
of my neighbors back yard
my vision
is not fenced in
by the suburbia
that surrounds me
i can see
where we live now
is a place
where blood is shed
& flows
like armies of rivers
where rocks are shells
of mortar
hidden in the depths of sand
where
my ears hear
beyond my daughters laughter
the cries of a mother
left barren as the drought ridden land
as she stands
holding her last legacy
in her blood soaked hands.

i'm sorry that the first breath i bring into this world
is one deep filled with pollution
corruption
fear
& the deep raging of man

i'm sorry that you cant revel in your nakedness
without the piercing of a perverts eye
or the prodding of a Catholics lance
and that you have to grow up, a Amazon
fiercely protecting your innocence
from those wanting to beat against it
until it resembles the tattered skin
of a well worn drum
& that the acceptance of self
is illusionary
in terms of cosmo stars ******* thin and skeletal
your identity, lost in sizes real women don't exist in
or in the way real men aren’t really perceived

i'm sorry that the meaning of friends
will often turn into the meaning enemies
who start rumors that will turn you into a *****
to be shunned while your virginity is vilely forgotten
in the backseat of a make-believe van
or that they
will give you falsities telling you being a man
doesn't really extend beyond the six inches
you hold at night

i cant apologize enough for the things you will find
lacking in others
the sad absence of esteem
that will wilt them away
like dehydrated flowers in the sun
killing all those around you
from ****** of needles, popping of pills, shattering
of bullets, gulletting of food
and yes even  from love, unprotected.
i wish there, you did not have to learn
that high school will be
a prison barring you of your freedom
stripping you of your identity
and ****** privy from your open grasp

i'm sorry that you may come to know
what parenthood is before i have yet
to figure it out
or that when it is time to venture
into the world alone
that college will be a constant search for self
because what defines you will change
daily based on the opinion of others

there,
i wish you did not have to learn
all men are not honest
are not faithful
and that you will be revered
as an object to be had and not held
as an object to be acquired and forgotten.

i apologize that your life will not be
the fairytale promised to you
and that the ethics and morals
instilled will be something
your challenged to swallow
more than the
daily bread and wine
you eat and drink

i would hope that you would know
you are more than the game you play
your brain extends beyond the passing of a ball
and that the easy way to the top is not
flat on your back

i am sorry that
until you are old or i am dead
i must keep a sharp eye and a constant tight grasp
only to prevent you from running head first
into the world

forgive me for making me show you
the difference between
right and wrong
**** and love
honesty and duplicity
strength and weakness
sound principalities and ill gotten gains

i am sorry that
that when you get my age
crows feet will fall from the sky
and land on your face
gravity will pull at your skin
till it swings like pendulums
in the late time of your life
and that pink ribbons will
no longer belong
in your hair
but over your *******

forgive me but i must tell you
not to succumb to the *******
of a doctors tool
but to relish in your old age
knowing that it is your reward
and only proof
that you lived long
and loved hard


i’m sorry that out of my brief moment of pleasure
my ****** brings you into a world filled with so much pain

how selfish of me.

but to think that maybe
just maybe
you came into this world
knowing
and maybe
the first breath i bring into this world
will be one deep filled with purity
candor
valor
& the deep raging for equality

and that maybe
just maybe
my ******
finally did something right
after all.

somehow i kept all of your stuff
together
even though it was spread
en todos lugares
much like my feelings have been
some here
others a little bit over there
yet still ending
like these dishes
compacted
smashed
& broken
in one convenient place

somehow i kept all of your stuff
together
i even pieced it bit by bit
de todos lugares
carried it everywhere
intending to unpack
what now resembles
a tight jenga puzzle
shoved into my garage
from things never opened
from every move
my emotions just weren’t ready
to be the wrong box pulled
spilling everything onto the floor

somehow i kept all of your stuff
together yet
en todos lugares
i am the one lost in this rubble
somewhere

you were such an disorganized pack rat
so worried about hanging on to
every little detail of your life
that when you died
you forgot to leave what little room was left
for me
to grieve

love.

it’s amazing how simple this four letter word can be
and yet, at the same time
how complicated.

i sit here & listen
to songs about love
& lovers
dedicating themselves
for attentions
unrequited
some returned
& some lost and long gone

& it is in these moments
i think of you

if i could write
the perfect song
i would take the titles
& put it in the words
how
you & i
love

here & now
if only you knew
i have never felt this way
& its a feeling that
i
can’t let go

loving you
means everything

just to be
close to you
makes me feel
like a superstar

& even after all this time
i’m still in love
& wanting to be kissing
only you

if only you knew
i love whats
underneath your clothes

baby come to me
cause you are
all i need to get by

i swore when i fall in love
it would be
always & forever
it would make me
feel
overjoyed
always

& for once in my life
the reason i love
knocks me off my feet
&
i never have to question
someone like you
or
how deep is your love
or if
is this love
i’m feeling

if only you knew
you didn’t come
a day too soon
there has been
no one
anyone else
is unthinkable
& you are
the only exception

if i could take
all this love
& write you a love letter
this baby this
would be
your song.