Will I ever
See you again?
I whispered in my dream
After death,
And another life
But not until then,
You sighed

Well,
There we go Dillan,
Another year passed us by and we were not together, I have not heard from you since April, and so soon
It will be a year since I’ve spoke to you
Do you still read these?
I doubt it, I sense how you have thought to cleanse yourself of whatever it was we did
But,
**** me if I don’t still think about you

I think about how I will wake up in the middle of the night and he won’t be there, he will be miles away. Drives away. I miss him before he is even gone, because I know what space he will make where he was. If I close my eyes and let every single day pass by through my mind, I’d not change a single one. I wish he’d stay. I wish he’d ask me to go. That’s not what happened though. He doesn’t love me. He doesn’t want me. He doesn’t crave me. Though it seems cruel, I have to say these things to myself. It douses the fire he sets inside my soul.
I thought he just belonged. I thought he was a permanent fixture, something that had to stay.

I loved him
And he didn’t love me
The sun still rose
And it still set
I’m trying to figure out
How to go on
The way the sun does
Without him

I don’t think I’ve ever been this sad about someone leaving before. I try not to think of it. I really do. This morning I was laying on the couch, face pressed against the cushion. I was staring at your TV and all of your things, I just thought about the first day you will be gone. Part of me just wants you to go, because “out of sight, out of mind”, the other part desperately wants you to stay, I keep telling myself it is all wrong. But that is just what I want to hear.
I think about how on that day, this place will be empty, save a few of my things. I will be here and you will be there. Separate. How we will be going from hanging out every day, to hardly seeing each other at all from the way you’ve made things sound, and from how I know people to usually be. I think about how other girls will be laying on your pillows breathing you in, and laughing at your jokes. I think about them sharing moments with you, and learning about your life intimately. I’m sick, and I don’t want to think about it, but I force myself as some sort of numbing agent, if I see it enough in my head, won’t I be numb when it happens? I think about not waking up with you in the morning, or deciding on dinner together, or sitting and playing games until one of us is too tired. I’ve felt like you are the only person in this world I can count on.
I think it’s all just too painful, and I just need to cry when I need to cry. I spent a year of my life with you, and I couldn’t help but fall in love with. Who couldn’t? When my heart hurts like this, I just hold my breath until it’s mostly over.
I am going to miss you so much, I’ve said it a thousand times. It really feels like things will be so empty now, not that I can’t live my life on my own, but it was just different with you.

Have you ever been in love?
It eats you
It consumes your body
Toes to head
Wildfire takes over
And it burns you up
How did you exist without
That’s what you will ask yourself
Have you ever been in love?

I will never talk to you again
Is all I wrote
And I didn’t
I never talked to him again
He got old
I got old
And we died without
Even saying goodbye