The words are inside
Struggling to come out

That's just a metaphor
For what this poem's about

So keep marching little soldier
Because those old men's time has come

Gay, straight, who gives a ****?
Find your joy, go get some

My soul holds secrets, like the sky holds constellations.

Pulsing through my veins are the darkest whispers of the sins that I keep lodged down,

Just dripping its poison down my throat,

As my gag reflex slowly desensitizes itself,

Clogged by the great fear it shares with my lips,

Fear like a shadow that hangs around me under the horizons of the painted afternoon skies,

Fear of the fatal judgement of the general population,

As they point their fingers that are like barrels of loaded pistols,

Ready to shoot me for my sins.

Forgotten are our pleas
to temper the dawn
So that even as the night lays silent
there are echoes,
a rhythmic thrum of time
Carried forth are the quiet souls of man
from the ebbing shores born of passing moments
toward the twilight of the flickering flame.
And land ye yet to those moors of shadow,
that evanescence of the living breath,
take heart!
For on its banks grow the roots of the Bodhi
whose branches bore the seeds for the Garden,
and its leaves are as shelter for the Spark.
Thus we bear the gaze of the boatman,
the cloak'd Moirai who guides the clocks,
as it is best to take the lilting petals
upon the tongue
and savor.

"Tug, tug, tug" said the weights on my heart,
oh snug snug snug, with a smile and a hug,
did the chains gleefully entreaty,
On some days you'll feel the pain and self-hate,
But most of the time you will be empty,
Smug smug smug,
Me or these bands I breed?

Oh I wonder, I wonder, I wonder,
I think about it now and then, my sweet,
How it feels to love many,
Love so openly,
Looking in the hollow shells and finding the sick treat,
Nothing is fonder, fonder, fonder, on me
Than rejecting my own destiny.

I can go less and less as the years get colder, colder, colder,
The hot sun shines a little less,
And the snow makes me more than a little numb,
A white void, a sign post saying, darkness approaching,
I smile a little happy, depression now encompassing,
Au revoir, and the c'est la vie,
For je t'aime, and everything else,
Lies, lies, lies, and you can stick it up your hiney.

The truth is I am already dead,
Waiting for the sky to fall,
And we never know when we will stop breathing,
But we beg for it bleeding,
The breaking point, the line,
The end of all suffering,
The do or die, die, die,
All that and more my future does not lie,
No instead, my wretched soul,
Is already long gone,
Leaving now only a loud heart,
And the incessant sounds going,
"Tug, tug, tug."

**** yourself he said.
You are a burden. You are a failure.

Why am I a burden? Why do I fail?
I am the smartest man in the room.
Why do I assault my own inteligence?

YOU WANTED THIS. EVEN NOW THE MONSTER INSIDE YOU CLAWS,
He screamed.
And then he whispered,
Even now your heart beats and beats,
Feeling fear as if you were a normal human,
And twisting this fear into more disgust

Answer me! I said
Why do I do this?

You are so smart, you tell me
Tell me all the explanatons you can think.
How they all fit so perfectly.
It makes it worse doesn't it?
Just more excuses. But what differs between an excuse and a valid reason? He said softly.

I opened the door with the skeleton inside.
The monster clawed and clawed, and so,
I opened the door with my demons inside.
And I simply asked why.

“Rain clouds, come back to play!”

He falls.
He breathes.
Stop trying to fix him.
He's not broken.

He is the lie, living truth
so you all can hide
and believe in your fears.
This time you hurt him a little to hard,
so with your protection, he disappears.

At times, he has forgotten how to dream.
He is what time cannot tell without death,
and with his back to the sun,
his time has been told,
showing him a fear he can't hold.

Although he is gone,
his memories wanders near,
forever to wrestle with
what she hopes he feels
but will never hear.

A tender apparition hovers proud,
although she cannot see its pristine placement.
Now the scared sheep have no more protection,
For once, he lets them feel wasteland
and taste it.

and I still get very nostalgic
about the first boy I kissed
and the tentacles of it
not light and fluffy at all
he was my best friend
and I get very alarmed by this life
and how short it can fall
he used to say that
"nobody gets me like you do."
but I didnt know who he was
I still dont know who or what is behind that cloak of darkness
what real stories are behind that bookshelf
and it was alarming and scary and DANGEROUS
and thats how I feel
but who's to know what I feel
because I like it that way
you'll never know whats on my heart
on my mind, on my mind, on my mind
running
in loops
because
it's ****** alarming, and scary and DANGEROUS
its what makes me do what I do
lately
on your computer
The urge to violate the trust
because I am suddanly fearful
that the boy that I love is doing what I said he could
because I wanted your love
I still need it
and here I am
moving in with you
and it's racing in my mind
where's Sonia gonna sleep?
WHERE'S SONIA GONNA SLEEP?
In our bed?
no, your bed
but in my head its OUR bed
the one in which I CAN ALWAYS FIND SLEEP
and its killing me inside
because I said you could because I wanted you to
and I've always been like that
freedom
freedom to those I LOVE!
but I'm crippled when I'm with you
my mind and logic are lopsided
because I'm in LOVE WITH YOU
and it hurts!
I'm FAIR and RIGHTOUS and BALANCED
but it's like you walked on into there
and you hold and grasp
and the tables become violently upturned
and the vases all break
shards of glass and water is EVERYWHERE
EMBEDED in my memory
in the walls of my beating heart
and the glass is carried throughout my blood vessels
and I'm PRAYING, PRAYING, PRAYING
Oh god AM I PRAYING
that a  little peice should find its way to a major artery
and do me in there!
put an end to my painful existence in your sweet and tender arms
but then
WAIT! STOP!
I'M IN LOVE! AND I LIKE IT HERE!
PLEASE DONT **** ME!
So that I dont feel an ounce of pain
before it hits me like a rock
****** from my heart down to my GUTS
ITS A MERCY KILLING!
Have MERCY on my heart!
ITS TENDER!
BEHIND ITS FAIR, RIGHTOUS WALLS
IT'S SENT CHAOTIC
DISTURBED BY HOW DEEPLY IT FEELS
HOW DEEPLY IT CONNECTS
AND HOW DEEPLY YOU REACH ME THERE!
MAKE IT STOP
BEFORE I MYSELF AM SENT INTO SHARDS
MY PSYCHE IN SUTURES
I DONT LET MYSELF HURT
I GO STRAIGHT TO SCAR TISSUE
Because I made an OATH to myself to NEVER GO BACK THERE AGAIN!!!
but your healing touch is egging me on
reaching me slowly
and its killing me
with feathery kiss
so kiss her
so make love to her
and I will struggle with the fact that I know
as a Christian God would know
that I am special to you
that I am yours
that nobody will replace me
as you yourself have said
with words and soul parts
and intimate parts
because I value your freedom in the way you value mine
in the way that lights me up
and sets me free
but still I will loose my senses
because thats the first sign that I've allowed myself to feel
to be in love
with you

Her breath smelt of peppermints
she leaned over you
on Mr Spark’s bed
where she’d pinned you

after creeping into the room
as you made his bed
her blue eyes
peered into yours

I want you
take me to cinema
she said sultrily
you felt her ****

pressing
into your white shirt
her hands either side
of your head

I’m kind of busy Sonia
you said
you can spare time
take me to cinema

she stated
you tried to move
but she’d
pinned you well

maybe at the end
of the week
you said
you say that

but you could be lying
she breathed
peppermint
invade your nose

her red lipsticked lips
opened and closed
I promise you I will
you said

your body
beginning to numb
you promise?
yes I promise

she lifted up a little
so you could breathe
if you lie to me
I will scream

and say you throw me
on bed for ***
she said
but I didn’t

you said
I know and you know
but who they believe?
she uttered softly

you tried to ease her off
but she pushed down harder
promise me?
yes

you said
what we go see?
whatever you like
she smiled

small white teeth
showed
anything I want?
yes anything

she moved off
of you and sat
on the edge
of the bed

as you got off the bed
and brushed down
your white coat
and straightened

your red tie
and smoothed down
the bedcover
that’d become creased

she sat looking at you
her blonde hair
pinned back
with hair grips

one leg crossed
over the other
a foot dangling
the black shoe

rising and falling
where you take me?
the Ritz cinema
there’s a good film on

you said
is *** film?
no war film
you muttered

looking at her
wondering
if you could make
the door before

she jumped you again
war film?
she said
is good?

is *** in it?
I guess so
you said
watching her foot

dangling up and down
good
she said
getting off the bed

we go then
at end of week?
yes
you said

and she kissed
your lips
with her bruising lips
of bright red.