What does it mean?

Here it is, after the tumble
Where the cycles stopped spinning
It's held tightly to avoid fumble
But who is really winning?

Lies placate the biggest drives
And then there's sort of ease
Try to restart by complaining
Though this used to be release

This used to be the real place
The end goal that was shining brightly
Was it the thrill of the race?
That stimulated nightly

Mattresses are on my face
Weighing into my throat like some cake
Though my sadness is erased
Why do I want what's fake?

The real things I have make me smile
But then they just upset me
I've come so far, mile after mile
But I really wasn't ready

It's too soon to feel ok
Because I need some just turmoil
I'm acting well inside this play
But I want the snake to coil

Come attack me if you please
To save me from this heaven
Take my love and make it freeze
And make me how I had been

Why'd I crawl out from the dark
To be blinded by the light?
I want to run into the dark
And just say goodnight

If I fell and couldn't move
I would stay and get attention
Then I'd make you happy too
And resume the low suspension

The feeling is already gone
And I've created a plateau
Nobody ever told me
That I'd want to go back down below

Feelings drive me fast at night
Crashing more, now than ever
When I wake up and lose sight
I'll roll back and say whatever

Everything is the opposite
I want to go back down to feeling badly
I am not a hypocrite
But a master of duality

It means I don't know how to accept

I.
We all are cars bound to many appendages
Grasping with our minds for beginnings and ends of testaments
Always searching for new things and waiting for old to be over
Wheels repeating the motions but passing by four leaf clovers

It's over and then it's new when a period repeats itself
As my sneakers are on my feet and my flip-flops are on the shelf
When I'm driving to the beach, I don't take what I really need
My car is eagerly speeding and waiting for steel to bleed

The emotions of us are empty when sensations are rushing through us
But while the car is started, not driving is something useless
But driving can't be the key when complacence is what the ancients
Prescribe for me to survive, but then am I really alive?

II.
The engine sputters when journeys become impatient
When I'm vibing and also thriving, my shyness is somehow vacant
A wait list, a shaking matrix of info, but my lymph nodes
Are bored so am I just freezing or will these lists give me meaning?

Defined by numbers and letters is permanent, therefore better
Than fluids inside my tubing moving and assigning titles
I might pull off this whole trip but my travels would be wetter
If my fluids started leaking, so numbers are my revival

My I.D. is nothing like me, my fluids are how I can be.
So driving is what provides me with motion and stimulation
There's nobody who can stop me unless my motives become empty
So what is really plenty? Transit is the vacation

I look like I'm sixteen but I am twenty
I'm really lustful, now that is funny.
Lonely loser with an appetite,
Doesn't matter, can't get it right

No social groups to fit in
No little angels here to console
I feel emptiness from within
All I feel I have is control

Control over nothing that matters
I can't control my love for other people
I can't control who loves me
I can't control my thoughts, they're evil

I think I have it so ******* bad
My life so far's been a piece of cake
I've got a loving Mom and Dad
I feel like I am barely awake

I wish I could see my blessings,
But I'm blind to them deep inside
All I want is love where it's not
And a dark quiet place to hide

Loneliness needs a brand new name
There's a ton of people around
But people who make me feel like I'm seen
Are still rare and here, yet to be found

I take steps towards a great life
Where I'd have a career and goals
Where do I step to make my heart right?
What can I do to console?

How can I make myself feel loved?
Can I love myself any more?
Don't I love myself way too much?
Does that not even affect the score?

Do I need to put on this mask,
And bend over every single day
Open my heart, look into their eyes
And cry every time they look away?

Is my empty heart repulsive?
Is that what all these people see?
I wish I knew what drove them away
Because it ***** and it's beyond me.

I've been talking, looking for answers
Writing poems and going to counseling.
I think about this every day
And I haven't found a single thing.

Isn't it insane to keep trying?
Do the same and want different results?
Do I have to change who I am?
Wouldn't that just be really false?

Can I be true and also be happy?
Is that the cake and eating it too?
Do I have to say goodbye
To myself just to get closer to you?

Will that look in your eyes ever change?
Can someone see me and not feel bad?
Is there any hope for a change
Or am I really deep down that sad?

Am I a pity case in a box
Full of love and amazement for
People, life, music, and what's good?
Do I seem like a worthless chore?

Is that why people seem so dismayed?
Should I just not talk and not try?
"Keep trying to talk to people, Nick."
I can't look in their eyes and lie.

I can't sell a busted up product
Talk about being high maintenance
I am alone and you'd be one
You'd be my savior from isolation

I can't put that burden on someone
and I don't belong to any groups.
Will I find love in this lonely life?
I keep craving nothing but the truth

Overcome by hideous greed
Blinded to my wonderful life
Only wanting what I don’t need
At at the expense of probable strife!

To control my own instincts,
To overthrow my animosity
This would be all I need, I think,
But this is a calling for generosity.

There’s positively no way to evade
Those instincts I’m meant to overcome
Either by placation or by complacance
Though neither easily to me come

Once we longed for time to slow, and once we longed for time to pass,
We realized that resistance is futile.
We thought we saw our lives laid out before our eyes and we said, "It's coming. It's coming whether I want it to or not. It's coming at a constant rate whether I want it to or not. It's coming at a constant rate whether I want it to or not, and there's nothing I can do about it. It's coming whether I want it to or not, and there's nothing I can do about it because time on Earth is without our control absolutely."

And so we began. Life builds on life and the new behaviors and traditions are variations of behaviors and traditions past. So then we built schools and said, "This is your life. This is your path. This is what you want. This is the way. This is the life. It's coming."

We face challenges and run through systems and jump through hoops made by other people. Our leaders, our societies past, the powerful among us, have built systems. Whether we like them or not, we are, usually, a part of them. Go to school, go to more school or get a job. And suddenly, we are on a ride that we made that itself is on a ride that we did not make. We go through systems we made that were built within systems we did not make. We go through our processes and survive over time while we move through time. We live in time while time lives in us.

The systems we made dominate the world. And they grow. Whether we like it or not. The system and time, finite and infinite, variable and constant, controllable and uncontrollable, these are the two forces that guide us. Take what you can while reaching out the windows and although you, honestly, can get out whenever you want, both are worth staying on for. Both are worth staying on for. We share it and we always are all together. Society and time. A ride on a ride.

There's only enough time for one art.
One song, one movie, one painting, one heartbreak, one true love, one religion, and one moment, right now.

When you try to take more than one, and stuff them in your box inside your head, it gets full and unorganized.

The only form of art I know is seeing one person's hand. Not their physical hand, but just that outline, just that shape.
That symbol, with five little peninsulas
Sticking out from a big quadrilateral.

There's art that speaks to life in so many ways, and that's all there is.
It's all a variation on the beauty life offers.
And then, I see the hand in my mind.
Like a label, like a brand that we all subscribe to.
It says this is me, this is mine, and it's for you.
I made art, and it's from me.
Take it and let it sprint through your mind
And it'll run its hands along the walls
And try to make a mess before it leaves,
Unless it becomes one of your arts too.

Last night in my dream, in my room where I vandalized the walls with my words,
While I was sleeping,
People broke into my dream bedroom
And wrote all over the walls.

They drew pictures and drawings
And none of it made sense to me,
But I loved it.

Please keep breaking into my dreams
And decorating my mind with you.
Anyone. That makes my dreams come true.

My brain is short circuiting
My sanity's in danger
I'm a plague on most people
I'm an ugly stranger

After 10 hours of sleep
Bad thoughts really won't stop
I don't know what to do
I don't know what to drop

Can't stop loving people
Can't stop wanting girls
Can't stop resisting texting
People who ignore my whirls

I message people when I
Spiral into depression
And people then ignore me
And they teach me a lesson

I'm tired of people
Bout to move far away
Bout to wake up where I may
Eventually see brighter days

I don't know what's wrong
But I can't function right here
All I feel is rejected
Then stuffed with horrid fears

I want what I have wanted
Since I was like, fifteen
Someone to tell all my fears to
Someone to tell all my dreams to

Someone who'd stay up all night
With me just to hear what I'm saying
And I'd listen to every word
And for this girl, i been preying

And it'd be easier to say,
Who cares? Shut up!
If it wasn't the case
That other people in love

And I see them all the time
It's a **** college campus
And they ain't doing no crimes
I'm just so jealous, can't stand this!

Like I wanted a part
In a wonderful play
And then I have to see it
Performed on stage every day

And every person on stage
Is elated to be acting
But I'm in the audience
Only perceiving and reacting

And once the play is all over
The cast members take a bow
Go out and have a cast party
And look at me now!

I'm off alone in my bedroom
With bad thoughts plaguing my conscious
And I'll try to go asleep
But all those efforts are nonsense

You hear these words I'm saying
Think I can lay down in bed
Without distraction and just let
These thoughts calm down in my head?

Well no! I can't! So I load
Up on distractions
And then by 3, 4, or 5,
I finally rest and get lax, then

I have bad dreams
Wake up feeling melancholy
Do it all again
Take all the gifts life bought me

And I hate that I take
All of these gifts for granted
So many reactions in life
So much love on this planet

But my hormones, my mentality,
My maleness, or my wishes
Won't let me stop wanting love
From fully capable women

But love can't be forced!
Love can't be inspired
Love comes naturally
Love ain't women for hire

Love isn't around the corner
Love isn't begging to chill
Love isn't please spend time with me
Love isn't one awkward meal

Love isn't pity, love isn't
Ignoring my texts
Love isn't checking in on me
Since I'm a lustful wreck

Love isn't writing a poem
Love isn't kissing or hugging
Love isn't buying a gift
Love isn't loving or lusting

Nobody knows what love is
Until it falls in their lap
And right now my lap is empty
And I wish! I didn't give a crap,

But I do! And I can't stop!
I'm in a fast car
And all the doors are locked
And I'm looking afar

At all the love I think I see
I want it to happen to me
And this car ride is free
But in my society,

In my nice fast car
I have some wonderful blessings
But all the mountains and rivers
Of company give me wet dreams

And dry dreams and thoughts
About who's gonna read to me
Who's gonna ask what I'm thinking
When all my thoughts are spiraling

It's nobody! Shut up!
Just forget about it
Loves for people who're happy
And obviously you're not! Don't doubt it.

You might love yourself
You might love this life
But love where you're at too
Or love might elude you for life

Because you can't be desperate
You can't need women
Obviously, that's a deterrent
Obviously, that's worse then

Being happy and confident
And calm and complacent
So sit down! Shut up!
Until you feel that way. Then

And only then! May you hop
Out the car
And go and walk through nature
And maybe find some love

There's no guarantees!
It's all out of your control!
Just control what you can
And wait for people to know

Why they should love you
Why they should listen
Why they should see you
Why you exist, then

Once you're judged
By one outlying acceptor
You can give it a shot
But don't give them a lecture

Don't talk too much
Don't bore them to tears
Don't show your emotions
Don't show them your fears

Act like you're normal
Act like you're happy
Welcome conformity
Lest you be written off as sappy

I can tell it's not a game
I'm ready to play
I'm stumbling through life
I hate wishing time away

But I do when I'm lonely
I do when I'm sad
I really wish I had more
But I still love what I have

Looking down the barrel
Of a young adult *** life
Peril is apparent
As I spend another lone night.

Dodging gunshots,
And other times, looking for shooters.
Searching for the right moment
To escape this life of a loser.

That I might get shot one day
Is a topic of which I fantasize.
But how come I’m obsessed with this,
Yet I possess a special pride

For restricting what I have inside
And choosing to hide it away?
Make sense of this I’ve tried and tried
And it all depends on the day

Because in one hour,
I’m so glad I’m independent
And then later on,
I’ll be searching for a weapon

To come fire it’s ammunition
Of lust upon my rosy face.
It’s so built up, it’s the first time,
I’ll always know the time and place.

It’s so sought after yet so feared,
And in the end, contrarily,
I’ll just say, “is that all there is?”
And go on my solo merry way.

I’ll always see another day
And have my emotion-fueled goals.
Sensations are so stimulating,
Yet they’re so far beyond control.

So as I stare down this supposed barrel,
Defying stats by not yet being shot,
I question myself and my appearal,
And wonder to change what I've got.

Once I’m wounded forever more,
Will I love what’s new and lament what’s killed?
These sensations, I know what they’re for.
It’s nothing, I maintain with my will.

All the sensation, all this ammo,
That may or may not taint my breast,
It’s all abiotic, it’s all arbitrary,
And all it offers is a test!

Will I obsess over a barrel,
Or any other form of fire,
When what matters infinitely more
Is who is there and whose it’s guider?

Alas, it’s like a fancy food
Of which I’ll never have a taste.
For although I may one day taste this barrel,
In my heart, there’s not a place.

The trigger-puller will certainly matter,
As will any who shoot at me.
I love people, not acts or stimuli.
From fear of this barrel, I am free.

When I bought food today, the guy behind the counter said,
"How's your weekend?" and "Have a good day, Nick."
My response was, "You as well." And I really meant it. I couldn't believe he read Nickolas on my I-card, assumed people call me Nick, (which they do), and called me Nick.
I left and I thought to myself, "I'm like him."
I love connecting with people. I want to not be afraid to talk personally with people who I don't know personally. I just want to dive in.
I want to read nametags and after the wonderful young lady at Starbucks gives me my change for my Grande Caramel Machiato, I'd say, "Thanks Sara. Have a great day". She might look at me and say "Thanks! You as well! :)" Or she might say, "Thanks...you too o_O"
Does it matter?
When you give someone your love, even if it's just a milliliter, especially if it's just a milliliter, do they have to like it? Do they have to reciprocate it?
Do those people who always smile and are full of love prefer their lovees to be put off by their kindness, making the lover superior because they have more love than the lovee could ever imagine?

It's just that love has to be selfish. There must be something to gain.
I love people and I never got out of that phase of when you're a child and you think everyone is perfect and they know what they're doing.

See, I cognitively now realize that people are just as lost as me, but emotionally, I feel that everyone else is on a level above me and I am a few levels down. In terms of how much love I deserve, how much attention I deserve.

I love seeing other people happy. But me? I could do without it. It's immaterial.

So when other people love, it's lovey love, it's happiness love, it's the love that's in the air, the love that makes you hold open doors, the love that makes you human.

When I love, it's the love that makes you write letters, the love that's begging for attention, looking for approval, trying to dominate others, trying to be human.

I want to be just like you. If I could treat myself how I treat you, I might be happier.

You can love something and not care about taking care of it. You can love something and let it go. You can love yourself and let yourself go.

It's really bad but I want to share this with others because my artwork might help someone someday and it helps me and that's cool, but knowing that everything I produce might someday make someone's life better even if it's just for one second, then it's worth it. It's extremely worth it.

So I want to be like that guy who works at that place. Someone who cares. And underneath all of that "I deserve way less than other people" emotional nonsense that plagues my neurons, I am.

How can it be
that you're talking to me
but we're so far apart?

What do you see
when you have to look at me?
Does it ever break your heart?

What is this?
Who am I?
And what do you need?

Just decide it all
Everything is your call
And my loyalty is free

I don't know how
To separate what you want
From what I need

I'm just a flail
Controlled by your scale
Of emotions granted to me

What is wrong?
Are you gone?
Forever here am I

Don't try to help
Just let me wish you well
Leave me here to cry

I'm so tired
Of having to admire
Every heart-arrow fire victim

Spirit, set me free
Loving everyone and me
Is a blessing and a curse

Just give me some time
Stop making love a crime
It's hurting me so much

Every fun time
Every experience that was mine
Doesn't belong to me

They're all yours
I'm down on all fours
Searching for what you need

What's my foe?
Do you know?
Or is it just me?

All of life's seen through a lens
Provided by neurons and light beams
Upon my mental state, it depends,
And sometimes in my most radical dreams,

I control the lens and set it up
To permanently be able to embrace
All of the beauty, all of the love,
But this is tragically not the case

The lens is often out of focus
Obscured by forces mostly unknown
Beauty is gone, external locus.
My control is loosened, tables thrown.

On my best days, I see every leaf
And every drop, and every tone
I want this more, so can you please,
Negative perceptions, leave me alone.

It's like a storm, it's like roulette,
Who knows how my lens will work.
Whatever control I seem to get
Eventually fades and obscurity lurks.

Focus the lens when capable,
Fight obscurity often.
Beauty surrounds me every day,
There's so much to get lost in

I woke rattling and rocking
Gentle but still alarming
Curtains to my left and right
And black was the starry night

But within the place where I was born
Light shines about so be forewarned
Within my mind, the light did shine
But all around, no light was found

The light was in my private room
A carriage steadily rolling through
A starlit night, without any haste
Going at a perfect pace

A perfect pace that did not change
Such consistency felt awfully strange
Would that I'd stop and step outside
But I could not, I was made to hide

The driver, yes, she may be there
But truthfully, I do not care
My horses draw me forth and I
Don't know why, but they're my guide

Every inch I move forth
Is in the context of my horse
So is that all that my life is about?
Or might I take an alternate route?

Might I drift off to sleep once more
Or should I lie on the carriage floor?
And wait for death, for I know this ride
Is just my life, and it's about time

Can’t think.
Can’t speak.
Fears and insecurities
Make my mind weak.

Tumbled out
Of my selfish vision.
Looked around,
No precision.

Aimless goals
Selfish giving
Lost in translation,
The love is missing.

A promised life
My only fantasy
I love you
And you love me.

Is that how
It’s going to be?
Is this how
It’s going to be

Constant chaos
No balance
No days off
Prison palace

All that I want
No prices.
Distractions from me
My only vices.

No escape.
I can’t run.
Unmet needs
Leaving one

Or two or three
People who love me.
I love you too,
But who should I be?

The one who gets loved
And serves for thee,
Or the selfish one
Who wants to be

Even better
Than I am now.
Happiness seeking?
A huge let down

Take my life
Spread it out.
Broken hearted
Loosely mouthed.

I’m living here
Always right now
Always afraid
I won’t figure it out.

You call it love
I call it desire
You call it conformity
I call it fire

Spreading around
Placating desire
Drowning and burning
In the fire

You call it hate
I call it control
You call it loneliness
I call it soul

What’s gone is gone
From your control
What’s hated is fine,
It’s eating your soul.

You call it music
I call it life
You call it truth
I call it the knife

That cuts the deepest
Not wrong or right,
It takes what’s darkest
And brings it to light.

You call it wise
I call it aware
You call it prizes
I call it sharing

What we value,
What we prove.
If we value objects,
We’ll never lose.

You call them things,
I call them nothing.
You call them wings
I call them suffering

Flying high
Above the rest,
Where is everyone?
Is this the test

You choose to pass
By looking down?

From start to finish,
We prowl the ground
Amongst ourselves
Safe and sound
Looking for love
Looking around

Emptiness fills my attitude
Passiveness consumes my mind
It's not hatred, it's not rude
My behavior just is not aligned

Standards say I shouldn't care
And shouldn't have any respect
And if I were more an *******
I'd be less dry, and much more wet

I might be thirsty, but exchanging fluids
Takes a pretty strong connection
I stare down a mellow cup of tea
And for tonight, this is affection

The weather's nice, so I survive
When the sun is shining bright
Then, when I am so alone,
The vitamins and sights feel alright

It's only when behind closed doors
And out in streets or eateries
The moon comes out, the groups come out
And I'm alone, respectively

From my perspective, there are two.
The pursuers and the pursued
I beg for love, beg for time,
But who even are you?

Who are you to control me?
Why is there no other choice?
What events led you to have
Complete power over my rejoice?

I wasn't taught that I am nothing
And that no one would seek me out
But yet, from one night to the other
I have my time, and then my doubts

It's clearly all my own **** fault
This isolation, my one undoing
Should I disrespect women more?
For men who do seem never pursuing

But yes, it's true, I must confess
There is a wall that cuts me out
I must love all and give respect
And that, I could really do without

For if this wall would tumble down,
Oh, how much more I could relate!
What if I was much more like you?
What if I finally learned to hate?

And just add in conformity
And then castrate my eager parts
I'd become a social butterfly
And master this illusive art.

But ****! I love myself so much.
I should have put that off, and asked,
"Yeah, sure Nick, you're pretty cool,
But do you want to face the task

Of being alone for being too eager
And being too prideful to change?
Do you want some lonely nights?
Do you want to come off as strange?

Do you want to come off as deranged?
A fool who loves people he just met?
Can you bear the isolation,
Can you bear the empty bed?"

...must be that I took this deal
Without reading all the fine print
Must be great to be repealed
But I am not, so I lament

And yes, I'm blessed, and I hate myself
For wanting what I do not have
And taking what I have for granted
And granting myself the right to be sad

Because I'm so lucky to be here
I'm so lucky to have this life
But there's connections all around me
And my lack causes only strife

Sorry me, I can't just change
I can't devolve to fit the role
I wish I could, I'd love to do it
To accomplish this social goal

But shut up!
You have yourself.
People die before 20 a lot.
Please shut up, please go to bed
And just forget and be forgotten.

I'm feeling so empty
Hollowed out pumpkin with a nice expression
My thoughts are not lengthy
I can't think a thought for ten seconds

Everything is so black and white.
Nothing shines like it sometimes does.
Mood swings occupy my life.
Give me back my endorphin buzz.

The only vast array I can see
Out of the thousands to choose from
Is the memories I have of times I chose to be
Selfish, hurtful, jealous, and dumb.

The prospects don't look good,
All of my successes don't really matter.
I've either helped random people once
Or given everything to people who's love I've shattered

Whoever wants me won't for long,
And whoever I want has to have too much
But I can't stop imagining things that
I'd want if I ever really find love.

People feel bad for me,
They make those puffy lip frowning faces,
People pretend to like me and play
That awkward fake love game
Then forget they played it.

If it's all just pity love,
Or comic relief, or obligation,
Would it not make sense to find enough to keep hanging on within isolation?

Am I a burden to you?
Or did we not get there yet?
Every time you waste your life paying attention to me, does it then feel like regret?

Can you stop feeling bad for me?
Or am I just too pathetic?
Is all this poetry a cry for help,
stress relief, or a special weapon

Made to keep you away from me?
I don't care, you decide.
I'm done acting like I know what I don't
And masking my emotions with what's left of my pride.

Should I even build a career?
Or will that be another mess?
Should I keep grasping for more from life
Or just go on in sorrow and try protect all that I have left?

I can't control my moods at all,
I can't control my feelings for women.
If I could stop hurting people and wasting their time for the cost of my happiness, it'd be a quick decision.

I love people so much,
I hope they're all better of then me.
I want to go drown in love,
But I don't find it easily.

My love for people is a poison,
Other people's love is the antidote.
And every one of my poems says I'm poisonous
Because that's one of the bad thoughts I can't let go.

In my dreams, the people I've hurt forgive me,
They talk to me and care about me.
Those are all of my wildest dreams
Because nobody's come back because I'm incredibly lousy.

When it's dark I hide away,
There's never been enough to make me quit, yet.
But if I ever do get to that point,
I'll be glad I saved more people from getting wet.

I love crowded beaches,
I love concerts and video games
I hope people are always united on a micro scale,
And everyone loves with no shame.

I don't really get sad or happy
Things in my mind just either bury the darkness,
Or bring it out.

It can be vicious, but it's often not.
It simply pushes the light out of my life,
Shadowing my love, my care, my soul,
Thereby suppressing my passion.

Since I have danced with this darkness for so long,
I don't imagine that it will ever be gone.
My happiest times have been its weakest,
And my worst times, its strongest,
But the vitality that this darkness maintains inside me
Is impressive.

Despite my avoidance, my perseverance towards
Directing my thoughts towards love and pleasing others,
The darkness constantly shades my view.
I see what I love and I know what I want and what I want to do,
And it warps my simple ambitions to be selfish, toxic, and empty.

It's a never-ending battle, in some ways, but it's not really a battle.
Resistance, I have found, is futile. Distractions are welcome,
But ultimately, the darkness does not die.
In fact, when I am happy, excited, and positive,
I can feel the darkness at bat.
Waiting for my turn to be over, waiting for me to strike out
So that it can take the plate.

Realism, depression, insecurity are its allies,
Constantly giving the darkness new ideas.
New ways to distract me and sometimes, torment me.

Friends, nature, happiness, love, are its enemies.
They stun it, making the darkness forget about its goals
And letting me then forget about it, sometimes,
Those times when I'm happy. Having fun.
What I know of fun is this, essentially.

It might be that I feed it too much.
Darkness may be an attention seeking immature idiot,
Who if I ignore, would just give up. And go away.
But it's part of me, it's not some force or occasional tendency.

It's always. I am the darkness. And I am the light.
My mind is constantly moving, spinning, cycling,
With bright lights and deep darkness always dancing with me
Exciting me, frustrating me, teaching me, torturing me, loving me,
And moving me forward.

I do what I can and try to shed light,
Darkness be ******.

Come to me! Twirl around
Without a sound, with infinite grace.
Lean into me, shatter my bounds,
And swallow up my love-starved face.

Take me in your arms so cool,
Let me unwind in our dance.
Give me that hollow tender feel
Take from me the thought of chance.

We will alternate the lead,
I know how you love control.
Whisk me away! Let me be free!
Free of all my other goals.

Sometimes, we just dance forever,
Nothing matters when we're dancing
Any day and any weather,
You have such a skill for romancing!

And bear witness! You have my heart!
Inside your hands, inside your blender
Perhaps inside your shopping cart.
Buy me whole! Return to sender.

Take all of me then give me back,
Right now you have me in little pieces.
A little this, a little sad,
And here I am, full of caprices.

Rumbling across the floor,
You and I make quite a pair
We move in a big empty room,
And nobody seems to care.

Others just don't understand
This private **** dancing affair
It's gone on for longer than I planned,
But leave? You wouldn't dare!

You lurk, seducing me with thoughts
And fantasies born anew
Would we be happy or distraught?
Calm times abundant or good times few?

When you look me in the eyes,
My mind freezes, you're all I see.
How are you so beautiful
When you're inside of ugly me?

The problem is I'm all you know,
And all I know, I come to love.
I enjoy your stimulating show,
And wait around for your rough shoves.

Shake me up and make me feel
So that my heart rate escalates
My feeling can be measured in numbers,
Give me sorrow, make me irate.

It's such a rush! We move in sync,
You make me want to dance all night.
Our dance is over in one blink,
You steal the hours from my life.

It's either you or nothing at all,
And frankly, I'm afraid to leave.
When returning, I always crawl
And bow down and beg at your feet.

"You give me treasure, you give me dance,
You are my poetic inspiration.
Although I let you wear my pants,
You're all I see in isolation!

I love you, I love you, Don't ever leave me,
Dance me wildly like you mean it,
You're a hurricane, I'm a tree,
Take me dancing with a twist

The dance will be a lifelong one,
Sometimes a prominent promenade,
But since we're dancing all life long,
Face my wrath and deescalate!

I'll drive you wild when we tango,
We can have fun for years to come,
But if you thought my endurance was infinite,
Engrossed you have become!

I might need you, but I'm all you've got
But despite that, leave me be.
You occupy my attention fully,
But close my eyes, and I must see!

I must move forward, and dancing with you
Depletes me of my loving hours
You might think you're all I have too,
But not when I have power!

Power gives me push and hunger
to fight and give my mind candy
You'll taunt me now and for much longer,
And that's all fine and dandy,

But respect my need to escape sometimes.
My need to have more than just you.
You make my life sometimes sublime,
But I don't really like you!

Compared to my other main drags
That manipulate my body as well.
You might be a main force in my life,
But usually nobody can tell.

Torture me more, be my partner,
Give me the fuel for these stupid rants,
I'm docking safely in your harbor
Dance! Dance! Dance!

Derision about precision
Makes my poetry a mockery
My words fit somewhat nicely
But my meanings are lost like me

I can't tell where this is going
But I'll know where it is soon
It is long and it is hard
But I'm composing a new tune

A linear progression
Would warrant fewer questions
And it'd be like all my heroes
Instead of like all my best friend's

Favorite musical artists
And those are generally rappers
And I have rap in my heart
And that is what really matters

So my words have to fit nicely
But meanings are not as vital
People who get it might like me
And if not, there's always "life goals"

And other universal
Generic humor that pleases
But artwork takes something moral
And breaks it down into pieces

And sometimes it's like a sculpture
Or maybe more of a collage
Sometimes meaning's apparent
Other times it's a barrage

And it's hitting you all over
And you don't quite see the picture
But sometimes that brings us closer
Because life too is a mixture

Of things that don't fit nicely
And things that can hit you strongly
This poem's ordered but it might be
Something that you'll think of fondly

Bodies of water,
Within my grip
No reason to not
Take a dip.

No full submergence,
Just the fingers.
This is learning
Without stingers.

No pain required,
No remorse needed.
Embarrassed and tired,
But not depleted.

On the road
To being needed,
What is owed
Is what I’ll feed this.

5 fingers
Testing waters
Bridging channels
Being modern

When I was younger and more desperate,
I hung on every word I heard
From those who I admired most
And those who thought I was absurd

Every new message was a blessing,
Every acknowledgement was a gift,
I'd instantly reply and then sit waiting
For another other-worldly gift

It was quite often I'd be dismayed
When someone wouldn't text me back
I'd pretend I wasn't thinking about it
And proceed with my normal life, sad.

It was just one wish I had back then
To be placed upon someone's list
To receive the love that I would give
And learn what an equal relationship is!

Often times I hear, "text slower!
Don't make yourself seem desperate!
If you reply right away,
You'll send the wrong kind of message!

You need to wait at least 5 minutes
Or if you want to win, 5 days.
Only if you really back off
Will you stand a chance of getting paid

In the attention and love of others.
You think you love, but love is this;
Abide by society's expectations
And fit real love into the slits

That society leaves for what love's worth
It's not a lot, so don't be greedy.
These expectations are absolute
And not made for the needy."

I'm soaking in these messages
And thinking how wrongly I've been being
There's so much that I do not do
Because I don't see what they're seeing.

So if I choose to wait 2 hours
Instead of texting in 2 minutes
Aren't I just wasting 1 hour
And 58 of my life's minutes?

Would it not be more foolish
To pretend I don't care at all
And text you two weeks later
And never hear from you at all?

Could I ever be so arrogant
As to assume my attention's a gift?
Would somebody desperately await my text?
Is that what love really is?

People play these faithless games
And I do not get it at all.
If you like someone, you like someone
If you don't, well, it's your call.

But in this dance, there's no romance.
You're just wasting your precious time.
How can people ignore opportunities
And dangle other people's lives?

You want to seem really important
You want to seem really busy
You want to seem like you don't care.
Is apathy really living?

Is apathy your best bet
To win over another's heart?
Is romance dead and love foolish
And honesty falling apart?

Use your hours and minutes wisely
Being genuine and direct is nice.
Although I started a desperate loser,
I still never have to think twice.

What was once a flailing grasp
Is now a calculated decision
I want the love I have to last
And pardon my derision

But I don't have the time, respect
Or patience for any of these games.
If I like you, I'll text you back
And I hope you do the same.

I have a love of directness
That is one of my favorite blessings.
I talk to people candidly
And never leave them guessing!

It's a lost art, I'm an old soul
It's really fun, despite these facts
I hope directness will live on
And our society texts it back!

I want to give it all
I want to volunteer.
But what good is my gall
If I'm not even here?

I want to love you more,
I want to help you out
I want to shed some light
I want to strip your doubt

Stand upon my shoulders
Use me as a step ladder
If I couldn't support you, though,
Wouldn't I just not matter?

Take what's mine and make it yours
Use me the best way you can
Dock your boat upon my shore
Explore and prosper from my land

Take my crops, read my books,
Heed my wisdom, see my example!
Just don't misuse what you took,
From my supply, just take a sample

It's not much that I have for you,
But that is really all there is.
A grain of sand for your grand castle
Might not be much, but take my drips.

When you take, you give me more
Without having to give at all!
When I try to take and fail,
I feel pathetic and so small

Would anyone benefit from me
With my grandeur and my twists?
Is this mess behind a mask forlorn?
Might it just as well not even exist?

Take taxi cabs, use tennis shoes,
Move forward with life itself
And if you feel a calling to help me,
Leave that burden on the shelf.

My perspective's gone and twisted
I don't really know about my place
My nightmares calm me after my dreams
Shove what I want in my face!

And oh, if I could just change that!
How much I want what I truly don't!
How badly I long to be accepted,
How badly I long to be left alone!

Pain in my heart, pure straight jacket!
Confine my moves to make me seem
Like I could ever be someone's hero!
Like I could ever fulfill someone's dream!

It's all a ruse! I'm such a mess,
I write this poem out of rejection.
You miss the shots you never take,
But taken shots can be deadly weapons!

I see shots that I could take,
And I refuse and it ***** for days,
But I take shots and my heart breaks
And I can't make this go away!

Where's the exit to this maze,
Is it the real Suburban Dream?
Do I need psychoactive drugs
To **** the part of me that bleeds?

Where's the napkins? Where's the gauze?
This bleeding really needs to stop!
I can't just ask for a transfusion,
And if it dies, then I'll be lost!

I'm guided by my bleeding heart,
One failure after the next,
I beat myself down night after night,
And now, all I can say is, what's left?

What is there left in my hollow shell
Besides my love and my caring nature?
There's also tons of ways to waste time,
Will artwork be my savior?

Is numbing the pain until it's gone
The right answer, my best bet?
I need to find some way to be strong
And try to save what I have left.

Let me help you, give me meaning,
Give my ungrateful self some worth!
There's only so much time I'll have
To love people here on this earth.

Oftentimes I have looked down my sight
And fired a shot, my aim just right.
Instantly, it becomes clear I was wrong.
My recoil wrecked my aim, so far gone.

It was then so, that I missed my mark.
Not by a few inches, but by a few yards.
I wasn't even close! But now I will start
To learn to control what lies in my heart.

To fire a shot requires precision
But one must also have a delicate grip
You must make your aim, but then stop and listen,
Close your fingers, don't let the aim slip!

Stay true to the target, don't lose sight.
It's true if it's you and if it's you, it's right.
It's wrong to lose control, the shot backfires,
And off will it go, into the mire.

Find the right balance, make the grip good.
Hold on loosely, as one always should.
Let the shot flow, even so slowly.
In this moment, your heart will sing nobly.

I stare inside an empty chest
Where used to, there be such a mess
Panic, fear, urgent anxiety
To certain varieties of these drugs
I make a toast to my sobriety

A right of passage,
Was my consumption.
What I chose to do
How I chose to function
My takings of nothing and making them something
Are nowhere to be found,
Except away from me, running

What’s gone is gone
What’s mine is mine
What’s outdated and failed
For it, there’s no time
No rhyme or reason
No proper season
No excuses
Now, we’re even

This heart shaped box
Was in disguise
Though it told truths,
Now they are lies.
Truth is subjective
It’s all about time.
Mine has now changed,
How sublime!

Full of love,
Not driven by it.
No reckless outpours,
I keep it quiet.
And in my mind,
Rather than a riot,
The fog is cleared.
I’m glad I tried it.

Sometimes I'm good
But now I'm even better
I can't control my feelings
When I break out into sweaters

And colors stand out so much
And then also I wear some collars
People think I have it made
But I feel jealous of ballers

And people who live with others
And people who live with brothers
And sisters and then their covers
Hide all of their different lovers

But hiding is not one way
They take them and then here's what hurts
There's one thing and then another
And I might just be a pervert

But I can't avert my thoughts
I would love to be in a circle
Spinning a bottle hotly
And making my face turn purple

It turns red! And white
But I want more social pressure
Not the keep-me-up-at-night one
But the one that seems much better

But it can't be fabricated
And it can't quite be sought out
And it won't happen to me
Because I have too many doubts

And shrouded beneath my mouth
Is a superego completely
Controlling my every move
So how could someone ever read me

And be comfortable or open
When my mind is like the ocean?
I go with the flow but know this
I can take you on a gross trip

And by that I mean a lame one
Where your boat is somewhat closed in
And you're trapped with me and feel some
Unappetizing emotions

That's the mood that people's faces
Take on when my mouth is open
And then I go out and chase them
But my heart just feels quite broken

And I used to think it was them
which is odd since I often blame me
But then my new realization
Made me wake up to the new key

See part of me loves all people
And part of me holds myself back
So if I could just now solve that
Could I live how I want real bad?

Took my time as I woke myself
Made it my prime, simultaneously fell
Now I'm here, looking back
I built myself along this track

Every day, another piece
Black paint for the formerly white sheep
Learn and learn, watch and imitate
Slowly conforming to the idea of wait

Here I am, I love myself
But nothing to show for it lies on my shelf
Materialism isn't what I desire
What I desire is cognitive fire

Fire that will make me help others
Fire that takes me out from my cover
Still I want more, I can't even reflect
This is me looking back, so I'm not done yet

Every single movement that I made
Every memory I decided to save
Every person I was pleased to have known
Every person who knows I have grown

They made me love all, they set me free
As is they were, so that I could be
Rungs on a ladder, steps up the stairs
Every single one, it is not even fair

It isn't fair that they loved me back
It isn't fair that I was rarely attacked
Why did you let me walk with you always?
Why the kindness, the unconditional praise?

Don't ever change, don't stop moving on
Don't stop moving until your energy is gone
Thank you for taking time to give me your eyes
Thanks for myself, my real grand prize

Thanks if you ever looked in my direction
Thanks for your constantly veiled affection
Thanks if you even gave me any of your words
Thanks for making my voice feel it was heard

I love myself more and more every day
It really helped to be discouraged to dismay
All that I do that I can't really face
You helped me to stop trying to erase

Well now, I have felt love, every day more
And all who I met, hopefully they do too
I hope that I reached you through my actions
I hope I gave anyone some satisfaction

Don't take me back! It's time to move on
All of these memories are already gone
I must move forward, search for better days.
Loved you even more, now a fadeaway

Walking alone through the rain
My feel were calm, my heart strained
It never comes a day too late
My endless healer, loving faith

Faith keeps me grounded when my heart flies
Faith gives me life when my spirit dies
Faith narrows my sights when they're too broad
Faith makes me want to beat the odds

But actually, the odds are my faith
Odds are I'll do well and graduate
And get a job, and have some kids
And try to teach them how to live

Faith feels so deep, spiritual, and real
From where it's derived, here's the deal
It feels the deepest part of me
It feels like what only my heart sees

It feels like faith is the love in my mind
It feels like faith helps me unwind
Faith makes me want another day
Faith drives all of the fear away

But faith stems from logic and reason
Math and odds about my life
Every season, I move forward
But faith keeps me away from the knife

It's origins make it contradict
And they are all that makes me sick
So thank you faith, you ever patient
Love-flight-dream simulation

The look upon their faces are happy
And I reflect, dreadfully failing.
My sadness leaks and overflows
For their bright hearts, I’ll be a railing

Should my darkness infest another’s
Wonderful pleasant perfect light,
I would flee, my heart smothered
By having done what I see as right

Bare my heart? Share my thoughts?
And ruin other people’s day?
Or let their lives go on, in time,
Revealing myself to scare them away?

Either option keeps them safe
From experiencing my disease.
It’s not lethal, it doesn’t even harm
The trunk of the recipient’s lovely tree.

Rather, it’s a time muncher,
This disease I sometimes spread
Contracted by being attractive,
Making me wish I controlled my head.

Sorrow, I take vitamins always
Trying to make myself contained
But real life happens, something sparks
And from life, I can’t get away

Willingly spreading, sneezing in faces
I’m bewilderingly advised to do.
Would anyone really drink my snot?
If you were me, would you achoo?

Or would you hide in a little corner
Making yourself a little life,
Being depressed but loving yourself
Enough to avoid harming the knife?

Life! Aren’t they all better without me?
Could I really make someone’s day?
Well, if I did, it’d soon go awry
Once my starving heart scared them away

I’m not low key, I’m not even calm,
I don’t even know what there is to life.
I feel attractions. I do things sometimes.
What a beautiful mindless spite.

Holding back my feral sneezes.
Resisting germs that come my way.
I stand strong, thank yous and pleases
Wanting more, constantly amazed.

I see people, they are so happy.
Please, continue being thus.
I’m in the corner, always laughing.
Avoid disease, love is my trust.

You’d like if I was a rock,
You want me to act all hard
Not capable of shock,
Stable, strong, and without scars

I’m not that heavy
I’m not even tethered
To the ground beneath my feet
Instead I fly like a feather

Fly like a feather,
Up in the sky
Falling victim to the weather
Yeah all day and night, I fly like a feather
Fly like a feather

We all get caught up
In various places
Wearing various faces
Inside various races
Racing to the day
When we finally come face to face
With what we want until we have it
And we wear it as a bracelet
But once you get the bracelet,
Soon you’ll want the necklace
And soon you’ll have a checklist
And soon you’ll go out reckless
And drop all that you have
Until you get the cracked message
That your enemies are headless
Fallen victim to your leverage.
Can I get a beverage?
I’m way too thirsty
I’m a feather in a whirlwind
And all of this wind is whirling
I don’t know what I want
And I want what I can’t control
And I’m admitting it, for once,
That I have many shallow goals
And all of my real goals
Don’t really reach to my soul
I have this beautiful life I stole
Smiling faces, honor role,
But when I’m faced with a storm
Of someone whose wonder I can’t code
Then my mind short circuits
And it’s stuck on flying and rolling

Like a feather
Up in the sky
Falling victim to the weather
Yeah all day and all night, I fly like a feather
Like a feather

What everybody wants from me,
Would that make my life so much better?
Should I try to soak up some water
To make myself a bit wetter
So I can shiver and die
In this cold harsh reality
Instead of daring to keep flying
To keep everyone else without me?
I’m doubting my reasons
My instinctive seasons
That command, keep marching
That command keep bleeding
Out your heart, mind, and soul
Even though it’s so shallow
But sometimes shallow runs deep
When your mind stuck in the shadow
Of your dreams, dreams manipulated by hormones
I’m stuck in fantasies of wanting to not be alone
But there’s attraction involved
And my problem is not solved
Should I go for what I want
Or leave this issue unresolved?
Well, I tried pursuing girls, twice I succeeded
But to sum it up mildly,
My progress was deleted
And my good intentions,
Well, those were defeated
And I got what I deserved
Because I’m chuck full of weakness.
Dreamless, I moved back to isolation
Where I was told how to act
And told to just be patient
But I’m not a monk
And I’m not yet muted
So when I meet a cute girl
My final thesis is proven,

I just fly like a feather
Up in the sky
Falling victim to the weather
Yeah, all day and all night I fly like a feather
I fly like a light feather

What’s better,
Acting normal until you and me are together
Or expressing myself explicitly and making you not get hurt
By showing you how I’m thirsty
Sending texts and writing letters?
Let me know what you prefer
Don’t make this choice subjective.
I’m in your storm, I’m moved by your beauty
It’s the rain and the wind,
The appearance and intelligence
I want this and I turn you away
I can’t escape, I love every day
In my mind there’s nothing,
But there’s so much to say
I don’t think when you fly me,
You just whisk me away
And I’m never worried here
In this storm, this blessing,
Why are my words smart?
Why are my words jesting?
Is this manipulation,
Am I treating you right?
Can I ask more questions
Is this the day before the night?
Is this the light to the dark,
The storm before the calmness
Of the upcoming loneliness
I’ll feel when you don’t return my call?
When your storm stops and never comes again at all?
Well, like, I said, I might want to be a stone,
So once your storm’s done, fine,
I’ll be a feather alone
Until again I’m a feather blown
So light, so free,
So without any control
This is all I’ll ever be!

I fly like a feather
Up in the sky
Falling victim to the weather
All day and all night I fly like a feather
Fly like a feather

I wish we could be together
Up in the sky
Having love, making weather
All day and all night, whether wrong or whether right,
I fly like a feather

I.
Why must my selfish, lustful, counterproductive desires interfere with my capability and passion to help others?
I have abundance of selfish desires...I might even go as far as saying I am "selfish" or "self-centered".
However, my desires fall in one of two dire categories...Those that I want, but are out of my control, and those that are useless or mildly productive at best.
Video games? Relationships? Approval?...Do these make me stronger? Will I be able to help more people this way?

II.
What else is there other than assistance? Is that the most accessible form of love, is that the only selfish reason I want to help people?
Can I really internalize the fact that helping others makes at least two lives better (myself and whoever I help) and the additional fact that doing things for myself is worthless? How much do I need to relax? Why can't I help people and then help some more and sell my video games and donate my blankets?

III.
Do I owe it to myself to purify my actions and devote my life to service? Or am I an unnecessary element who should serve in a minimal way while simultaneously indulging in nothingness and desperation for love? The dangers of temptation haunt me because if I ever get what I want, it will make my life so much worse and I'll be so much more useless since my desperation will probably consume me and I'll waste my time stimulating myself behind closed doors and I won't really be helping anybody except for myself.

IV.
Take your time. Help in moderation. Let me walk in the street and please don't run me over. I feel good. I don't want what I want but I do want whatever melancholic love concoction I have brewed in my mind where ideas boil and the base liquid of selfishness is made wholesome by the distributive food coloring of love.

If I could, I'd love to help.
But you say no, with such disdain.
You reject my hands and open arms
And your eyes say go away!

I never want to do you harm,
I always want to keep you safe,
But my slimy worthless protection
Is of no use, so go away!

With simple words, you say so much
Your tone and expression pave the way
For my shameful, pathetic rebuttal
And all I heard then was go away!

It's not about the words you choose
It's not about the things you say
It's not about the way you say it
All I hear is go away!

If I'm not helping you at all,
If I'm just breathing, wasting space,
Will you give me an urgent call,
And request that I go away?

Will you do work and make things right,
Prepare your future, play your games,
And not allow me to interfere?
You have your own, so go away!

Your stupid emotions weigh so much
They are so depressing, I'm dismayed
I've heard enough pathetic mumbles,
Stand up, and go away!

I keep my head down, do my duties,
So let's now just make a trade,
You act like me and I'll throw you out!
There, it's done! Now go away!

Your stupid self-love comes in handy,
I know you won't resort to blades
You'll get sad, sleep, and wake up normal!
That's good enough! So go away!

Your place in my life is not a long one,
Every day, you fade away,
But then is not quite soon enough,
I've seen you here, now go away!

What are you doing with open arms?
You want to hug me like we're mates?
We're not, and your request disgusts me,
Hang your head and go away!

Did you think that I liked you?
And would benefit from your embrace?
I need that even less than I need burdens
Like your misery, now go away!

If you want me to love you back,
Give that up, that's a mistake.
There's nothing that I love about you,
Sorry! Yeah, so, go away!

I know your needy heart shaped eyed
Are looking towards me like a plate,
I don't have any food to offer,
Starve or die, just go away!

Your poems are all the same fears!
"I'm all alone, there's no escape."
You ungrateful loving worthless fool!
Lose this facade and go away!

I'm tormented by this one voice,
Night after night, day after day,
How dare I ask for more than this?
Act like it's gone and go away

Hello, York Suburban! It’s great to be here today, there’s nowhere else I’d rather be...speaking...than right here...with all of my awesome classmates. I can’t believe we made it here, you know, this was a really great experience, going through school and everything. Back in the day, before our generation became obsessed with social media and electronic stimulation, I used to have a past-time that I greatly enjoyed. I don’t practice this...practice, much anymore, but back when I was young, I used to watch cable tv a lot. I know, I’m really dating myself here. When I say dating myself, I mean, we’ve been dating for a little over 18 years, myself and I, that is. Anyway, watching tv, yes, and when I used to watch tv, I saw what our media portrays as a usual high school life. And much like everything the media portrays, I later found out that high school is nothing like how it is portrayed. I used to think it would be a bunch of young adults standing around, talking about each other, with each other, waiting a few tenths of a second for the studio audience to start laughing, that part was definitely only on tv. (If no laughs, move on. If laughs, say, maybe it wasn’t only on tv). Anyway, yeah, they were all standing around talking on tv, so young, gullible me, I thought  I would just stand around and talk for four years. In order to prepare for this activity known as high school, I proceeded to wear what I thought everyone wanted me to wear, I only expressed myself when I thought I should, not when I wanted to. And for my first year, that was about all I did, more or less. I was scared at first, I was defensive and I loved my life back then, but my life was motivated by fear way too much. My whole life changed after that like the sun changes the sky when it rises. There was a light that came into my life, or should I say, the light came from within myself. I had revelations about my motivations, my beliefs, and how I wanted to live my life. Once I started being who I wanted to be and making choices that were good for me and were the choices I wanted, I started to love myself. During my time at York Suburban, thanks to all of the amazing people I interacted with, I learned to love my life more and more every day. I learned that if I continued to express myself, I would increasingly love myself as well. Expressing yourself is so important because it doesn’t just build your confidence, it builds you! When you express yourself, you learn what you like and don’t like about yourself, and that’s what happened to me. Even though a lot of my high school career was unfortunately spent alone, or feeling isolated in some way or another, I really loved watching other people express themselves and have fun. I always wanted everyone to express themselves more because I learned that I love watching people express themselves, it’s the most beautiful behavior I’ve ever seen and that will never change. I learned so much from every person I had the privilege of interacting with, so thanks everyone, you know, that was really great. I love you all! And that won’t ever change. But I can’t promise I’ll remember all of your names, and I don’t expect you to remember many either. Kids these days, you know, always overstimulated by media and smart phones haha. But when you leave, really take yourself with you! Take yourself and hold on to what you love within yourself. That’s enough, you don’t have to hold on to any memories here. Siddhartha Gautama (also known as Buddha) once said, “Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.” It’s sad to leave this all behind, but leave it all behind. It’s ok to be happy and remember the good times, but I love you all, I want you to succeed! Don’t just remember memories, create memories! Keep changing yourself, changing people around you, and changing the world until your body runs out of energy! That’s all I ask. I’d like to thank all of the employees here at York Suburban High School for giving our class a healthy and constructive environment, full of excellent role models, and good life lessons. And thanks to my family too, especially my brother Max, he’s really cool. Also, check out my Hello Poetry account, Nick Gati ;) haha. I had to plug at least one electronic media account, this is our generation! And before I leave, I would like to recite a rap that I wrote.

Class of 2015
Let me say what I mean
I’ve been inside this machine
For four years and I’ve seen
People loving and hating
People giving and taking
People in boots shaking
People with hearts breaking
I’m like Kendrick Lamar without the beats or the fame
I’ve got rhyme and time, I’ve got pride and shame
It took me too long to make my life mine
It took me too long, but I’m right on time
I love being weird here before you all
I love it so much, but let me take this call
“Hello? I am currently giving a speech
Before I go to IUP to learn how to teach.
I’ve gotta speak these bars to try to communicate
How all we need is love, we don’t need any hate
So let me hang up, I’ll call you tomorrow.”
MY WHOLE LIFE has been consumed by too much sorrow
It was hard, at times, to navigate my way
I had times where I’d go days not knowing what to say
Until I found all the answers written in my mind
Until I changed myself and became one of a kind
Thank you all for letting me express myself
And express yourself too, leave your pride on the shelf
Love people, love life, and remember these words,
Life is about listening and letting others know that they’re heard

Full cart
Forgotten wallet
Poetic justice
Minimal profit

Nothing purchased
Nothing gained
Small wonder
I remain sane

I’ve grown up in grocery stores
Admiring their hearty stock
In my story, the constant lore
Is stable silence followed by rock

So loud, and yet so quiet
Mind spinning, logic ignored
Emotions twirling, guiding, lying,
What is my hungry heart for?

Amongst shoppers, I am a dreamer
Amongst haves, I am have not.
The silent soldiers fighting a war
Against the accumulating ***

Obsessive comes close to scratching
What my mind is like when nervous
I want what I want, so I’m asking
And asking has thus far, been worthless

If only love that eludes my grasp
Were but a loaded shopping cart
I’d run to my apartment and run back
My happiness, some cold pop tarts.

Alas, the vitality I seek,
The stimulant that’s most stimulating
It makes me dumb, it makes me weak,
And requires calculated manipulating

Of which I am not capable,
Or at least, strongly averted from.
To myself, I remaiin faithful
Even though I am so dumb.

Muster up a little patience,
Muscle up, shut up, be a man.
Mysterious mature, that’s the cadence
That’s the gold standard panned.

I glimpse it, from time to time
Across the colored movie screen.
These men succeed and I often fail,
But what does my own failure mean?

Is it me? Or is it them?
Or am I close, but not quite there?
Will my fatigue be what makes me
Depressed enough to seem like I don’t care

So my annoyingness, gone, in thin air?
So my emotional longings will be bare?
So into eyes I could finally stare
And not always ask, what’s in there?

What do you see, looking at me?
I never know, until I’ve chosen
To let my selfish heart unleash
Until it’s finally cracked wide open

Until you see me as I’ve chosen
To see myself, full of erosion
Wasted space, a dreadful ocean
Of empty thoughts and rugged lotion.

Talking so much, never saying.
Giving so much, never reaping.
Sleeping so much, never dreaming.
Running so much, never leaving.

Chasing so much, only finding
What I’ve found is not astounding
My horrible mind, abandoning reality
Leaving everyone once they’ve found me.

Refusing life rafts while I’m drowning,
Breathing in water, heart is pounding,
Self inflicted, always counting,
Choosing pain, refusing mouthpiece.

Loving so much, never caring.
Caring so much, never sharing.
Sharing so much, never connecting.
Making connections, shortly empty.

Meditating so much, never praying.
Laying so much, making me lazy.
Letting my emotions control me so much,
I’m selfish, never learning, never changing, crazy.

I see you now,
You always go.
All I ask,
Continue to grow!

Of good and bad,
I’ve much to learn.
But there’s good in you,
This I know.

The molecules around,
When you speak,
Come together,
And start to glow.

You’re wondrous words,
Always well sewn.
It’s such a gift,
Your fabric flow.

I always laugh,
You always know.
I can’t hold back,
My cover’s blown.

You try so hard,
You’ve made it known.
You’ve come so far,
It’s so well toned!

This character
You’ve fought to make
For whom you’ve had
To give and take

And at times,
You’re bent to break!
But you hang out
And make fate wait.

Powering through,
Commiting choicely.
What’s old is new
When you’re rejoicing

Of gifts of life!
You see so many,
And when you present,
They’re never ending.

What once was mild,
You revitalize
And for old subjects,
I have new eyes.

Thank you.
I always know
Everything I do
Might be the dough

That you can take
And make more pizzas
For the whole world
To love and eat some!

Never stop
Sharing your gifts,
Don’t doubt your skill.
Don’t doubt your wit.

It’s always worth
A contribution
For conversations,
You’re evolution.

It’s not all good,
But I am biased.
So despite this
Treasured alliance,

I’ll confess to you,
I think you’re perfect.
Not flawless,
But the flaws are worth it.

For when your flaws
Meet your traits,
It’s such an awesome
Wondrous way.

Of good and bad,
I don’t know much.
But continue to grow!
And always love.

After all that has been done
The skills that were crafted
The person that you crafted
Was it all done
Just to hide away?

When melancholy takes over
and opportunity is within sight, but not within reach
It is formidable, tempting, optimistic and pessimistic, all at the same time!
Where else but within a hideaway

When shame and self doubt simultaneously break you
Or rather corner you as two walls closing in
Along with shelter and independence
They form the hideaway

Outside voices dip into your consciousness
Like a ping pong ball trying to penetrate a brick wall
Offering simple advice and above all else begging you
Not to hide away

But before and after the beginning of the hideaway
The social clock summons you
And you must follow and in this moment
You couldn't hideaway

The power within controls us
The power that that we have
The power that we made
The power that you have honed since you were born, and the power that you have built around, and made yourself around
And you made choices that built you
And did you really become who you are
Just to hide away?

"Better men have realized alone is not a venture
A decent man would realize alone is not a venture
Just to hide away, hide away"

Once you realize that alone is no where to live but perhaps to unwind
You will be at peace in body and in mind
And once you remember yourself and your journey that you've been on since birth to build yourself into who you want to be...
Once I wrote this poem...
I couldn't hide away

I. Entrance
Rough and soft
I clear a space
Foot by foot
Your soft embrace

Quickly pulling
Yet gently easing
Giving me strength
Willingly teasing

I look around
And see a mess
But closing my eyes
Relieves this stress

Being adaptable
Disables structure
Being passive
Encourages lovers

To embrace this gentle layer
And children too, without a care
But beware! This passive part
Can become sharp when sunshine starts

It's so simple, yet so advanced
Far from the surface, without big plans
This is the entrance, this is the mask
To penetrate is often a simple task

They're here then gone when it is sunny,
Sand ridden showers or merchants and money,
There's some green life, some little creatures,
But beyond these, there are not many features.

People naturally want much more
People dig into the core
And so it goes! Goodbye, layer 1,
You weigh us down, but we must run.

II. Treasures
Course and dark,
Here lies the treasure!
Here are the products
Of life's endeavors.

The wrath of under
Crushes prizes
That sharpen up
And feed us dryness

This part by far is most extensive
And also, naturally, most defensive.
All our life's work, and it's for this
But there are more than a few twists.

When three and four are full of hearty
Lucky people who reside, hardly
The leftovers are in this lot
And deduce gain from this, we do not.

We truly don't want all these treasures
Fine expenses who're torn and weathered
A mix of one and three and rocks,
There's no substance but legs of docks.

More often piers, that need foundation.
Much like layer one, this is a station
When all folks must pass through
Before truly entering you.

We detect your gritty sincerity
And thank you for your biological charity
Creatures live here, but not us!
We long for the danger of trust.

III. Wetness
So calming
So very cool.
In this zone,
Smoothness rules.

It looks so flat,
It looks at ease.
Not adaptable,
But not quite free.

Some stop in two,
They are so patient.
They long for peace and isolation
From what lies beneath the layers.
The life of four does not live there.

But now in three! We start to wet.
The closeness reveals the danger.
We sink our heels and scan around.
Ocean, you're no longer a stranger.

At your crest is so much fun!
This is where we play some games.
From here, we may be rarely stricken.
But from this far, we know you're tame.

From this far, we get what we need.
We get a drop of what we live for.
We might love you, we might keep you.
Or we might begin to need more.

Setting up camp here is easy to do.
Some do it for all their lives.
If we never dive deep, however,
What lies beneath is left to derive.

Sometimes, when you're feeling most high,
You push yourself and greet us nicely.
But hidden away, when low and wise,
You make layer 3 more empty.

Either way, with some pushing,
We know we may come forth.
Here's where adventure lives,
And where journies may start their course.

IV. Drown
One was gentle,
Two was borning,
Three was an
Excellent warm up.

Show me power.
Show me strength.
Give to us
All of your love.

I dive deep, a little submergence.
I feel lighter. I feel free.
There's a struggle,
I can't change you,
But it is just you and me.

Being inside you,
Feeling so locked up,
You're all I can think about.
The more I get to know and love you,
The harder it is to get out.

My eyes tell me you offer much.
Infinite substance to find.
I am overwhelmed by your touch.
Yet all is true and none are lies.

Sometimes your embrace is so gentle,
But you can take me off my feet!
I try to anticipate every movement,
But you're so brutal and so sweet.

Yet here I am! Yet I have entered,
And I could not be more pleased.
You off danger, offer stimulation,
Lifting me off my shaking knees

The young and restless, they might think
Themselves invincible and strike.
Love these fools and please protect them,
Allow them to escape your strife.

Your addiciting terrors!
Your auditory illusions!
Your shallow entrance
That turns so deep!

You've lived so long,
You know our movements,
Calm down
And let us sleep.

Although we think you of no mind,
Your variation and beauty overpower
Disillusions of any kind,
You're offering at every hour.

And hours fly by when tangled in you,
You offer frequent wild rides,
I'd say we trust you, I'd be your friend,
But both of those would be just lies.

Savage! Heathen! Brutal trickster!
We're tumbling when you can't rest.
Layers one through three come from you, four.
Your infinite lovable aquatic stress.

When we leave you, you stay with us.
In the forms of rock, water, then memory.
One of nature's most complex metaphors,
You have taught us how to be.


.

My skin reflects my insides
Because it is not quite perfect.
I've attempted cosmetic solutions,
But is it really worth it?

Would clearer skin help me
Sell myself and make me a better man?
Or are is my red acne
Just part of who I am?

The redness is a stop sign
That alerts to not come closer,
If you try to stick around,
You'll experience no hurt,

But you'll get bored and
I'll be confused about why you stayed,
So just stop, look, listen,
And go away.

My stop sign says stop and stare
And glance on over here,
My imperfections will satisfying
Stimulate your fear,

You'll think "what if I looked like that!
I need to take a shower,
Take some soap and wash my
Skin every third hour."

The stop sign is a warning
Of what happens when you're careless
If you don't give a ****,
Then you'll be really embarrassed

You'll be ugly just like me
And then you'll stop and wonder why
People speak, and acknowledge
But don't look in your eye.

People acknowledge
But won't look in your eye.

It's red and stuff and
Shameful because I am embarrassed
There are people who I want
And people who I cherish

And some of them see right past me
And look into my soul,
But many of them
Fail to relinquish control.

They are scared and they
Won't relinquish control.

Please see the warning signs
And respect my skin.
It's not just red but hairy,
And if you even begin

To touch me, or look at me
In a way that freaks me out,
I'll be unclear about
What life's all about.

Yeah, I'll be unclear
About what life's all about.

My head is filled with doubt
Although my heart is filled with love,
You can have some if you want,
But there's a condition I trust.

After a couple years of skating
All around this icy rink
I've found that love slips
And falls and craves another drink.

Love slips and falls
And craves another drink.

Some people I love
A lot, I don't love at all
Because they seem to think I'm ugly,
And they treat me like I'm small

And they put their hand on their neck
And turn the other way,
This sort of treatment
Really makes my skin quite great

This sort of treatment
Makes me feel really quite great!

I'm jealous of people who
Have everything I ******* want.
I'm scared to find it and
They have it, and it ******* *****.

I'm scared to talk to someone
Knowing I might bother them.
They might wrongly trust me and
Then be the muse for my pen.

They might love me, then
I might really ignore them.
They might hate me
And try to make me get more depressed.

People walk around
Knowing what it is they're carrying
Meanwhile, spiraling
Negative thoughts I'm burying

Inside my lines of poetry,
This is another grave
Addition to my graveyard
Don't try to make me saved

If you extend an olive branch
I might be to quick to grab
You might fall into the pit
Misery, my bad.

I want something more than this,
Something that I never had.
Control in relationship,
Control more than my sketch pad.

I want to control more than
Just one sack of bones and meat.
Take a seat for dinner and
Get asked questions, that's a treat.

Better learn to sell myself
And conceal something really neat
That I'll show you later
If you follow my misleading lead.

I can't walk around no more,
I cannot think straight.
When I walk in public now,
All I really do is wait

Patiently for my feet
To escort me to paradise.
Silence in my ******* head,
That would be really nice.

But I better think twice,
Crazy thoughts are all I have.
Surface level love too,
But that's basically bad.

People walk all over me,
My love is submissive.
I want to be really free,
My views of life are twisted.

I thought and I still believe
Be yourself and stay true.
But if you don't get anything?
That presents an issue.

I can't talk to other people,
The self I love is buried deep.
When I try to sell and get laughed at,
Makes me want to go to sleep.

For a very long time,
Wake up when this life is mine.
I possess nothing,
I witness countless crimes.

People have so much to lose,
They still throw it all away.
I'm a prime example,
Arrest me and lock me away.

I almost lost it today
And likely the day before.
I shouldn't walk around campus,
I shouldn't go to grocery stores.

I should sit in my room
And write poems like I'm doing now.
Digging deeper in the hole,
That's a waste of life's power.

Listen every second
When life offers you advice,
Turn around and don't listen,
Toss tickets to paradise.

Take tickets to go and ride
Emotional roller coasters,
All the while your happiness
Sits on a bench until it's over.

I'm a huge emotion shower
And a huge attention grabber
I hope that my bright clothes
Win me friends and make me happier.

My results aren't noteworthy,
My findings are minimal.
I might wrap it up, hurry,
and quit being subliminal.

All of my poems are the same.
Walls and walls of angry text.
All my poems are really saying,
I'm jealous of people who have ***.

I try to cry when I'm alone
But usually, it doesn't come
I could try and pick up the phone
But where would my message come from?

I can't believe I'm so elated
I can't believe I love my life
When all of my poems are twisted messes
And all of my feelings are full of strife

I can only cry when I'm with you
Or anyone who cares to listen
I'm numb to my own miseries
But when I share them, my heart glistens

It reflects the light that you give off
And it's not used to being lit
You hear my words and pull my heart
From the dark self-inflicted pit

I might have too much pride
That might be why my tears like you
What's there to be ashamed of when I'm alone?
When it's just me, there's nothing new.

I want to be open, I want to share
I want you to sit and watch my cry
I know it's stupid, and it's a dare
Because afterwords, you might fly.

Venture back into my pit,
Carefully deposit my heart.
Your wings of belonging help you escape
And now you're gone to play your part.

I look so happy, I feel so happy,
I can't believe it's circumstantial
I want to feel that way inside
Flickering flame of a candle

I'm a man made of infinite newspaper
And people all just have the spark
Their presence lights my short-lived feelings
And masks my emotions and my heart

However, beneath all of this paper
There's a candle with a wick
It's ever burning and unwavering
But nobody knows what it is!

Not even me? What will it take
To really go and light my fire?
Listen to me cry, it's part of the process
To help me find out what I desire

I'm so lonely and it feels like there is nothing I can do about it.
How could I convince myself that it would be ok to find someone to be with in a physical way, knowing that I am just using them to make these miserable loneliness feelings go away?
What am I doing wrong to cause these feelings to relentlessly incinerate my mind every night?
Why does my desire to be close to someone else override my instincts, dull my sense of priority, and numb my enthusiasm for life?
What kind of person am I if I am ruled by pleasure-seeking cravings that probably can only be temporarily satisfied anyway?
When will the time come when these lustful alarms ringing in my mind calm down enough to disguise themselves, allowing me to pretend to not be a desperate love-starved clingy loser who can never escape the top of my own priority list, no matter how many other things compete with being close with women who I am attracted to?
When will I live and breathe through a day without thinking about ways to find myself in situations with women who I am attracted to, knowing all the while that my toxicity stands a more-than-fair chance of either running them away or misrepresenting myself to manipulate until I can no longer hide who I disgustingly am?
What will it take to quell my constant need for approval and attention?
How will I ever satisfy this desire, anyway, since I am consistently attracted to women who have no interest in approving of who I am and humoring or ignoring women who see me as a good person?
What am I doing chasing women who don't want to be with me?
Why do I think that if I keep texting, complimenting, or joking with girls who I am attracted to, they will suddenly find me completely attractive, even though they clearly don't?
How low would I have to go to be more interested in unraveling a girl physically instead of thinking about getting to know her, understanding her mind, and prioritizing her own interests and well-being above all else?
Why does my lustful and obsessive nature have to so strongly contradict my ability to behave in a way that makes me sexually attractive?
Why do I selfishly choose to express myself even though the only person who benefits from it is me and everyone else either laughs at me and thinks I'm a fool or decides to smile and walk away since I am not giving them any benefit?
What kind of person would be attracted to a passive reluctant caring individual such as myself, and then remain attracted to me when they learn that I am truly a passionate aggressive obsessive over-the-top unstable rambler?
What am I supposed to do if the years go by and I keep adding questions to my list of insecurities and my perseverance in this constantly losing battle fades away?
What am I supposed to tell my family and friends and grandparents when they ask me if I have been meeting any girls?
How can I try to sell myself to girls knowing what a toxic mess I am?
How can I try to sell myself to girls knowing how frequently girls who get close to me no longer want to spend time with me?
Why does everyone look at me with pity?
Why do I keep chasing girls who don't love me, or like me, or think I am sexually attractive, at all?
Why do I think I deserve that?
Why do I tumble around with fear in my head instead of getting up and doing something about the lust that I feel?
Why can't I participate in hook-up culture?
Who would really care if I did?
Why can't I go into it imagining that I will just ignore the person I hookup with and hope that they reciprocate and ignore me so that they don't have to realize how dumb I am?
Why can't I be charismatic enough to at least have some friends with whom I have ****** relationships with and not get carried away with?
Why do I take everything so seriously?
Why do I still feel like I did seven years ago?
Why do I still have the same obsessions?
How am I so mature in some ways and so stunted in others?
How come I excel in areas of my life that I don't care about at all and I can't even come close to being successful in the ones that I really do care about?
Why does being sexually attractive mean so much to me even though I already reject girls who find me attractive?
Why am I so shallow?
Why do I question and mourn the decisions girls who I am attracted to make when I hypocritically do the exact same thing to girls who are attracted to me?
When did I become such a hypocrite?
Why am I so happy and joyous and optimistic for the people I love when I don't have what I want?
If I got what I wanted, would I just take it for granted like I do everything else and then just want more, or want something else?
Why are we so greedy?
What am I going to do with my life when my lust declines and I no longer have a humongous problem to obsess over?
Why is this problem so consuming that I can't just ignore it and try to be normal like people do, and like I usually do?
Why do all of these thoughts form during the day and then explode all over my perception at night?
Will I ever be ready to love someone?
Will I ever be ready to love someone and not be selfish?
Will I ever love someone who loves me back?
Is love just mutual ****** attraction with linguistic agreements and complacency?
Will I ever love someone who doesn't eventually hate me?
Am I made to do everything but be a romantic partner?
Is there something absolutely wrong with me that I am in denial about?
Do I seriously need to become more self-aware? I doubt it.
Will I ever be enough for someone who I want to be enough for?
Could I maybe even be more than enough?
Can I increase my worth to make these problems go away?
Do I constantly put myself in these situations and relationships to torture myself?
Will I eventually give up?
Would that be good?
Will I ever learn?
Will I ever change?
Does doing stuff like this hurt me or help me?
Does it help you?
Hopefully.
I am on a roller-coaster of fear, insecurity, loneliness, lust, and depression and I can't believe how many emotions I have.
I'm so lonely and it feels like there is nothing I can do about it.

I love people who I don't know so much that it makes me cry...
That is how I know I am selfish.
I love media, that's where I've meet many of my heroes...but I haven't met them, I've just seen them
It's a love unlike any other, but it's tragic
Their ways enchant me
But at the end of the day, it's always something along the lines of:
Ok, but, where are you now?
Who are you?
What is your life really like?
And why aren't you in my life?
How did this happen?
Well, that one I sort of know...thanks internet. It wasn't enough to make me awkward and socially deprived, but now this constant teasing as well?
No, it's ok, I love it, but I have to say...I'm not sure if it was meant to be this way.
Can you really love someone without knowing them at all?
Of course you can
And I do
And sometimes it makes me cry
And that is how I know I am selfish

I.
I don't idolize famous people
I like some of them, I even love some of them,
But I don't really get it.

Here's someone who I am allowed to know,
If I have the right sources.
And if I have a lot of the right sources,
for one shining moment that I will never forget,
They will know me, and forget me.

It's none of my business, whether they want it or not.
But a famous person doesn't love me or need me.

I know people love famous people, and that's good.
I like that, I like unconditional positive regard based
on a display of talent, artwork, or whatever it is.

I know they change lives.

I know my life has been changed by many people, famous or not.

People I love, especially.

And I am haunted by how much my life has been changed by girls who I have been attracted to. Who I have been in love with.
Some of them thought they were in love with me, but my conclusion is that that was an incorrect assessment.

Feelings change, but mine haven't. I wish they would, yeah, love is not equal in that way.

I would do anything for either of my ex-girlfriends and I still love them so much and I am so proud of them, because they're amazing!

It's over and that's good. Since it's good, why do I still need to love them? Is there a function for that?

Should I idolize celebrities instead?
Do you?
Do you hate all of your ex's for breaking your hearts, or cheating on you, or mistreating you, or dumping you?
Or do you love them? Do you really love them and hope they are one hundred times happier now than they ever were with you?
Are you like me?
Or am I different?

II.
I remember walking into Hollister.
I wanted the brightest t-shirts with the biggest letters across them.
I wanted to be "cool".

I was shy, I was reserved.
I was fitting in, while cracking out of a shell.

Everyone learns to poke holes in the shell that are big enough so that people can identify you, so that you can express yourself within the confines of what is socially acceptable.

Then you have the big hole in your shell, in the back, where nobody sees. Late at night, sometimes, around people you love, you crawl out of the shell and say "This is me! This is my religion, politics, desires, semblance of hope, semblance of confidence."

If you fully emerge from the shell and shed your shame,
and fight to hold yourself back, who are you?
Who do you think you are?
Do I know you?
Are you telling me all of this because you're some kind of desperate freak?

I love myself and it's just that I can't be ashamed anymore.
It's full throttle, it's heart on the sleeve, it's love!
It's I love you! And I love this life! And I need that.
I need that.

I don't want a shell. I want wings and a tidal wave.
Are you like me?
Or am I different?

III.
I sometimes look up when I walk around.
I don't put headphones in, I like to hear what's happening,
And I secretly hope someone will say my name to get my attention and I will hear them.

But! I love music so much, especially rap music.
It's so emotional that is has shaped who I am and my views and understandings of life.

When I walk around, I play the music in my head, silently.

It says things like,
"I've seen it happen, I see it happen, I see it always.
I still be screaming, I see his demons in empty hallways."

"Keep all your dreams, keep standing tall.
If you are strong, you cannot fall.
There is a voice inside I saw,
So smile, when you can."

"When the four corners of this cocoon collide,
You'll slip through the cracks hoping that you'll survive.
Gather your wit, take a deep look inside,
Are you really who they idolize? To **** a Butterfly."

Instead of, "I want you. I need you. Please love me. Am I ugly?
Do I look horrible today? Am I being judged? Am I developing a negative reputation and becoming a social pariah? Is that good?
Are you all better off without me?"

I love music, but in censors my thoughts by haunting me every day.
Should I stop it and let the fear sink in and steer into the skid and embrace what my mind has for me, behind the musical curtain?
Is that why everyone wears headphones in public?
Are you like me?
Or am I different?

IV.
I love people so much, I want to love people for my whole life.
I hope I can help someone, somewhere, someday.
That's all I want.
I don't want to expect anything, or ask for anything, because I've been down that road and it made me annoy people I love until they turned on me.
I want a family, and to be in love, not in that order.
But how?
Are you like me?
Or am I different?

Instead of blood and genuine feeling
My core processes other stuff
It grows within and takes me over
And never does it have enough

Although it's really in my brain
I feel it elsewhere every day
Although it causes strain and pain
I cannot ever get away

There's one discharge that can fight it
And it is truly most related
But this act taunts me and I spite it
For true relief, I have long waited

As said before, it's in my mind
But it feels like it spreads all over
I've fought and pined to no avail
I can't even make it slower

I'll call it Ivy, as it grows
And as it takes a female name
For women are its main focus
Much to my own ambivalent shame

They say we're born to reproduce
Deduce value from this, I cannot
This long term goal is why I'm here
But also why my pride is not

This Ivy acts on my behalf
Desperately seeking what I shouldn't get
It's so disgustingly eager for
Approval, praise, eye contact, and ***

Try as I might, when fed small doses
The Ivy strongly grows inside me
I act a fool, ask for too much
And then hide away from society

And then it dies, receding in failure
The adrenaline it pumps is no longer
But only for now, for next time it's fed
There's no doubt that it will grow stronger

And have the wars between Ivy and I
Ever caused me so much shame!
I really can't combat the ****
That plays this eternal awful game

My perceptions also are warped
To be quite tragic and quite strange
When beauty's pain, and kindness poison,
Is my behavior not essentially deranged?

Much like a war, in the past,
Ivy has sent a final strike
The devil on my shoulder wins
And takes one more girl from my life

Just play it cool, I'd tell myself
And have restraint and just be patient
But stronger feelings are then felt
And they then lead to isolation

The medium through which this comes
Is often an inappropriate sharing
"I'm not in love, but you mean a lot to me,
Sorry if I'm too overbearing.

If I am, please cut me off
And don't ever talk to me again.
I want whatever's best for you.
Forever yours, I mean, your friend,

Nick.
So what's restraint, or fighting Ivy,
If not a temporary solution?
My feelings must eventually come out
And shake away the restrictive illusion.

The illusion that Ivy is not me
Is one I try to encompass
But what if I let myself be free
And play my heart's tune like a trumpet.

I already basically do
As it's clear I reek of desperation
But to make their discomfort even less
Perhaps I'll offer this salutation

"Hello! I'm Nick! Good to meet you.
Wait, don't look me in the eye.
I'm full of love and will act as such,
But in return, please don't be kind.

For if you do, I'll become too happy.
And after that, much too excited.
And then I'll be nearly obsessed.
And I won't be able to fight it.

I'll annoy you. Message you all the time!
And act as an annoyance.
So how about we just skip all of that,
And you treat me like I'm pointless?

If there is one thing you must know,
I am the dog that's at your feet
Endlessly happy when I have your attention
And always eager for a treat

And always eager to serve you too!
I'll do whatever I can
You have my undying loyalty
So give me some commands.

I'm begging you, I want to help.
Just give me any minuscule task
I'll try my best, and do it well,
And all you have to do is ask!

You don't owe me anything in return!
Your attention to me is more than enough
From this experience, you will learn
That I am full of some sort of love.

But how about we just skip all that?
And I'll make this really nice and painless
I'm a desperate, toxic, list-filled mess
Our relationship, for you, would be gainless!

So therefore, don't keep me around,
Just to make me feel alright
I'll tell you now, my love won't stop
And it will just be endless strife."

Once I say all that, I'll wait for a response
If the girl I love hasn't walked away.
Ivy will make me do this again tomorrow.
But tomorrow is another day.

It tasted good only because you made it. Fear. Tragedy. Hope. Inevitability. Knowing it will all be over. Soon. The last time you see someone. The first time you see someone. The space in between. Finite. Always. The idea of a person in your mind. Forever. Always. Only sometimes on the surface. Often in the back of your mind. Forgotten for some time. Then thought about for one last time too. Tragedy. The last time you think of someone. Far away. Warmth. Blanket. Something you haven't told anyone. Saying it. Feeling like it's ok. Knowing it's ok. Knowing it's ok to be open. Opening. Breathing from the back of your mind where you don't usually go. Riveting. Rare. The moments where it is deep. Crying. Laughing. Laughing to avoid crying. Holding a box of tissues. Tears. Fear. Hope. Gratitude. Thrill. Empathy. Thinking about what to say. Not thinking about what to say. Hope. Trust. Honesty. Not having to think about what to say. Freedom. Freedom from fear. Freedom from manipulation. Freedom from judgment. Freedom from yourself. Knowing what it means to connect with someone. Knowing what it means. Gift. Blessing. Miracle. A gift nobody can take away from you. Information. Experience. Beauty. Disappearing. Disappearing, but having to have existed in the first place in order to disappear. Wonderful. Crying. Tears. Knowing what is going to happen in the future. Knowing separation is inevitable. Knowing sorrow. Knowing inevitability. Knowing what is best. Knowing what you want is not what you get. Knowing experiences. Knowing memories. Knowing closeness. Knowing warmth. Knowing fear. Knowing freedom. Knowing beauty. Knowing empathy. Knowing freedom from yourself. Knowing miracles. Knowing someone. Knowing you.

Rippling water. Perfect. Distance. Better. Beautiful. Fading. Circle. Incomplete circle with one arc missing. Beautiful. Fading. Waving. Riding a wave until its demise. Lying. Relaxing. Waving. Crashing. Immediate imperfection. Distance. A perfect sight from a distance. Initial chaos. Organization. Life. Traveling. Riding. Dying. Terminating. Repeating. Rippling. Cold water.

Laps around the track
Snap me back into reality
Will I wear a snapback
Or a button down t?

Will my poems turn to raps
Or is this just adolescent crap?
Is 20 adolescent
Or is that a dumb question.

If I'm an adult,
When will I start to grow up?
Do I start to grow numb
And confuse that for love?

And then when I die
And I'm having a big flashback
Then I'll remember that lie
And think ****, I almost had it.

I'm right on the edge,
Should I go ahead and do it?
My life's planned out, now,
Is it time to lose it?

Van to Los Angles
Twenty dollar fallback.
Abandoned the scholarship
Waiting for a callback

Record companies,
Tv show producers.
Do I have talent?
I can't see myself through her.

I've lost sight of my ways,
Distractions torture me daily
So I go find more distractions
To make the bad ones go away,

All the times I ****** up,
Like when I needed people so badly
That I drove them all away
So I could twist more, madly.

Tweaking, walking around
All alone at night.
The moonlight shows the way
To nowhere, so I'm running.

I'm going nowhere,
And I'm trying to go fast.
It's not about the destination,
I'm just escaping my past.

But I can dream, and
When all those dreams turn to nightmares
I wake up numb and think
About what's right there.

Blessings, I can walk
And by myself, use the toilet.
I've got so much to be grateful for,
You'd think that I'd enjoy it,

But it's really hard when
My mind gets off track daily
The grass is so green
In the lives of all those ladies

And gentlemen who have fun
On my snapchat stories.
What's different about me?
I'm so ******* boring.

Forget them, cool off,
Take some more laps.
If I find somewhere I'm welcome,
Then I'll stop writing these raps.

I'm tired of the same thing
Over and over again,
But as long as I'm inspired,
This flow won't end.

Give up. Surrender.
Time to learn to hate.
While you're on a ******,
Make many mistakes.

What's love gotten you so far?
Who needs it?
You've got so much love in your heart,
Who feeds it?

Isolated loser,
Hated servant.
Take a chance, chooser,
Hate deserves it.

It works for many others,
Look at the president.
Hate as a platform,
That's magnificent.

Rather than calming,
Hate floods your system
All your love's forgotten
Nobody will miss 'em.

Do you want power,
Instead of powerless?
Is this the final hour
Of my cowardice?

Instead of shaking
And stuttering out of fear
Do you want to lash out
And make your love disappear?

Instead of being pushed,
Want to push people away?
Instead of tomorrow,
Want to start hating today?

Do you want revenge,
Is that what'll work?
Hating's easier when you
Let yourself be a ****.

Spiteful.
Unleash those thoughts, that's delightful.
Rightful,
Who's loved you back since high school?

It's futile, take an eight lap walk
Around a track, two miles.
And tell me you won't punch back
One of those dumb laughs
You hear when your dignity is zero
And you can't stop hearing laughter
At your existential fear

And know, hating is really hot
You'll get more girls that you had
Loving people who you got
To listen to you for a second
Even though it was pathetic
How you complimented them and
Let them drink all of your beverage.

Hate is leverage,
Hate wins you items.
Hate wins you respect,
You'll be set with the right ones.

Who loves you for love?
Aren't they all nieve?
Aren't you never enough
When you're clawing and piping
Up foolish words
Trying to buck the system
Get people to like you
Who never want to listen
But they're giving you a chance
Because you're innocent and charming
But they're just leading you on
And then it's you they'll be harming
When they don't ever reply
Even though they read your message
And you'll never be a guy
Who gets love and a wet kiss
Unless you hate the person you love
In order to complete the balance
So you better learn to hate
And start stacking up that allowance

Set aside the hate,
Remember every occurrence
Where you learn to feel the hate
As it slowly becomes worth it

Do a one-eighty
And switch up all your behavior
That your heart thought you wanted
Cuz now hate can be your savior

And all you have to do
Is make one promise, and be honest,
Can you really hurt someone?

People run and cower
From the true answer.
Drugs possess strange power,
They're life enhancers.

Countless hours,
Broken dancers,
Life turned sour,
Lost luck chances.

Drugs are riveting,
Minds are opened,
Perspectives pivoting,
Instincts awoken

What's never listed
And never spoken
Suddenly, it's tossed
Into the ocean

Of our minds,
Swirling potions,
Drugs are not kind,
Changing emotions.

People take
This strong control
And in some cases,
Their sole goal

Becomes a fate
Many people know.
All they seek
Is this control.

Pursuing control,
Many live by this.
Drugs and their tolls
Help provide bliss.

Control over what you feel,
Opened eyes and comforted minds,
People accept this generous deal,
Despite the consequences felt over time.

Manipulating drugs,
A victimless crime,
Claims users as victims,
At once or over time.

The effects can wow,
They can be sublime.
They make life better now,
But not over time.

Tolerance grows,
Excitement fades,
People become dazed,
Over time.

People take them,
Wrong or right,
To their extremes,
To maximize delight.

Excessive consumption,
Across a fine line,
Promises great risk,
To which many are blind.

Dismissing the truth
And hating the source
Is a just move,
But not a wise course.

Life enhancers,
Life ruiners,
They're one in the same
Though many choosers,

Either love drugs,
Or deeply hate them.
Arguments against either side,
Are sadly wasted.

Both sides
Reveal so much,
Like heat and cold,
They hurt to touch.

I love pleasure,
Oh so much,
But excess pleasure,
Fear is made of.

Within drug feelings
Lie sensations
Which contradict
Any meditations.

Why would I live,
With such a bore,
When I could be high
And get so much more?

Would would I fly
On drug fueled planes,
When normal plights
Offer so much to gain?

It's not as instant,
It's not as strong
But patient wishes
Last so much longer.

There's only one,
And what I choose
Goes in my body,
Is mine to prove.

Something exciting,
Something new,
Never hiding,
Wild and blue.

So if these drugs
Are life enhancers,
Can we demonize them?
Can this seed be planted?

Will we all become
Clear eyed and sober,
Thankful the drug storm,
Is finally over?

Take what's good,
Take what's evil,
All that we could
Derive from people.

Make the solution
Into a new mix
And maybe then,
We find a fix.

The danger they feel,
The societal death wish,
May die sooner,
If only we listen.

Give people things
They wish for,
But remove the danger,
And once this chore,

Is taken care of,
Harmful no more,
Drugs can be loved
Without the horror.

The powers at play
Are beyond what I know,
But this civil war,
Hopefully will slow

Light snow. Warm blanket. Helping. Typing. Looking outside. Looking inside. Warmth. Gross. Sticky. Old. Unattractive. Alone. Looking into a window full of people who can help you. Alone. Not trusting yourself. Cars go by. Quickly. Alone. Every mind and every car. One. The life a snowflake lives as it falls. Gone. Looking into someone's eyes. Running away. Wondering what someone sees in your eyes. Wishing its what they want. Wishing its not what you think. Alone. Not trusting yourself. Hoping there's a different life ahead. Some time. Possibly in the near future. Alone. Times of feeling with other people. Together. Not trusting yourself. Lying. Rejecting. Foolishly complaining. Alone. Snowflakes moving upwards, back towards the sky, because of the wind. Unrealistic. Calm relaxing music. Fear. Alone. Not trusting yourself. Multiple voices telling you to do different things. Together. Alone. Being stuck between survival options and dying. Alone. Wanting to call out but doubting the purity of your own intentions. Knowing everyone else has a life that is not yours. Knowing everyone else has a life that is full of things they want to do. Independent. Without you mostly. Mostly wanting to not bother anyone. Alone. Not trusting yourself. Asking for help indirectly. Making sure that the person has a way to back out. Escape. Pretend they can't see what is happening. Not seeing what is happening. Not trusting yourself. Alone. The ground that looks unaffected by the snow. The ground that stays and is sometimes buried, but it always comes back. Even. Fair. Thinking about how many people feel. Thinking about what people feel. Wanting specific things. Wanting to talk to specific people. Having trouble trusting people. Not trusting yourself. Alone. Sitting. Music. Typing. Nothing. Papers. Time. Life. Together. Snow. Trust. Ground. Trees. Harm. Fear. Running. Escape. Annoy. Harass. Pretend. Turning. Playing. Focusing. Trust. Away. Fear. Together. Alone.

The closest I know to you is me,
For even me, I hardly know.
Getting to know you is such a treat,
This is a goal I’ll never let go

Of, all that I have seen
Within myself and within you,
There’s so much that is functional and meaningless
And little that is pure of truth.

I wear these clothes so we like me.
I exercise so we like me.
I write these poems so we like me.
I sing songs so that we like me.

I shave to get us to be less scared.
I try to be calm to make us less scared.
I try to be normal so we’re less scared.
I am honest so we’re less scared.

I love openly to show us me.
I spill my fears to show us me.
I chant my dreams to show us me.
I don’t show too much to show us me.

I unleash my kindness so we give me a chance.
I walk the line so we give me a chance.
I pretend I don’t love you so we can give me a chance.
I pretend I’m normal so we can give me a chance.

I’m not frustrated with isolation
All people includes me.
All your fears of me, I share.
All your fears you do not speak.

Everything that holds you back,
I also feel, and it keeps me
Also from loving myself deeper
And allowing me to feel complete.

As I approach the distant truth,
I see that you and I are the same.
Always hoping, always playing
The sampling social heartfelt game.