Mum, please, I need you to listen.
I'm not trying to make something out of nothing,
I'm just fighting with my mind and I feel lonely.
Mum, please, I do not mean to be a burden
But I'm locked inside my own thoughts
And I can no longer escape,
For you see my depression is controlling me.
Some days it is like a tiny fly
The next it swallows me into its icy shadow.
These days mum are the days I long to die.
You say it's selfish and cowardly to want to die
But please, it's not so much that I want to die,
It's just I don't want to live.
Mum, these days I am held prisoner inside my own bed.
You say I'm just being typically lazy
But I'm not trying to be.
I'm just afraid that if I get up I will drown within everything I long to forget.
Mum, please... Just listen to me.
You say I should get out more, see my friends
So I try like I know I should want to
But I wish for them to cancel these plans
For my anxiety torments my mind
And claws at my chest.
You ask where anxiety... another problem came from?
Yes mum, anxiety teaming up with depression
Increasing my many fears that haunt manipulate my life.
They come along as if to a party
Mum I am that party
Only this a party I do not want to attend.
At the end of the day I am tired of fighting with myself
And once more depression beckons me to my bed
Cradling my spent body until I once again feel numb.
Mum, please this is not to do with you.
You ask me why I'm too busy to stop and enjoy life
But I am never truly busy
I just mean I'm trying to keep distracted
Because I am lonely and feel isolated.
You say you cannot see where this has came from
Well, mum, neither do I!
You always say be more mire positive
Oh how I have tried but am always reminded of things I want to forget.
You've said light a candle to eliminate the dark
But I'm not afraid of the dark, I'm afraid of living!
Maybe this is part of the problem.
Mum, please I'm begging you to listen
I'm so scared that I cannot find my way back out.
You say you don't know what else to do.
Neither do I.
I'm lost and I cannot come back.
Mum, please, I just want you to be there when I need you!

The piece of paper I found in your wallet,
Cut me deeper than any piece of paper should,
The words inscribed on there were
sharper than its edges.
Those words stayed with me even when the paper seemed to
Disappear.

The piece of paper you took out of your wallet,
Yet you didn't throw it away,
No,
Instead put it in a safe place...
To keep.

The piece of paper with your name
And a heart
And her name,
Not mine.

Sometimes it's not an upgrade that's needed,
You don't need to change, but instead
Change back.

You don't need to upgrade but be
Restored.
Back to the old you, the real you.

The boy who loved, unconditionally and openly,
Who sang songs and wrote poems,
The boy you've locked away inside,
Each shattered love adding to the bars on your jail,
Each broken heart becoming a stone building your wall higher
Each song filled with heart ache echoing through the cell that's become what's left of your heart.

I don't want to change you,
I want to restore you.

Breathe
When it gets too much
And you don't know if you're the one
That he's singing about.

When he thinks you're drunk cos you're eyes are pink...
But your eyes are pink from fighting tear that burn at the brim!

Just can't fight this lump in my throat
But most of all I just can't cry in front of you again.

There's times I feel I'm going insane,
things that shouldn't affect me, do.
They bubble and boil within,
until I feel them at the brim,
ready to burst out into the air,
into the ears of those around.

When my madness consumes and spreads,
its path is full of concealed destruction.
I scramble back and try to mend the fractures,
shards that resist to fit back to together the way they once did.

And so I seek blind ears,
Ears which listen but do not speak,
Ears which listen but do not judge,
Ears which hear me but do not see me,
Blind ears.

Why must we fall for people when they keep standing tall?
While I feel collapsed in a ball at his feet he seems to be
towering above me, a force I cannot break.

He is the lighthouse, high on a cliff,
and like many, I'm drawn to his endearing light,
However, like this light he rotates round and round,
only seeing me every so often.

When he beams his light on me I feel found,
wanted,
but oh too suddenly darkness envelopes me once more
and my words to him crash and break like waves upon the shore.