there is a great yearning to draw closer to my God
yet theres been so much bombarding me constantly that i turn to instead of You
meaningless, everything, all these things are meaningless
not one is more worthy of my time than You
i let these thoughts sink in, penetrate me to the bone and depths of my soul
but it doesn't seem to make a difference
i am drowning in my own ocean that i have jumped into at my will
Grace, i am so undeserving
you're there, you care
but how could you give a forty-third, or maybe two hundred and-seventh chance to a lonely, desolate girl so desperately trying to repent and release from the sins of her life
for these wounds remain deep and i know the error of my ways
but i can't let go of the world thats pulling me in
down, down into the pit, the smooth rolling path to darkness
and i succumb
"Delight in Giving! do not Give grudgingly or out of necessity, but out of the joy of your heart and the love of God manifested in you, and what you give out, you will recieve back the same measure!"
the simplest words, the hardest actions to carry out.
i act in anger and callousness to the ones i love most.
i just harshly the ones i don't know at all and the ones closest to me.
do i ever go without judging anyone?
i love so deeply when i do love, and now it seems to lead to my demise
i love the ones who are wrong for me
the ones who have dragged me to this empty state


haven't i heard the words before? haven't i been taught the way out?
haven't i grown up in the house of my Father where all my life's guidelines were laid before me with lovingkindness and vision for the future?
when will i learn?

i feel like you're so far away and i'm here stuck in this wretched state of mind and spirit.

the narrow road seems to small for me to enter
or maybe its because im trying to squeeze the bags of ******* i'm carrying through it at the same time.

the act of letting go

help loose the vices, help cure my diseases
this seems too much, i fail unceasingly
there seems to be no hope for me
although i know you're on my mind all the time
i continue to hear words of wisdom from others, even though they're not directed at me
all i need are signs
all i need is to know you're going to get me through this
i'm holding you to it
you can't let go, it will be the end of me.

sin is the anchor holding me down

isn't there an easier way out than this?

this must be why you said, "few will find it."
well i'm going to press in
and i'll find that gate to the smallest path
the quiet way that the world looks over and never notices
and when i do i hope you help me through
all i want is to see your kingdom
many are called but few are chosen
i was chosen before i was born,
but as ive learned,
birthrights can be sold. for meaningless treasures.

tell me i haven't made the deal, tell me my soul is still recorded in your book
i need life after this
i need joy and unspeakable relief and love for eternity, not unfathomable pain and torment and blasphemy forever

tell me it's not too late

clean me up, show me how to live

take me out of this dreadful ocean of apathy and despair
the willingnses to let go is something i need now more than ever


my heart feels far from yours
take notice of my feeble hands
hold them, hold me close, lead the way, carry me Grace, across the ocean of doubt and despair.

i'm asking for your forgiveness
for my lack of faithfulness

i'm asking
for your
forgiveness

such a lack of faithfulness

rock bottom feels too apathetic
where do i go

only you know the thoughts in my head and can speak to me the perfect words i need to hear
work your glorious ways and show me i'm not alone
tell me there's something after this trial
what is this trial anyways?
am i complaining about something that's not there?
or should i be concerned?
to regret, or not regret?
choices have lead me to this point, but what if certain things i've done i wish i could take back?
is it wrong?

you know me inside out
now please, take these prayers from a lonely, apathetic, graceless girl,
who needs love, who wants love, who wants to show compassion and hope and joy and giving and mercy wherever needed.
the spirit must manifest in me at some point.
in due time
you circle the sky and wait for the greatest moment to set in

i hardly know the thoughts in my own head
i hope some are Yours

thank you for paying attention

when i feel no one else does.

when i feel like no one cares,
you look down on me and smile.

all i need
is a little

perserverance

Of being me.

Tired
of what haunts me.

If there's a Light;
should we be following it?
Or should we choose to stay
wandering blindly in the darkness.

If there's a Hand;
should we be holding it?
Or should we choose to walk
stumbling and falling over rocky ground.

If there's a Hope;
should we be finding it?
Or should we choose to mourn
wailing in despair and trying to see through drowning eyes.

If there's a Peace;
should we be preaching it?
Or should we choose to stress
raising fists and gnashing teeth.

If there's a Blood;
should we be redeemed?
Or should we choose to deny
running along the smooth road and bear no regret.

If there's a Grace;
should we be carried?
Or should we choose to carry on
trying to control, yet sinking deeper into the sea.

if there's a Love;
should we be loving?
Or should we choose to hate
spitting fire and carrying murderer's hearts.

If there's a Way...
should we take it?

If there's a Truth...
should we believe it?

If there's a Life..
should we seek it?

Two paths.
Two choices.
Two Places.
One End.
One Life.
One Saviour.

Who was, and is, and is yet to come.

If its not too much to ask

I think I'm ready to come back now

You probably have a stern lecture for me, a big season of disciplining is now in full force, I can feel it, I think.

Its all a big lesson.

Does that mean you chastize me? (Hebrews 12:6) Is it really a lesson of love rather than hate? Do you completely not like me anymore? Do you look down in shame on me? Am I off the book? Am I gone from your mind of loved ones? Please tell me you're still there and willing to get me back to the top of the mountain where I was before. Bring me back to the level of faith that I long to have again.

I don't want to know that I'm no longer a daughter but I'm afraid that is the current truth.

Everything feels so wrong. I have grown weary, I have grown so weak.

I have never resisted to the point of blood. This shames me beyond anything. Why! The fire has been put out and its all my fault. You were right all along, and I knew it, but I purposely chose to go the other way. Even your Word seems foreign now. What a bad season! I'm ruined. I'm gone. I have been living halfway and no way. I lost everything I had built in you. Help me and have mercy on me because I can't believe right now that you love me. I can't believe that your grace will take me back now. I can't believe it when all I've done was spit forgiveness in the face and throw away redemption and repentance to the wind. I'm done for, Lord take me back because there's no way I can do this on my own. There needs to be a revival and I have to come back to you, my heart feels so heavy.

And all I tried to do,
was see the best in you

Look where its gotten me.

You have never once failed
to inspire me.
My heart is shining bright in new colours from your influence.
Such strength resides in your every step, though your mirror is dark and broken.

I would never dream of a life without you in it.

No one wants
to read somethin
Happy.

We're lookin for negative, mournful words
from the livin,
breathin,
emotion-reelin
Heart.

Writing bout a bad day
or a crazy situation or two,
that you can't make sense of.

Being sad or upset about anything
is what attracts people
To people.

It's the only way to learn something
About somebody.

I’ve felt the damage and burn from the fallout.
My love failed but theirs prevailed.
My friends, I’m only flesh and bone, but I won’t let you die alone.
So leave our hearts at the foot of the mountain.
Let our burdens be locked in the stone.
If you will help me roll it upward,
I won’t let you die alone.
I see a beauty springing upward from the earth and from out our hearts.
For all the bad that seems to plague us, I swear to you there’s good.
They say that death is not a problem, it’s a promise,
I can only say for sure that when it makes your bed I’ll kiss your head “Goodnight.”
So speak of all the love we lost, and what it cost us,
Left us beg our breath to stop but we kept on and
We were strong. We stayed bright as lightning,
we sang loud as thunder, we moved ever forward.
We are not our failures. We are love.

He breathes this life into me.

I come from far aways and swim in his ocean of Light but still I stray
from time
to time.

I seep filth and despair and wallow in the blackest of waves as I forsake the real Redeemer.
Where is my joy? Where is my belief in a hope that destroys all senselessness and brutality? All self deprecating and apathetic waste that I contain?

A heart differs so greatly than the other in each man and woman who has ever been alive. Prayer steadfast brings talents to the surface, and glorified by His hands we walk in a blinding outpouring of Light. Because we bear His name instead of a lie.

I tried in vain night after night, month after month, year after year to convince myself of the rightness of each word I say. Of each thought I think, **** everyone else, I was the wiser! I was the superior! I was the true victor of these broken homes we call hearts!

AND YET THERE HE WAS TO BREAK ME DOWN IN THE KINDEST AND MOST LOVING OF WAYS WHEN I DESERVE HELL!

Try believing that you were once on top of everyone elses’ brains and yet there He was to steer your so-called mighty ship away from a sheer drop in the waters— turns out you captain a pathetic dinghy.

Now breathing slowly. I close my worthless eyes and see the speck of a fraction of His glory. I walk among a pasture where tranquility and serenity reign, and I? I am a fool. I am a wandering Pharisee with a lost mind and two empty hands. I feel a heart beat fiercly within me when I think of You, I feel my soul stir to a great storm of love and awe when I see You move in the earth and in lives so closely connected with mine. I love to see You work, Father, your craft will never be challenged in all of eternity. I would trade all I’ve gained in the world to become the best daughter in You.

I am a daughter of the Most High.

He knows how I dream. He knows how passionately I desire the richest life i was called to serve for the Kingdom. I was a blessed soul. He knows. He knows how I dream. He knows what I dream of and what I cannot begin to.

So I walk onward and can only gaze at the sky, as if the blue atmospheric sea is teaching me lessons on its own. I beg for an answer, the prayer i have uttered hoarsely for so many nights: “Where am i? Where am I on this map of Yours?! I am getting crushed by the world and these walls are closing in on me. I writhe in my own agony and succumb to so much pride. I am killing me. Where am I? O Father, where am I in You?!”

And He listens. And He knows. I know He knows, and carries me ‘cross chasms and whirlpools, even when I do not feel His embrace. Soon i know these times will come. I challenged the sky no more, and take a moulding hammer to my own heart, to shape for You. I will make You proud someday, I swear.I will make this life worth something… I then ask him if I was planned for anything great at all. Was my soul charted out to someday hold and deliver power and integrity in You?

And as I listen close, every fiber of my eardrums heightened, my soul stills as I hear one thing..
He breathes. And He breathes this life in me.

I can’t remember exactly where or how it started off but i found myself on a beach that was coast to a massive ocean, perhaps the Atlantic . I was with clare and some other people I didn’t know, but it felt like I did know them. We were all running away from someone who was particularly dangerous to us for some reason. I think there was a bar or club we ran out of to get away that was also on the beach shoreline. It was a cloudy day and we all ran into the water. I had no idea how we’d escape when suddenly there was a silver Volkswagen bug car just floating there stationed in the shallow water waiting for us. It had no wheels, just floated there like a boat, and there was no top on the car so it was like a convertible . We all jumped into the car in great haste and I asked, “how are we gonna drive this thing?!” (as it was, after all, a car in an ocean). Clare said “we just start it.” She turned the key to the ignition and it rumbled to life just as a normal car would, and to drive it we just used the gas pedal and steering wheel to drive it full speed across the waters surface. It drove very smoothly without faltering. We needed to make it very far away, like sail from wherever we were to a country in Europe, like France. So I then fell asleep for days on end in the car so I wouldn’t have to be waiting for us to reach land. Once I woke up it was sunny and we were in a country that resembled Florida. We got off the car and left it floating in the water and went into an old abandoned house to pack up things for our next voyage. It was old inside the house with wooden plank walls where the sun shone through it’s cracks into the room. There we met up with several others who were making getaways just like us all across the continent, we were all trying to escape something but just didn’t know what. We were all very tanned and very *****, we were covered with ruddy sand and dirt and our skin was bronze like we’d spent days out in a desert. I really missed my parents as they were unaware of me leaving so I wrote them an imaginary letter in my head hoping they’d somehow read it that way, and would understand where I was and why I was leaving. I was worried sick about them for some reason. then everyone left our cottage to board the car boat and I was left back because I was having trouble deciding what coloured flip flops I wanted to pack in my bag . Simona was yelling at me to hurry up and I was looking at red, blue black and brown flipflops all mismatched under a table. I grabbed the brown ones and took off. We somehow made it across more bodies of water and under seaside cliffs, hills and mountains as we sought a place of refuge from this thing we were running from in our starting land. Then we made it on land and found a house in a city, and inside the house resembled my uncles’ house in Tecumseh. We all went into the basement where FUD was having band practise but they had no instruments and were just talking to people. Terry was bidding goodbye to a slutty gf who couldn’t keep her jeans on without showing her crack to the whole house. I fell asleep on a couch in the basement on a really comfy pillow. I awoke and everyone was leaving and Tyler was running around the basement making bad jokes. This time my mom was in the basement and she was either wanting to come along on our escape or begging me to stop going anywhere. I felt really awful about it but I can’t remember if she came with us or not. Suddenly we were all gone from the house and I was climbing an immense system of buildings and steel planks they use to build things in big cities. If i fell i would surely plummet to my death, but i was climbing so agile and nimbly and fast it was not a concern to me at all. It was dusk and the sunset was painting dark blue and reds and pinks and yellows across the sky. I was climbing 500 feet up in the air and behind me was jasmine from Aladdin. We were chasing this Asian man from the Disney movie mulan, he was the secretary character, with a long moustache and kimono outfit. He was really evil to us I guess. He eventually reached a big peak in the building system and was laughing at us below when a huge metal cross was being lifted up and down and delivering a crushing bang to the exact position he was sitting on. He couldn’t go anywhere as the end of the structured thing hit his legs, then missed, then hit his toe, and finally crushed him and he fell all the way down to his death. I was awestruck and still hanging 500ft in the air on this skeleton of a building and the sun was setting, and then I woke up with this so vivid in my head I had to write it down cause it was so real to me.

Every night
around the same late hour
when the world has darkened--
My heart beats somberly on
as I wonder about,
well…

You are the air beneath my wings
but you’ve drifted away--
I don’t blame you.

I need lift off.

is for peacekeeping-
and the sleepy.
and one is me,
the other I strive to be.

goodnight, earth

Everyone I know holds love in their hands
They have the feeling all around them
They are swept up in a world of affection
And I take it all in
Happy and lonely
Lost in my realm of solitude
It's not that I don't like it here
But I could sometimes use
Just a double more
Company.

Love, where shall I find you?

Those are bold claims indeed
To say that about someone
who knows not now to love
seems like a tall tale.
I should be excluded out of the equation.
What does it even take for me
to be equally treating people right?
I have loved you more than I usually love people,
but please,
I only wish I could aim that
towards every last soul
in my life.

Im sorry I don’t
give the ones closest to me
their deserved love
Above everyone elses.

You come first.

And for that I am exceedingly sorry.

This, frankly will not fly.

Mentor Shakespeare!
He said that expectation was the thief of all joy.
(Or was it his cousin Comparison?
It might not make a difference.)

If I may address you,
Adhered--blessed Grandfather of my soul's art,
My God's created conduit to His inspiration that flows through me constantly,
The ceaseless voice I can never shake off--
I feel this is my only release
In the pain I feel
--Blessed grandfather,
And Father,
Ease me in this tumult:
I was inclined after a few
Short grasps of eyes meeting eyes
A shared Smile
Maybe then I thought,
The loneliness could be lifted,
Drifted,
Acquitted,
Only just for a moment!
Only just for a brief break from the drab outline of the life I call mine!
(And yet, it is not!)

I thought perhaps I was worth a moment
Of a precious creation's time.
Was it not commonplace to build such dreams
In the sand of my stormy shore'd mind

But Fathers,
What sparks!
What electricity can bring down the tallest tower that stands alone in the barrenness of the world,
To an elevated illumination in the highest clouds of the most brilliant heaven of Love!
Ah, the sharpness of the memories jolts me still!
But what of it?
All my visions are turned to naught,
And I have been struck down
And returned to the far corners where I am unreached.
Alone and unsought,
Feasibly content, the tallest tower remains in its solitude,
Unaware that the absence of life cannot render a knowledge of its true state.

What a sad shape we are in,
To expect the world, over a single pearl found
On the tossed beach of the soul.

We endure to strive see better things
Upon golden horizons
Though awe strikingly gray clouds
Obscure our precious sun's light.

I watch an ocean fill the gaps of the earth
Without a sound
We move past and no one breaks their gaze from their own lives,
And goals of material gain.

I watch an ocean
Integral
Intended
Full of depth too great for a man's mind...
We need not know
How vast a wonder
No grasp to attain
Just to observe
Breathe amazed sighs,
Gaze up towards full skies,
Ask to see through His eyes...
It is a wish of mine.

Canyons of water,
Buildings of waves
Architecture of sound and of depths
Too great
for my mind.

I fall away, fall apart, into the waves I drift,
and I may drown,
To hear you say
A word.

Daughter.

Alive.

With the gale of a storm in my soul I rise above and feel held together!
You have stitched my open scars,
Tied your hands as tourniquets to my outpouring blood,
Realigned my broken bones,
And whispered to my heart a message I could not hear or understand-
At once, it beat.

You are my source of equanimity.
My eyes see new things,
Because of You.

And because of all my healing
I now know how
The world will come to see You
And believe You.

My home is always in Your presence,
and I've risen from so many mountains of ashes,
Each time,
A touch
Brighter.

I abandon these
things to
get reconnected for
a lifetime that
is actually perfectly
meaningless but Lord how it
sparkles in the sun..
would you ever
think it couldn’t
benefit me?

I am a pawn,
and I lie
like a rug.

you will be the death of this frigid soul!

how i long for togetherness and sincerity,
and the patience to hold out for what
this heart longs for most!

i must hold out,
i am a mere branch
on the Vine of all life!

there must be more to my temporal,
trivial,
petty suffering.
nothing will resound until i begin to shed these layers
of self hatred,
faithlessness,
and indulgence.

i have shed my fearful skin.

Leaking through my veins,
Seeping past my heart
It freezes my soul,
Can’t get past the cold
air of the dark-
ness
that I breathe in,
Scream to fight off
But it won’t stay off
I’m betrayed and I’m frayed to shards of
an old ghost:
Lost my glow
Lost that elected touch.

Oh I want the goodness,
But the goodness don’t want me.
Or could it be I’ve fought
for too long, now it
seems i’m not as strong due to
desensibility, ******* the passion out of me
I’m made to resonate kindness
Emulate a bright bliss
But I grab for transience,
Trading that omniscient light for a couple cents
In comparison, where’s that dream of intelligence
busting from my heart and spirit’s senses,
Now I spend my days hopping fences,
breathing relentlessly heaving from thinking,
endlessly drinking, my mind has been sinking
and I am seemingly drowned out,
Found out,
I’m nothing without some fearlessness,
I called out some where in the Out There
My ears shut out the world,
at last, my last inch of hope is straining
to pick up a sound,
gracefully deigning to
reach me:

I’m not a lost soul,
adrift in some dark cold
sea on an isolated glacier
composed of only lonesomeness,
and ice water.

you were so alive
I watched you grow like a daisy in a *** on my window sill
the light was all you needed
the food came with the light of the sun
the light of the Son
but then the glint of silver and gold got a hold of your eyes
the silver and gold, they were lined with meaningless promises
your heart hardened and became empty
the black of the world turned your eyes from me
me and your family
the blood of your saviour
you chase the dark, you’ve abandoned the light
who wants to see something so beautiful wilt away into an ugly form of what used to be?


I smell the smoke on your breath and see the liquor in your eyes as you slur, this is who I am, I’m not ever coming back
lord forgive him, he doesn’t know what he’s doing,
he’s dropped his cross and he’s headed for the hills


don’t you know everything you wanted was being fulfilled
everything you dreamed of being was in arms reach


come back, we’re crying, our brother, hoping you’ll see, is there anything you miss
is there anything you regret about what you’ve done
the light of the Son
the light of the Son

outstretched hands with holes in his hands
there’s holes in his hands
he’s more than a man
that’s all the proof you need


but if you ever decide to turn around,
you’ll see me
but more importantly
you’ll see Him

I was once alone in triumph
An emotion unwavered by my poise
Balance was never something
We adhered to

If I could reach into your calloused heart
I think there’d be no disconnect
To why we felt so tied
to the same bloodline.

And I’ve been unwell
For too long now.

I remember how thick life became when you entered it.
You broke my pillars to my mind's dominion,
Shattered like crystals on the cold dusty floor.
I remember how clean you were,
So tall and strong and sturdy,
You are the farmer's prized plough horse
Yet he keeps your name from the town's prying eyes.

The picture of grace in a masculine frame!
How my own shell, feminine by birth,
Could not compare to its wispy movements,
Calculated and precise,
Chaste, pure, fast,
Unforgiving.
No room for breath in a sight so eloquent and
Visually forceful
As your graceful footfalls
When they pierce the barricades that stand
Weaker in your path.
There was no speck of dirt in your fingernails,
Your hair a billowing chestnut wave,
Snowy eyes smiled only so often,
And was your soul as clean?
(I believed, dear, that it was)

Son, you moved me like a mustard seed moved a mountain
And with those dancer's arms you spread them wide
And ascended to a height we don't know yet.

My little canary
My dear, sweet, fierce child
Pure as a bar of soap

I hope this calls you back to me
Someday.

My breath contracts as the night begins.
I slide between the stone streets,
Divide through alleys like a wisp of
Faint air drifting through this
Atmosphere.

Break forward.
There is this voracious silence,
Eats all but me and the moon's daunting smile

I smile against the darkness,
Seperate from the night.
Cold air speaks to my throat,
This task will be met
By my transclucent grasp
On reality...

My heart is the anchor that drowns me in ankle deep water.
The shore is so close..
I dare not wade farther into the depths i have already wandered into.
Pull me back to shore.
The turnabout begins now.

I will float on
And this night will remain my home
Yet I will be the streetlights and the promise of dawn

I should let you know
I was not a fool
I was not a muse
I was not a truce
Between the below and above
I imagined myself a djinn
A powerful being,
Being, so many kinds of people.
All their positivity, I drank each with fervour
Every unique trait I had ever come across
Became my own effortlessly.

So cool, so cool, so cool...

And as my mind drifts into a dream light, I wander...

My soul is lost on a shore.
Sunlight streams in and nothing can destroy it
The leaves shake the trees and I am surrounded by bliss.

Emotions were ripped out of me at a young age,
Ones I did not know I could feel!
And yet--This adrenaline--
It provides me with the grip on my calling.

I will live to realize this soul rooted wish.
You will be honoured.

And so I wander into the night.
Day in, day out.
The moon grins with ****** intent,
But I am the streetlights and the promise of dawn.

Perhaps if the wreck i found myself in
were to dissolve away
under one breath
of divine intent
I could envision the ways
I should voyage on and beyond
sharpening my sense of sight—
direct this vessel
North—
because my ability to look back—
I’m lagging continuously
South—
and calculate, analyze, administer failure to the past
is rather quite
impeccable.

leakin through my veins
seepin past my heart
it freezes my soul
can’t get past the cold
air of the dark-
ness
that I breathe in
scream to fight off
but it won’t stay off
i’m betrayed and i’ve frayed to shards of
an old ghost
lost my glow
lost that elected touch.

Oh I want the goodness
but the goodness don’t want me.
or could it be…

“Help me get out, hell is holdin on.”

Like the trains by your house,
I waited
Anticipated the walk through that threshold of wood, and bloodlined adoration.

I never walked into a place that was ever quite the same.

something is stirring. keeping me awake.
whirling inside me.
the groanings of my prayers that can't be expressed in words.
i have to let it out.
my spirit is clawing out in hunger.
reaching for food from Your hands.
crying out to learn the real meaning of Love.
the strength to smile at the unfaithful
the courage to welcome the desolate.

my whole life, i've been near dead on the inside.
knowing the basics, the foundations of You
but never up to par
never where i should be
i haven't yet felt the fire in my bones,
the outpouring holiness,
the purity of my cleansed soul,
but i can sense it's so near.

named after wisdom, but can't learn the second and third steps.
i have felt that i must have been doing something wrong
for so long
i can't shut it out
i can't turn a deaf ear to it any longer
my God
you have known me from the womb, you have loved me before i was even conceived
a babe, called Your daughter
who could ask a greater priveledge?

and yet
i sit.
and strain my ears
and rasp at my throat but there are no words
to truly describe these feelings.


rest assured
you'll get no sleep from my eyes
until these holes are filled
until these flaws are made whole
until these walls are broken down
when the day comes where You make Yourself real to me
the day i've been longing for
the day i hear Your will and your power
your unfailing love
i will become Your servant at the highest extent of my ability
i will not falter
i will stay faithful

i can't afford
to stray from You
ever again.

Love is near.
Love is REAL.
Love is here to stay.
Forever.

I WILL STAY FAITHFUL

You will never know where I go when I hurt.
You will never understand the tongue I speak in.
You will never pry into my mind, you will only ever see the surface of me.
You will not get me to reveal any important piece of the things I love and fear in life.
To be truthful, your black heart is too corrupt for me to bear, i cannot be around you for it. We are like oil and water, you and I.
I can’t take you, and you won’t come close to my heart.
So few can, because I know they are real and more good than evil.
Sorry but that’s just the way it is.
This is my game and I control who enters the field and who stays out, far away.

I will destroy the death in me. the plagues that soak my mind and thoughts.
my bones will hold strong and keep their frame in Your surpassing strength.
If it weren’t for my broken heart i would never be this close to peace.
i’ll breathe your blood as long as i live

My eyes are open…

and everything still moves in slow motion.

I traded gold for my birthrights once before.
no, not again.
won’t happen again.

Sun rays can warm the skin to the bones beneath, but what can thaw a frozen heart like mine?

Ruts. holes. trenches. i am in a fixed state.  

Watch the dirt part ways as I ascend from the filth.

It’s just the soldier in me has been in a fog for some time
it appears we’ve reached dark lands and could not navigate our way out
my soul was silenced and my integrity grew weak
underneath the oppression it still shone
but never bright enough
for the world to see
it’s been too long
but i’m feeling like some gears have had their dust blown away
cranking out life

you can throw a war my way
I’ll show you
what I
can really do

I am
weary,
and apathetic,
and have stopped caring
about so many things.

I can’t catch a break
between wars I
tie myself into
anyway.

I wanna go into solitary living
out in the glory of nature
and go unheard of for weeks.

That would heal me.

I know it aint worth it/

My mind knows it so well--
it's always known the wise choice!

...It's all a matter of stomping out
My wretch of a
heart's intentions.

Spit in my eye,
knock me to the ground,
shake my soul into place.

I need to be grounded. You need to step in before my mind takes the best of me. I would not put myself in this position of pain and suffering if I was any kind of strong, but alas..

You must save me from this sea I have thrown myself into, I cannot swim..

I tried to do everything I could to get this storm to cease its thundering,
but the constant wind and rain is flooding my egocentric brain.

I can level off this pain if you could give me strength and time of day
but all I see is a sea sent gale and it’s coming to take you away
(From me, from me, from me)

I cannot wait

To uncollapse

To tear away

From all that

Breaks me.

I saw your smiling face
breathing out your finest talents
I saw the masses stop and stare in awe
at all your beauty and
the work of your hands
singin’ out blessing and what He gave you
it was such
a defining moment
in my pride
and humility.

I felt my heart lift as
I built off this happiness and intrigue
my eyes shine always when I see you become
admired, purely, completely
as you should be,
as you deserve to be
I always tipped my head
in confusion
to your shame.

I wanted to tell you
I decided to
of how great you sang and made the words
so free floating and swirling about in our ears and in the air
your craft was honed with every touch of grace
that a talent has been created to bear.

I stepped forward
with the honest words on my tongue
and I drew so close
but stopped.
I was held back
by worry and unnamed fear and a lack of certainy
and bravery.

I felt the praises freeze in my mouth
not escaping past
the walls of my teeth.

I sigh, hold it together girl, your time will come.
I carry on
watch on
you continue to shine yourself bright
unknowingly as it may be
Harvest your blessing, man
and just like everyone else you are a work of art.

and though I cower in silence
You have never failed
to make me proud.

There was no light in this room, aside from the old candle burning bravely away in the corner. Its flames were just enough to give light to her face. Shadows ran back and forth in a hide-and-seek across her soft yet pronounced cheekbones. I felt nothing for her but adrenaline-fueled contempt and a desperate longing for understanding.
  She seemed not to be phased as I clutched the back of my chair until my knuckles shone through the thin skin of my hand. I could have tried to choke out all of my emotion in under a minute effectively, efficiently, eloquently. But my heart shut out my skill in spoken expression. Therefore I spoke in spattered breaths.
“All I ever wanted,” I spat, “Was for you to realize what you had done to me, for so many months. But you can’t see even for a minute, a second, outside those scaled eyes of yours.”
She had a haze over her eyes that seemed to increase in their vague appearance with each syllable that left my dry mouth. If eyes were windows to the soul, it could be documented that she had no entrancement to anything concrete, anything right before her, any solid thing or word audible and visible— anything able to reach out and touch her sallow face. What an empty place her world must be. But that was all under an If.
Me on the other hand, I continued to slip into an uncontrolled state of verbal diarrhea. “I felt for you,” my hands trembled on the wooden frames they clutched, “more than I have almost been able to fathom. I have been stretched, flattened, torn to shreds and blown away in the very presence of you for so long. And I need to know, how I rank on your scale of human significance,” my knees trembled, “Please. Just this.” Voice touched down just above a decibel. “I really need my heart to feel…whole again.”
And I waited. For a smile. For a tear. For a scream. Any reaction. Any movement, I would welcome with open arms.
The creak of the bed startled me, and my mind was jarred to see her outline ascend from the sheets and head for the door. Her shadow following behind, I heard her utter, “This was worth nothing to you, or me. My heart has not changed with you, and I doubt it shall change without you. Goodbye.”  
And every colour that was connected to any last piece of her presence, her aura, her shadow, disappeared. The door clicked open and shut in under two seconds.
I sat, and absorbed. A thick cloud draped over my shoulders that reached down into my ribcage. I had gotten so far, and recieved so little. Should I have been more broken up than this? I made not a sound— a drifting wisp of smoke caused more of a racket than I.
Yet I felt that…
This was not the end, no. The thickness of the air seemed to tell me so.

Soft whisps of sound
Echoed through
Your airy room,
Illuminated by afternoon sun.
My eyes could never brighten from their rays
Dark as the trees bark in the shade,
I could never impress
The onlooker.
Yet yours were unraveled by the light
An emerald glow that always
Pierced through to the very depths of me.
I loved this room.
It was so open, vast,
The wood paneled flooring corrected
The structure of my spine,
A posture redefined.

We never came here
with heavy hearts--
that lasted.

But today was a new day.
After all..
There must always be ends
to beginnings.

Here is our living progress.

I walked in expecting nothing more than a serene day
To spend with you,
We had hours to create new memories.
To stand side by side,
To feel sparks emanating from our hands
Every dot of skin
Exerting energy that can only be described as Love in movement.

But today was different.

I crossed the room upon my arrival
To see you in a broken heap upon the wooden floor
I remember your falling tears,
Shuddering shoulders,
Heaving ribcage...
I did not know you were able to crumble before now.
But this was a time where I could not utter such questions.
I begged for knowledge of the news I only knew
Would tear me down
Yet I fought the fear away
before I heard your breathing slow
And the words you spoke
Dripped thick and slow like toxins down a riverbank.

And all I remember was seeing your hands shake as they held you up.
Your arms, like pillars on the wood paneled floor.

I felt a sense of a crashing tidal wave over my world.
How could I live without a friend Ive known to be so dear?
Was it all a dream?
A fleeting shard of a nightmare fueled by stress and constricting warmth?
There was no hint of life in me that desired the truth to be what it was...
And that was Truth.
A smothering, suffocating reality.

He was gone.

I stared with glazed eyes upwards towards through the ceiling to a deadpan sky with no answer,
Other than the throbbing sensation I knew,
Somehow the only solution to my pain
A voice above the clouds
Whispered itself to me...
Death is the road to awe. Acceptance leads to strength.
I am nearest to you when your soul feels like tearing itself in two.

Look away from me.

Those trembling hands.

I backed away into a whirlwind of deafening silence and despair
My heart broke into a thousand pieces,
And to this day I'll never forget the noise it made.

oh how

I consist

of this.

depart from this world
start a crusade on my own
in my desired world of refuge
that no one else can join
they only look on
in a confused and ignorant state
i parade in a fantasy of adventure
i'm a pirate! and none of you can stop me!
the land is mine!
the sea! the wind!
off with impossibility; i win wars and battle thousands.
warrior to be reckoned with,
cunning and impeccable skills in rhetoric
they do not stand close to me
i am my own
but yet, i never was.
i live at ease with this
and continue on,
fighting
flying
smiling as the sunset swallows me up as i set forth across my noble steed;
my noble sea

my favourite place that never was,
but could someday be

Fixed on some subject that was not visibly there, trying to decipher its message. Was he being taught a lesson in this silence we sat in? I could not break the blanket of stillness, as this was a moment that transcended mere words, but something at the edge of my mind felt a fringe of holy breath in the room, and in our moods.
Then he spoke, quietly but with a tone of certainty and awe. “I do not understand her,” came his soft voice. “I long to, and I feel like I have reached a place where few have known of, but yet she has so many uncharted lands in her. Sometimes i long to tear her apart, but I love her to a depth I am unaware of. I feel myself gravitating towards her presence. She understands something about life that I don’t... that most of us don’t.”
He strained his eyes a touch more, like an astronomer tries in vain to pick apart a night sky, but with a minuscule amount of success. I could see him ravaging his mind for words to explain his relationship with her. Nothing could be found to express it.
So I saw the gears stop turning with a reluctant sigh, and he lost focus of any one thing to observe, and his gaze drifted away into a void, staring off into a direction insignificant. In this moment his thoughts were seeing more than his eyes, and I began to lift my own heavenward, As my mind’s voice spoke softly, how rare are moments and beings like these? And why are they given so sparingly?

And on we sat, and absorbed.

Reach your hands out to sea
I’ll take them willingly
If you would so benignly please
An unworthy host as me.

I could believe in hope elsewhere
To run a hand through other soft hair
But I am far too unaware
Of strength residing deep down there.

You meant too much
I felt too little
When I was with you
All along

Called out of border
To carry the fears away
Of the peoples’ dreams
Seaside homes, under a great
Dark
Cloud.

Unbeknownst to me, I left
With you behind, I hardly wept
You tried to hold me close
With eyes beseeching
Won’t you love me?
With me breathing,
Can’t I love her?

You tried, I failed
You believed that love would dwell in my heart for you
I had missed any intentions
Of a future
Bright
Between the spaces of our fingers
Holding on
To the other.

Dreams have soared through my nighttime mind
Your hands may still stretch out
And I could perhaps
Dream of a day where it would kick enough sense around
In this
****
Brain

That I should have loved you when I had the chance.

But for now across this sea
A life is lost
My only companion is this gray dog
He never leaves my side

I should have never left yours.

Savour every moment of this thin night air.
You’ll need some motive to fall back on once we clear our heads of the smoke in this room.
Bring peace to your maker, you’re not letting him down.

Chew your tongue till the blood spouts like a river set loose on the ghost town.
Keep still, this night is young and black as my desire, I only dream of the forest’s musk on my neck.
Let’s run, we’re animals and this darkened earth is our backyard.

Scratching my head,
all the time.
Thought I could honestly make it on my own,
with everything,
I feel like all my feelings are how they really are meant to feel like.

But.
There’s always You.
You won’t let me get away with this.
And I’m kinda happy about it,
as much as I wanna do my own thing.

Ive always been able to break free
but my strength
is slowly
receding.

What I wouldn’t give to reach that one place I dream of...

There’s a lot of fear in me.
There are anxieties and worries so great,
it feels like they’re running through my blood.
I cannot afford to live like this but I am so afraid of saying and DOING all that I’m feeling,
that I do quite the opposite--
mostly due to my fear of messing things up for others.
I’ve been putting myself last in almost every situation I can
for a long time now.

I hate the backseat, that’s no word of a lie, but I won’t sell out.

Just once though, I’d like for things to go smoothly,
without these struggles I have to suppress daily.
I think I’d be far less liked if I did and said what I felt all the time,
but is that such a bad thing? shouldn’t people like me anyways?

Neverending chains of dread and uneasiness.

I am becoming pulled apart and sewn together all at once.
Why am I feeling like my heart is now new?
It is a strange emotional thing in my chest.
I cannot put thoughts to words nearly as well as I dream I could.

I’m gonna make you proud of me..

I think you look much more alive in the daylight.
I like how real you become when the sun glints off your smiling face and emphasizes your striking eyes.
You are wonderful.


God is gently pushing me somewhere. I feel that now. I am so excited to arrive there.
He’s disiplining me like mad, though. I’ve been brought to great humility lately, it’s making me think before I speak. it’s like I can’t stop making an a-hole out of myself to save my life. I really hate it.
My mouth will speak a spring of life,
and perhaps my heart is filling with an abundance of something worthwile..

*"Tongue is a flame, let there be Grace.."

if I had gotten what I wanted
what would be the consequences?
Would they outweigh the joys?

My dreams tend to overtake me at inopportune times

So I pose the thought to myself
“Is this a blessing, or a curse?”

Bees, by the leaves, oh please receive my hand to the hive,
where you grow you golden sweet love of mine,
Just fill my hands with a love so divine
How do you buzz with no cares on your mind?
I wouldn't attempt to look for the signs,
for you and I are too poor to die
And we are all alive in the summer sky
where He still shines in all our lives
And I still cry when I think how you died, and how I'm still alive,
and for now I must try to survive, and I lie to my wife when I say I love her, but there's another inside,
I won't make it out alive,
when the truth is living but I'm trying to close the door,
but You keep pushing,
I cannot resist,
As I sit on the drive with my hand in the hive,
Licking honey from inside

"January 27, 2009

feel like
I gotta get some stuff outta my soul
there's a lot on my heart
but aye,
the trouble 'ere is
where to turn
when you can barely
put these thoughts into words?

I need a best friend."

Oh, old reliable soul.
who knew a year later I would still be fighting the same things?