I know you’ve got secrets
You’ve been holding in your heart.
Leave them here in the dark
Let the Night take them away

The Night has come,
And you didn’t even notice.

You weren’t paying attention.
Were you?

Pray to whoever you think will save you.
In the end there is only the Night.  
Find the one you think can save you,
And I’ll show you that hope is for the weak.

And what a shallow ocean
I’ve been swimming in.

I apologize for my absence
But I hope you know

That though time passes

I’m still here.

And in the space between your lips
Silence escaped.

I’m sorry,
I know I’ve been neglecting
I’ve just been dissecting
and expecting far more of myself
Than I think it was fair of me to ask.

And so I apologize
I just got buried too deep.
It’s been months,
And here I am again.

6 a.m.

And I still can’t sleep

Someone asked me
‘Why don’t you go get help?
You know you don’t always have to be miserable.’
But I didn’t want help.
Things would be so much more bearable
If I didn’t know what I knew.
But I’d rather feel the pain
Than live without a thought of You.

I’m running out of stories to tell
Nothing’s gotten easier
And I’m still headed for hell.

I used to think we would have lasted
If I just swallowed my pride.
But now I know, the only way
That would have happened
Is if I dropped the match.

So we could be side by side
With an epitaph 6 feet above us.

And like the glass against the wall
I shatter the silence
With a sound that’d make
A kinder man weep.

You told me I made you the happiest
That you’ve ever been.
So tell me, Darling,
Why are you holding me under?

I knew, when I first saw you,
That you would be the storm
That would wreck me.

What a wicked wind
Blows through the sails tonight
I can’t feel my fingers
And nothing is alright.

I think I’d rather be shipwrecked
Than banished to this life

So darling,
Why’d you leave me out here tonight?

Please guide me home,
Luna.
My old, pale friend.
The waters are getting colder
And I’m nearing the end.

Listen to those waves.
Watch as they pull back.
Gathering their strength,
Curling in anger,
Collapsing.
Oh, a story I know far too well.

And the worst part of it all
Was always knowing
That I would be the one to fall.

I can’t close my eyes
They’ve got that sleepless sting.

But leaving them open is almost worse.

The winds have battered
And tattered my sails,
And the salt water is
Rotting my every floorboard.
I stopped in a town,
To replace what was broken down.
But I’m starting to feel guilty.
I was given this ship
By it’s rightful Captain.

And when every sail has been changed
And every floorboard replaced

Will this ship still be the same?

Will it still be the one my Captain gave to me
With his final breath?

I saw that flash.
It lit up the whole sky.
And it looked like

God himself had stepped down
From his selfish throne.

But when I closed my eyes
My cabin was empty

All except for you and I.
The Devil in disguise.

What do I expect to find?
When my ship cannot sail any longer.
When my bones turn to dust.
When I reach the end.

What do I expect to find?

I gave up on finding a way back to you
Many many moons ago.

Every time I visited
Nothing had changed
But the look on your face

No longer showed the pain.

The pain I had caused for years.

And our children smile just the same.

I gave up on the end.
I threw myself over and under
Every violent wave
And I tried to drown myself
In every brown bottle.
I gave up on god.

He never answered me anyways.
If He was ever there,
He must’ve taken the same route as me.
And drowned himself in a bottle too deep to survive.
What do I expect to find?

When I write to no one.

When I scream at the moon,
Even though it was I
Who caused the monsoon.

And I can’t stop.
You’re always there.
In every word I speak.
In every breath I breathe.

In every line
In every poem

In everything.
And I’ve tried to cleanse myself of you.

Maybe it’s not what I’ll find.

Maybe it’s what I’ve found.

I swore I saw you last night
Standing over my bed.

The ghost of your presence
Haunts my every move.

With the bottles of ***
Empty around my bed
I try to forget.
Every vision a nightmare.

And every nightmare closer to the truth.

I was trying to be better.
A better man,
A better lover,
A better husband,
A better father.

All for you.

But it was much too late for that.

The only family I’ve got left
Are empty bottles and journals

Telling stories of what happens
When a man has nothing left to lose.

With the rock of the ship
On the waves, sweet and solemn.

I hum a song, of my own creation
It rises and falls with every wave

And in its melody
I am saved.

Your body was but thorns
That dug into my side
Every night we lay together
Every night you lied.

I swear I’ll forgive you
I’ll forget all the past.
Just tell me you need me
I swear we can last.

I saw you in the stars
And in their reflections
In the waves.

I keep wishing the words to flow
But nothings working anymore.

She calls me home
And I am sinking,
I am sinking.
Deeper deeper.
Til I am with her.

I saw the last sunset
The fires burned upon the water
And I knew my time was up.
I jumped in the sea
There was nothing left of me.

The ocean has been changing
Ever since I started sailing
On it’s wondrous waves.
When I look out over the vast blackness
I no longer see the beauty in it.

No, no longer.

Now there is only terror.
Terror at my command.

Staying awake
To the sound of your singing

So close,
Like the whispers of the wind
You softly breathe your words
Far more beautiful

Than any of my own.

Oh Captain,
I’ve been sailing
On the course you charted
Days before you were stolen.

Oh Captain,
I’ve been drowning
I’m trying to be strong.
But nothing feels worth it.

Please, come back.

I’d take your place in heaven,
But Lord knows I’d never make it
Past Peter and those Pearly Gates.

If anything, the Devil’s got a place for me
In his fiery home.

But chances are there’s nothing out there,
Past the Sky, Sea, or Land.

That’s why I never hear your voice.

Not even a sailor
Was I when I left
Many moons ago.

But I am returning
The Master of the Wind,
The Lord of the Storm.

You shall not stop me.

The port vanishes beyond the horizon
As restless waves thrash against our ship

We’ve set sail,
The stars above
Guiding our every move.

The land behind escapes our view.
We ride on and on,
The furious storm in our path
Only one way to go
Only the strongest will last.

There are murmurs among the crew
Of mermaids waiting in the blue
And behind the ship’s wheel
I keep my thoughts concealed
As the rain begins fall,
I yell commands,
“Strike the royals!

And batten down the hatches!”

The rainfall grows heavy
As my heart

And the winds and waves continue their
Barrage against my ship

We strike both gallants
And reef the mainsail

And sail straight through the storm.


I am the Master of the Storm
You shall not take me down.

Fear makes for sunken ships
And in turn, sunken captains

I am fear itself
You will know it soon enough.

I watched as you threw
Everything we built together
To the dogs like bones.
Well, love,
I feel your pain in my bones
Do you feel my pain in yours?
I feel you, my love, deep in my bones.

Do you feel anything
As you sit on your throne?

The dawn does not come
For you, my dear.
The sun shall not rise
Til the devil meets his demise.

Siren songs suffused the air
And not a man among my ships
Could bear to direct their ears
To any other sounds, or thoughts, alike.

And though their songs
Were beautiful,
And seemingly ethereal
They held no sway over me.

For my thoughts have not,
For even but a moment

Wandered far from you.

And though the sirens
Tried to steer my ship
Towards the jagged shallows

I’m doing just fine
Charting a course
Where I’ll be hanging from the gallows

Restitution,
What I once hoped for;
That all that was lost
Would come back to me.

But now I know
All that’ll be left for me
When I make my move is
Destitution

I don’t know what to do.
No, I don’t know what to do.
I haven’t known in quite some time.
Most days it’s a toss up
Between joining the angels
Under the waves.
And going back
To a place I called home
And bringing a conflagration with me
And setting the place ablaze.

Heaven’s not waiting for me
I’ve got a dinner date with Satan
At the bottom of the sea.

I’ve been writing words
Alone, in the early hours
Of the morn.
But every time I do
They always just turn
Into letters to you,

And I,

I know I made mistakes
But you know we all do.

I wish I could say
That I’m sick of writing you
And Captain I’m sorry
It’s you I should’ve listened to.

But if at some point
I can stop writing about you
It’ll be the day that I drown
Under the weight of the ocean
Or the bottle laced with misery.

We stopped in Mexico
I had a glass of tequila
The taste didn’t leave my mouth
For six long weeks
So I’m wondering how much longer
I’ll have to cover the taste
That you left there.

So in summary, my dear,
I still love you.
And possibly even more so
I still hate you.

At this point,
All I really need
Is a decent night’s sleep
Without the bottle
At my side.

Honesty never fit you.
Not like that dark dress of deception does.
Oh, Deceiver,
What I’d give to be deceived again.

I’ve been thinking about death a lot.
Particularly suicide,
And I don’t want you to think it’s in that dark drab way;
It’s not.


It’s much more romantic than that.
Yes, I’ve been seducing death.
Or rather, she’s been seducing me.


How much easier it’d be
If I jumped in the water
Held my head under
And tried to breathe.


That liberating moment
When the water fills my lungs


And I don’t have to be confined
To this life of songs sung
To gods of death.
Whose followers wear death on chains
That the dangle around their neck.



I don’t want to be confined
To this life, where those whose piety is determined
By how loud they can tell you
How awful you are.



I don’t want to be confined
To this life of always waiting for what’s coming next
Never experiencing.
Nothing’s ever good enough.



I don’t want to be confined
To this life without you.
And eternity in hell
Is what you condemned me to.



I take solace in the fact
That once my lungs are filled
With that salty ocean brew,
I’ll no longer have to
Think of you.

I still hear your voice,
But it’s not the same as it once was.
No longer do you sing me to sleep.

Now it’s more of an echo,

Still lingering in my mind.

In another world
You still loved me.

The priests were all liars
And the nuns were all fools

There is no salvation
Not for true sin.

Not for me.

God doesn’t answer me anymore.
I’m starting to think he never did.

I still cry out sometimes,
Into the dark of night.

Into the blackened deep.
Hoping something changes
But, it’s been ten years,
And he refuses to speak.

God is dead

Or he never was.