Did the flame give up?
I’ve been spending years trying to find it.
But I guess it’s my fault
For believing it would make it
Through the storm.

When I came back,
You were a flood
And I wasn’t sure what to say.

I thought I could open the floodgates
But I just ended up drowning in the pain.

I watched you
As your world fell apart.
I saw your ocean eyes
Fade to grey.

How did it feel?
Did it feel like you were burning?
Did it feel like fire?
Dude it feel like you were drowning?

Did you feel the weight of ******
Crush you and suffocate you?

If I had to guess
You didn’t feel anything at all.

She spoke in storms,
Telling stories about places
That never existed
Except in her head.

She was a hurricane, just waiting to happen.
And I was too eager,
To explore the ruins of her mind.

I’ve heard tales from the deck
About the Captain on high
His hands bleed from hoisting
The main sail to the sky.
He keeps this ship moving,
leading the way.
we all get our fill
before he makes his plate.
He stays up all night,
alone in his cabin
Plotting the course
for the next day’s journey.
I wish I could say
that they were right
But this captain’s sailing
His last voyage.
It’s a race to see what will drown me first.

Haunt me for years
I couldn’t care less
At least the old you
Wanted what was best.

Or at least you were better
At lying through your teeth
Than I am
At handling the grief.

I saw that flash.
It lit up the whole sky.
And it looked like

God himself had stepped down
From his selfish throne.

But when I closed my eyes
My cabin was empty

All except for you and I.
The Devil in disguise.

My mind has been filled
With voices, and the faces of a woman
Who tried burned a man at the stake,
And so he went on a voyage.

Looking back, I can see that our future
Was doomed from the start.
I can see the waves that were destined to crash
I didn’t know I was resting on the crest.

I’ve written it all down,
I’ve spilled the ink across the page
I’ve spilled every thought
That crossed my mind
All these years I’ve been out at sea.

I ask you, whoever finds these.

Read them. Learn from them
That’s all I ask.
Learn from my mistakes.
Do not become me.

There’s no need to **** yourself
Out on the ocean blue.
There’s no need to harbor those feelings
Let them sail away,
Instead of you.

Alone I’ll die,
Your name imprinted on my soul
And memories of how it all went wrong
Burned forever into my mind.

I was never ready to be a captain.
I was only waiting for the end, like the coward I am.
My family was always better without me.
You were a better father,
Than I could’ve been.

And darling,

You were always better without me.
Oh, Great, Blue, Deep.
I’m ready to make
My final retreat.

Goodbye.

We’re all slowly drowning
In her oceans of misery
The Sea has taken me.
The storm will triumph my return.

It’s been so long
That nothing makes sense
But the swells and breaks
Of the waves
On the ocean.

The ocean sings to me of
Every night we spent together.

Pray to whoever you think will save you.
In the end there is only the Night.  
Find the one you think can save you,
And I’ll show you that hope is for the weak.

I’m holding on tight to the past
That I knew wouldn’t last
While you’re pulled to the future
By his hands on your back.

Do you know what it’s like?
Stand on the beach,
And watch as one of our children
Gets pulled out to sea
By the fatal, and invisible undertow.

I’ve been following a Leviathan
For the past 3 years.
I sometimes lose it
Among the deep, dark blue.
It leads me into waters
Much to dangerous for me.
It dives below for weeks at a time,
Only to resurface,
It shows me the way.
It always knows where to find me.
And I will always follow it,
If I do not change my ways.

Before you,
I always felt that I was sick
That I wasn’t quite right
Like a storm within
That needed to be quelled.


And when I first grabbed your hand
I felt okay
For the first time in my life.


And now that the ocean
Has swallowed me
I understand
How medicine and poison
Can be the same thing.

And what then? She asks me,
But I think she suspects
That it falls on deaf ears.
But I am silent, to reflect.

And so she asks again.
“And what then?
What will you do when there is nothing else to lose?
What will you do when you push away every single person who loves you?”
I down the last of my drink and get up to leave before sternly asserting the only thing that I know is true anymore.
“I’ll finish the job.”
I close the door and leave.

Night fell on my shoulders
And my fellow man
Took turns taking rests
Deep within the ship.

And for the first night in weeks,
I stood at the front of the ship.
Your pipe in my pocket,
My writings in my coat.

I reminisce of the days
Where it was just me and you,
My Captain.

I’d roll a cigarette with old tobacco
And you’d pack your pipe.
And pour me a glass,
Of the alcohol you kept in your cabin.

I’d tell you my stories,
And you’d laugh and cry with me.

And every time you spoke
Wisdom poured out.

And now that you’re gone
I’m losing myself out here.

No wisdom comes from my mouth,
I salivate anger,
I spit rage,
Yet I am silent.

I cannot fill your shoes.
I cannot be you.

The sea is calling me home
But not on my ship, no.
The sea is calling me to its
Never ending deep


To the dark underneath
To the safe-haven
Of abyssal sleep.

I used to think
That I was too broken to be fixed.
That someone had taken the simple pieces
Of machinery
That reside in my chest

And bent the metal
And broke the cogs.
But it turns out
This is just who I am.
A drunkard with a pen.

The stars are hidden from me tonight.
Clouds overtake the sky,
And the compass that is my heart
Cannot find it’s way home.

And when my ship arrived
I went into town
Found your house
And looked inside

Saw my children
For the first time
In over five years
Followed by the face
Of the man
You replaced me with.

And when I met your eyes
I made my way
Down to the beach
And watched as the waves
Crashed against the sand

The sun shone brightly
On my wretched self

And I felt, that perhaps
For once since my captain
Had abandoned me
That everything
Would be just fine.

I replay that moment
Every night in my head
Try and find out
Where it all went wrong

But why?

I remember you staring off the balcony
Looking out at the ocean
And I’d tell you
Someday we’d sail the seven seas together

I remember each morning
We’d share that cup of coffee
And I’d roll tobacco
And tell another joke
And you would smile
And tell me you loved me
In your own little way.

In a way that no one else had done
And you had me fooled.
I believed you actually meant it.
You may have meant it then,
But you didn’t always mean it.

And I held you close.
Asked you if you loved me or him.
And you said me.
And you fooled me again.

I told you I loved you.

I meant it then,
And I will always mean it.

Remember that,

The next time you see me.

Tell me, darling,

Are you the goddess of the ocean?
Are you the goddess of the sea?

I’m sailing on your waters.

I’m trying to be free.

It’s been eight years since I’ve been home.
I’ve made myself a demon

So I couldn’t come back

But now there’s no good left
To stop the attack.

Stand on the beach
And walk into the waves.
Let the ocean wash you.
Cleanse you of his touch.

Your pipe’s been keeping me company.
The one that fell out of your pocket.
A long churchwarden, with a sleek, curved stem,
It fills me with warmth again.

Staying awake
To the sound of your singing

So close,
Like the whispers of the wind
You softly breathe your words
Far more beautiful

Than any of my own.

What do I expect to find?
When my ship cannot sail any longer.
When my bones turn to dust.
When I reach the end.

What do I expect to find?

I gave up on finding a way back to you
Many many moons ago.

Every time I visited
Nothing had changed
But the look on your face

No longer showed the pain.

The pain I had caused for years.

And our children smile just the same.

I gave up on the end.
I threw myself over and under
Every violent wave
And I tried to drown myself
In every brown bottle.
I gave up on god.

He never answered me anyways.
If He was ever there,
He must’ve taken the same route as me.
And drowned himself in a bottle too deep to survive.
What do I expect to find?

When I write to no one.

When I scream at the moon,
Even though it was I
Who caused the monsoon.

And I can’t stop.
You’re always there.
In every word I speak.
In every breath I breathe.

In every line
In every poem

In everything.
And I’ve tried to cleanse myself of you.

Maybe it’s not what I’ll find.

Maybe it’s what I’ve found.

I keep wishing the words to flow
But nothings working anymore.

And what am I supposed to do?
I know the world’s not been kind to you.
But that doesn’t change the fact
That ever since I saw you
I knew I wanted to know you.

I wanted to know everything about you
And I wanted you to know
That it was going to be okay.

The priests were all liars
And the nuns were all fools

There is no salvation
Not for true sin.

Not for me.

God doesn’t answer me anymore.
I’m starting to think he never did.

I still cry out sometimes,
Into the dark of night.

Into the blackened deep.
Hoping something changes
But, it’s been ten years,
And he refuses to speak.

God is dead

Or he never was.

There’s much worse things
That I could do
Than smoke this cigarette
And think of you.

The dawn does not come
For you, my dear.
The sun shall not rise
Til the devil meets his demise.

I know that I’m not done
Sailing on the ocean blue.
I know that I’m not done
Killing myself for you.

Our voyage brought us
To an island
That our maps didn’t show.

I stepped off the ship
And I saw your face
Among the merchants
And the public

I felt the rage

Boiling beneath my skin

And I tried to hold my tongue
And realized it wasn’t you
And I realized I still loved you.
And I realized I wasn’t ready.

Children, forgive me
I did not mean to take away
The man you grew up calling father.
I know what it’s like to lose a Captain.
But don’t you know,
This man killed your father
Years ago.

I was just returning the favor.

Oh, what a smile she had,
Light up a room.
Illuminate my heart.
I wish I could see it that way again
I wish I could see it
Anywhere but my nightmares.

“You can be a real ******* sometimes, you know that?”
Her voice rings in my ears
Like bells on Sunday mornings.
I just wish she would say something new.

But she won’t.

Because I don’t ever do anything new.

The door slams behind her.
The bottle goes up.
The alcohol goes down
And another bottle hits the wall.
I call out softly, to the ghost of her presence,

“I’m always a real *******.”
Another bottle goes up.

Did you really expect to get to heaven?
You don’t even know what it’s like
To spend a little time in hell.
With the wind in my sails
I know,
It can’t be any other way.
I’m going to fail.

I was trying to be better.
A better man,
A better lover,
A better husband,
A better father.

All for you.

But it was much too late for that.

The only family I’ve got left
Are empty bottles and journals

Telling stories of what happens
When a man has nothing left to lose.

As the rain begins to fall,
And the waves begin to crash
Against the front of my ship.
I resign myself to my cabin
The small bed has but one sheet
And in the corner of the room, in the shelves
Sits a bottle full of ***.

Or at least it was full at some point.
I pour a glass

And then another.
And another.

The only way to fend off the cold
On this stormy night.

Is he really a good man,
Like I was and hope to be,
Again?
If he is,
I hope he stays that way
And I pray
That you
Don’t turn him
Into me.

I always knew
I was wrong
Before you knew
That you were right

Can’t you see
You never loved me
Not like you thought
That you did?

I’ve boarded a ship
I’m sailing away
But I’ve been seasick
For the last 14 days


Or am I homesick?

I saw you in the stars
And in their reflections
In the waves.

The Sun rises
And the Sun sets
Over the ocean.
Which is more beautiful?

The rising reminds me I haven’t slept,
And the setting is the prelude to your ghost.

I don’t believe you.

Shadows are but ghosts.
But you are a soul.
And I know how the sun
Drives people like us away.

That does not make you a nobody.

I know you bloom in the night
But that does not mean
That you are gone at the sight of the sun.

What do you love?
Who do you love?
Why are you here?

Why waste your time
Talking to a drunkard
Without a home?

Why waste your time
With a *******
Who will die alone?

Love is a river
Flowing straight through
The heart.
You were my river.

And you flowed
Through my heart
But you didn’t stop there.

My days are numbered
And when it happens
When I return
You will regret
What it is that you’ve done.
You’ll regret ever meeting me.
I can no longer
Soothe my nerves
With alcohol
And a pipe.

I’ll make you wish
You were actually in the house
When I dumped the gasoline
And lit the match.

I know you’ve got secrets
You’ve been holding in your heart.
Leave them here in the dark
Let the Night take them away

The Night has come,
And you didn’t even notice.

You weren’t paying attention.
Were you?

I used to ask you
To sing me to sleep
Your voice so soft
It feels like the clouds
In my dreams.

Now you are miles away
In a direction
I couldn’t tell where

And you won’t stop singing
Your voice is so haunting
Why won’t you let me sleep?

And when I looked into your eyes
It was like looking straight into hell


And when I felt your trembling lips
Hell seemed more than bearable.

My captain taught me
That when the bottom of the sun
Rests on the edge of the horizon
The sun has already gone below

And the Darkness just takes a moment
To arrive.

Maybe that’s the way it was
With you.

The port vanishes beyond the horizon
As restless waves thrash against our ship

We’ve set sail,
The stars above
Guiding our every move.

The land behind escapes our view.
We ride on and on,
The furious storm in our path
Only one way to go
Only the strongest will last.

There are murmurs among the crew
Of mermaids waiting in the blue
And behind the ship’s wheel
I keep my thoughts concealed
As the rain begins fall,
I yell commands,
“Strike the royals!

And batten down the hatches!”

The rainfall grows heavy
As my heart

And the winds and waves continue their
Barrage against my ship

We strike both gallants
And reef the mainsail

And sail straight through the storm.


I am the Master of the Storm
You shall not take me down.

Fear makes for sunken ships
And in turn, sunken captains

I am fear itself
You will know it soon enough.