You’re a liar
I think I’ve known this whole time
And I chose to ignore it
But you can’t ignore it when you’re staring at it with your own eyes
I think the not knowing was better
The maybe he is
Maybe he isn’t
I’m done
I’m done with you
I’m done with all of it

I’m finally admitting it,
I’m not over you.
I see you in the halls,
I try not to look;
Not to make eye contact.
Every now and then
I’ll look you up,
Just to see how you’re doing.
So many things pop up.
I think it’s great,
You’re doing something that you love,
Even if I’m not a part of it.
I love seeing you so happy.

Everytime I think I’m doing better,
I’m not.
I have a good day,
Then a terrible week,
An empty and depressing week.
I have a good month,
Then I forget what happiness even feels like.
No matter how hard I fight it,
The darkness always comes back.
Maybe it’s time I succumb to it...

In my darkest hours
I want to talk to you
I want to reach out to you
Even though I know I can’t
I want you to tell me it’s alright
To tell me everything’s gonna be okay
I wish I still could
I wish you didn’t go away
Because now
Everything’s not okay

I wish I was a bird,
free to go wherever I want and get away from here.
I wish I had more time with you before I had to say goodbye,
I would’ve done so much more.
I wish you weren’t the reason I cried,
I wish you wouldn’t have left.
I wish I was stronger,
Maybe then I wouldn’t miss you so much.
I wish I was famous,
Would you finally pay attention to me?
I wish I could see you one last time,
Just to know you’re okay.
I wish I was hidden,
Tucked away from the world.
I wish I was your diamond,
Something you hold dear.
I wish you would come back, and never leave.

I found a broken person
And thought I could fix him
I was wrong.
He only got worse,
He spun out of control.
I was always there,
But he didn’t always want me.
He pushed me away,
And that was his downfall.
He grew increasingly distant,
Until he didn’t talk to me at all.
It took some time but I figured out why,
He was gone.

I look in the mirror what do I see
An empty person staring back at me
I get dressed up,
I try,
All for you.
I fake a smile,
Just so you think I’m happy,
You don’t know how hard that is.
What do you do for me?
You yell,
You get upset,
Only for me.
You don’t know how much it hurts me,
You don’t even care.
The things we do for each other...

I have never felt more alone
Then when surrounded by people.
Everyone trying to be someone else
Someone they’re not.
It’s sickening.
I mean
I can’t really say I don’t do the same
I try to be this extroverted socialite
But really I’m an introverted anti-socialite
I try to take on this persona
that I actually want to be around people
But I really don’t

I know you’re angry at me
That you’re disappointed
I’m sorry
I can’t help it
It’s difficult to feel happy
I want to **** myself
But you only care that I don’t want to take a photo
I’m empty and hollow
But you yell that I should try to be part of the family
I’m suffering
But you don’t care

I get anxious
Ever since then
It’s been hard to forget
I might have ptsd
I don’t know
It was hard for me
I felt caged
Like an animal
I was stuck in a bad situation
I didn’t know how to get out
I still don’t
I’m trapped and I can’t get out

Hey
Hey
How are you?
Not so good
Do you want to talk about it?
No.

As I head towards the building,
I am turned around by a crowd of people
Running,
Screaming.
We all funnel into a building
And hide in our classrooms under desks,
As if those will protect us.
I head loud noises through the door,
A painful combination of screams and loud
I think to myself,
Is this it?
Is this how I die?
I get so caught up in my thought,
I didn’t even realize that the commotion outside has stopped,
It’s silent
Except for a few hushed cries
I see a soldier through the door window,
He opens the door and is greeted by screams of relief and terror
He tells us to come with him
That we can leave.
I stand up,
My legs shaking
My heart pounding.
I turn and look at the calamity all around me.
Broken windows,
Blood and bullets on the floor.
It only gets worse as I walk down the hallway.
As I step outside,
I’m greeted by warm sunshine
But it doesn’t feel the same as it did before,
I don’t feel the same as I did before.

I have never felt more alone
Then when surrounded by people
Everyone trying to be someone else
Trying to be someone they’re not
I get it though
It’s hard
To be yourself
To expose the real you
That’s why I don’t even try

What am I hoping for?
Nothing will ever come.
You will never come home,
I will never get better.
We drift further apart everyday.
I still remember the day you didn't come back.
You told me not to worry,
You told you would be okay,
You lied.

Is this really what I've become?
I am a pathetic,
Worthless,
human being.
I don't want to go out anymore,
I don't have the energy to do anything.
I just lay around,
Thinking about how much better it would be,
If I was gone.
I wouldn't upset anyone,
I wouldn't have to see how they look at me.
They think I don't know,
But I do.
It would be easier if I just do it already,
I don't know why I haven't.

I'm drifting.
Further,
And further,
Everyday.
I fear I'm losing control.
There are times when I don't even recognize myself.
I needed you to hold me down,
Maybe if you were still here,
I wouldn't be so far gone.

I'm listening,
I'm here.
I won't ever leave you.
When you cry,
I'll help you.
When you simply need a hug,
I'll be there.
Things are hard right now,
I won't pretend I don't know,
But I'm here,
Even if you don't want me to be.
I'll love you,
Even if you can't love yourself.

I want to be free.
I want to be free of this darkness that owns me.
It follows me around,
It won't leave me alone.
I'm constantly fighting it.
I can't take it anymore.
Eventually,
I'll lose the fight.
I'll just give up,
And the darkness will win.

Why is everyone so afraid to say suicide?
When it happens,
everyone is afraid to talk about it.
People fabricate the word "suicide" because they're afraid.
They're afraid of admitting that they couldn't save them.
They couldn't save them so they call them a victim.
They deserved better,
They deserved someone who cared.
They needed someone who listened.
Now it's too late.

I'm fine
I'm just a broken person,
Trying to collect the pieces.
Trying to put myself back together.

I'm fine
But I'm really not
I'm dying on the inside
But I won't tell you that

I'm not fine,
But you'll never hear me say that

Calm down,
Everything is okay
Stop crying,
You have no reason to be sad.
Be happy,
Your family loves you.
Don't be angry,
He didn't do anything.
No one is hurting you but yourself,
You're killing yourself.
Stop,
Please.
I know you can't control it,
But try.
You're losing yourself.
Eventually,
There will be nothing left to lose.
And that's what I worry about,
I don't want to lose you too.
Don't do it,
Please.
Look around you,
See all the people who care about you.
If you need to go,
Then go.
But stay alive for them,
Stay alive

Do I mean nothing to you?
Did you find it easy to throw me away?
I stood there waiting,
Hoping for you to show up.
You left me there,
All by myself.
It must've been easy,
But it was hard for me.
I didn't want to let you go,
I didn't want to say goodbye.
But you forced me,
Because you were selfish.
You might've stopped loving me,
But I never stopped loving you.
I never left you,
And I don't think I ever will.

You were supposed to take care of me.
You were supposed to be kind to me.
You were supposed to be the one who would never call me names,
Who would never abandon me.
The person who I could count on,
Who would always be there for me.
I thought we were inseparable,
I thought we weren't like everyone else.
We had something special,
Why'd you do what you weren't supposed to?

I'll stay here,
For you.
I'll push my pain away,
For you.
You mean the world to me,
You mean everything to me.
I would do anything for you.
Even though I'm suffering,
I will stay here for you.
Just promise,
You'll stay here with me.

One friend sits alone in a field,
She used to have someone with her.
That someone left,
And took both hearts with her.
Her friend broke her promise.
Now all that's left is the wind beside her.
The wind is not enough to hold her down.
The girl with cuts and scars on her arms lets go,
And drifts away with her new friend the wind.
She closes her eyes and smiles,
There's nothing holding her here.

How can someone hate themselves so much they want to die?
How can the world push them so far?
I can tell you.
They became a hollow shell of who they used to be,
They became empty.
The world was unkind to them,
Constantly pushed them down.
When they would cry in their room,
No one would hear them.
When they were dying inside,
They were smiling outside.
Slowly,they started losing them self.
Slowly, they started giving in to the darkness.
Over time, the darkness consumed them,
there was nothing left.

I'm unraveling,
I'm a mess.
I can't pull myself back together.
I'm all ripped up,
Broken even.
I can't make myself calm down.
Everything just comes at me,
All at once,
I can't handle it anymore.
I can't pull it together,
I'm losing myself.

All it takes is one step,
off that clif,
to end it all,
I have given up,
And I'm falling,
To my death.

All it takes is one step,
To walk in that door,
to talk it out,
To feel better.
I'm taking my medicine,
I'm still alive,
I'm helping myself.

Sometimes I like to compare myself to the stars.
I shine so brightly,
But no one knows how far away I am.
I could be millions of galaxies away,
Or I could be the next one over.
People think stars last forever,
But even they have a tipping point.
Even they explode.
But no one knows,
Until it's too late.
Just like me.

One at a time,
Dripping down my  face,
Slowly falling to my chin
Then on to my shirt.
Then they came from both eyes,
Falling more rapidly,
But not rushed.
I felt my skin heat up
My face started turning red.
More started coming,
Faster,
Faster.
I want to yell,
I want to scream.
But I don’t.
I just let them fall down my face.
There is nothing I could do,
I can't control them anymore.

Our mistakes make us who we are
We can't change them
We can't forget them
There is no utopia
There's no paradise
There's just people
And their ***** ups
But that's life
And life is unfair
Once you realize that
Everything makes a lot more sense

Don't you wish there was a place we could go
A place where only we know about
A paradise
A utopia
All our mistakes,
Forgotten
All our ***** ups
Out of mind
Everything we did
Everything we regret,
Gone
There's only the present,
you and me,
And the new memories we create.

I put the suitcase down.
she pleaded with me:
"can't i go with you?"
i think she already knew the answer.
"Not this time."
i started to tear up.
i couldn't bear knowing this was the last time we would see each other.
it was impossible to look her in the face as she asked,
"you'll be back soon right?"
no i wont and i'm never coming back.
"I'll try to be back as soon as i can."
i pull her into a tight hug,
knowing this is the last memory we will share.
as i slowly pull away,
tears start to pour from both of our faces.
i open the door and leave the house.
i know if i turn around i'll run right back to her.
so i don't.

I wish I could be happy,
But I can't.
I wish I didn't have to fake smile,
But I can't.
I wish things were different,
That I was different,
That we were different
But we're not.
Nothing ever changes,
And nothing ever will.

How can someone break your heart without even having it?
I think it hurts more,
When they weren't even yours to begin with.
It's heart-wrenching to see them with someone else,
Especially when you know you belong with them.
You know you're so much better than that other person.
You convince yourself of this,
And it makes your situation so much worse.
Every time you see them,
You cringe.
It gets to the point when you can't hide it anymore.
When will you realize you just have to let go?
Let go of them,
And be free of their everlasting grip.

You don't know what's going on in my head.
I could be plotting my suicide,
Or dancing on rainbows.
I could be running away from myself,
Or playing with a fuzzy dog.
I could be crying in the pooring rain,
Or singing under warm sunshine.
You'll never know what's going on in my head,
You never even ask.
Even if you did ask,
I wouldn't know how to answer you.
Some days are better than others,
Some days are worse.
Some days I feel nothing,
Some days I feel love and happiness.
No matter what day it is,
I'll never be able to answer your never asked question,
Even if you decide to ask it one day.

I'm being eaten alive by my own thoughts.
I can't run,
I can't hide.
Each one kills me more and more.
The darker they get,
The more deadly they become.
I wish I could escape them,
But you can't escape your own thoughts.

When I'm around you,
I feel special.
You make me feel happy,
You make me feel loved.
You can make me smile with one word.
You make me feel whole.
I love that feeling,
I love being with you.
I love you.

You were there for me,
But now you aren't.
You're not there to hold me when I cry,
You're not there to whisper,
Everything will be okay.
You left me,
You left us.
Was it worth it?
Did you find what you were looking for?
I hope you found someone new,
Because if you come back,
I won't be waiting,
No one will be waiting.

I wish I was braver,
I wish I was courageous.
I wish I had the guts to tell you,
But I can't.
I tried that before,
It didn't go so well for me.
I was laughed at,
Made fun of,
And I don't want to go through that again.
I hope you will never do that to me,
I hope you will never be that mean.
Wait for me,
Please,
Because that day will come,
When I can tell you what I really wanted to say this whole time.

I was so happy,
I got to spend time with you.
I was ecstatic when I found out you wanted to spend time with me.
I had so much fun,
We had so much fun.
But that was then,
And this is now.
Please don't forget me,
Please don't forget the memories we shared.
I never want to forget you,
And all of the fun we had.
I wouldn't trade that for the world.

Tick,
Tick,
Boom.
It happens like a light switch.
I freak out,
Shut down,
And shut up.
It happens so many times,
Even when I'm around you.
I hide because I don't want you to judge me,
To laugh at me,
To hate me.

Why is this so hard?
Why can't I decide?
I hate you,
I love you.
It's a little bit of both.
I want to forgive you,
But I can't.
You hurt me,
You brutally murdered me.
I hate the person you've become,
But I love the person you were.
I don't want to let you go,
But I don't want to stay with you either,
I can't decide.
I love you,
But I still hate you.

I'm sorry,
I'm not perfect.
I'm sorry,
I'm not skinny.
I'm sorry,
I'm depressed all the time.
I'm sorry,
I can't be there for you.
I'm sorry,
I cry a lot.
I'm sorry,
I like to be alone.
I'm sorry,
I'm not like other girls.
I'm sorry,
I don't style my hair.
I'm sorry,
I don't paint my nails.
I'm sorry,
I can't be your perfect, beautiful daughter.
I'm sorry,
I ever thought so.

They expect me to stand up,
Be strong,
But I don't know if I can.
I can't be the perfect girl they want me to be.
I can't live up to their expectations.
I can't be their perfect child,
I'm too afraid to even try.

We were both on that edge.
We were about to jump.
You grabbed my wrist.
You held me close,
and told me everything would be okay.
You pulled me away from the edge.
I will never forget that,
I will never forget you.
Even if you forget me.

I'm holding on,
I don't want to let you go.
But maybe that's what I need to do,
Even though I miss you.
I need to let you go.
Letting go is not forgetting the past, it's remembering the future.

Angry and dejected,
That's how they see me.
So what.
I like being by myself.
I just don't like people.
It's not my fault,
They're selfish.
People need to shut up sometimes,
Listen instead of talk.
If they listened then they would be able to see.
They'd be able to see how selfish they are.
They'd be able to see how much pain they put me through.
It's like people are programmed to disappoint the ones the love.
People are selfish machines.
Selfish machines who don't care about who they hurt.
Since they don't feel anything,
It makes it so much easier for them.

Silence is deadly.
It forces conversations,
Conversations that were never meant to be.
It forces words out of the mouth,
Words that were never meant to be said.
Silence forces you to think,
Even when you don't want to think.
Those thoughts become deadly,
When you force them into that accidental conversation.

I have this dark thought,
Deep,
Down inside.
I tell no one,
Hoping it will get better,
But it doesn't,
It only gets worse.
The more I push it away,
The darker it gets,
The more realistic it becomes.
I made it one of my options,
A very possible option.
I think about it every day,
But I can never actually do it,
No matter how bad I want to.
I promised myself,
I would stay here for you.