Sometimes
I think about the brief moment in time and space
where I experienced real love
With someone who loved me back
Someone who wanted to be with me
And sacrificed it all

I wonder if we can be together when we’re old

And then I move along with the regularly scheduled programming
Just another day
Another moment

My new doctor asks me, I see you have a history of depression, are you currently depressed or on medications?
I don’t struggle with depression
And as the lie escapes my mouth, I’m confused on why I would say that
I say I was sad for a year when I lost my job
But this is also a lie
I don’t know why I don’t tell her about the sadness that has been looming since 14
Or how hard it is to stand up sometimes, that it feels like my bones are stones made of the earth dragging me back where they belong
I don’t tell her that it’s harder for me than it is everyone else to stay consistent and on top of things
And maybe the answer is because for the last few months-
I have been good
Why speak anything else into existence
It felt like as long as ignored the fact that I couldn’t help slipping under every few months
That things would be okay
That I was a woman living her life without depression
But I know this isn’t true
An ache twinges inside me

I wake up now and I forget
But sometimes, in the early hours
I wake up and I can’t understand how you are miles away laying next to her
I roll over and stare at the ceiling
The whir of the fan in the background
The popcorn of the ceiling being kissed by the dimmed lamp from the 90s that has a turn dial on it
I sigh and I think to myself
“Why do I have these miserable thoughts and he gets to be so happy”
And then I think
Maybe this is why I have these miserable thoughts
I cared far too much
And he never cared enough
It’s been a year now-
So it’s easier
The mornings and hours I spend on them now
Are few and far between

I keep your shirt on the back of the couch
It smells like your house
You’d think I’d have kissed you before
I don’t even know what you taste like
But I wish I did

I wish so badly,
To not know small things about you,
Give me something that makes me dislike you

I met a boy who smelled like sunshine
He liked to make things with his hands like me
I asked him what is his last name
And by the end of the conversation
It wasn’t until two days later
I realized
He never asked once for mine
He didn’t ask anything about me at all
But now I couldn’t stop thinking
About him

Hey dear
I just came here to say
I still love you
And I don’t know if it’s ever gonna get better
But I’m so glad
You are happy without me