I love walking outside
And hearing noises
It’s like an antidote
For all of the poison

I inject myself with
By trying to be aware
And even though the poison hurt me,
I don’t care

I’d rather be aware
Than choose to be ignorant
It’s ok some people do,
But I’m not into it

So I internalize the evil
And sometimes, I feel I live it
But when I walk outside
I’m innocent and generally riveted

Laps around the track
Snap me back into reality
Will I wear a snapback
Or a button down t?

Will my poems turn to raps
Or is this just adolescent crap?
Is 20 adolescent
Or is that a dumb question.

If I'm an adult,
When will I start to grow up?
Do I start to grow numb
And confuse that for love?

And then when I die
And I'm having a big flashback
Then I'll remember that lie
And think ****, I almost had it.

I'm right on the edge,
Should I go ahead and do it?
My life's planned out, now,
Is it time to lose it?

Van to Los Angles
Twenty dollar fallback.
Abandoned the scholarship
Waiting for a callback

Record companies,
Tv show producers.
Do I have talent?
I can't see myself through her.

I've lost sight of my ways,
Distractions torture me daily
So I go find more distractions
To make the bad ones go away,

All the times I ****** up,
Like when I needed people so badly
That I drove them all away
So I could twist more, madly.

Tweaking, walking around
All alone at night.
The moonlight shows the way
To nowhere, so I'm running.

I'm going nowhere,
And I'm trying to go fast.
It's not about the destination,
I'm just escaping my past.

But I can dream, and
When all those dreams turn to nightmares
I wake up numb and think
About what's right there.

Blessings, I can walk
And by myself, use the toilet.
I've got so much to be grateful for,
You'd think that I'd enjoy it,

But it's really hard when
My mind gets off track daily
The grass is so green
In the lives of all those ladies

And gentlemen who have fun
On my snapchat stories.
What's different about me?
I'm so ******* boring.

Forget them, cool off,
Take some more laps.
If I find somewhere I'm welcome,
Then I'll stop writing these raps.

I'm tired of the same thing
Over and over again,
But as long as I'm inspired,
This flow won't end.

Life should come with
A set of rule for the ******* outcasts
Like me, I'm walking
In the night with my mind trashed

Music mumbles modify
How I'm perceived by others
This is the real me
And also see me like this but worse

At least in the streets,
I can show my true colors
Not a smart nice guy,
But a lonely pathetic lover

It's not worth the ruse
Since everyone sees past it
I should just quit it
And start bringing out my assets

I can feel bad for me,
I can do music,
I can write words down
And I always try to prove it

But that's just online
So far from the real me
Now I'm just convinced
That I'm lost in my poetry

Every poem's unresolved
Just like my understanding
Of who I am and what I'm want,
This life's a crash landing

I built the plane midair,
I love it, and now it's crashing
Thank god I'm sole passenger
So nobody else I'm dragging

At this point, I'm convinced
The birds flew by that knew me best
Were right when they said *******
And leave me alone for the rest

Of my lovely life,
don't poison it, toxic
Unrelenting loser!
Ok, stop, I've got it.

Everyone else
Must just see my failings
Because they try a sample
And their expression never fails me

It's always slightly disgusted,
Looking for the nearest exit
And if people like me,
They take my heart to break it

Simple kindness touches me
And I cry over acknowledgement.
Somewhat cuz I love it,
And also because I'm lost in

The thought that they want me,
And then they're going to leave me
Just hurry up and leave me
Abandon me freely

Any sign of trust
Won't be taken with a grain of salt
This doesn't matter much
But I'd do anything to take it all

Treat me like a human being
Friend, I'm addicted
It only takes one or two words
And I'm in the clouds, lifted.

That's why I walk at night
Can't sit at home, Netflix
I just walk around obnoxiously
Hoping I'm somehow destined

To find fulfillment outside,
Amongst the lovely people.
Stop judging me, want me,
And I might stop turning evil.

I try to cry when I'm alone
But usually, it doesn't come
I could try and pick up the phone
But where would my message come from?

I can't believe I'm so elated
I can't believe I love my life
When all of my poems are twisted messes
And all of my feelings are full of strife

I can only cry when I'm with you
Or anyone who cares to listen
I'm numb to my own miseries
But when I share them, my heart glistens

It reflects the light that you give off
And it's not used to being lit
You hear my words and pull my heart
From the dark self-inflicted pit

I might have too much pride
That might be why my tears like you
What's there to be ashamed of when I'm alone?
When it's just me, there's nothing new.

I want to be open, I want to share
I want you to sit and watch my cry
I know it's stupid, and it's a dare
Because afterwords, you might fly.

Venture back into my pit,
Carefully deposit my heart.
Your wings of belonging help you escape
And now you're gone to play your part.

I look so happy, I feel so happy,
I can't believe it's circumstantial
I want to feel that way inside
Flickering flame of a candle

I'm a man made of infinite newspaper
And people all just have the spark
Their presence lights my short-lived feelings
And masks my emotions and my heart

However, beneath all of this paper
There's a candle with a wick
It's ever burning and unwavering
But nobody knows what it is!

Not even me? What will it take
To really go and light my fire?
Listen to me cry, it's part of the process
To help me find out what I desire

All of the words I say push people away
More nails in more coffins every day
Words out of my mouth tainted with tooth decay
Flying through the air, grinding, I ruminate

Playful commentary sans meaning
Meaning to be playful, sounding freezing
Seeing people playful, pleasing easily
Wishing perfect people could be me

Moment in the spotlight
Moment turns out not right
Hoping for an assist or a solution
Trying to be winning, feeling losing

Spoiled
Can't take the recoil
Of the life with no difficulty

Overthinking
Can't stop rapidly blinking
When my dreams haunt me

Logical
But ambiguous obstacles
Make nothing concrete

Incomplete
But the missing pieces
Supposedly walk around outside

According to me,
What I need is free
But it's not really free.
I just don't know the price

Lifeless
Monotone
Texts from my telephone
Outnumber those received

It's hard to breathe
When I think about dying.
When I think about flying
I can almost cry

But not quite.
Crying requires life
And I don't feel really alive
Unless I'm with people I love

Who love me back.

Should I retract?
Am I an addict?
Who wants to be loved this bad,
and how do they not show it,
or sometimes not even know it?

Forgo it
Let go of it
Let go of that dream
Take one for the team
And walk the line
Don't wine
Don't pine

It'll be alright.
But it won't be better than your dreams.
Life's a goddess on a cloud
And you can't get to her

But you can let her guide you
And let her ride you
Because you're in control

Just control your goals,
Or if you don't,
Try harder and fight barters
About what it's worth

It's worth a lot
Take a shot or rot

I don't know what this means
I think a lot and write sometimes
I'm frustrated.
I'm done.

From my window, I glance at my yard
a picket white fence, and my amazing dog.
He runs, he plays, chases and weaves
Wishing to be outside the fences he sees

He's never known much of the outside world,
he's lived his whole life in the gates of pearl
Most of his time is spent wishing to be free,
but the only one who can set him free is me.

He bites and howls at the fences of white.
They never budge, simply out of spite.
They serve only one purpose, to keep the dog in,
standing to ensure his life never begins.

I have on occasion let my dog roam,
he doesn't miss us, this is not his home.
The times he roams are the best of his days
I can tell he is happy, in an absolute craze.

But as do most things, it comes to an end
Upon me to catch him, he can always depend
So back into the white prison he goes.
He's comfortable there, it's all he knows.

I get mad at him, he known not what about
All he ever thinks of is ways to get out
Someday perhaps the fences will fall,
my dog could run and play, give joy to all

But until then, he'll remain inside
having nothing but hopes and ounces of pride
Do I have the power to allow him to leave?
Why should I not, he needs to be free.

There's a reason I can't, it wouldn't be right
I know he's safe here, he stays day and night.
Is it worth the risk? Would he remember me?
The final escape; his true destiny

I approach the fence for one last time,
inside this yard, inside my mind
Prepared to let my sweet dog run
Hand on the latch: four, three, two, one...

The latch doesn't move, it's stuck in place
I have no control over this eternal race
I am my perception, as was from the start
My fence is my mind, my dog is my heart.