Decrypted Version:


We both knew what we did to each other was out of revenge

You're in the next city over, and she is here, making me feel again

Staying up in an Adderall talking fervor, and the passionate love we made the second night

and there was Mike, singer of that band named after the local graveyard, passing out expensive beers

I never want to call you, oh center of my universe

But every day, before you left for school, I would, ridden with guilt

I never wanted to leave my room again. Alone I stayed in fear.

-

Every time you left for vacation, I felt like I would *****

A paradise on the beach along the Carolina shore

You said you wanted to be single and free

Your March birthday rolled around, I was gone, and you were just alone

You left the girl I love at that beach with the charming fellas

You brought back something far worse, and numb

-

You've found a new love, and I've seen how he tries to out do what I did

The words and promises of us that you drew all over your walls now painted over

Now that you and your family have left that place

Megan wrote on your ceiling the night we all stayed together. It made you laugh

I'm in your backyard, wishing I could look back and in.

-

The new love in your life has become a perfect copy of me. You sculpted him that way

You know longer feel weak when an insult comes rushing to you

I really did make you tough and numb

Because no one could say anything more vile than I did

-

I guess this really is the end for us

We'll never see that spark we had reunite

I can't replace you, I don't want to replace you

-

Were the three years we spent together a waste?

I'm descending into another deep hole

-

I'll never come out again.




Original Version (Which is still available on my page):


An eye for an eye was the reason we acted

You’re so far away and I can’t stop the fireworks

Talking the night away, the exhausted second meeting

A sip of ale from the singer in the graveyard

I never wanted to call to the Sun

But every morning I would cave in

I buried myself in an empty room

-

The trips were acidic to my tongue

Beaches filled with trinkets and sands

“Fish swim, forever free” you tell yourself

Now, Pisces, who is the one swimming?

Buried in the sands is what I remember

The other half is lost

-

Am I the one to defeat now?

The words that stained the walls are now sparkling white

Abandoned

“Now close you eyes and sleep” she wrote

I’m somewhere between the ponds and the highway

-        

The mimics and shadows match suit and play their roles

The words do no sting or stick

Tough as leather, from the arrows

That flowed from me like a river

-

This product is finished

Ignition improbable, idiot.

No courage and hardly a motive

-

Triplet years

Falling backwards

-

My head is buried

There once was 
a young girl
Innocent and delicate 
Was she

She believed 
That this world
Was filled with beauty
Not everyone did

There was hatred
and despair
that filled
the atmosphere

It slowly suffocated her
Her breath grew ragged
And then this girl
Could no longer see

My uncle slit a man's throat with a box cutter in my childhood home and didn't apologize.
Sitting in a circle filled with crack smoke and stale beer breath.
This is a shining example of what I've lived with
and the lengths I've had to go to escape the thing people call "destiny".

Thievery, lies, pressure, and violence
has been calling my name for the longest.
But I know the voice too well to be taunted.  

Words are my freedom and words are my piece of mind.
There is not a single substitute.
Whether poem, prose, or paragraph,
This is the only calling I've ever had.

I've lived with a hoarder, addicts, senility, and ignorance
in a variety of different combinations and forms.
At times, power, water, freedom, money, necessities, have all been an unachievable thing to me.
Lost to the vile goals of those folk I love.
I am the only one who sees the beauty in the fragile and odd.
The others see only a mess on a paper, and move their eyes to the nearest glowing box.

My father drowned when I was six.
My grandfather followed soon after.
My mother felt the stab of this and caved so many times.
I witnessed and shared the burden of her pain and grief.
My grandmother forgot everything she ever loved or knew, and short after passed as well.
Pets and possessions,
friends and followers.
All gone with a drastic breeze.
I am the one with the vision, but I am trapped in a shell of a city,
covered with that wretched stink of refined soy.

Will I be able to unburden the world from myself?
You all give me such great courage and allow me to share the beauty as I see it.
You all have such great skill with symbols and it makes me feel like home isn't far.
I want this. I want this.

If I keep breathing like the rest of the world
I feel I may miss the sound of the world's heartbeat.
But my death would not bring a solution for the ones I love.
Only a warrant for more death.
I need this. I need this.

With my words, I conjure up hell.
And hell brings with it the familiar.
Run little kitties, run.
The Doubling House and The Sequential Church will not hold forever.
My havens are temporary, but the craters are forever.
I will struggle till the pain becomes all I am
and I buckle under the weight of what I shouldn't have taken
from the mighty Atlas.

I do this for me.
I do this for you.

You are the shelter, my egg.
A half-reflection of my time here.
I write with your hands,
I see through your eyes -
Green as the street where we spent
the two decades that meant the most.

So hip that you dissolved one of yours.
Always bringing the truth to the surface.
Not a law, a threat, or problem to stop you.
Defined by a friendly face and welcoming tone.
Refined by a southern hand and an era of sinners.
A mother to us all.

These words are all I have to give;
You taught me every last one.
Letters arranged to define the world.
Even though you know my intentions,
Remember, I do this because you let me be me.

You deserve enlightenment and laughter
Forever and again.

I could spend lifetimes staring at

the half-lit wick that glows behind your eyes

That twinkle that make the stars seem sickly

and the dawn seem a dreary maze

-

Fear may be the mind killer

but anticipation goes for the heart

Breathing to break the anxious calm

that accompanies this unknowing

-

Yours are the words that bound me

and yours are the words that beckoned me into the fire

This is my punishment

Without you, I fall

I lay awake motionless
hoping, praying for answers
Answers that should maybe be kept locked away
protecting what is already a broken heart
A broken girl

I have this burning hunger
to discover that key to unlock the truth
I lay with nothing but empty hands
and a head that holds a million questions

A voice without freedom
the one buried inside screams to get out
begging to be heard
I feel trapped
suffocated by the unknown

I remain laying motionless in my bed
a bed of a thousand secrets
Tears fall effortlessly down my cheeks
forever sinking into my pillow of tears
My pillow of fears

On my knees by the bed
Praying for forgiveness
One shot in the chamber
Hoping I don't have to outlive this

Six shot revolver pressed to my right temple
Hand so steady, despite the potential
Of a tragic end to a tragic life
The thing i have dreamed of for the past thousand nights

Father above please guide me home
Your kingdom is waiting I can't go it alone
Because the night is dark and full of terrors
Please give me this, one last guilty pleasure

Lord hear me and answer
Please bless this revolver
A one in six chance
For my corpse at an altar

Loving what I could be
Hating who I am
Wishing I could be somebody that doesn't give a ****
Helping other people, while I die inside
Nobody to hold, only people who hide
Living day by day telling myself lies
Trying to make myself believe who I could be while hiding who I am on the inside.

you sat next to me on the bus when we were kids
every time my heart started beating faster and faster
"WHAT DO I DO, WHAT DO I DO!!" the thought racing through my mind
I like her so much, but I don't want to lose her friendship
if she had said yes I would have given my heart to her
carried her backpack, written poetry for her, kissed her, cuddled her, told her how beautiful she was to me everyday, held her hand, given her massages, taken her where she wanted to go, brought her flowers, and taken her on picnics where we could lay there for hours watching the stars and talking through sunset to sunrise
but she said no, so I just do know, how can I know, what I don't know
I said I'm just gonna go
so I moved to the back of the bus and watched her laugh with her friends like nothing had ever happened
and that's when i met her, the only one who comforted me,
sitting back there with me because she saw the pain in my eyes
at least someone cared
I had hope once again