we place immeasurable weight
on worthless unnecessaries
mindsets carousel pointless
reverberation off desolate hearts

school, jobs, money, houses,
cars, clothes, shoes, religion, media,
materialistic vacancy

food is waste
shelter is empty
water is dead

I don't want to survive
if I'm not alive

It is so shameful how we spend life
Asleep at the wheel
Making less than a conscious attempt
To break free from our situation.

The day you left this Earth
Your exceptional and passionate life was taken
I heard your heart hit the floor
And I look up to the sky
Expecting to see you soaring.

You lived so loudly
And left me star struck.
So what is it supposed to feel like
When you are gone?
Even now, I will pass something
Do a certain activity
Hear a certain song, a phrase
And think about you.

Has it been five months already?
That's almost half a year
And for some reason, that kills me.
Maybe I've been stuck in September
Or somewhat comatose in my own skin.
The shell I've been dying to shed for just about forever.

Have you heard my screams?
The day I got the call
The day I passed out
The endless days of panic attacks
Stuck between those foreboding cycles
Of endless days and sleepless nights.

I do not expect you to be watching over me.
You should be guarding
Your siblings
Your girlfriend
Your parents.
I hope you brought the party to heaven
And God is lucky to have you as his guest.

Sometimes, I still hear your laugh
See your smile
And I am ever so grateful that
I was lucky enough to know you
And I will keep your memory alive
By really living
And not just being on standby.

I don't want it to get easier
I want it to be just as hard as the first day
I want it to hurt this bad forever
I want it to sting like I just found him
It's a twisted way of hanging on
But I can't let go...
If I could, I'd relive the day that he left
So that I'd never have to feel to far away from him
It's a twisted way of holding on
But somehow the intensity of the pain makes me feel closer to him
As if he just left...
And maybe that's because I'm waiting for him to come back
It's so twisted
But I'm still waiting
Just like I waited for him to come back
After the week or so he spent in the hospital
Just like I waited for him to come back
From his hunting trips when I was little
Just like I waited for him to come back
When he went out for dart night at the bar
Just like I waited for him to come back
When he'd drop me off at a friend's house
Because he always came back
He never forgot about me
Now I'm not sure where he went
But I should know that he's not coming back
And in the small moments that I realize that,
I feel forgotten
I feel lonely
My daddy always came back...
Daddy please, don't forget about me...
This pain...in a way, it's what keeps me going
It's a twisted way of hanging on
But I'm not ready to let go.

I said I’d never write about you again,
but I suppose I’m just as good at lying
as I am at leaving.
I’ve forgotten what your voice sounds like.
I always criticized you for not letting go,
as if the weights around my ankles
weren’t made of my faults
and everything I wish I could take back.
You told me today that
you’ve found love again.
I hope he finds flowers growing
from all the cracks I created
in your heart.
I hope he sees galaxies
in the darkened voids
I left behind your eyes.
I hope he understands
that you are full of splintered doors
on rusted hinges
that need to be loved and not repaired.
I hope he is nothing like me.
I’m sorry my words left scars.
I’m sorry my silence
reopened them constantly.
I’m sorry I was too busy
loving myself,
instead of loving you.

Saw myself blinking,
in the mirror,
I don't know what it stands for
this thick fog won't become any clearer
the sun won't shine like it did before.
my insides are bursting up
A burden I just can't keep stored
This is a feeling I can sum up
As a heart replaced by C4
listen to me
when your only company is your own reflection
He's the one who will always be
Ready to aprecciate your soul collection
Feels somehow weird when you look to the clouds
And see none of the forms you used to see
Now I can't have any doubts
I grew up to be the demon I was afraid to be
My home forest looks pale and erased
That tree I used to climb now has turned for ashes
I see now that I've never faced
Reality, and now I suffer as it crashes,
And it scratches
The wounds that are now dug deep
They keep coming, those hometown flashes
And pin me down like it's inducted sleep
Reality was the big old Bible
Kept hidden inside the dusty bookshelf
Now my path is a vicious cicle
And I wimp like a baby like I bully myself
Born, live, die, I pretend
That's how my life should begin and end
But my greed came, it seized my soul
And it took us both to Inferno's blackhole