I don’t know how to stomach those words.
They don’t fit anywhere in the cupboard
I made for the things people have told me to be.
It doesn’t feel okay.
But it feels okay.
And you say trying isn’t enough,
so as stubborn as I am, I will try harder.
Because even though my biggest pieces
are left in the past,
there is still enough of me here now.
I can write about other people besides her.
I can find new people to fill this hollow heart.
I will no longer apologize for the things I feel
and do not feel.
I will build something new
even though so much is still missing.

We meet and I tremble.
Life shifts and I fit
Perfectly aginst your chest.
You said beautiful things
like lets

And I have never heard things
like the things you said,
in your finger tips.

I trip
and I fall to hard
under sharp stars.
Become aware i'm to far under high bars.

So hate me freely
and while i'm broken
I am not needy
needing is for those who think
beyond brething

I feel to far beyond saving,
fingers tremble
life shifting
I'm shaking
praying to empty space
for day to brake

I am faking,
faigning,
saying to much.
Saying nothing not enough,
thinking, thinking thinging

For me to forget ,
for my own sake
that I loved our lust
the magic the star dust.

the smell of musk and
brown eyes
drowned in rememberance
of soft sigh
the lies laced in
each kiss
and unspoken promises

I'm haunted
by falling stars
by falling stars
put out by an ocean of fears

taste of dissapointent
the falling of tears .

I feel like drowning and counting
on stars to drop
wishing on things
that will let me down
like hope
like hoping to drown.

letting my sarrow hold me
in tight grip
untill tomorrow.
the sun is the only star
I should have clung too,
you were the only one
you are every one
I have ever come undone too.

it goes like this:

my toes curl over the edge
the stone ledge is warm beneath my feet.
i tense
and leap
and for a fragile second i am hanging, twisting
above the dancing water.
i swear,
i can fly.
the sunlight reflecting off its surface
stains my retinas
as my body plummets.
the ocean reaches up
and swallows me whole
with a splash of chilly water.
i open my eyes
to see millions of tiny
light-filled bubbles
float to the surface,
leaving me alone
in the dark.
i sink slowly,
as though drifting off to sleep
and am only conscious enough
to register the cloud
of sediment
that surrounds me
as my body reaches
the bottom.

and then there is you:

you watch from the shore
smiling
as i leap.
after all,
this only recreational, right?
i have every intention
of resurfacing
a moment after the plunge
of course.
but you
you see that i have
not risen
and you must think
you must
"her lungs,
they must be starved
of air".
and rather than rush to my aid
for i am clearly drowning
you sit back on the shore
and prepare
to yell
and scream
and cause a scene
but not for help
no
you will scream at me
because you
feel betrayed
that i could so easily leave you.

don't you know i wish i wasn't drowning?
don't you know that i could have been saved?

I may not often have the time
To express my gratitude
for all you do for me
Day dissolves into night
leaving words unsaid
while loving hands continue
to knead each loaf of bread
So please forgive me of any wrong
robbing you of thy song
With  the help of God I'll strive to be
A better mother to Marian
and sweeter wife to thee.

**~Hilda~

You told me I was selfish once and I told you you were right

So say it again, say it like you mean it
Say it like I'm just the product of another long argument

So what you say so what I didn’t ask to be your end
I didn’t ask to be the bottom of the pill bottle
I didn’t ask for
                    Your body lying here at my feet

And you're right you didn’t
You didn’t ask for anything
But if you had you would’ve asked for something
Uncomplicated
Easy

Tell me its over
Tell me you’ll listen this time
Tell me you’ll crack my ribs open
And leave me to dry

Tell me you love me so you’ll be rid of me for good
Tell me you want me and
Tell me its real
So I cant leave an ugly taste in your mouth anymore

You tell me to think things over
You tell me you don’t have time
You tell me I ask so much
For someone who says they have nothing to give

Alright you say ill do this, ill do this for you
But no blood
And no broken bones
I promise it will hurt

Ill love you until I die
Ill love you until you crack my spine
Ill love you until you're through with me
Until you believe it

Ill love you until you realize
I'm just trash and
I'm just flammable and
I'm just burning

And you were built to fight people
Not fires

The Dry Boy and the Lying Boy
Tell me about the dry boy
The boy with no color
Whose voice doesn't sound brown at all

Tell me about his dreams
Tell me, does he dream?
You ask him and he says No

That's a lie
The boy says nothing
Does nothing
The boy is not there

Tell me about the boy whose bones were not on fire
They sparked but were not on fire
Tell me about his dreams

Does he dream?
You ask and he says No
And that’s a lie
That’s his lie

Tell me about the boy who says lies
Tell me about the time
Words poured from his mouth like water
No, *****

You ask them if the dry boy is alive
They say No
That’s a lie
There is no dry boy

You ask them if the lying boy is alive
They say Yes
But he probably won’t be for long
You don’t know if that’s a lie

Tell me about the time his voice
Curled around you like smoke
In brown and red and gold
Tell me if it burned your eyes

It didn’t, it was beautiful
You tell him that, you say you’re beautiful
And he laughs and you think that’s a lie, too

Tell me about the time the dry boy made you small
How he knelt down and held your
Tiny baby hands

Tell me about how you did things too big for you
To make him reverse it
It didn’t work

Tell me about the lying boy
He doesn’t lie all the time
And not really to you

You ask him who he lies to
And he says myself
And you trust him, you do
Because his bones are not on fire and neither is his mouth

You want to paint the boy
With the voice like smoke
You want to paint a new face over his

No, you want to paint the face under his
No, you want to carve the face under his
No, you want to crack him open with a chisel
And look at what’s inside

You throw a match on the dry boy
And watch his mouth catch fire
And watch his bones catch fire

You lie with him and he burns you
You douse him with gasoline and he burns you again
The dry boy takes you home with him and ruins you
You leave him burning and visit the lying boy

You drop a match on the lying boy by accident
He doesn’t catch
You watch him toss it away

You lie with him and he laughs at you
No, with you
You lie with him and he kisses you
That’s all

You lie between the lying boy and the dry boy
And the dry boy lies and the lying boy doesn’t
The lying boy takes you home and tells you a truth
And then he leaves, that’s all

The lying boy is there the next day
You visit with him and he takes you home
He leaves you there until the next day

The lying boy shows you himself
Instead of ruining you
The dry boy lies to you
The lying boy takes you home

This city makes me miss you.
And I would pretend to be surprised,
but the ceilings in cities are always too high
and my thoughts tend to wander.
(For the record, I am less than impressed
that they found their way back to you.)
Last night, I swear you were waiting for me to fall asleep
to climb into the rafters, and sneak into my dreams.
I woke up feeling haunted and exhausted.

Now you've been following me all day,
and I'm tired of looking over my shoulder.
Kissing him makes me remember the taste of your bitter coffee breath.
His kind eyes contrast the complex hurt yours used to reflect.
His simple, level-headed ways make me recall all
of the circles our troubled words used to spin,
the endless loops we were always trapped within.

My ears keep echoing with the way
you used to chatter nervously in your sleep.
And I can almost still smell your apartment
with the candles struggling to mask damp laundry,
unwashed dishes, the smell of sweat and stale ****.
The heaviness collecting inside of my chest resembles
the weight of your body wrapped around my lap
the last time we spoke and the way my fingers
still found their way to your back.
I wonder if you understood the things my fingertips traced
while our words started cornering us into our familiar place.

                                                      We were circling the drain anyway,
I was just another silly girl who thought she could save someone.

                                 I'm really sorry
                                You should be
I miss you
Good.
                                                         ­                  
                                              ­                                    You always saw through my *******,
                                                       ­                             it scared the hell out of me.
                    
I would have loved you exactly the way you are-unconditionally  
                                           ­                      You were always enough.

                                                       ­                                                                 ­   I love being miserable.
                                                    ­                                            Well, you should probably get used to it.

                                                        
                                                      We were circling the drain anyway...

Our conversations are the world's worst song on repeat
but I felt such smug closure after that night
things finally felt finished or at least mostly complete.
So why now did you feel the need to start the haunting again?
Call off your ******* ghost, B.
I am tired. Its over this time.
This needs to finally end.