My brain is short circuiting
My sanity's in danger
I'm a plague on most people
I'm an ugly stranger

After 10 hours of sleep
Bad thoughts really won't stop
I don't know what to do
I don't know what to drop

Can't stop loving people
Can't stop wanting girls
Can't stop resisting texting
People who ignore my whirls

I message people when I
Spiral into depression
And people then ignore me
And they teach me a lesson

I'm tired of people
Bout to move far away
Bout to wake up where I may
Eventually see brighter days

I don't know what's wrong
But I can't function right here
All I feel is rejected
Then stuffed with horrid fears

I want what I have wanted
Since I was like, fifteen
Someone to tell all my fears to
Someone to tell all my dreams to

Someone who'd stay up all night
With me just to hear what I'm saying
And I'd listen to every word
And for this girl, i been preying

And it'd be easier to say,
Who cares? Shut up!
If it wasn't the case
That other people in love

And I see them all the time
It's a **** college campus
And they ain't doing no crimes
I'm just so jealous, can't stand this!

Like I wanted a part
In a wonderful play
And then I have to see it
Performed on stage every day

And every person on stage
Is elated to be acting
But I'm in the audience
Only perceiving and reacting

And once the play is all over
The cast members take a bow
Go out and have a cast party
And look at me now!

I'm off alone in my bedroom
With bad thoughts plaguing my conscious
And I'll try to go asleep
But all those efforts are nonsense

You hear these words I'm saying
Think I can lay down in bed
Without distraction and just let
These thoughts calm down in my head?

Well no! I can't! So I load
Up on distractions
And then by 3, 4, or 5,
I finally rest and get lax, then

I have bad dreams
Wake up feeling melancholy
Do it all again
Take all the gifts life bought me

And I hate that I take
All of these gifts for granted
So many reactions in life
So much love on this planet

But my hormones, my mentality,
My maleness, or my wishes
Won't let me stop wanting love
From fully capable women

But love can't be forced!
Love can't be inspired
Love comes naturally
Love ain't women for hire

Love isn't around the corner
Love isn't begging to chill
Love isn't please spend time with me
Love isn't one awkward meal

Love isn't pity, love isn't
Ignoring my texts
Love isn't checking in on me
Since I'm a lustful wreck

Love isn't writing a poem
Love isn't kissing or hugging
Love isn't buying a gift
Love isn't loving or lusting

Nobody knows what love is
Until it falls in their lap
And right now my lap is empty
And I wish! I didn't give a crap,

But I do! And I can't stop!
I'm in a fast car
And all the doors are locked
And I'm looking afar

At all the love I think I see
I want it to happen to me
And this car ride is free
But in my society,

In my nice fast car
I have some wonderful blessings
But all the mountains and rivers
Of company give me wet dreams

And dry dreams and thoughts
About who's gonna read to me
Who's gonna ask what I'm thinking
When all my thoughts are spiraling

It's nobody! Shut up!
Just forget about it
Loves for people who're happy
And obviously you're not! Don't doubt it.

You might love yourself
You might love this life
But love where you're at too
Or love might elude you for life

Because you can't be desperate
You can't need women
Obviously, that's a deterrent
Obviously, that's worse then

Being happy and confident
And calm and complacent
So sit down! Shut up!
Until you feel that way. Then

And only then! May you hop
Out the car
And go and walk through nature
And maybe find some love

There's no guarantees!
It's all out of your control!
Just control what you can
And wait for people to know

Why they should love you
Why they should listen
Why they should see you
Why you exist, then

Once you're judged
By one outlying acceptor
You can give it a shot
But don't give them a lecture

Don't talk too much
Don't bore them to tears
Don't show your emotions
Don't show them your fears

Act like you're normal
Act like you're happy
Welcome conformity
Lest you be written off as sappy

I can tell it's not a game
I'm ready to play
I'm stumbling through life
I hate wishing time away

But I do when I'm lonely
I do when I'm sad
I really wish I had more
But I still love what I have

Emptiness fills my attitude
Passiveness consumes my mind
It's not hatred, it's not rude
My behavior just is not aligned

Standards say I shouldn't care
And shouldn't have any respect
And if I were more an *******
I'd be less dry, and much more wet

I might be thirsty, but exchanging fluids
Takes a pretty strong connection
I stare down a mellow cup of tea
And for tonight, this is affection

The weather's nice, so I survive
When the sun is shining bright
Then, when I am so alone,
The vitamins and sights feel alright

It's only when behind closed doors
And out in streets or eateries
The moon comes out, the groups come out
And I'm alone, respectively

From my perspective, there are two.
The pursuers and the pursued
I beg for love, beg for time,
But who even are you?

Who are you to control me?
Why is there no other choice?
What events led you to have
Complete power over my rejoice?

I wasn't taught that I am nothing
And that no one would seek me out
But yet, from one night to the other
I have my time, and then my doubts

It's clearly all my own **** fault
This isolation, my one undoing
Should I disrespect women more?
For men who do seem never pursuing

But yes, it's true, I must confess
There is a wall that cuts me out
I must love all and give respect
And that, I could really do without

For if this wall would tumble down,
Oh, how much more I could relate!
What if I was much more like you?
What if I finally learned to hate?

And just add in conformity
And then castrate my eager parts
I'd become a social butterfly
And master this illusive art.

But ****! I love myself so much.
I should have put that off, and asked,
"Yeah, sure Nick, you're pretty cool,
But do you want to face the task

Of being alone for being too eager
And being too prideful to change?
Do you want some lonely nights?
Do you want to come off as strange?

Do you want to come off as deranged?
A fool who loves people he just met?
Can you bear the isolation,
Can you bear the empty bed?"

...must be that I took this deal
Without reading all the fine print
Must be great to be repealed
But I am not, so I lament

And yes, I'm blessed, and I hate myself
For wanting what I do not have
And taking what I have for granted
And granting myself the right to be sad

Because I'm so lucky to be here
I'm so lucky to have this life
But there's connections all around me
And my lack causes only strife

Sorry me, I can't just change
I can't devolve to fit the role
I wish I could, I'd love to do it
To accomplish this social goal

But shut up!
You have yourself.
People die before 20 a lot.
Please shut up, please go to bed
And just forget and be forgotten.

Walked alone outside in the Spring evening
Came back warm but my heart was confused and freezing
I took a shower and contained my inner being
Took a drink of water and looked up at the ceiling

When I couldn't sleep, time for walk round two
Me versus the world is what I was driven to do
I needed to escape from my tiny college room
And find some stimulation to help me

All of my friends couldn't text me back or call
But the ones I didn't call would have helped me out regardless
The only people I pursue will just let me fall
And I can't bring love into this darkness

I often wondered why respect and love didn't cut it
I knew I got obsessed with girls, but even when I laid back
There'd always come a time where the girl would look at me with disdain
And I couldn't back up this pattern with fact

But it's quite simple, You all want this,
Being treated like you ain't worth love
A little hamper at the spicket wants a few drips
But he or she ain't want a waterfall

I've got drips, but I'm still really thirsty
Accelerated heart rate got me sweating like a sprinter
But therein lies the rub, if I flock to dry supplies weakly,
I feel the coldness and my life is hindered

Priorities were never my biggest strength
You could say I was one of the boys who only wants one thing
It'd be a great relief to abolish my length
But I might someday want to have a family

Disgusted, disapproving, or maybe just disinterested,
Nobody I met has ever shared my strong feelings
If nobody wants me dead and nobody wants my love,
What plans for me are you revealing?

I want something real, I choke on fake friendships
They suffocate me and I can't dislodge the debris
stressing makes my mind feel stormative and my brain splits
Am I thirsty or just lonely?

Do I just want to have *** or do I need a kind word?
Would a girl read to me if I did one hundred favors?
I want to have it all, but I hate saying I have nothing
When I'm not even putting in the labor

I don't have to fight to get myself out of bed
I don't pretend to love myself and love life
But how come when it comes to feeling lonely in the dead of night,
I beat myself inside my head?

I'd cut the extras off and remove half my brain
So then, in place of annoyance, I'll just be submissive,
But when the daylight comes around, will I still be a beggar,
Or will I learn to love the way I live?

I don't know what I want, but biology makes me anxious
Is there more to it then ***, or is that all I'm chasing?
Using big words and being nice stunts my progress,
So maybe I should switch to erasing

I love who I am, but what's the price of being it?
What good is self-love if I'm stuck on an island?
But I'm not! Cause some people are really sometimes there for me!
I hate my ungrateful silence.

This is the cycle of abuse a thirsty demon faces
I can't escape the fact I want some affection
At least I also want to be read to, and share music,
But I need to find out how to show my dark intentions.

Dressing like a square sure won't get me much further,
You think I study hard instead of harbor foolish wishes??
I'd wear a shirt that says I'm dying for attention,
But I can't not eat and ***** up my dishes

Being desperate is easy until the night comes
I'm placated by any form of contact
But when I'm all alone, my inner self comes out
And I can't turn my back on that.

I'm thirsty, desperate, I want romantic attention
Girls laughing at my jokes and saying that I'm cool,
I'm done with being smart, I'm done with being called smart,
Let me become your favor-fulfilling fool

I wanted to play spin the bottle, I wanted to make out on the lockers,
Instead I was hidden away by my two lovers, not a shocker.
I started being smart to be less embarrassing,
But now I can't get a date or much at all

Being thirsty is a harder path to be on,
But I ain't chose it, it chose me.

I'm done with being smart; socially, I hate it.
I can't express how much big words make me degraded
I want to be a cool guy, not a smart one
I want more girl attention, not to do well in life

I don't belong here; these are my priorities
Somebody love me then tell me to drop out
Then I'll get what I want and be where I'm supposed to be
****, I don't have anything figured out

Thanks for ignoring me so I don't make your life worse
I hope you ended up having a really good night
I can't stop my *** drive from constantly giving birth
Sorry nothing about me is right

Instead of blood and genuine feeling
My core processes other stuff
It grows within and takes me over
And never does it have enough

Although it's really in my brain
I feel it elsewhere every day
Although it causes strain and pain
I cannot ever get away

There's one discharge that can fight it
And it is truly most related
But this act taunts me and I spite it
For true relief, I have long waited

As said before, it's in my mind
But it feels like it spreads all over
I've fought and pined to no avail
I can't even make it slower

I'll call it Ivy, as it grows
And as it takes a female name
For women are its main focus
Much to my own ambivalent shame

They say we're born to reproduce
Deduce value from this, I cannot
This long term goal is why I'm here
But also why my pride is not

This Ivy acts on my behalf
Desperately seeking what I shouldn't get
It's so disgustingly eager for
Approval, praise, eye contact, and ***

Try as I might, when fed small doses
The Ivy strongly grows inside me
I act a fool, ask for too much
And then hide away from society

And then it dies, receding in failure
The adrenaline it pumps is no longer
But only for now, for next time it's fed
There's no doubt that it will grow stronger

And have the wars between Ivy and I
Ever caused me so much shame!
I really can't combat the ****
That plays this eternal awful game

My perceptions also are warped
To be quite tragic and quite strange
When beauty's pain, and kindness poison,
Is my behavior not essentially deranged?

Much like a war, in the past,
Ivy has sent a final strike
The devil on my shoulder wins
And takes one more girl from my life

Just play it cool, I'd tell myself
And have restraint and just be patient
But stronger feelings are then felt
And they then lead to isolation

The medium through which this comes
Is often an inappropriate sharing
"I'm not in love, but you mean a lot to me,
Sorry if I'm too overbearing.

If I am, please cut me off
And don't ever talk to me again.
I want whatever's best for you.
Forever yours, I mean, your friend,

Nick.
So what's restraint, or fighting Ivy,
If not a temporary solution?
My feelings must eventually come out
And shake away the restrictive illusion.

The illusion that Ivy is not me
Is one I try to encompass
But what if I let myself be free
And play my heart's tune like a trumpet.

I already basically do
As it's clear I reek of desperation
But to make their discomfort even less
Perhaps I'll offer this salutation

"Hello! I'm Nick! Good to meet you.
Wait, don't look me in the eye.
I'm full of love and will act as such,
But in return, please don't be kind.

For if you do, I'll become too happy.
And after that, much too excited.
And then I'll be nearly obsessed.
And I won't be able to fight it.

I'll annoy you. Message you all the time!
And act as an annoyance.
So how about we just skip all of that,
And you treat me like I'm pointless?

If there is one thing you must know,
I am the dog that's at your feet
Endlessly happy when I have your attention
And always eager for a treat

And always eager to serve you too!
I'll do whatever I can
You have my undying loyalty
So give me some commands.

I'm begging you, I want to help.
Just give me any minuscule task
I'll try my best, and do it well,
And all you have to do is ask!

You don't owe me anything in return!
Your attention to me is more than enough
From this experience, you will learn
That I am full of some sort of love.

But how about we just skip all that?
And I'll make this really nice and painless
I'm a desperate, toxic, list-filled mess
Our relationship, for you, would be gainless!

So therefore, don't keep me around,
Just to make me feel alright
I'll tell you now, my love won't stop
And it will just be endless strife."

Once I say all that, I'll wait for a response
If the girl I love hasn't walked away.
Ivy will make me do this again tomorrow.
But tomorrow is another day.

When I bought food today, the guy behind the counter said,
"How's your weekend?" and "Have a good day, Nick."
My response was, "You as well." And I really meant it. I couldn't believe he read Nickolas on my I-card, assumed people call me Nick, (which they do), and called me Nick.
I left and I thought to myself, "I'm like him."
I love connecting with people. I want to not be afraid to talk personally with people who I don't know personally. I just want to dive in.
I want to read nametags and after the wonderful young lady at Starbucks gives me my change for my Grande Caramel Machiato, I'd say, "Thanks Sara. Have a great day". She might look at me and say "Thanks! You as well! :)" Or she might say, "Thanks...you too o_O"
Does it matter?
When you give someone your love, even if it's just a milliliter, especially if it's just a milliliter, do they have to like it? Do they have to reciprocate it?
Do those people who always smile and are full of love prefer their lovees to be put off by their kindness, making the lover superior because they have more love than the lovee could ever imagine?

It's just that love has to be selfish. There must be something to gain.
I love people and I never got out of that phase of when you're a child and you think everyone is perfect and they know what they're doing.

See, I cognitively now realize that people are just as lost as me, but emotionally, I feel that everyone else is on a level above me and I am a few levels down. In terms of how much love I deserve, how much attention I deserve.

I love seeing other people happy. But me? I could do without it. It's immaterial.

So when other people love, it's lovey love, it's happiness love, it's the love that's in the air, the love that makes you hold open doors, the love that makes you human.

When I love, it's the love that makes you write letters, the love that's begging for attention, looking for approval, trying to dominate others, trying to be human.

I want to be just like you. If I could treat myself how I treat you, I might be happier.

You can love something and not care about taking care of it. You can love something and let it go. You can love yourself and let yourself go.

It's really bad but I want to share this with others because my artwork might help someone someday and it helps me and that's cool, but knowing that everything I produce might someday make someone's life better even if it's just for one second, then it's worth it. It's extremely worth it.

So I want to be like that guy who works at that place. Someone who cares. And underneath all of that "I deserve way less than other people" emotional nonsense that plagues my neurons, I am.

I.
We all are cars bound to many appendages
Grasping with our minds for beginnings and ends of testaments
Always searching for new things and waiting for old to be over
Wheels repeating the motions but passing by four leaf clovers

It's over and then it's new when a period repeats itself
As my sneakers are on my feet and my flip-flops are on the shelf
When I'm driving to the beach, I don't take what I really need
My car is eagerly speeding and waiting for steel to bleed

The emotions of us are empty when sensations are rushing through us
But while the car is started, not driving is something useless
But driving can't be the key when complacence is what the ancients
Prescribe for me to survive, but then am I really alive?

II.
The engine sputters when journeys become impatient
When I'm vibing and also thriving, my shyness is somehow vacant
A wait list, a shaking matrix of info, but my lymph nodes
Are bored so am I just freezing or will these lists give me meaning?

Defined by numbers and letters is permanent, therefore better
Than fluids inside my tubing moving and assigning titles
I might pull off this whole trip but my travels would be wetter
If my fluids started leaking, so numbers are my revival

My I.D. is nothing like me, my fluids are how I can be.
So driving is what provides me with motion and stimulation
There's nobody who can stop me unless my motives become empty
So what is really plenty? Transit is the vacation

Derision about precision
Makes my poetry a mockery
My words fit somewhat nicely
But my meanings are lost like me

I can't tell where this is going
But I'll know where it is soon
It is long and it is hard
But I'm composing a new tune

A linear progression
Would warrant fewer questions
And it'd be like all my heroes
Instead of like all my best friend's

Favorite musical artists
And those are generally rappers
And I have rap in my heart
And that is what really matters

So my words have to fit nicely
But meanings are not as vital
People who get it might like me
And if not, there's always "life goals"

And other universal
Generic humor that pleases
But artwork takes something moral
And breaks it down into pieces

And sometimes it's like a sculpture
Or maybe more of a collage
Sometimes meaning's apparent
Other times it's a barrage

And it's hitting you all over
And you don't quite see the picture
But sometimes that brings us closer
Because life too is a mixture

Of things that don't fit nicely
And things that can hit you strongly
This poem's ordered but it might be
Something that you'll think of fondly