If I could, I'd love to help.
But you say no, with such disdain.
You reject my hands and open arms
And your eyes say go away!

I never want to do you harm,
I always want to keep you safe,
But my slimy worthless protection
Is of no use, so go away!

With simple words, you say so much
Your tone and expression pave the way
For my shameful, pathetic rebuttal
And all I heard then was go away!

It's not about the words you choose
It's not about the things you say
It's not about the way you say it
All I hear is go away!

If I'm not helping you at all,
If I'm just breathing, wasting space,
Will you give me an urgent call,
And request that I go away?

Will you do work and make things right,
Prepare your future, play your games,
And not allow me to interfere?
You have your own, so go away!

Your stupid emotions weigh so much
They are so depressing, I'm dismayed
I've heard enough pathetic mumbles,
Stand up, and go away!

I keep my head down, do my duties,
So let's now just make a trade,
You act like me and I'll throw you out!
There, it's done! Now go away!

Your stupid self-love comes in handy,
I know you won't resort to blades
You'll get sad, sleep, and wake up normal!
That's good enough! So go away!

Your place in my life is not a long one,
Every day, you fade away,
But then is not quite soon enough,
I've seen you here, now go away!

What are you doing with open arms?
You want to hug me like we're mates?
We're not, and your request disgusts me,
Hang your head and go away!

Did you think that I liked you?
And would benefit from your embrace?
I need that even less than I need burdens
Like your misery, now go away!

If you want me to love you back,
Give that up, that's a mistake.
There's nothing that I love about you,
Sorry! Yeah, so, go away!

I know your needy heart shaped eyed
Are looking towards me like a plate,
I don't have any food to offer,
Starve or die, just go away!

Your poems are all the same fears!
"I'm all alone, there's no escape."
You ungrateful loving worthless fool!
Lose this facade and go away!

I'm tormented by this one voice,
Night after night, day after day,
How dare I ask for more than this?
Act like it's gone and go away

I want to give it all
I want to volunteer.
But what good is my gall
If I'm not even here?

I want to love you more,
I want to help you out
I want to shed some light
I want to strip your doubt

Stand upon my shoulders
Use me as a step ladder
If I couldn't support you, though,
Wouldn't I just not matter?

Take what's mine and make it yours
Use me the best way you can
Dock your boat upon my shore
Explore and prosper from my land

Take my crops, read my books,
Heed my wisdom, see my example!
Just don't misuse what you took,
From my supply, just take a sample

It's not much that I have for you,
But that is really all there is.
A grain of sand for your grand castle
Might not be much, but take my drips.

When you take, you give me more
Without having to give at all!
When I try to take and fail,
I feel pathetic and so small

Would anyone benefit from me
With my grandeur and my twists?
Is this mess behind a mask forlorn?
Might it just as well not even exist?

Take taxi cabs, use tennis shoes,
Move forward with life itself
And if you feel a calling to help me,
Leave that burden on the shelf.

My perspective's gone and twisted
I don't really know about my place
My nightmares calm me after my dreams
Shove what I want in my face!

And oh, if I could just change that!
How much I want what I truly don't!
How badly I long to be accepted,
How badly I long to be left alone!

Pain in my heart, pure straight jacket!
Confine my moves to make me seem
Like I could ever be someone's hero!
Like I could ever fulfill someone's dream!

It's all a ruse! I'm such a mess,
I write this poem out of rejection.
You miss the shots you never take,
But taken shots can be deadly weapons!

I see shots that I could take,
And I refuse and it ***** for days,
But I take shots and my heart breaks
And I can't make this go away!

Where's the exit to this maze,
Is it the real Suburban Dream?
Do I need psychoactive drugs
To **** the part of me that bleeds?

Where's the napkins? Where's the gauze?
This bleeding really needs to stop!
I can't just ask for a transfusion,
And if it dies, then I'll be lost!

I'm guided by my bleeding heart,
One failure after the next,
I beat myself down night after night,
And now, all I can say is, what's left?

What is there left in my hollow shell
Besides my love and my caring nature?
There's also tons of ways to waste time,
Will artwork be my savior?

Is numbing the pain until it's gone
The right answer, my best bet?
I need to find some way to be strong
And try to save what I have left.

Let me help you, give me meaning,
Give my ungrateful self some worth!
There's only so much time I'll have
To love people here on this earth.

I try to cry when I'm alone
But usually, it doesn't come
I could try and pick up the phone
But where would my message come from?

I can't believe I'm so elated
I can't believe I love my life
When all of my poems are twisted messes
And all of my feelings are full of strife

I can only cry when I'm with you
Or anyone who cares to listen
I'm numb to my own miseries
But when I share them, my heart glistens

It reflects the light that you give off
And it's not used to being lit
You hear my words and pull my heart
From the dark self-inflicted pit

I might have too much pride
That might be why my tears like you
What's there to be ashamed of when I'm alone?
When it's just me, there's nothing new.

I want to be open, I want to share
I want you to sit and watch my cry
I know it's stupid, and it's a dare
Because afterwords, you might fly.

Venture back into my pit,
Carefully deposit my heart.
Your wings of belonging help you escape
And now you're gone to play your part.

I look so happy, I feel so happy,
I can't believe it's circumstantial
I want to feel that way inside
Flickering flame of a candle

I'm a man made of infinite newspaper
And people all just have the spark
Their presence lights my short-lived feelings
And masks my emotions and my heart

However, beneath all of this paper
There's a candle with a wick
It's ever burning and unwavering
But nobody knows what it is!

Not even me? What will it take
To really go and light my fire?
Listen to me cry, it's part of the process
To help me find out what I desire

I'm feeling so empty
Hollowed out pumpkin with a nice expression
My thoughts are not lengthy
I can't think a thought for ten seconds

Everything is so black and white.
Nothing shines like it sometimes does.
Mood swings occupy my life.
Give me back my endorphin buzz.

The only vast array I can see
Out of the thousands to choose from
Is the memories I have of times I chose to be
Selfish, hurtful, jealous, and dumb.

The prospects don't look good,
All of my successes don't really matter.
I've either helped random people once
Or given everything to people who's love I've shattered

Whoever wants me won't for long,
And whoever I want has to have too much
But I can't stop imagining things that
I'd want if I ever really find love.

People feel bad for me,
They make those puffy lip frowning faces,
People pretend to like me and play
That awkward fake love game
Then forget they played it.

If it's all just pity love,
Or comic relief, or obligation,
Would it not make sense to find enough to keep hanging on within isolation?

Am I a burden to you?
Or did we not get there yet?
Every time you waste your life paying attention to me, does it then feel like regret?

Can you stop feeling bad for me?
Or am I just too pathetic?
Is all this poetry a cry for help,
stress relief, or a special weapon

Made to keep you away from me?
I don't care, you decide.
I'm done acting like I know what I don't
And masking my emotions with what's left of my pride.

Should I even build a career?
Or will that be another mess?
Should I keep grasping for more from life
Or just go on in sorrow and try protect all that I have left?

I can't control my moods at all,
I can't control my feelings for women.
If I could stop hurting people and wasting their time for the cost of my happiness, it'd be a quick decision.

I love people so much,
I hope they're all better of then me.
I want to go drown in love,
But I don't find it easily.

My love for people is a poison,
Other people's love is the antidote.
And every one of my poems says I'm poisonous
Because that's one of the bad thoughts I can't let go.

In my dreams, the people I've hurt forgive me,
They talk to me and care about me.
Those are all of my wildest dreams
Because nobody's come back because I'm incredibly lousy.

When it's dark I hide away,
There's never been enough to make me quit, yet.
But if I ever do get to that point,
I'll be glad I saved more people from getting wet.

I love crowded beaches,
I love concerts and video games
I hope people are always united on a micro scale,
And everyone loves with no shame.

After many lost and half-won battles,
I never thought it would come to this.
I know your bliss and know your burdens,
Do not put me on your list!

I'm not giving up, I'm rearranging.
Towards you, I'd never be remiss.
I love you so much, I let you go,
And off I will ride, blowing a kiss!

I've fought so hard to climb your rankings,
I've cried many tears and slammed my fists.
When you run away, I will be thanking
That you gathered enough sense to abandon ship!

I love people who've moved me down
Or even crossed me off completely.
If I don't provide you with any fulfillment,
Why on earth would you not delete me?

Where you're on my list is a secret,
Do not take that into account.
Consider only how you're treated
And let your list battle it out!

I never want to outrank you,
Your academics, or your friends.
And if you're lustful, as I imagine,
I could never quite outrank ***!

Sometimes for you, they come in twos,
A two for one deal, so to speak.
You identify a perfect specimen,
Disclaimer; it is not me.

Anyway, this beautiful human,
Might have some *** appeal and more!
I realize you'll see them as having everything,
And rework your list in an attempt to score

I've seen such changes, such drastic switches,
When physical connection's on the line!
You cling to dreams, you make many wishes,
But this? Oh, well, never mind.

Regardless, don't make your list shared,
Like a group project google doc.
Only you can make the edits!
And make edits, don't ever stop!

Follow your ambitions, do what you want,
Travel, love, sing, and dance!
Study hard, go to the gym,
And give your wildest dreams a chance!

I was once a list climber,
I'd walk right up and say add me!
I'd walk right up and say higher!
I'd walk right up, but now I'm free!

Your list is on you! Take responsibility!
Don't let any list climbers climb!
Move them around like little cherries,
But don't you think of touching mine!

Some list cherries will be quite ripe,
And some rare ones stay ripe forever,
Some are rotten through the spine,
But they might hide it to be clever!

The scariest of all the cherries
Are those who look good, but contain
Poinsonous juices and false fairies,
To choose to be one is insane!

But rotten cherries need not worry,
For these cherrries can learn self control.
Once they realize their toxic nature,
They can completely reverse their goal!

Move up a list? They instead attempt
To hide away and be avoided.
I, my friend, am one of those cherries!
Do not drink my poison!

It's said that there are some brave souls,
Who would sip poison every day
Just to get closer with these cherries
And immunize themselves day by day!

And then, once their immunity stabilizes,
They'd move these cherries up the list!
This challenge is not to be taken lightly,
And it goes awry whenever it is!
Trust me, for some have drank my poison,
And they never want to see me again!

Be patient Nick, my therapists say,
Brave souls will wow you off your feet,
They'll drink your poison easily
And ask you when you're free to eat!

It's not easy to let me fool you,
It's not easy to try to not hide,
But don't be worried! I won't trick you!
I'll just show you what's inside.

And add me to your list? You'll know,
This would clearly be a gainless act
I love to love you so much and want what's best,
Thank goodness for my caring tact!

I can't believe I was a climber!
I'm so sorry world, never again!
And this poem is just a reminder
About how your wishes to list me should end.

The pity add is quite common,
Let climbers climb, they'll never know
That their addition to the list is false!
You take these climbers and their hopes

And raise them up and slam them down
Once they get too close to you!
How do I know this viscious pattern?
I have been pity added too!

Desperate times, desperate measures,
You hope to placate a climber's drive,
You think your attention is their treasure,
And will them to plainly survive!

It's a long way up and a long way down
When you are upon someone's list.
When you think upon your items,
Think long and use a steady wrist!

After many lost and half-won battles,
I never thought it would come to this.
I know your bliss and know your burdens,
Do not put me on your list!

I can't just pretend to be cool and put together, when I'm needy and I need you

If I were really cool, a perfect case of what people want,
I'd act like a fool to draw people in
I'd use my mannerisms as a clever fetching tool,
And reap the rewards of my good intent.

When I realize how I'm evil inside,
The greatest sin would be to mask that.
If I drew you in under a set of lies,
Would you be water, and I'd be a hand-woven basket?

An amateur trapeze artist,
You might take a leap of faith onto me
I'm a safety net with a huge gaping hole
And if the light is right, you might not see

The big gaping hole you're about to fall through
Quick! Someone turn on the lights
Illuminate with truth and love
And turn away those wrong or right

It matters not how adaptable you may believe yourself to be,
If there's a big hole you fall through,
You better look for a tree!

Or a close friend to cushion the fall,
My gaping hole knows no repair
You can run away and think of me not at all,
I wouldn't even care.

I might long to be with you,
That longing might be months or years,
But what if you stayed and let me hurt you more?
That's really my greatest fear.

I always say let there be light!
Embrace my whole, don't look away.
See me for what I am inside
And consider what might be at stake.

Is there enough of me in you
That you know how it is to need?
Is there enough of you in me
That I can conform easily

And take what I have, and **** it out,
Give a sales pitch every word I speak?
And then the truest inner self
Would just be who I want to be?

I'm not like that, the me I aspire for
Is within me, but that's my appearance.
The me I fear and hide you from
Is over there on clearance.

Ask what I can do right,
And get charged an enormous amount
Ask me what I can do wrong
The price, in cents, on your fingers, you can count.

It's all for sale! It's all for the better,
Me showing you what's what in here.
If you don't drown, you'll be much wetter
When you experience what I fear

There's no masking it! I won't fool you!
I would never commit such an injustice
I love you so much, I want for you,
To be spared of life's offers roughest

I save such time! Yet waste so much,
On fools who don't know my bad side.
If all is well that ends swiftly,
Let me bring us to demise.

I'm so happy I saw my darkness
And learned the importance of shedding light.
Don't ever only see my goodness,
and don't ever let me waste your life.

I.
I don't idolize famous people
I like some of them, I even love some of them,
But I don't really get it.

Here's someone who I am allowed to know,
If I have the right sources.
And if I have a lot of the right sources,
for one shining moment that I will never forget,
They will know me, and forget me.

It's none of my business, whether they want it or not.
But a famous person doesn't love me or need me.

I know people love famous people, and that's good.
I like that, I like unconditional positive regard based
on a display of talent, artwork, or whatever it is.

I know they change lives.

I know my life has been changed by many people, famous or not.

People I love, especially.

And I am haunted by how much my life has been changed by girls who I have been attracted to. Who I have been in love with.
Some of them thought they were in love with me, but my conclusion is that that was an incorrect assessment.

Feelings change, but mine haven't. I wish they would, yeah, love is not equal in that way.

I would do anything for either of my ex-girlfriends and I still love them so much and I am so proud of them, because they're amazing!

It's over and that's good. Since it's good, why do I still need to love them? Is there a function for that?

Should I idolize celebrities instead?
Do you?
Do you hate all of your ex's for breaking your hearts, or cheating on you, or mistreating you, or dumping you?
Or do you love them? Do you really love them and hope they are one hundred times happier now than they ever were with you?
Are you like me?
Or am I different?

II.
I remember walking into Hollister.
I wanted the brightest t-shirts with the biggest letters across them.
I wanted to be "cool".

I was shy, I was reserved.
I was fitting in, while cracking out of a shell.

Everyone learns to poke holes in the shell that are big enough so that people can identify you, so that you can express yourself within the confines of what is socially acceptable.

Then you have the big hole in your shell, in the back, where nobody sees. Late at night, sometimes, around people you love, you crawl out of the shell and say "This is me! This is my religion, politics, desires, semblance of hope, semblance of confidence."

If you fully emerge from the shell and shed your shame,
and fight to hold yourself back, who are you?
Who do you think you are?
Do I know you?
Are you telling me all of this because you're some kind of desperate freak?

I love myself and it's just that I can't be ashamed anymore.
It's full throttle, it's heart on the sleeve, it's love!
It's I love you! And I love this life! And I need that.
I need that.

I don't want a shell. I want wings and a tidal wave.
Are you like me?
Or am I different?

III.
I sometimes look up when I walk around.
I don't put headphones in, I like to hear what's happening,
And I secretly hope someone will say my name to get my attention and I will hear them.

But! I love music so much, especially rap music.
It's so emotional that is has shaped who I am and my views and understandings of life.

When I walk around, I play the music in my head, silently.

It says things like,
"I've seen it happen, I see it happen, I see it always.
I still be screaming, I see his demons in empty hallways."

"Keep all your dreams, keep standing tall.
If you are strong, you cannot fall.
There is a voice inside I saw,
So smile, when you can."

"When the four corners of this cocoon collide,
You'll slip through the cracks hoping that you'll survive.
Gather your wit, take a deep look inside,
Are you really who they idolize? To **** a Butterfly."

Instead of, "I want you. I need you. Please love me. Am I ugly?
Do I look horrible today? Am I being judged? Am I developing a negative reputation and becoming a social pariah? Is that good?
Are you all better off without me?"

I love music, but in censors my thoughts by haunting me every day.
Should I stop it and let the fear sink in and steer into the skid and embrace what my mind has for me, behind the musical curtain?
Is that why everyone wears headphones in public?
Are you like me?
Or am I different?

IV.
I love people so much, I want to love people for my whole life.
I hope I can help someone, somewhere, someday.
That's all I want.
I don't want to expect anything, or ask for anything, because I've been down that road and it made me annoy people I love until they turned on me.
I want a family, and to be in love, not in that order.
But how?
Are you like me?
Or am I different?