Welcome to my conscience
Where I get lost,
Graffiti-like words swirling
turning grey, black, monochrome
Where everything turns negative
Where everything is dead,
field of wilted roses
dead daisies
one lone living sunflower
that I call hope
the colors of the rainbow
Red, for love, dulling yet strong
Orange, for happiness, flashing in, fading out
Yellow, for intelligence
Green, for purity and growth
Blue, for trust, the strongest, the brightest
Indigo, for addiction, the one I have to you
And violet. The only color that's almost invisible
The color of fulfillment.
Wrapping around in streaks of color
like watercolor on blinding white paper
This is my conscience
Filled with words unspoken, unwritten
Images of my own
Memories of you coming in flashes
Memories of me coming in short bursts
This is my conscience
this is my mind
Come back any time

sometimes
I think I'm doing better
sometimes
you leave my mind
sometimes
i think I shouldn't be around
sometimes
I go through old messages
sometimes
I miss you
sometimes
I sleep too much
sometimes
I dream too big
sometimes
I see why people leave
sometimes
I wish people didn't love me
and other times I don't think they do
but always will I wonder
why I'm here

We are held down
by chains of fear
we seem to think we should be picture perfect
but perfection is just an idea
it isn't real
we don't realize we are our own saviours
we could have the world in our hands
and we do
we have our own world
it is ours,
we are people
we are the only determining point of our lives
we control us
we're not all the same
but sometimes?
You have to break chains
punch your fear in the gut
walk on
whether you're alone or not

What if I told you
your eyes are the prettiest colour?
I could get lost in them
like a fox in a forest

You hold my heart in your hands
through all the things we've been
You could take it,
clench your hand,
and let the pieces drop away
or you could hold it.
Do what you wish,
it is yours.
I could stare into your eyes forever and a day
I could hold your hand until my wrist breaks
I could kiss you until the day we're dead
I could love you until the end of time
We'll never know
Maybe we're too young
Maybe your heart is elsewhere
Just know my heart you hold,
my gaze you keep,
my thoughts you occupy,
my dreams you wander.

There will always be a voice
that tells me that
I'm stupid for failing a test...
I'm dumb for worrying pointlessly...
That I'll never be loved...
and everyone hates me..
That I'm ugly and imperfect..
I'm worthless...
too ugly, too stupid, too shy...
too mentally unstable...
that I'm just making up social anxiety...
and the depression...
I hold on to little things
comments made years ago
things said in anger
Things that I've done
that I regret, everyone
bite my hand until it bleeds
wonder if I should go jump  in the water
I think I should be dead.
just another day of losing my head?
I'm a sister and a daughter
a friend and an enemy
but here I am,
wallowing in self-pity.
Pessimistic,
breathing but not too sure I'm living
just existing,
and wondering if I shouldn't.