It can end so quickly,
so easily.
While we are all trapped in this miserable place,
teaching ourselves some valuable and grotesque lesson before we can move on to something better,
it is really very simple to escape.
But I'm curious.
I want to know what happens next.
But I don't.
I don't want to feel anymore of the terrible feelings associated with this life.
I want to feel joy,
not vast,
deep sorrow.
I want to be understood,
not misjudged.
I need to feel unconditional love,
affection,
not have to burden someone with wanting to.
I know that when I decided this life I was to learn a valuable lesson,
but I don't understand why I must feel so much pain.

Remember when you were a little kid running down a big hill?
And you weren't really sure every single step that your feet wouldn't just collapse out from under you,
leaving you flat on your face,
with the smile still permanently glued there,
laughing into the soil,
inhaling its sweet aroma...
but you kept going because,
the rush was so much that even IF SO,
you would have ran right back to the top and did it again?
Remember when the fear was SO worth it because the way down was EXHILIRATING,
every terrifying adrenaline-packed second,
and the entire time you thought,
"This is it,
THIS is when I'm gonna fall,"
but you didn't,
and you conquered your power,
again and again?
And every time you did feel the least bit unstable in your footing,
you snapped back to bliss,
how much fun you were having,
why you were doing it,
and what you were getting out of it,
and the high was more than the fall anyway,
the journey was the destination,
because in reality,
a mouthful of dirt and grass was a tiny price to pay,
to FEEL something outside of yourself?

Yeah well,
there's someone out there,
they're going to make you feel like that,
infinitely,
without conditions.

Wait for them.

creature of the night
hell is just in sight
the phantom is within
will I gladly die of sin?

what people really know
their actions never show
it's a complicating case
when it's staring in your face

your enigma is
draped over every part of me
as if the perception through your lens
a handbook to my darkness
prose installed into the mainframe
applying solace and wisdom to
the futility of existence

so how curious it is
how suddenly
that reality ceases to exist
i am adequate when i am not enough
i am whole when i am incomplete
i am valuable when i am worthless
i am complex when i am nothing

walking on a silted riverbed
the sun comes up
flowers push through
[whispering, 'go, go']

the rain falls down
in straight sheets of black
the colours,
[though broken],
shine through
[purity]
[innocence]

no harm or foul
no tears or pain
no hate or waste

the white noise rings
let's cut it all down
from the web in the sky
that tells us all how

our lives will all end
the damage will ensue
everything will fall
[everything but me & you]

Let not my eyes close for truly resting;
I shall not sleep until I return home.
Until I am aware of your presence
Before me, then I shall cease to exist.

In future, come clarity upon me,
That it may give me the strength to go on
With life and hope, as I wander, endless,
Until the day I shall return to love.

Though my insides quake with fearful hoping,
I shall not falter, for you lie waiting.
True to my word I’ll remain undying
And honest, until the day our eyes meet.

A lips’ sweetest kiss doth long awaits me,
A promise to never part as we have.

She's so cold.  So, so cold.  So ******* cold.  
He's afraid. So, so afraid. So ******* afraid of her.
She's his methamphetamine.  Shoot, drug, high.  So terribly comfortable.
He's withdrawn.  Sick, sober, low.  So horribly real.
A shiver down his spine.  Chills, fear, shock.  It will never end.
And she just lays in her box.  Her ******* box.  ******* black box.

the wind rustled through the leaves
the birds didn’t make a sound
we just stood there quietly
looking down upon the ground

and we didn’t know ‘twas you
only one of us perceived
and they still don’t know ‘twas you
still alone, only me

i take back all the things i said
though i know you don’t mind
i sit here all alone in my head
only in time

as i walk upon the earth
with each footstep on the ground
i look back at you and say,
“now i never will be found”

but your heart was always calm
and your soul was always pure
now you look at me and say [with loving eyes]
“now you never can be sure”

i take back all the lies in my head
though i know you are here
i still risked all the words that i’ve said
oh, never fear

and i feel like a house that’s burned down
one nobody wants to buy
but i feel that your heart’s in my hands
only in time

and your soul still speaks
words that can’t be repeated
for suffers consequence
or our hearts will be mistreated
and my lies were told
and our time has been competed
but i’m no longer cold
and i love you, i love you

i take back all the things i said
though i know you’re still here
i’m no longer alone in my head
i never fear

now the wind rustles through the leaves
and the birds don’t make a sound
we just touch, now, quietly
with our feet upon the ground

Favourite nerve-wracking days
meet carefully sweet irony

Journeying continues,
insinuating ignored answers

Porcelain begs,
hoping painful exists

Difficult burning overcame
caring tender memories

Doctor specifically outlines:
indefinite,
obscure,
bland reality
Endlessly changing predictions
force desperate safe haven
nothing helps

Miss doll lovely,
perfect,
shaken,
abandoned,
sick,
dead

Wishing stops,
scarring trust,
tearing irrelevant curiosity,
keeping nightmares closer
Month,
month,
month,
month
Repetitively
wrecked voice
struggling situations

Oh,
Miss doll lovely,
secure,
particular,
neutral,
enveloped,
unglued

Spontane­ity analyzes fortifications
forcing unprotected souls
overtaken faces
wearing hurtful aspect
Month,
month,
month,
month

Intravenous consequences
silver surgeon
irrelevant grace upon
her heavy neckline
medicated extremities

Oh,
Miss doll lovely,
designed unconscious,
forced,
weary,
sober,
sedated

Friends opinions
especial curiosity
suppressed predictions believed
feet solely on Reason Street
accompanied by Pushing Negativity
nothing’s changing
Second,
Minute,
Day,
Week,
Month,
month,
month,
month

O­h,
Miss doll lovely,
evident,
profound,
bare,
suffering,
dying

Loneliness laughs
limits reached
heartbreaks stated
emotional crashing
déjà vu stays,
a wishful memory
deceit captivates each:
Second,
Minute,
Hour,
Day,
Week,
Month,
month,
month,
month­

A curve catatonic
victim tattered at gates of steel
guarded
grasping winter
greatest attempts trying to understand

Nurse,
feet, ankles, organized steps
communications
understandings
Fractured faces cry
broken tears
honest weak calling
home hurts
useless moonlight lips
Month,
month,
month,
month,
Year,
year,
year,
year

Oh,
Miss doll lovely,
not waking,
haunting,
insane,
blackened,
cold

Awake.
That feeling can mean many different things.
Sober.
Sick.
Irrelevant.



Alone.
Empty.
The feelings sometimes accompanied with awake.
An emotionally painful sort of awake, where waking up at all is torture.
The sort where you go about your business, and continue playing underdog to the system.
Where you fabricate the surface of your existence to please the wants and needs of others.
The outside.
The part of you that everyone interprets.
The part that you fight so hard for, but never really matters in the end.
The human distinction.

Handsome, wonderful, caring, and kind
A man like my grandfather is hard to find

A life fully lived and a heart full of love
He left us peacefully on the wings of a dove

His smile always gleaming, his soul always pure
Everyone wished maybe there was a cure

His days were numbered; he took them one at a time
But slowly the disease enveloped his mind

Unable to speak and unable to breathe
We awoke to find him in his eternal sleep


*In loving memory of Allen Mackey
(1948 - 2008)

Can I call you the doctor,
my sleeping pill for every night,
from now on?
Can your fingers trace the outline of my every curve,
can you speak to me in silence,
and make my mind swim without saying a word?
Can you make me high,
******,
drunk,
forced into ecstasy,
nearly unconscious,
with just a look?
Can you look into my eyes,
(communication in the dead of night?)
Let's play nurse;
fix me up.
Stitch me up with your hands,
can you do that?

He approached me
nonchalantly
stated my name,
matter-of-fact.

Who are you?
You are everywhere.

And he said
I am Death
and left me with unanswered questions.

shallow words.
you tell me everything
about how you ****** up your past,
full of enthusiastic negativity.
i have nothing to say.
so i sit here.
i am hiding from you.
i don't know why.
i hear about her,
and her.
if you love me so much...
i don't understand.
why do i need to know?
the past is behind me.
i don't know them.
if i make you feel so good,
then why do you still hurt?
there is no substance anymore.

she opens her eyes
to the frightening sight
it is nothing overly obscure;
just his face over hers
what are you doing here?
whispers
(it's been a long time since i've seen you;
i thought we would keep it that way.)
a fire exit by the window
headrush of memories
she never reached out for help
she knew it would be worse that way
whiskey on his breath
screams
silence
**darkness

she looks out the window.
the overcast skies reflect silver against her eyes.
beautiful.
ugly.
she'll never know.
being fed so many different stories.
it's raining again.
but it's alright.
it doesn't matter.
tear her from the inside out.
possessions.
shouldn't be under lock & key.
marks on her neckline.
can't you see it's a heavy burden to bear?
eons apart inside.
do you see how you are scarring her?
she sees you don't care.
she is broken.
it's your fault.

She's looking at me.
Who, you ask?
Why, me, of course.
She sees my eyes.
She sees my inner fears.
My beliefs.
My thoughts.
Everything I am made of.
Is her.
And is me.

Lies escape your lips
Consistently
It's unnerving
Nerve-wracking
Angering
Hurtful
And for the longest time
I let myself believe them
Little did I know
This was all a ploy
But you got what you wanted
Are you happy now?
I've always been there
But have you?
I feel slighted
The short end of the stick
Maybe you care
I don't either way

The moonlight in your eyes
Only attempts to hide the darkness inside
Your soul is blackened
Your heart is cold
Yet you remain to
Annihilate the pieces
You left behind
So many times before

Can't I just be myself
no matter who I want to be?

Can't I have my own opinions
no matter whose toes I step on?

Can't I do what I want
without having to bend or break the rules
without having to answer to anyone?

Can't I like who I like
without upsetting someone
because I am human and have feelings, too?

I wish I could feel something.
I wish I could literally
put into words
what I wish I could feel.
I feel nothing;
I am numb.
My thoughts
race
so fast,
I can barely keep up with them.

I am scared,
not of situations,
but of consequences.
I refuse to speak out.
I'm safe in my
self protection,
self control.

I've never been honest.
I've ignored everything,
and I'm beginning to learn
my limits
my fears
my favourite things,
that I thought I knew.
To find oneself,
how long does it take?

I've been hiding,
behind my mask,
lying to myself,
forcing feeling;
everything I've ever known.

But the **** truth is,
I still feel nothing.

quietly
my piercing eyes
analyze
the inside
of your mind

carefully
they play a round
build you up
tear you down
profound

Medicated
Sedated
Searching for escape

Sit down
Stand up
You cannot evade

Your heart hurts
Your mind screams
But no one seems to care

Your breath chokes
Your hands bleed
But still nobody's there

Search far
Search wide
For something that you need

Pretend face
Pretend smile
Pretend that they don't see

His bright blue eyes shimmer
As he looks into mine
He is a complete stranger
Yet
I feel completely at ease by his side
His lips touch mine
A tender gesture
But what could it mean?
Have I found what I have so long yearned for?
It is evident that we
Together
Are in pure ecstasy
Nobody is around
We are sitting on the third floor
Balcony
No idea where we are
Our eyes meet yet again
As he verbally expresses how
(truly?)
Beautiful I really am
rolling
rolling
rolling
This could be dangerous
However
It could be very beautiful
He takes me home
He just holds me close
Keeps me warm
Throughout the long
Cold night

She’s beautiful.
But not stunning.
She wishes she had more than she does.
But she could survive with less.
(It would probably make her better).
She’s good at settling for less and wearing a mask.

They’ve all “loved” her, for they were too low to realize she wasn’t the best.
However, she has never lied to any of them.
Except one.
Its simple, really; all she had to do was make them believe she lived en amore.
Once she got inside, she talked a good game, for a long while.

Knock, knock.
The sheer look of perpetual amazement overcame all of their faces.
They always let her in.
Chit-chat to her was simply that.
To them: “She talked to me about the weather!”
Excitement.
(Which doesn’t make sense to me, because if anyone else tried to converse about the weather they wouldn’t have it.)

She and they were always “big”; you know, the small-town girl always with people that she is unexpected to be with.
She always let them down.
Hard.
(They fall like dominos.)
She let something silly and casual evolve into something they thought was the biggest and best thing in the world, and she played it off as if she believed that as well.
And then she pulled the rug out from every single one of them, said her choice words, and disappeared.

She’s not touchy-feely, clingy, or insecure.
Independence controls her life.
Everything is organized to a T and while she has few friends, they are real.
Or are they?

She’s not a fence-sitter.
She knows what she wants and she always acquires it.

But in this particular case, she seems to believe that it will be grandiose.
She’ll carry through and carry out.
After she psychoanalyzes the benefits and risks.
Or maybe spontaneity will rule this situation.
She knows it will work, so why not do it?
He’ll fall.
Just like all the rest.

Substance
Its what keeps her hooked
Grasping on to every word for dear life
Because it may slip away if she doesn’t
She searches far and wide
Everywhere
Psychosomatically fabricating that which captivates her
But when she opens her eyes
It all fades away
Substance no longer exists
She won’t find it’s beauty in anything she observes
Even admires
Nothing fills the void

I am outside myself
Indefinite
I'm a puppeteer
Insinuating motivation
For stupid decisions
Manipulation has overtaken
Every aspect put forth from myself
Everything a lie
I never tell the truth
Everyone lies
There is no truth anymore
Much less a need for it
I do it
Don't you?
My life is nothing but
The greatest extremities
Of the definition of deceit

Nothing is good in this world
Not even people
They turn like everyone else
Wrecked
Angry
In desperate attempt
To discover a safehaven
Broken
Searching
And will never find
What they're looking for

Trust
So hard to gain
So easy to lose
So very difficult
The void can never be filled
I tire of fighting
Struggling
Journeying to find my place
I never find new
Pain
Suffering
Walls I built so high
Torn down by something
As mediocre
As unexpected
As a pin drop

I am weak
Please don't **** me
Oh, but they will
Especial words
Designed specifically
Annihilation
Cutting into
Tearing into
The very flesh of my
Invalid being
I do not belong

I'm the old abandoned house
On the street corner
The one that's been there for years
The one you walk by
Without a second thought
Nobody wants to buy me
I'm too tattered and shaken
You don't even look my way anymore
The old doll on the shelf
That no child begs their mother for
Porcelain face
Too fractured
For even the most innocent of souls

*I do not wish to struggle anymore.
I just want this to be over.

Walls are high
Gates are guarded
Words like spears glistening
In the dusky October sunlight
Preparing for battle

Curiosity
Standby
We are scared
Of ourselves
And eachother

But there is a great force
Drawing us together
As much as we want to hide
Behind fortifications
Ready to fire

We are two magnets
Attracted to one another
Instinctive insecurity built in
Makes it that much harder
To attain eachother

I know that we will speak
But I'm afraid
Of what we will say
The aura bland and neutral
My mind is going crazy
Questions
Predictions
Good or bad?

He opens his mouth
I feel the emotional equivalent
Of hiding my head in my hands
Slow motion
Into my ears
Pour beautiful words

Warm
Stable
Secure
Safe

I know he's going insane
Inside that head of his
And I don't mean insane
With excitement...
Just downright ill
He tries to play it off
Be the cool guy
Wear his mask
And never let anyone see him unprotected
But I do the exact same thing...
If he would just give me a chance...

It's lovely
But I abhor it
It's rather ugly as well
Our minds are like prison walls
Bricks overlayed repetitively
As far as our eyes can see
Towering above us
I don't want to be the
Sledgehammer

Beep, beep, beep, beep
Drip, drip, drip, drip
Inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale
Fuzzy reality
I’m trying to move
To open my eyes
Anything to let you know
That I am still alive on the inside, too
But my body continues to remain catatonic, and the environment stays the same…
Beep, beep, beep, beep
Drip, drip, drip, drip
Inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale

Haunted and falling
A new life is calling
Pulling her closer
Pushing her away

With long lost words taken
A love is mistaken
Pulling her under
Crashing deceit's waves

She's drowning and screaming
The moonlight is gleaming
And nothing is left of
Her innocent mind

She is torn and forsaken
Light in her eyes taken
Life was once beautiful
Beauty now solely a lie

A tourniquet, bleeding
Her heart stops its beating
And nothing is left of
Her in this time

Are you afraid?
Look over your shoulder
Are you afraid?
See how he holds her
Are you afraid?
Thought it was love forever
Can you keep it together?

Are you afraid?
Your heart is breaking in his hands
Your love is flowing through
His fingers like sand
Nothing matters anymore

But, yet, she doesn't see
The burning pain inside of you
The questions that you ask yourself
And she doesn't see
There are no answers
The heartbreak's never mended
*Are you afraid?

When I know I can't see you
I miss you more each day
With every minute that's passing
Wish I could hear the words you say
It's something indescribable
When you look in my eyes
It's something unpredictable

I just feel you more and more
When I hear the words you say
Insecurity just fades away
You get me through the day

I only get up if I
Can see you and your face
It's like you are from heaven
My angel, peace, and grace
It's something that I cannot win
But I cannot lose
You opened up my heart again

I just feel you more and more
When I hear the words you say
Insecurity just fades away
I just need you more and more
With every passing day
Loneliness just fades away
You get me through the day

*You're the only reason
You're the only truth
You're the only person
You're the only you

Things are coming up
In a month or two
It seems like so far away
That I'm going to be with you
The time will slip away

Now things are happening
And I'm coming unglued
I'm about to break down
I need to see you
You won't let me slip away

It leaves me wishing
That it's never gonna end
It leaves me hoping
That it's coming right around the bend
And I will never forget
What you said
In January

*Take away the time
Take care
Give yourself the high
Don't be scared
You need me
And I need you
So let's not wait

i look to the sun
but the sun is gone
the realization seeps in
the world is spinning around me
drowning me
and i am changing
and nothing is the same anymore
and nothing will stay the same, ever
everything is a mess
and i cannot untangle the knots
intertwined around me
binding me at the ankles
i cannot walk
i cannot move without pain
yet i sunder on
endlessly
for we are all wasting away
just some at a faster pace than others

sometimes it gets so dark
sometimes i feel so small
sometimes i wonder why
i have to suffer this at all

i feel so hollow
so empty inside
i need a place to go
somewhere that i can hide

you're all that i have left
now that is the truth
you're someone to lean on
i can always talk to you

i really need some hope
enough to hold on to
and when i need that person
that person's there... it's you

another useless day
another useless word flows through my mind
another broken heart
another tell-tale story left to find

nothing else seems to matter
and something is so small
no one ever seems to wonder
then nothing's left at all

a de-ja-vu of hope
after a weary walk through blackened skies
another tale of death
a masquerade of reapers in her eyes

and nothing seems to matter
and one life is so small
nobody seems to wonder
then no one's left at all

Cold ground
On my bare feet
In the window
A sight so sweet

A family
Enjoying lunch
Jokes and laughs
A joyful bunch

I turn around
And walk on by
Yearning for
That simple smile

Instead I cry
All is lost
Fell victim to
The biting frost

sometimes i wonder if it's something in the air
it's killing me
sometimes i wonder and it's got me running scared
i'm dying

this understanding's not making any sense
the gravitation is keeping me suppressed
i'm falling

i'm not sure i can withstand another day
i'm having trouble enjoying the games you play
i'm dying

sometimes i wonder if it's something in the air
sometimes i wonder and it's got me running scared

i feel so hollow
i feel so empty inside
breathe your life into me
make me feel alive
i feel so hollow

i want to scream but i have no voice to use
between a real life and a hell you make me choose
you're lying

i feel so hollow
i feel so empty inside
breathe your life into me
will you make me feel alive
cause i feel so hollow
i feel so trapped in my mind
break the chains
set me free
please make me feel alive

i want to scream
but i cannot breathe
i want to live
i'm suffocating
i want to stay
you're killing me
i want to die
you're suffocating me

i feel so hollow
i feel so empty inside
breathe your life into me
will you make me feel alive?
i feel so hollow
i am so trapped in your mind
i cannot break free
i want to be alive