I want to give it all
I want to volunteer.
But what good is my gall
If I'm not even here?

I want to love you more,
I want to help you out
I want to shed some light
I want to strip your doubt

Stand upon my shoulders
Use me as a step ladder
If I couldn't support you, though,
Wouldn't I just not matter?

Take what's mine and make it yours
Use me the best way you can
Dock your boat upon my shore
Explore and prosper from my land

Take my crops, read my books,
Heed my wisdom, see my example!
Just don't misuse what you took,
From my supply, just take a sample

It's not much that I have for you,
But that is really all there is.
A grain of sand for your grand castle
Might not be much, but take my drips.

When you take, you give me more
Without having to give at all!
When I try to take and fail,
I feel pathetic and so small

Would anyone benefit from me
With my grandeur and my twists?
Is this mess behind a mask forlorn?
Might it just as well not even exist?

Take taxi cabs, use tennis shoes,
Move forward with life itself
And if you feel a calling to help me,
Leave that burden on the shelf.

My perspective's gone and twisted
I don't really know about my place
My nightmares calm me after my dreams
Shove what I want in my face!

And oh, if I could just change that!
How much I want what I truly don't!
How badly I long to be accepted,
How badly I long to be left alone!

Pain in my heart, pure straight jacket!
Confine my moves to make me seem
Like I could ever be someone's hero!
Like I could ever fulfill someone's dream!

It's all a ruse! I'm such a mess,
I write this poem out of rejection.
You miss the shots you never take,
But taken shots can be deadly weapons!

I see shots that I could take,
And I refuse and it ***** for days,
But I take shots and my heart breaks
And I can't make this go away!

Where's the exit to this maze,
Is it the real Suburban Dream?
Do I need psychoactive drugs
To **** the part of me that bleeds?

Where's the napkins? Where's the gauze?
This bleeding really needs to stop!
I can't just ask for a transfusion,
And if it dies, then I'll be lost!

I'm guided by my bleeding heart,
One failure after the next,
I beat myself down night after night,
And now, all I can say is, what's left?

What is there left in my hollow shell
Besides my love and my caring nature?
There's also tons of ways to waste time,
Will artwork be my savior?

Is numbing the pain until it's gone
The right answer, my best bet?
I need to find some way to be strong
And try to save what I have left.

Let me help you, give me meaning,
Give my ungrateful self some worth!
There's only so much time I'll have
To love people here on this earth.

All I see are painters
Every person there
Painters with intentions
Consequential but fair

1.
When I see you paint
It's beautiful, but yet
Your path oriented format
I fear you may regret

You paint it like Picasso
You effort surely shows
But strikingly, of painting
You really do not know

Thought wonderful and unique
And more positive words
The paintings true potential
Is quite often obscured

You paint not from the heart
But solely from the mind
You paint based on the model
Of those who you do find

Every word is merely advice
Add some more red, more blue
Before you know what's going on,
Your friends have painted you

So even if you hold the brush
When you follow advice
You might become one of them
And then you won't think twice

And if you do, you'll come to find
Female name and male name
Just modeled for you, all the while
You traced them, such a shame

For it was you who was the painter
And you were also the model!
At least you have a bunch of friends
For whom you did not coddle

All is not lost, for in the end
You do look just like one of them!
And by surrendering to their fear
They are never far, and you're not weird

2.
When I try to paint myself today
I can see the results are true
But when you see me paint myself
I've made a giant out of you

I paint not for myself, but yes
It is just what I seek
I paint so I can become strong
And your advice will never tweak

Fancy myself a model too
For those who can to glance
But what's the point if beyond a moment
I don't have a second chance?

Should I have painted you instead?
Well it wouldn't have worked
The only doubt I have right now
Is do I fit, or do I irk?

I love to follow my heart instead
Of modeling after you
But what's the point if I am one
And you often have two or more?

For acting so independently
I'm reaping what I sow
If I painted myself away
How would anyone know?

Well it's not that I can really stop
I can only lament
It's great, sure, but in the end
I am here, and I vent

The road to peace is narrow
But still, it must be wide
My efforts are not private
But even still I hide

So though I love to continue
Sometimes I feel to stop
Would allow me to find others
And then I'd be on top

Your painting was obscured but now
You have a lot of friends
My painting is so clear and here
I am at my wits end

I will not stop, I love myself
I'll paint until I die
And though I feel alone today
We might eventually know why

What am I for?

I woke rattling and rocking
Gentle but still alarming
Curtains to my left and right
And black was the starry night

But within the place where I was born
Light shines about so be forewarned
Within my mind, the light did shine
But all around, no light was found

The light was in my private room
A carriage steadily rolling through
A starlit night, without any haste
Going at a perfect pace

A perfect pace that did not change
Such consistency felt awfully strange
Would that I'd stop and step outside
But I could not, I was made to hide

The driver, yes, she may be there
But truthfully, I do not care
My horses draw me forth and I
Don't know why, but they're my guide

Every inch I move forth
Is in the context of my horse
So is that all that my life is about?
Or might I take an alternate route?

Might I drift off to sleep once more
Or should I lie on the carriage floor?
And wait for death, for I know this ride
Is just my life, and it's about time

Come to me! Twirl around
Without a sound, with infinite grace.
Lean into me, shatter my bounds,
And swallow up my love-starved face.

Take me in your arms so cool,
Let me unwind in our dance.
Give me that hollow tender feel
Take from me the thought of chance.

We will alternate the lead,
I know how you love control.
Whisk me away! Let me be free!
Free of all my other goals.

Sometimes, we just dance forever,
Nothing matters when we're dancing
Any day and any weather,
You have such a skill for romancing!

And bear witness! You have my heart!
Inside your hands, inside your blender
Perhaps inside your shopping cart.
Buy me whole! Return to sender.

Take all of me then give me back,
Right now you have me in little pieces.
A little this, a little sad,
And here I am, full of caprices.

Rumbling across the floor,
You and I make quite a pair
We move in a big empty room,
And nobody seems to care.

Others just don't understand
This private **** dancing affair
It's gone on for longer than I planned,
But leave? You wouldn't dare!

You lurk, seducing me with thoughts
And fantasies born anew
Would we be happy or distraught?
Calm times abundant or good times few?

When you look me in the eyes,
My mind freezes, you're all I see.
How are you so beautiful
When you're inside of ugly me?

The problem is I'm all you know,
And all I know, I come to love.
I enjoy your stimulating show,
And wait around for your rough shoves.

Shake me up and make me feel
So that my heart rate escalates
My feeling can be measured in numbers,
Give me sorrow, make me irate.

It's such a rush! We move in sync,
You make me want to dance all night.
Our dance is over in one blink,
You steal the hours from my life.

It's either you or nothing at all,
And frankly, I'm afraid to leave.
When returning, I always crawl
And bow down and beg at your feet.

"You give me treasure, you give me dance,
You are my poetic inspiration.
Although I let you wear my pants,
You're all I see in isolation!

I love you, I love you, Don't ever leave me,
Dance me wildly like you mean it,
You're a hurricane, I'm a tree,
Take me dancing with a twist

The dance will be a lifelong one,
Sometimes a prominent promenade,
But since we're dancing all life long,
Face my wrath and deescalate!

I'll drive you wild when we tango,
We can have fun for years to come,
But if you thought my endurance was infinite,
Engrossed you have become!

I might need you, but I'm all you've got
But despite that, leave me be.
You occupy my attention fully,
But close my eyes, and I must see!

I must move forward, and dancing with you
Depletes me of my loving hours
You might think you're all I have too,
But not when I have power!

Power gives me push and hunger
to fight and give my mind candy
You'll taunt me now and for much longer,
And that's all fine and dandy,

But respect my need to escape sometimes.
My need to have more than just you.
You make my life sometimes sublime,
But I don't really like you!

Compared to my other main drags
That manipulate my body as well.
You might be a main force in my life,
But usually nobody can tell.

Torture me more, be my partner,
Give me the fuel for these stupid rants,
I'm docking safely in your harbor
Dance! Dance! Dance!

Can’t think.
Can’t speak.
Fears and insecurities
Make my mind weak.

Tumbled out
Of my selfish vision.
Looked around,
No precision.

Aimless goals
Selfish giving
Lost in translation,
The love is missing.

A promised life
My only fantasy
I love you
And you love me.

Is that how
It’s going to be?
Is this how
It’s going to be

Constant chaos
No balance
No days off
Prison palace

All that I want
No prices.
Distractions from me
My only vices.

No escape.
I can’t run.
Unmet needs
Leaving one

Or two or three
People who love me.
I love you too,
But who should I be?

The one who gets loved
And serves for thee,
Or the selfish one
Who wants to be

Even better
Than I am now.
Happiness seeking?
A huge let down

Take my life
Spread it out.
Broken hearted
Loosely mouthed.

I’m living here
Always right now
Always afraid
I won’t figure it out.

Oftentimes I have looked down my sight
And fired a shot, my aim just right.
Instantly, it becomes clear I was wrong.
My recoil wrecked my aim, so far gone.

It was then so, that I missed my mark.
Not by a few inches, but by a few yards.
I wasn't even close! But now I will start
To learn to control what lies in my heart.

To fire a shot requires precision
But one must also have a delicate grip
You must make your aim, but then stop and listen,
Close your fingers, don't let the aim slip!

Stay true to the target, don't lose sight.
It's true if it's you and if it's you, it's right.
It's wrong to lose control, the shot backfires,
And off will it go, into the mire.

Find the right balance, make the grip good.
Hold on loosely, as one always should.
Let the shot flow, even so slowly.
In this moment, your heart will sing nobly.

The closest I know to you is me,
For even me, I hardly know.
Getting to know you is such a treat,
This is a goal I’ll never let go

Of, all that I have seen
Within myself and within you,
There’s so much that is functional and meaningless
And little that is pure of truth.

I wear these clothes so we like me.
I exercise so we like me.
I write these poems so we like me.
I sing songs so that we like me.

I shave to get us to be less scared.
I try to be calm to make us less scared.
I try to be normal so we’re less scared.
I am honest so we’re less scared.

I love openly to show us me.
I spill my fears to show us me.
I chant my dreams to show us me.
I don’t show too much to show us me.

I unleash my kindness so we give me a chance.
I walk the line so we give me a chance.
I pretend I don’t love you so we can give me a chance.
I pretend I’m normal so we can give me a chance.

I’m not frustrated with isolation
All people includes me.
All your fears of me, I share.
All your fears you do not speak.

Everything that holds you back,
I also feel, and it keeps me
Also from loving myself deeper
And allowing me to feel complete.

As I approach the distant truth,
I see that you and I are the same.
Always hoping, always playing
The sampling social heartfelt game.

Would you save me?
Could you be so kind as
To berate me?
Can you put me in my place
And wash me of my feelings daily?

Is there a way you can come inside me
And remove what's rotten?
Take away all of what I love,
Yet should undoubtedly be forgotten?

Do you hurt?
Do you possess too much risk?
Could I put you down
Without insatiable itch?

Can you use me once
And then throw me away?
Would you need to stay?
Would you make my mind do stunts?

Are you crazy?
Are you the enzyme that would complete me?
Could you delete the weak me,
And bring me suavity?

Can you take my life quality
And overall boost it?
Would I reap your benefit,
Grow numb, and lose it?

Do you take losers like me
And turn them into winners?
Would you make me thinner?
Would you take me away
From too many family dinners?

Will somebody find out?
Will they judge me? Or worse,
Would they care about me
out of pity, out of concern?

Would they heal me up,
Just enough so I'll stick around?
Will you make sound?
Will you call someone who figures out where I'm bound?

Would you get me locked up?
Would you isolate me?
Would you hate me?
Would I court you and dance with you and then you date me?

Would it be me and you in the end?
Are you a friend?
Can you be just a trend?
Can you make a swift visit?

Can you come inside me and leave,
And make me grow stronger,
And give me a good story and experience
To give to others out of caution?

Would I be cautious enough?
Would I be too cautious?
Would you make me nauseous?
Would you make me have fits?

Are you too strong?
Do your effects last too long?
Can you help me function?
Can you help me hold my head up?

Are you enough?
Will I have you and want more?
Will it be like everything else,
Where you won't even the score?

Will you not give me as much as I give you?
What will you then do,
Make me find a stronger you?

Are you the start of a path?
Are you a grand finale?
Are you stigmatized so much
That they won't hold rallies?

Would you make me stupid?
Would it be the good kind?
Will you take me from a pathetic nerd
To a lowdown town king?

Are you hopeless?
Do you make me go with the flow?
Do you make me know what to do
When I'm feeling really low?

Are you the updraft?
Are you the placation?
Are you the one who'll fill the hole
So I can just go on and live?

Would you change me?
Would you exchange me for the better model?
Are you tolerable,
Or are you too much to handle?

Do you have a message for me
That I am too weak for you?
Will you shut me up?
Will you make me complacent for life?

Will you give me better rhymes?
Will you be my latest muse for poems?
Is all of the interest I've shown
Seducing you to want me?

Can you want me back?
Can you give me warmth?
Can you hold me close
And make everything alright like some did?

Is this part of being a kid?
Are you a right of passage?
Will you make me a savage?
Will you make me a lady killer?
Will you make me say phrases like "lady killer"?

Will you delete my filter
So I can overshare even more?
Will you help me score?
Will you give me lustful motivations?

Are you patient?
Or do you come into me all at once?
Are you a cooling ice water,
Or a thousand hot suns?

Will I ever know?
Will you ever pull the trigger?
Will you make me not miss her,
Or her, or her?

Will I forget my past?
Will I remember my future?
Are you a suture
For all of the pain I've endured?

Will I be yours?
Or would it just be that you'd be mine?
Would you be fine?
Or would you walk up to the fine line?

Do you have remorse?
Are you the best course?
Is there something I could do better?
Are you offering an adventure?

Are you timing me?
Are you working your way to find me?
Do you have lust, too?
Do you have trust issues?

Do you also not want to be abandoned?
Are you stranded and you need me?
Would you free me?
Or are you some kind of jail?

Do you ever fail?
Or do you always get the job done?
Are you fun?
Or are you more a means to an end?

Are you a black hole?
Do you have a soul?
Would you make me lose mine?
Will you teach me about control,

About how to lose it,
About how to choose to use it well?
Will you send me to hell?
Or will you punch my shoulder and laugh?

Do you live up to the facts?
Are you not worth it?
Are you sometimes perfect, though?
Or is that just hearsay?

Will you make me fade away?
Will you drag me down?
Could you and I drown?
Could you and I be partners?

Could you stop rhyming?
Could you stop seducing me?
Could you end me?
Could you really end me?
Would you end me?

When I was younger and more desperate,
I hung on every word I heard
From those who I admired most
And those who thought I was absurd

Every new message was a blessing,
Every acknowledgement was a gift,
I'd instantly reply and then sit waiting
For another other-worldly gift

It was quite often I'd be dismayed
When someone wouldn't text me back
I'd pretend I wasn't thinking about it
And proceed with my normal life, sad.

It was just one wish I had back then
To be placed upon someone's list
To receive the love that I would give
And learn what an equal relationship is!

Often times I hear, "text slower!
Don't make yourself seem desperate!
If you reply right away,
You'll send the wrong kind of message!

You need to wait at least 5 minutes
Or if you want to win, 5 days.
Only if you really back off
Will you stand a chance of getting paid

In the attention and love of others.
You think you love, but love is this;
Abide by society's expectations
And fit real love into the slits

That society leaves for what love's worth
It's not a lot, so don't be greedy.
These expectations are absolute
And not made for the needy."

I'm soaking in these messages
And thinking how wrongly I've been being
There's so much that I do not do
Because I don't see what they're seeing.

So if I choose to wait 2 hours
Instead of texting in 2 minutes
Aren't I just wasting 1 hour
And 58 of my life's minutes?

Would it not be more foolish
To pretend I don't care at all
And text you two weeks later
And never hear from you at all?

Could I ever be so arrogant
As to assume my attention's a gift?
Would somebody desperately await my text?
Is that what love really is?

People play these faithless games
And I do not get it at all.
If you like someone, you like someone
If you don't, well, it's your call.

But in this dance, there's no romance.
You're just wasting your precious time.
How can people ignore opportunities
And dangle other people's lives?

You want to seem really important
You want to seem really busy
You want to seem like you don't care.
Is apathy really living?

Is apathy your best bet
To win over another's heart?
Is romance dead and love foolish
And honesty falling apart?

Use your hours and minutes wisely
Being genuine and direct is nice.
Although I started a desperate loser,
I still never have to think twice.

What was once a flailing grasp
Is now a calculated decision
I want the love I have to last
And pardon my derision

But I don't have the time, respect
Or patience for any of these games.
If I like you, I'll text you back
And I hope you do the same.

I have a love of directness
That is one of my favorite blessings.
I talk to people candidly
And never leave them guessing!

It's a lost art, I'm an old soul
It's really fun, despite these facts
I hope directness will live on
And our society texts it back!

Can’t see
Not clear
Music and thoughts,
I can’t hear

For example, I’m lost
And full of fear.
I’m unsure of the plan
Yet it is so near

The vortex twirls me
Around with ideas
All the while,
Possessing the key of

The “right thing”
It’s hard to find
Because I’m stuck
Spinning in time

Thoughts cycling
The endless grind
Of finding what I want
And making it mine

Neither task
Is simple, sometimes
So I spin with the vortex
And we just say that it’s fine

Once we longed for time to slow, and once we longed for time to pass,
We realized that resistance is futile.
We thought we saw our lives laid out before our eyes and we said, "It's coming. It's coming whether I want it to or not. It's coming at a constant rate whether I want it to or not. It's coming at a constant rate whether I want it to or not, and there's nothing I can do about it. It's coming whether I want it to or not, and there's nothing I can do about it because time on Earth is without our control absolutely."

And so we began. Life builds on life and the new behaviors and traditions are variations of behaviors and traditions past. So then we built schools and said, "This is your life. This is your path. This is what you want. This is the way. This is the life. It's coming."

We face challenges and run through systems and jump through hoops made by other people. Our leaders, our societies past, the powerful among us, have built systems. Whether we like them or not, we are, usually, a part of them. Go to school, go to more school or get a job. And suddenly, we are on a ride that we made that itself is on a ride that we did not make. We go through systems we made that were built within systems we did not make. We go through our processes and survive over time while we move through time. We live in time while time lives in us.

The systems we made dominate the world. And they grow. Whether we like it or not. The system and time, finite and infinite, variable and constant, controllable and uncontrollable, these are the two forces that guide us. Take what you can while reaching out the windows and although you, honestly, can get out whenever you want, both are worth staying on for. Both are worth staying on for. We share it and we always are all together. Society and time. A ride on a ride.

This is the springtime of your life. Don't let it go to waste. Enjoy it.
/
Does that mean do crazy?
Does that mean do whatever I want?
Does that mean take advantage of
My independence till it's gone?

Does it mean drink a lot?
Does it mean do drugs?
Does it mean charm women,
Seeking approval, chasing hugs?

Does it mean being lazy?
Should I chill and lay back
Until I work hard a couple decades,
Die later from heart attack?

Does it mean act reckless?
Is it yolo swag **** everything else?
Form a youthful reckless checklist
Do what I want, never help?

Should I follow my heart,
Even if it's a lustful disaster?
People who have the most fun,
Are they now my masters?

Do I follow them?
Do I go out and party?
Is it safe?
Should I black out every other night? Hardly.

Is it do what I think is best?
Is that really fun?
Grades and help for everyone else,
Continuing from where I'd begun.

Is it autopilot?
Is that what I keep maintaining?
Do I ask a ton of questions?
My intellect, always straining?

Does that count?
Does that make it count?
If I overthink everything,
Can my happiness reach an amount

Where I look back, look down
Sit upon a couch
And say, ****, that was fun
Time to retire and sell out

To the American Adult dream
Slowly crawling to the grave
At least I had fun then,
At least by memories, I'm saved.

I caved, I lost it,
I'm not a normal college kid.
I'm on a ride, on my mind,
In my life, but listen,

It's a blast, it *****
All of the wasted contemplating
But it beats blacking out,
Complaining, rebelling, and hating.

Here I am, patient
Looking forward to dating.
Self-centered, prideful,
Centralized around mating.

And it's cool, not bad,
I'll still grow up and look back,
"This is the springtime of your life.
Do what you want, no going back."

I. Entrance
Rough and soft
I clear a space
Foot by foot
Your soft embrace

Quickly pulling
Yet gently easing
Giving me strength
Willingly teasing

I look around
And see a mess
But closing my eyes
Relieves this stress

Being adaptable
Disables structure
Being passive
Encourages lovers

To embrace this gentle layer
And children too, without a care
But beware! This passive part
Can become sharp when sunshine starts

It's so simple, yet so advanced
Far from the surface, without big plans
This is the entrance, this is the mask
To penetrate is often a simple task

They're here then gone when it is sunny,
Sand ridden showers or merchants and money,
There's some green life, some little creatures,
But beyond these, there are not many features.

People naturally want much more
People dig into the core
And so it goes! Goodbye, layer 1,
You weigh us down, but we must run.

II. Treasures
Course and dark,
Here lies the treasure!
Here are the products
Of life's endeavors.

The wrath of under
Crushes prizes
That sharpen up
And feed us dryness

This part by far is most extensive
And also, naturally, most defensive.
All our life's work, and it's for this
But there are more than a few twists.

When three and four are full of hearty
Lucky people who reside, hardly
The leftovers are in this lot
And deduce gain from this, we do not.

We truly don't want all these treasures
Fine expenses who're torn and weathered
A mix of one and three and rocks,
There's no substance but legs of docks.

More often piers, that need foundation.
Much like layer one, this is a station
When all folks must pass through
Before truly entering you.

We detect your gritty sincerity
And thank you for your biological charity
Creatures live here, but not us!
We long for the danger of trust.

III. Wetness
So calming
So very cool.
In this zone,
Smoothness rules.

It looks so flat,
It looks at ease.
Not adaptable,
But not quite free.

Some stop in two,
They are so patient.
They long for peace and isolation
From what lies beneath the layers.
The life of four does not live there.

But now in three! We start to wet.
The closeness reveals the danger.
We sink our heels and scan around.
Ocean, you're no longer a stranger.

At your crest is so much fun!
This is where we play some games.
From here, we may be rarely stricken.
But from this far, we know you're tame.

From this far, we get what we need.
We get a drop of what we live for.
We might love you, we might keep you.
Or we might begin to need more.

Setting up camp here is easy to do.
Some do it for all their lives.
If we never dive deep, however,
What lies beneath is left to derive.

Sometimes, when you're feeling most high,
You push yourself and greet us nicely.
But hidden away, when low and wise,
You make layer 3 more empty.

Either way, with some pushing,
We know we may come forth.
Here's where adventure lives,
And where journies may start their course.

IV. Drown
One was gentle,
Two was borning,
Three was an
Excellent warm up.

Show me power.
Show me strength.
Give to us
All of your love.

I dive deep, a little submergence.
I feel lighter. I feel free.
There's a struggle,
I can't change you,
But it is just you and me.

Being inside you,
Feeling so locked up,
You're all I can think about.
The more I get to know and love you,
The harder it is to get out.

My eyes tell me you offer much.
Infinite substance to find.
I am overwhelmed by your touch.
Yet all is true and none are lies.

Sometimes your embrace is so gentle,
But you can take me off my feet!
I try to anticipate every movement,
But you're so brutal and so sweet.

Yet here I am! Yet I have entered,
And I could not be more pleased.
You off danger, offer stimulation,
Lifting me off my shaking knees

The young and restless, they might think
Themselves invincible and strike.
Love these fools and please protect them,
Allow them to escape your strife.

Your addiciting terrors!
Your auditory illusions!
Your shallow entrance
That turns so deep!

You've lived so long,
You know our movements,
Calm down
And let us sleep.

Although we think you of no mind,
Your variation and beauty overpower
Disillusions of any kind,
You're offering at every hour.

And hours fly by when tangled in you,
You offer frequent wild rides,
I'd say we trust you, I'd be your friend,
But both of those would be just lies.

Savage! Heathen! Brutal trickster!
We're tumbling when you can't rest.
Layers one through three come from you, four.
Your infinite lovable aquatic stress.

When we leave you, you stay with us.
In the forms of rock, water, then memory.
One of nature's most complex metaphors,
You have taught us how to be.


.

Everything I say or do
Is a contradiction
Every time I craft a truth,
It's a work of fiction.

Right when I learn who I am
Is when I misplace myself.
Right when my self is stable
Is when I fall off the top shelf.

Right when I am confident,
I become a scared little boy.
Right when I'm a wholesome noble,
I'm ****** into a dark ****** void.

Right when I'm valued and happy
I'm alone with none around.
Right when I'm completely lost
I find a simple lost and found

Sign. I take it with me
And bare it across my chest.
I'm lost and found! At the same time!
I'm simply a clearly labeled mess.

I never know what will come next,
I've not seen a creature more amorphous.
Maleable beyond comprehension
Walking through a flourished forest.

When you walk into a little store
And spend some money on an item
If somebody gladly does this chore,
Does that mean that you should then like them?

Are their eyes a clever trap
That advertises their workplace?
Are they making you come back
By placing a smile on your face?

Can a stranger enjoy providing to
Someone who’s manipulating their skill?
For them, this kindness may not be new.
It might be their simple natural will.

Is kindness born of gratitude?
Are workers grateful to their flock?
Are jokes common and blank stares few?
Is this unique or is it not?

Am I worthy of this kindness
Or have I stolen offered grace
By acting like a normal person
And going to a normal place?

I.
We all are cars bound to many appendages
Grasping with our minds for beginnings and ends of testaments
Always searching for new things and waiting for old to be over
Wheels repeating the motions but passing by four leaf clovers

It's over and then it's new when a period repeats itself
As my sneakers are on my feet and my flip-flops are on the shelf
When I'm driving to the beach, I don't take what I really need
My car is eagerly speeding and waiting for steel to bleed

The emotions of us are empty when sensations are rushing through us
But while the car is started, not driving is something useless
But driving can't be the key when complacence is what the ancients
Prescribe for me to survive, but then am I really alive?

II.
The engine sputters when journeys become impatient
When I'm vibing and also thriving, my shyness is somehow vacant
A wait list, a shaking matrix of info, but my lymph nodes
Are bored so am I just freezing or will these lists give me meaning?

Defined by numbers and letters is permanent, therefore better
Than fluids inside my tubing moving and assigning titles
I might pull off this whole trip but my travels would be wetter
If my fluids started leaking, so numbers are my revival

My I.D. is nothing like me, my fluids are how I can be.
So driving is what provides me with motion and stimulation
There's nobody who can stop me unless my motives become empty
So what is really plenty? Transit is the vacation

Walked alone outside in the Spring evening
Came back warm but my heart was confused and freezing
I took a shower and contained my inner being
Took a drink of water and looked up at the ceiling

When I couldn't sleep, time for walk round two
Me versus the world is what I was driven to do
I needed to escape from my tiny college room
And find some stimulation to help me

All of my friends couldn't text me back or call
But the ones I didn't call would have helped me out regardless
The only people I pursue will just let me fall
And I can't bring love into this darkness

I often wondered why respect and love didn't cut it
I knew I got obsessed with girls, but even when I laid back
There'd always come a time where the girl would look at me with disdain
And I couldn't back up this pattern with fact

But it's quite simple, You all want this,
Being treated like you ain't worth love
A little hamper at the spicket wants a few drips
But he or she ain't want a waterfall

I've got drips, but I'm still really thirsty
Accelerated heart rate got me sweating like a sprinter
But therein lies the rub, if I flock to dry supplies weakly,
I feel the coldness and my life is hindered

Priorities were never my biggest strength
You could say I was one of the boys who only wants one thing
It'd be a great relief to abolish my length
But I might someday want to have a family

Disgusted, disapproving, or maybe just disinterested,
Nobody I met has ever shared my strong feelings
If nobody wants me dead and nobody wants my love,
What plans for me are you revealing?

I want something real, I choke on fake friendships
They suffocate me and I can't dislodge the debris
stressing makes my mind feel stormative and my brain splits
Am I thirsty or just lonely?

Do I just want to have *** or do I need a kind word?
Would a girl read to me if I did one hundred favors?
I want to have it all, but I hate saying I have nothing
When I'm not even putting in the labor

I don't have to fight to get myself out of bed
I don't pretend to love myself and love life
But how come when it comes to feeling lonely in the dead of night,
I beat myself inside my head?

I'd cut the extras off and remove half my brain
So then, in place of annoyance, I'll just be submissive,
But when the daylight comes around, will I still be a beggar,
Or will I learn to love the way I live?

I don't know what I want, but biology makes me anxious
Is there more to it then ***, or is that all I'm chasing?
Using big words and being nice stunts my progress,
So maybe I should switch to erasing

I love who I am, but what's the price of being it?
What good is self-love if I'm stuck on an island?
But I'm not! Cause some people are really sometimes there for me!
I hate my ungrateful silence.

This is the cycle of abuse a thirsty demon faces
I can't escape the fact I want some affection
At least I also want to be read to, and share music,
But I need to find out how to show my dark intentions.

Dressing like a square sure won't get me much further,
You think I study hard instead of harbor foolish wishes??
I'd wear a shirt that says I'm dying for attention,
But I can't not eat and ***** up my dishes

Being desperate is easy until the night comes
I'm placated by any form of contact
But when I'm all alone, my inner self comes out
And I can't turn my back on that.

I'm thirsty, desperate, I want romantic attention
Girls laughing at my jokes and saying that I'm cool,
I'm done with being smart, I'm done with being called smart,
Let me become your favor-fulfilling fool

I wanted to play spin the bottle, I wanted to make out on the lockers,
Instead I was hidden away by my two lovers, not a shocker.
I started being smart to be less embarrassing,
But now I can't get a date or much at all

Being thirsty is a harder path to be on,
But I ain't chose it, it chose me.

I'm done with being smart; socially, I hate it.
I can't express how much big words make me degraded
I want to be a cool guy, not a smart one
I want more girl attention, not to do well in life

I don't belong here; these are my priorities
Somebody love me then tell me to drop out
Then I'll get what I want and be where I'm supposed to be
****, I don't have anything figured out

Thanks for ignoring me so I don't make your life worse
I hope you ended up having a really good night
I can't stop my *** drive from constantly giving birth
Sorry nothing about me is right

I love people who I don't know so much that it makes me cry...
That is how I know I am selfish.
I love media, that's where I've meet many of my heroes...but I haven't met them, I've just seen them
It's a love unlike any other, but it's tragic
Their ways enchant me
But at the end of the day, it's always something along the lines of:
Ok, but, where are you now?
Who are you?
What is your life really like?
And why aren't you in my life?
How did this happen?
Well, that one I sort of know...thanks internet. It wasn't enough to make me awkward and socially deprived, but now this constant teasing as well?
No, it's ok, I love it, but I have to say...I'm not sure if it was meant to be this way.
Can you really love someone without knowing them at all?
Of course you can
And I do
And sometimes it makes me cry
And that is how I know I am selfish

I really really love people I don’t know
When I feel tired and confused,
The feeling of love grows

Stains on my face let you know what I mean
Warding off friends and foes since I was fifteen
When you hit the wall, take your walk away from me
Saying it's nothing, it's social biology

Really look at me and you'll see my doubts
Let it freak you out then seek the higher route
See what I'm about, but once your insides shout
You'll break out before you break through, no doubt

Break down the wall and when you break through
I'll express my passion by questioning you
Everything you want to be, everything you do
I'm really into spirits, thought you already knew

Question me back, now that's a conversation
Question me back, there's full explanations
Hold yourself back, I'll feel the sensation
All your judgments will stunt the degradation

Degrade these walls to climb on in
It's not so bad once you look past my skin
100 thoughts a day make me want to fade away
And you'll be another one if you can't look my way

Because of the stains on my face

I don’t do everything right,
I don’t even come close
I just get to life a blessed life
Way more fortunate than most

I can’t believe the roads I’ve taken
Enable me to find myself.
I can’t believe how much love I’ve awakened
In addition to love that’s been in me since before I could spell.

My life is so generous
My life is not without pain
But I’m lucky enough to be able to think
And learn so much and thus, from my suffering, gain.

I won’t ever go back to trying to conform
I might even abandon the thought of being sane
What a great way to avoid all the people
I don’t want to speak to, like, not that I’m saying

I’m better than them, because I’m truly not
But with nice conformers, I tend to get bored,
The truth is my favorites so far have bad qualities
But I love them for them and I never feel bored

And I try to explore them and anyone open
Enough to show me what’s happening inside
And for people who’s lives have taught them to have caution
I understand there are many reasons to hide

But before I die, one of my selfish missions
Is to go all out and be a total freak
And despite the repercussions of loving the weird stuff,
I’ll be a magnet for people who’re unique

I aspire to help them, aspire to amuse,
Aspire to connect, aspire to obtain
So many beliefs and opinions from others
That there’s no way I won’t be a contradictory freak

Opposing viewpoints, I already have many
And in some ways, then, I am becoming nothing
I want to embrace both sides of many passions
And in the passion pit, I’ll come out dressed as something

Amorphous, accepting, and hopefully helpful
Since I live to serve and I live to entertain
And if nothing else, I’ll keep building and building,
Overthinking thoughts just to muddle my brain

And I’m blessed for a million reasons, ****** for none,
No more ****** than the luckiest guy
I’m free and I love you and I’m so imperfect
And I don’t care, thank you, nothing really to hide

How can it be
that you're talking to me
but we're so far apart?

What do you see
when you have to look at me?
Does it ever break your heart?

What is this?
Who am I?
And what do you need?

Just decide it all
Everything is your call
And my loyalty is free

I don't know how
To separate what you want
From what I need

I'm just a flail
Controlled by your scale
Of emotions granted to me

What is wrong?
Are you gone?
Forever here am I

Don't try to help
Just let me wish you well
Leave me here to cry

I'm so tired
Of having to admire
Every heart-arrow fire victim

Spirit, set me free
Loving everyone and me
Is a blessing and a curse

Just give me some time
Stop making love a crime
It's hurting me so much

Every fun time
Every experience that was mine
Doesn't belong to me

They're all yours
I'm down on all fours
Searching for what you need

What's my foe?
Do you know?
Or is it just me?

Instead of wrestling around here
And chasing my dreams and fleeing from fears
Maybe I'll run out of breath and stop
At a high altitude mountain top.

Maybe instead of stockpiled art
And information, and all these parts,
I can clear my mind for a long time
And work through the stigma in my mind.

The fears, though all are self-inflicted,
Also can name society as their derivative.
What do they think, what will they think,
Will I ever escape society's brink?

Etc...before me, such a plethora
Of options of routes to go down.
And they are just detours along the walk
That many people tread, and very few balk.

Should I trudge on? Should I sulk?
Smiling so much, acting so false?
Or should I just go on and take it all off?
And seek my own personal mountain top?

There's too much invested, too much to lose
But who knows what's worth keeping.
Everyday, I put on my shoes,
And my heart keeps on beating.

I.
I don't idolize famous people
I like some of them, I even love some of them,
But I don't really get it.

Here's someone who I am allowed to know,
If I have the right sources.
And if I have a lot of the right sources,
for one shining moment that I will never forget,
They will know me, and forget me.

It's none of my business, whether they want it or not.
But a famous person doesn't love me or need me.

I know people love famous people, and that's good.
I like that, I like unconditional positive regard based
on a display of talent, artwork, or whatever it is.

I know they change lives.

I know my life has been changed by many people, famous or not.

People I love, especially.

And I am haunted by how much my life has been changed by girls who I have been attracted to. Who I have been in love with.
Some of them thought they were in love with me, but my conclusion is that that was an incorrect assessment.

Feelings change, but mine haven't. I wish they would, yeah, love is not equal in that way.

I would do anything for either of my ex-girlfriends and I still love them so much and I am so proud of them, because they're amazing!

It's over and that's good. Since it's good, why do I still need to love them? Is there a function for that?

Should I idolize celebrities instead?
Do you?
Do you hate all of your ex's for breaking your hearts, or cheating on you, or mistreating you, or dumping you?
Or do you love them? Do you really love them and hope they are one hundred times happier now than they ever were with you?
Are you like me?
Or am I different?

II.
I remember walking into Hollister.
I wanted the brightest t-shirts with the biggest letters across them.
I wanted to be "cool".

I was shy, I was reserved.
I was fitting in, while cracking out of a shell.

Everyone learns to poke holes in the shell that are big enough so that people can identify you, so that you can express yourself within the confines of what is socially acceptable.

Then you have the big hole in your shell, in the back, where nobody sees. Late at night, sometimes, around people you love, you crawl out of the shell and say "This is me! This is my religion, politics, desires, semblance of hope, semblance of confidence."

If you fully emerge from the shell and shed your shame,
and fight to hold yourself back, who are you?
Who do you think you are?
Do I know you?
Are you telling me all of this because you're some kind of desperate freak?

I love myself and it's just that I can't be ashamed anymore.
It's full throttle, it's heart on the sleeve, it's love!
It's I love you! And I love this life! And I need that.
I need that.

I don't want a shell. I want wings and a tidal wave.
Are you like me?
Or am I different?

III.
I sometimes look up when I walk around.
I don't put headphones in, I like to hear what's happening,
And I secretly hope someone will say my name to get my attention and I will hear them.

But! I love music so much, especially rap music.
It's so emotional that is has shaped who I am and my views and understandings of life.

When I walk around, I play the music in my head, silently.

It says things like,
"I've seen it happen, I see it happen, I see it always.
I still be screaming, I see his demons in empty hallways."

"Keep all your dreams, keep standing tall.
If you are strong, you cannot fall.
There is a voice inside I saw,
So smile, when you can."

"When the four corners of this cocoon collide,
You'll slip through the cracks hoping that you'll survive.
Gather your wit, take a deep look inside,
Are you really who they idolize? To **** a Butterfly."

Instead of, "I want you. I need you. Please love me. Am I ugly?
Do I look horrible today? Am I being judged? Am I developing a negative reputation and becoming a social pariah? Is that good?
Are you all better off without me?"

I love music, but in censors my thoughts by haunting me every day.
Should I stop it and let the fear sink in and steer into the skid and embrace what my mind has for me, behind the musical curtain?
Is that why everyone wears headphones in public?
Are you like me?
Or am I different?

IV.
I love people so much, I want to love people for my whole life.
I hope I can help someone, somewhere, someday.
That's all I want.
I don't want to expect anything, or ask for anything, because I've been down that road and it made me annoy people I love until they turned on me.
I want a family, and to be in love, not in that order.
But how?
Are you like me?
Or am I different?

We don't always get the poems that we want.
Sometimes we get the poems that we need.
Sometimes we get poems we can only read once.
Sometimes we write poems and the words bleed

Through the page or shine through the screen
Because they let us admit to ourselves we have low self-esteem
Although we have self love and it all doesn't mean,
It just lives inside us, surviving feeding on dreams

All the words I write, hundred poems I've rambled
Instead of playing more games, instead of flipping more channels,
I write these words for you in an attempt to light a candle
To ever so slightly brighten your life that you CAN handle

Poetry, words, arrangements, collections
All brought together by love and affection,
Various sorts, but the ones most prominent
Are the ones that I feel that are also ominous

Like I just want to write, and it feels sort of dark
And the words sometimes shed light by breaking my heart
And taking what I thought I knew, and then tearing that apart
But from the breaks I grow, the breaks where I make art

Although it's hardly art to me, I still sit and write
I might as well when all my other acts yield nothing, slighted.
No offense to them, but they're not always invited
To the space inside my heart because they don't yield products

More often than not, I'm just a simple consumer
Trying to amuse or numb myself with the fastest lights, sooner
And once the lights turn out, I turn off and sleep
And inside me, something really deep cries out,

It asks me, "What do you make? Who do you help?
What do you save? Where's your progress? What have you done?
Do you have any answers? Do you even have one?"
Yes. I just write poems and try to help people,
And it feels pretty good sometimes.

A lot of planes took off

There's no place where I can be
There's no voice I can ever see
There's only a voice I can hear
There's only conditioning with fear

If I took a small amount
Of ideas that hardly ever count
And put them down for the world to see
Would my exterior cease to be?

What is it called if one cares
To love themselves beyond repair
Beyond the point of going back
Beyond being free from attack

Freedom comes from being the same
Being in groups, being not tame,
But just enough to hold your tongue.
And it will be held after you're young

And there will be some safety too
Beyond the red, into the blue
Into the group, out of the pod
Into the collection that's not pretty odd

But it is pretty! But it is nice
To not have to ask, or be told twice
And here's what lies beyond the line
There are no lies, there is only fine

There are some places you can go
To see stars or to see art shows
But how many will you miss?
What's the price of lengthy lists?

Is there no beauty in the one?
Are the stars attractive, not the sun?
It's not right, for you will know
The sun's a star, but only up close

Beauty can be found in large collections
And only some will win affections
Of those who come to pass them by
And yeah, they will, on tones so high

I'd only trust my heart to love
Perceived matter or fleeting doves
But knowing there is so much more
Is knowing only what's in store

There are many reasons to believe
Hot spots of love have been achieved
Blankets of stars spread across the earth
Friendship and love, death and birth

And like the stars spread out to dine
There is but one that really shines
This is the one your field permits
This is a simple verb: exist

And when you accept this tragic fact
That light's around, and further black
Will encompass your distant sights
Will be so wrong, and here so right

Take chance, they say, stray from the sun
And go along, become a one!
The two align, and now we see
Distance is pain, distance is free

Emotions are blind, numbness is raw
People are left, people are called
People are loved, people are hated
Don't let them become sedated

And only one crashed

I love you so so much
It's ok that you let me go
Regardless of my own true love,
I don't except yours to grow

Don't worry about me, I don't want
To be a burden any longer
This removal you desire
Will hurt a lot, but I'll grow stronger.

You have someone who will love you
For the rest of my own life
It's ok to go far away
And never have me in your sight.

Do whatever makes you happy
And I'll just keep on living on.
I love you a lot, not that it matters.
Keep being amazing and begone

If I could, I'd love to help.
But you say no, with such disdain.
You reject my hands and open arms
And your eyes say go away!

I never want to do you harm,
I always want to keep you safe,
But my slimy worthless protection
Is of no use, so go away!

With simple words, you say so much
Your tone and expression pave the way
For my shameful, pathetic rebuttal
And all I heard then was go away!

It's not about the words you choose
It's not about the things you say
It's not about the way you say it
All I hear is go away!

If I'm not helping you at all,
If I'm just breathing, wasting space,
Will you give me an urgent call,
And request that I go away?

Will you do work and make things right,
Prepare your future, play your games,
And not allow me to interfere?
You have your own, so go away!

Your stupid emotions weigh so much
They are so depressing, I'm dismayed
I've heard enough pathetic mumbles,
Stand up, and go away!

I keep my head down, do my duties,
So let's now just make a trade,
You act like me and I'll throw you out!
There, it's done! Now go away!

Your stupid self-love comes in handy,
I know you won't resort to blades
You'll get sad, sleep, and wake up normal!
That's good enough! So go away!

Your place in my life is not a long one,
Every day, you fade away,
But then is not quite soon enough,
I've seen you here, now go away!

What are you doing with open arms?
You want to hug me like we're mates?
We're not, and your request disgusts me,
Hang your head and go away!

Did you think that I liked you?
And would benefit from your embrace?
I need that even less than I need burdens
Like your misery, now go away!

If you want me to love you back,
Give that up, that's a mistake.
There's nothing that I love about you,
Sorry! Yeah, so, go away!

I know your needy heart shaped eyed
Are looking towards me like a plate,
I don't have any food to offer,
Starve or die, just go away!

Your poems are all the same fears!
"I'm all alone, there's no escape."
You ungrateful loving worthless fool!
Lose this facade and go away!

I'm tormented by this one voice,
Night after night, day after day,
How dare I ask for more than this?
Act like it's gone and go away

I'm feeling so empty
Hollowed out pumpkin with a nice expression
My thoughts are not lengthy
I can't think a thought for ten seconds

Everything is so black and white.
Nothing shines like it sometimes does.
Mood swings occupy my life.
Give me back my endorphin buzz.

The only vast array I can see
Out of the thousands to choose from
Is the memories I have of times I chose to be
Selfish, hurtful, jealous, and dumb.

The prospects don't look good,
All of my successes don't really matter.
I've either helped random people once
Or given everything to people who's love I've shattered

Whoever wants me won't for long,
And whoever I want has to have too much
But I can't stop imagining things that
I'd want if I ever really find love.

People feel bad for me,
They make those puffy lip frowning faces,
People pretend to like me and play
That awkward fake love game
Then forget they played it.

If it's all just pity love,
Or comic relief, or obligation,
Would it not make sense to find enough to keep hanging on within isolation?

Am I a burden to you?
Or did we not get there yet?
Every time you waste your life paying attention to me, does it then feel like regret?

Can you stop feeling bad for me?
Or am I just too pathetic?
Is all this poetry a cry for help,
stress relief, or a special weapon

Made to keep you away from me?
I don't care, you decide.
I'm done acting like I know what I don't
And masking my emotions with what's left of my pride.

Should I even build a career?
Or will that be another mess?
Should I keep grasping for more from life
Or just go on in sorrow and try protect all that I have left?

I can't control my moods at all,
I can't control my feelings for women.
If I could stop hurting people and wasting their time for the cost of my happiness, it'd be a quick decision.

I love people so much,
I hope they're all better of then me.
I want to go drown in love,
But I don't find it easily.

My love for people is a poison,
Other people's love is the antidote.
And every one of my poems says I'm poisonous
Because that's one of the bad thoughts I can't let go.

In my dreams, the people I've hurt forgive me,
They talk to me and care about me.
Those are all of my wildest dreams
Because nobody's come back because I'm incredibly lousy.

When it's dark I hide away,
There's never been enough to make me quit, yet.
But if I ever do get to that point,
I'll be glad I saved more people from getting wet.

I love crowded beaches,
I love concerts and video games
I hope people are always united on a micro scale,
And everyone loves with no shame.

I’ve ******* lost all of my **** marbles
I don’t find a spec of solace in any online articles
For the life of me, I cannot predict many of my neuronic particles
But I have to get out of bed in the morning like you do because I have **** to do too.

I don’t know who I am or who I want to be
I’ve spent my whole life mirroring rap lyrics and people on tv
Every word I speak feels like a desperate plea
I just want to feel at home someday, somewhere

What other people have, I desperately crave
I know for a fact there are many social groups I cannot infiltrate
People give me pity and call me sweet, I’d rather have hate
But I don’t see it happening since I don’t often provoke any strong feeling

To be hated, better than being tolerated, I suspect
I put so much effort in and that’s why I fail tests
I can empathize, listen, sacrifice, and jest,
But people want friends, not servants

Self-deprecating as I am, I love being I
I love being wrong, **** being wise
When I get serious, I look people in the eyes,
So maybe I’ll start doing that more often.

Loud sound, ears ringing
Throat closed, birds singing.
Sun shining, mind spinning,
Emotion losing, logic winning.

Blown away are the stares
Blown away is all the distance.
Blown away, forever lost
Not once willing to make an appearance.

All that’s left is what’s hard wired
Hard wired pity, hard wired fear.
What I thought wasn’t hard wired
After the bomb, is still right here.

All the praise, condescending.
All the gestures, soon reneged.
All the fears, confirmed and waiting.
To surface again, like fallen twigs

Raining down upon my head
Obscuring my clear view of the sky.
For all of the pain, there’s now a reason.
Such shock, no need to wonder why.

Looking down the barrel
Of a young adult *** life
Peril is apparent
As I spend another lone night.

Dodging gunshots,
And other times, looking for shooters.
Searching for the right moment
To escape this life of a loser.

That I might get shot one day
Is a topic of which I fantasize.
But how come I’m obsessed with this,
Yet I possess a special pride

For restricting what I have inside
And choosing to hide it away?
Make sense of this I’ve tried and tried
And it all depends on the day

Because in one hour,
I’m so glad I’m independent
And then later on,
I’ll be searching for a weapon

To come fire it’s ammunition
Of lust upon my rosy face.
It’s so built up, it’s the first time,
I’ll always know the time and place.

It’s so sought after yet so feared,
And in the end, contrarily,
I’ll just say, “is that all there is?”
And go on my solo merry way.

I’ll always see another day
And have my emotion-fueled goals.
Sensations are so stimulating,
Yet they’re so far beyond control.

So as I stare down this supposed barrel,
Defying stats by not yet being shot,
I question myself and my appearal,
And wonder to change what I've got.

Once I’m wounded forever more,
Will I love what’s new and lament what’s killed?
These sensations, I know what they’re for.
It’s nothing, I maintain with my will.

All the sensation, all this ammo,
That may or may not taint my breast,
It’s all abiotic, it’s all arbitrary,
And all it offers is a test!

Will I obsess over a barrel,
Or any other form of fire,
When what matters infinitely more
Is who is there and whose it’s guider?

Alas, it’s like a fancy food
Of which I’ll never have a taste.
For although I may one day taste this barrel,
In my heart, there’s not a place.

The trigger-puller will certainly matter,
As will any who shoot at me.
I love people, not acts or stimuli.
From fear of this barrel, I am free.

I'm jealous of people who
Have everything I ******* want.
I'm scared to find it and
They have it, and it ******* *****.

I'm scared to talk to someone
Knowing I might bother them.
They might wrongly trust me and
Then be the muse for my pen.

They might love me, then
I might really ignore them.
They might hate me
And try to make me get more depressed.

People walk around
Knowing what it is they're carrying
Meanwhile, spiraling
Negative thoughts I'm burying

Inside my lines of poetry,
This is another grave
Addition to my graveyard
Don't try to make me saved

If you extend an olive branch
I might be to quick to grab
You might fall into the pit
Misery, my bad.

I want something more than this,
Something that I never had.
Control in relationship,
Control more than my sketch pad.

I want to control more than
Just one sack of bones and meat.
Take a seat for dinner and
Get asked questions, that's a treat.

Better learn to sell myself
And conceal something really neat
That I'll show you later
If you follow my misleading lead.

I can't walk around no more,
I cannot think straight.
When I walk in public now,
All I really do is wait

Patiently for my feet
To escort me to paradise.
Silence in my ******* head,
That would be really nice.

But I better think twice,
Crazy thoughts are all I have.
Surface level love too,
But that's basically bad.

People walk all over me,
My love is submissive.
I want to be really free,
My views of life are twisted.

I thought and I still believe
Be yourself and stay true.
But if you don't get anything?
That presents an issue.

I can't talk to other people,
The self I love is buried deep.
When I try to sell and get laughed at,
Makes me want to go to sleep.

For a very long time,
Wake up when this life is mine.
I possess nothing,
I witness countless crimes.

People have so much to lose,
They still throw it all away.
I'm a prime example,
Arrest me and lock me away.

I almost lost it today
And likely the day before.
I shouldn't walk around campus,
I shouldn't go to grocery stores.

I should sit in my room
And write poems like I'm doing now.
Digging deeper in the hole,
That's a waste of life's power.

Listen every second
When life offers you advice,
Turn around and don't listen,
Toss tickets to paradise.

Take tickets to go and ride
Emotional roller coasters,
All the while your happiness
Sits on a bench until it's over.

I'm a huge emotion shower
And a huge attention grabber
I hope that my bright clothes
Win me friends and make me happier.

My results aren't noteworthy,
My findings are minimal.
I might wrap it up, hurry,
and quit being subliminal.

All of my poems are the same.
Walls and walls of angry text.
All my poems are really saying,
I'm jealous of people who have ***.

I close my eyes
My friends hands me a green stick
I pocket it, extract it,
And then I start eating it

Before I know what it is,
A minty green special K bar,
Somehow my friend knew
I ate these often at my landscaping job

We’re in a big house,
Modern, lots of glass
There’s an apparent social group present
I’m hoping that I pass

The unmentioned implicit
Group initiation
People make eye contact with me and speak,
What a riveting sensation

I try to stay patient,
Sometimes standing, sometimes sitting
All the while,
Dark paranoid thoughts beginning

The longer it goes on,
The more often we switch innings
And before I get accustomed
I’m in a dark room, internally grinning

Large. Semi-spherical
Dark. Gothic.
I walk towards the center,
No longer aware of my pockets.

My heart, I’m standing near
Another person I love, who shot it
And like I once knew,
I’m overcome by the feeling, haven’t lost it

And we start dancing,
In a classical sort of way
There’s so much joy in our embrace
But all around us, dismay

I try to let it sink since
It doesn’t happen every day
And I have a creeping feeling
That it all will float away

And once the music stops playing,
She comes closer to embrace
In a hug that’s too tight,
So suddenly, my heart is racing

And I love it and I hate it
And behind her back, I’m facing
And my paranoia is back
And my colorful world is graying

How long should I be staying?
I shouldn’t ever be here!
When she finally let’s me go,
In a cloud of smoke, I disappear

I’m back in the house,
I find my friend from before,
And wonder; how are you feeling dude?
Are you not also eager to slumber?

Before I her his response,
I ironically wake up,
Taken by another nightmare
Taken by more fake love.

Are these dreams?
Or just the occasional nightmare?
These recurring scenes I tease
Myself with love I don’t have; unfair.

All of life's seen through a lens
Provided by neurons and light beams
Upon my mental state, it depends,
And sometimes in my most radical dreams,

I control the lens and set it up
To permanently be able to embrace
All of the beauty, all of the love,
But this is tragically not the case

The lens is often out of focus
Obscured by forces mostly unknown
Beauty is gone, external locus.
My control is loosened, tables thrown.

On my best days, I see every leaf
And every drop, and every tone
I want this more, so can you please,
Negative perceptions, leave me alone.

It's like a storm, it's like roulette,
Who knows how my lens will work.
Whatever control I seem to get
Eventually fades and obscurity lurks.

Focus the lens when capable,
Fight obscurity often.
Beauty surrounds me every day,
There's so much to get lost in

Instead of speaking up,
I usually speak down
Unless I get excited and
I share ideas like a clown

With my arms flailing
Physically because I’m enthused
And metaphorically grasping
For someone else to not lose

More interest in me
Even though I deviate a lot
From the societal norms
That confine many in a little box

**** that little box
People talk a lot without sharing
But I’m the key to the lock
So I’m freaking out without caring

Until I turn the lights out
And my phone buzzes for Candy Crush
But there’s nobody’s messages on that list
Because I didn’t barter love

The products I offer
Are insufficient for my needs
So obviously I need some lessons
On how to calm down; smoke ****,

Don’t read books, don’t
Develop imagination
Watch tv, scroll Facebook,
Be patient and wait for your whole life

For something around the corner
Until you’re waiting and your impulses
Drive you into lonely streets
Lamenting your losses

Looking for stimulation
Constantly checking the phone
Until I stop and look around
I’m lost, I don’t know how I’ve grown

What does it mean?

Here it is, after the tumble
Where the cycles stopped spinning
It's held tightly to avoid fumble
But who is really winning?

Lies placate the biggest drives
And then there's sort of ease
Try to restart by complaining
Though this used to be release

This used to be the real place
The end goal that was shining brightly
Was it the thrill of the race?
That stimulated nightly

Mattresses are on my face
Weighing into my throat like some cake
Though my sadness is erased
Why do I want what's fake?

The real things I have make me smile
But then they just upset me
I've come so far, mile after mile
But I really wasn't ready

It's too soon to feel ok
Because I need some just turmoil
I'm acting well inside this play
But I want the snake to coil

Come attack me if you please
To save me from this heaven
Take my love and make it freeze
And make me how I had been

Why'd I crawl out from the dark
To be blinded by the light?
I want to run into the dark
And just say goodnight

If I fell and couldn't move
I would stay and get attention
Then I'd make you happy too
And resume the low suspension

The feeling is already gone
And I've created a plateau
Nobody ever told me
That I'd want to go back down below

Feelings drive me fast at night
Crashing more, now than ever
When I wake up and lose sight
I'll roll back and say whatever

Everything is the opposite
I want to go back down to feeling badly
I am not a hypocrite
But a master of duality

It means I don't know how to accept

The look upon their faces are happy
And I reflect, dreadfully failing.
My sadness leaks and overflows
For their bright hearts, I’ll be a railing

Should my darkness infest another’s
Wonderful pleasant perfect light,
I would flee, my heart smothered
By having done what I see as right

Bare my heart? Share my thoughts?
And ruin other people’s day?
Or let their lives go on, in time,
Revealing myself to scare them away?

Either option keeps them safe
From experiencing my disease.
It’s not lethal, it doesn’t even harm
The trunk of the recipient’s lovely tree.

Rather, it’s a time muncher,
This disease I sometimes spread
Contracted by being attractive,
Making me wish I controlled my head.

Sorrow, I take vitamins always
Trying to make myself contained
But real life happens, something sparks
And from life, I can’t get away

Willingly spreading, sneezing in faces
I’m bewilderingly advised to do.
Would anyone really drink my snot?
If you were me, would you achoo?

Or would you hide in a little corner
Making yourself a little life,
Being depressed but loving yourself
Enough to avoid harming the knife?

Life! Aren’t they all better without me?
Could I really make someone’s day?
Well, if I did, it’d soon go awry
Once my starving heart scared them away

I’m not low key, I’m not even calm,
I don’t even know what there is to life.
I feel attractions. I do things sometimes.
What a beautiful mindless spite.

Holding back my feral sneezes.
Resisting germs that come my way.
I stand strong, thank yous and pleases
Wanting more, constantly amazed.

I see people, they are so happy.
Please, continue being thus.
I’m in the corner, always laughing.
Avoid disease, love is my trust.

I’ve made something that is perfect.
Mistakes I’ve made, hearts I’ve broken,
It’s not my desire, it’s not been worth it
This twisted toxic machine has chosen

To refuse all corrections
And to make any new updates
I’d bash its head in, if I could,
But it’s not really my fate

I wish it weren’t, I’ll overcome it
But foolishly, it trundles on
Taking hope and opportunity
And leaving or making them gone.

My brain is short circuiting
My sanity's in danger
I'm a plague on most people
I'm an ugly stranger

After 10 hours of sleep
Bad thoughts really won't stop
I don't know what to do
I don't know what to drop

Can't stop loving people
Can't stop wanting girls
Can't stop resisting texting
People who ignore my whirls

I message people when I
Spiral into depression
And people then ignore me
And they teach me a lesson

I'm tired of people
Bout to move far away
Bout to wake up where I may
Eventually see brighter days

I don't know what's wrong
But I can't function right here
All I feel is rejected
Then stuffed with horrid fears

I want what I have wanted
Since I was like, fifteen
Someone to tell all my fears to
Someone to tell all my dreams to

Someone who'd stay up all night
With me just to hear what I'm saying
And I'd listen to every word
And for this girl, i been preying

And it'd be easier to say,
Who cares? Shut up!
If it wasn't the case
That other people in love

And I see them all the time
It's a **** college campus
And they ain't doing no crimes
I'm just so jealous, can't stand this!

Like I wanted a part
In a wonderful play
And then I have to see it
Performed on stage every day

And every person on stage
Is elated to be acting
But I'm in the audience
Only perceiving and reacting

And once the play is all over
The cast members take a bow
Go out and have a cast party
And look at me now!

I'm off alone in my bedroom
With bad thoughts plaguing my conscious
And I'll try to go asleep
But all those efforts are nonsense

You hear these words I'm saying
Think I can lay down in bed
Without distraction and just let
These thoughts calm down in my head?

Well no! I can't! So I load
Up on distractions
And then by 3, 4, or 5,
I finally rest and get lax, then

I have bad dreams
Wake up feeling melancholy
Do it all again
Take all the gifts life bought me

And I hate that I take
All of these gifts for granted
So many reactions in life
So much love on this planet

But my hormones, my mentality,
My maleness, or my wishes
Won't let me stop wanting love
From fully capable women

But love can't be forced!
Love can't be inspired
Love comes naturally
Love ain't women for hire

Love isn't around the corner
Love isn't begging to chill
Love isn't please spend time with me
Love isn't one awkward meal

Love isn't pity, love isn't
Ignoring my texts
Love isn't checking in on me
Since I'm a lustful wreck

Love isn't writing a poem
Love isn't kissing or hugging
Love isn't buying a gift
Love isn't loving or lusting

Nobody knows what love is
Until it falls in their lap
And right now my lap is empty
And I wish! I didn't give a crap,

But I do! And I can't stop!
I'm in a fast car
And all the doors are locked
And I'm looking afar

At all the love I think I see
I want it to happen to me
And this car ride is free
But in my society,

In my nice fast car
I have some wonderful blessings
But all the mountains and rivers
Of company give me wet dreams

And dry dreams and thoughts
About who's gonna read to me
Who's gonna ask what I'm thinking
When all my thoughts are spiraling

It's nobody! Shut up!
Just forget about it
Loves for people who're happy
And obviously you're not! Don't doubt it.

You might love yourself
You might love this life
But love where you're at too
Or love might elude you for life

Because you can't be desperate
You can't need women
Obviously, that's a deterrent
Obviously, that's worse then

Being happy and confident
And calm and complacent
So sit down! Shut up!
Until you feel that way. Then

And only then! May you hop
Out the car
And go and walk through nature
And maybe find some love

There's no guarantees!
It's all out of your control!
Just control what you can
And wait for people to know

Why they should love you
Why they should listen
Why they should see you
Why you exist, then

Once you're judged
By one outlying acceptor
You can give it a shot
But don't give them a lecture

Don't talk too much
Don't bore them to tears
Don't show your emotions
Don't show them your fears

Act like you're normal
Act like you're happy
Welcome conformity
Lest you be written off as sappy

I can tell it's not a game
I'm ready to play
I'm stumbling through life
I hate wishing time away

But I do when I'm lonely
I do when I'm sad
I really wish I had more
But I still love what I have

Emptiness fills my attitude
Passiveness consumes my mind
It's not hatred, it's not rude
My behavior just is not aligned

Standards say I shouldn't care
And shouldn't have any respect
And if I were more an *******
I'd be less dry, and much more wet

I might be thirsty, but exchanging fluids
Takes a pretty strong connection
I stare down a mellow cup of tea
And for tonight, this is affection

The weather's nice, so I survive
When the sun is shining bright
Then, when I am so alone,
The vitamins and sights feel alright

It's only when behind closed doors
And out in streets or eateries
The moon comes out, the groups come out
And I'm alone, respectively

From my perspective, there are two.
The pursuers and the pursued
I beg for love, beg for time,
But who even are you?

Who are you to control me?
Why is there no other choice?
What events led you to have
Complete power over my rejoice?

I wasn't taught that I am nothing
And that no one would seek me out
But yet, from one night to the other
I have my time, and then my doubts

It's clearly all my own **** fault
This isolation, my one undoing
Should I disrespect women more?
For men who do seem never pursuing

But yes, it's true, I must confess
There is a wall that cuts me out
I must love all and give respect
And that, I could really do without

For if this wall would tumble down,
Oh, how much more I could relate!
What if I was much more like you?
What if I finally learned to hate?

And just add in conformity
And then castrate my eager parts
I'd become a social butterfly
And master this illusive art.

But ****! I love myself so much.
I should have put that off, and asked,
"Yeah, sure Nick, you're pretty cool,
But do you want to face the task

Of being alone for being too eager
And being too prideful to change?
Do you want some lonely nights?
Do you want to come off as strange?

Do you want to come off as deranged?
A fool who loves people he just met?
Can you bear the isolation,
Can you bear the empty bed?"

...must be that I took this deal
Without reading all the fine print
Must be great to be repealed
But I am not, so I lament

And yes, I'm blessed, and I hate myself
For wanting what I do not have
And taking what I have for granted
And granting myself the right to be sad

Because I'm so lucky to be here
I'm so lucky to have this life
But there's connections all around me
And my lack causes only strife

Sorry me, I can't just change
I can't devolve to fit the role
I wish I could, I'd love to do it
To accomplish this social goal

But shut up!
You have yourself.
People die before 20 a lot.
Please shut up, please go to bed
And just forget and be forgotten.

I look like I'm sixteen but I am twenty
I'm really lustful, now that is funny.
Lonely loser with an appetite,
Doesn't matter, can't get it right

No social groups to fit in
No little angels here to console
I feel emptiness from within
All I feel I have is control

Control over nothing that matters
I can't control my love for other people
I can't control who loves me
I can't control my thoughts, they're evil

I think I have it so ******* bad
My life so far's been a piece of cake
I've got a loving Mom and Dad
I feel like I am barely awake

I wish I could see my blessings,
But I'm blind to them deep inside
All I want is love where it's not
And a dark quiet place to hide

Loneliness needs a brand new name
There's a ton of people around
But people who make me feel like I'm seen
Are still rare and here, yet to be found

I take steps towards a great life
Where I'd have a career and goals
Where do I step to make my heart right?
What can I do to console?

How can I make myself feel loved?
Can I love myself any more?
Don't I love myself way too much?
Does that not even affect the score?

Do I need to put on this mask,
And bend over every single day
Open my heart, look into their eyes
And cry every time they look away?

Is my empty heart repulsive?
Is that what all these people see?
I wish I knew what drove them away
Because it ***** and it's beyond me.

I've been talking, looking for answers
Writing poems and going to counseling.
I think about this every day
And I haven't found a single thing.

Isn't it insane to keep trying?
Do the same and want different results?
Do I have to change who I am?
Wouldn't that just be really false?

Can I be true and also be happy?
Is that the cake and eating it too?
Do I have to say goodbye
To myself just to get closer to you?

Will that look in your eyes ever change?
Can someone see me and not feel bad?
Is there any hope for a change
Or am I really deep down that sad?

Am I a pity case in a box
Full of love and amazement for
People, life, music, and what's good?
Do I seem like a worthless chore?

Is that why people seem so dismayed?
Should I just not talk and not try?
"Keep trying to talk to people, Nick."
I can't look in their eyes and lie.

I can't sell a busted up product
Talk about being high maintenance
I am alone and you'd be one
You'd be my savior from isolation

I can't put that burden on someone
and I don't belong to any groups.
Will I find love in this lonely life?
I keep craving nothing but the truth

What am I supposed to do?
What am I supposed to do?
What am I supposed to do?
What am I supposed to do?

What do I do now?
What do I do now?
What do I do now?
What do I do now?

Is it what I want?
Is it what everyone expect?
Should I pull a stunt
And do what people won’t ever forget?

Is it time to run away?
Is it time to give in?
Is it time to take a day
To take some time for riddence?

Are my feelings hidden?
Is my heart upon my sleeve?
Do people see me and know
That I’m taken by the given

Out of control thoughts,
Pointless wasted endeavors
My mind is on a big trip
It’s always storming, that’s the weather

Am I worthy of this life?
Am I worthy of this life?
Am I worthy of this life?
Am I worthy of this life?

Is what I want really right?
Is what I want really right?
Is what I want really right?
Is what I want really right?

My skin reflects my insides
Because it is not quite perfect.
I've attempted cosmetic solutions,
But is it really worth it?

Would clearer skin help me
Sell myself and make me a better man?
Or are is my red acne
Just part of who I am?

The redness is a stop sign
That alerts to not come closer,
If you try to stick around,
You'll experience no hurt,

But you'll get bored and
I'll be confused about why you stayed,
So just stop, look, listen,
And go away.

My stop sign says stop and stare
And glance on over here,
My imperfections will satisfying
Stimulate your fear,

You'll think "what if I looked like that!
I need to take a shower,
Take some soap and wash my
Skin every third hour."

The stop sign is a warning
Of what happens when you're careless
If you don't give a ****,
Then you'll be really embarrassed

You'll be ugly just like me
And then you'll stop and wonder why
People speak, and acknowledge
But don't look in your eye.

People acknowledge
But won't look in your eye.

It's red and stuff and
Shameful because I am embarrassed
There are people who I want
And people who I cherish

And some of them see right past me
And look into my soul,
But many of them
Fail to relinquish control.

They are scared and they
Won't relinquish control.

Please see the warning signs
And respect my skin.
It's not just red but hairy,
And if you even begin

To touch me, or look at me
In a way that freaks me out,
I'll be unclear about
What life's all about.

Yeah, I'll be unclear
About what life's all about.

My head is filled with doubt
Although my heart is filled with love,
You can have some if you want,
But there's a condition I trust.

After a couple years of skating
All around this icy rink
I've found that love slips
And falls and craves another drink.

Love slips and falls
And craves another drink.

Some people I love
A lot, I don't love at all
Because they seem to think I'm ugly,
And they treat me like I'm small

And they put their hand on their neck
And turn the other way,
This sort of treatment
Really makes my skin quite great

This sort of treatment
Makes me feel really quite great!

I'm a ****** now and
Imma be one for a long time
If somebody wants my ***,
They'll need to stay online

And visit my website
And check out my mind-state
This is a deterrent,
But I will certainly wait

Because I'm vulnerable
And eye contact shatters me
So if someone ***** and dumps me,
I'd be overreacting

Laughing now, I used to hope
I'd match those numbers.
I wonder, can I try to
Match those hundreds

Of thousands of people
Who act so promiscuous
Because deep down,
They just want to be kissed?

Needless to say,
I'm unable to react as such
I can't get away
From my double-edged self love

If I compromise it,
Then I'll compromise my principles
And now I'm on the other edge
Where I'm loving self like an imbecile

My tastes are uncommon
And my shape is unnatural.
I'm the main sculptor,
But every looks down

On my work, they don't
Understand the meaning.
I'm just a low-brow joke
And underneath, I'm just seething

And hoping my life
Might someday have more meaning
To all of these other people
Who get off on watching tv

More than they do watching me
Make a fool of myself daily,
Maybe, I'll be a ******
Till I'm at the age of eighty

And then I'd say ok,
Time to hit vegas
Time to try this thing out,
Time to betray this

Classical morality
That makes my life better,
Not in terms of practicality,
But at least it makes my head work

There's a big network
Of rules I try to live by,
But they've made me miserable,
But I'll continue with them lest I

Become too far gone,
Too ***** to manage,
And then, I'll behave like
I was brought up managed.

But today, I've lost my mind
And I'm picking up the pieces.
Am I doing this to change them
Or are they all that's left to be with?

Bodies of water,
Within my grip
No reason to not
Take a dip.

No full submergence,
Just the fingers.
This is learning
Without stingers.

No pain required,
No remorse needed.
Embarrassed and tired,
But not depleted.

On the road
To being needed,
What is owed
Is what I’ll feed this.

5 fingers
Testing waters
Bridging channels
Being modern

Every second, life is ending
The credits roll for the past.
Every second is a rebirth
And it's the opening scene
For the rest of your life.

Drugs make me high
People make me higher
People who’ve tried both
Might think that I’m a liar,

But it’s a definite conclusion
No additional pondering required
People soak me in water
And set my mind on fire

Everything you love,
There will a time or a moment
When it is the last time you will embrace it,
By listening to it,
By playing it,
By watching it,
By saying, "I love you.",
By holding it,
Or by just loving it,
There will be one last time.

Everything you hate,
Will only torment you
One last time
Before it is gone forever.

Everything you have ever loved and will ever love
Will enter your life.
This moment is beautiful and confusing,
Fascinating and exciting,
Stimulating and challenging,
Unique and free.
Let the love be.

Overcome by hideous greed
Blinded to my wonderful life
Only wanting what I don’t need
At at the expense of probable strife!

To control my own instincts,
To overthrow my animosity
This would be all I need, I think,
But this is a calling for generosity.

There’s positively no way to evade
Those instincts I’m meant to overcome
Either by placation or by complacance
Though neither easily to me come