i would prefer to sit
home alone
and read
the fountainhead
the catcher in rye
the metamorphosis
the stranger
i get drunk off plays on words
i get high off clever plots
what keeps me up at
night isn't money
or relationships
it's the fact that
there are so many
lovely books
that have yet to be
in my hands
it's overwhelming
i do not dream
of stacks of currency
or a lover by my side
i dream of paper
covered in ink
and the satisfying
feeling of turning pages

it’s not that you give me butterflies
cause that’s just not quite it
i don’t believe in butterflies anymore
they pass away too fast
don’t have a word
trying to explain
searching my brain
i’m drawing a blank
it’s not like we talk “Cute” to each other
that’s just not quite it
it’s like we’re best friends
talking till the day ends
it’s weird how suddenly
you became important to me
you went from “not-excactly-nothing”
to “someone-who-means-something”
this isn’t really cheesy
which may not be as pleasing
but it’s just how i’m feeling
i don’t know what that means in all honesty
i don’t know what you think of me
i don’t know if i mean anything
i don’t know who i am to you
why does any of that matter?
i guess I just like you
whatever that means
and if you don’t like me back
it’s still cool beans
i just really enjoy knowing you
and this is my way of showing you
talking to you brightens my day
you bring a smile to my face
i hope that somehow
i make your days better
that i somehow help your endeavor
i don’t want to say you’re different
don’t want to jinx myself
but somehow i feel different
it’s really bizarre
i don’t even know what i mean
i can only hope that you do
its not giddy infatuation
i just really like you

Friends

Friends stop and stare,
I wonder if they even care.
Ones you thought were friends,
end up being just trends.
Moving on to better things,
lets see what tomorrow brings.
Some friends you think are the best,
all their drama just leave you stressed.
Most friends just pass you by,
even on the show they all said goodbye.
No one likes friends that are fake,
their more slippery than a snake.
Friends may come and friends may go,
its always money that they owe.
A once best friend is now an enemy,
its usually because of some kind of jealousy.
Some friends sleep with someone you love,
shoot them twice, then carefully dispose of.
Some friends from school you never see again,
they moved away to their new domain.
Some friends will last forever,
will stand behind you on every endeavor.
Most friends you can not trust,
even knowing you think you must.
No matter how big the fight,
true friends will make it alright.
Your best friend is usually your lover,
some friends you may never discover.
A real friend will stand by your side,
not run off and pretend to hide.
I've had so many friends, I can't even a count,
it doesn't matter the number or the amount.
Friends you have today, could be a foe tomorrow,
they leave you swimming in a sea of sorrow.
I'm very thankful for my friends, now and from the past,
with each other, I've had a blast.
Even the ones that did me wrong,
one way or another, you once did belong.
I've learned something from each one,
some friendships have not yet begun.

I got kicked.
Like a dog being called to obedience

I got stabbed
By my own hand

My fault
My fault my heart got broken again

after all this time, all I really
know about you
is that you put on eyeliner
in remarkably straight lines,
that you drink your coffee
black every other morning,
that you don't like flowers
because they remind you
of how beautiful things
never last long enough.

all I know is the scent of
your perfume and the way
it lingers on my pillow,
the way you cry when films
have happy endings, what
you talk about in your sleep,
how you always read the
newspaper upside down.


ask me if I love you and
I'll tell you "I don't know":
but I know I love those
little things about you.

Full places
2. Having to answer the phone
3. When the teacher says "find a partner"
5. The deep, nervous and bad feeling in my throat when I'm outside
6. Ordering at restaurants
7. Not being able to smile back at people so I look down and smile at the ground like an idiot
8. Am I breathing too loudly?
9. When I feel confident about going somewhere, but the closer I get, the more nervous+sick I feel
10. Trying to talk to someone in a group of people, but I don't because I'm afraid I will look ridiculous
12. When someone doesn't text back. So up convince myself that they don't like me
13. Not being able to eat in front of anyone
14. When I'm going to bed+all of a sudden my mind filled with thoughts of things that could go wrong the next day
15. Walking with my eyes fixed on the floor so I avoid eye contact with other people
16. The never ending fear that the teacher will force me to speak or do something in front of the whole class
17. Not reading loud in class because everyone stares and hears how nervous am I
18. Hearing people laugh behind me so I'm assuming its at me
19. Waiting rooms
20. When the teacher calls on me go answer something during class
21. When I can't walk in the hallways at school because I feel like everyone is judging me
22. When the teacher says "if you don't start raising your hands, I'm going to have to call on random people
24. Having great conversations with someone over text,but being afraid to hang out with them because I think they won't like me in person
25. Attempting to say "hello" back when someone suddenly greets me and end up just looking to the person without the ability to talk
26. Constantly feeling like I'm going to throw up
27. Playing out conversations in my head before meeting people
28. Leaving the house
29. Eye contact
30. Walking on my own and feeling like everyone is watching me
31. Not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk to people
32. When the teacher is taking the register in alphabetical order and I know my name is coming up
33. Thinking everyone in the room is talking about me
34. Holding in coughs in class so I don't draw attention to myself
35. Checking my phone because I don't know what to do with my hands
36. Knowing the answer to the teachers question but being terrified to raise my hand and draw attention to myself
37. Constantly feeling like the pressure is on me to start conversations
38. Feeling like everything is my fault
39. Being scared of not being able to get out of a room full of people
40. Being scared of sitting next to a stranger
41. Being afraid of seeing someone I know
42. Getting anxiety during lunch, so I feel sick and I don't eat, which makes me more anxious cause people will judge me for not eating
43. Being scared to go anywhere in case I have a panic attack
44. Not eating in school
45. Entering class late
46. Avoiding crowded events
47. May having a panic attack in school