Wanted Ad Poem
1/31/2014

I've decided enough is enough.
I'm putting out an advertisement on every dating website,
It will read at the top:
Wanted

Man or Woman,
scratch that binary.
Regardless of gender or sexuality,
Seeking a person who can communicate.
Someone who chooses words wisely
and even better knows how to use them,
not to wound you, but to woo you.

Physical features need not apply
all stripes, squares, and bulges of variety are acceptable,
as long as they limit their smoking to while drinking,
I can't stand a cigarette smell on furniture in the house.
That was a simple request.

Maybe I should ask for something in greater detail.
Must appreciate new experiences,
whether of the culinary variety
or involving outdoorsy adventures.
Don't worry about being good at it,
I only know how to pitch one kind of tent after all.
Although I admit I am savvy with a spatula in the kitchen.

TV isn't a big deal, neither are books or music.
Those things tend to blend when you meet someone anyways.
But the really important one is to enjoy cuddling.
When I say cuddling I mean the Olympic sport!

Apply the golden standard,
have at least 2 of the 5:
car, apartment, job, schooling, beautiful smile.
A laugh that makes me smile is worth bonus points.
... whatever you're supposed to do with those - I have no clue.

Voila - It seems like I need to meet myself
and fall in love with what I see.
Because lately when I look in the mirror,
there's a stranger staring back at me.
Someone who I don't know or ask how he's doing.
Lately I don't even take the time to say hello.

I think this guy has a lot of potential,
but I'm scared to really let him into my life,
you see I heard he is insecure at times
and might not like me back in that kinda way.

I need to figure out a way to make him
fall deeply, madly, in love with me.

I should pamper him,
take him out to dinner just the two of us.
We don't need others' company after all.

I should take a walk with him outside
for no real reason at all..
We could even go somewhere in public,
maybe to a club or store at the mall,

I should just show him these things so he can understand
that he doesn't need others' company at all.
He is fine with just me in his life,
the best part is he'd have nobody else to please.
Nobody else to cast on him their needs.
Nobody else to keep him from being free.

It seems like all this stranger needs
is everything in my wanted ad.
It seems like all I need is me,
if I could just learn to appreciate my own company.

When I was 5,
I laid bed
and awoke screaming in fear.
You held  me until I was calm
looking at me with your brilliantly green eyes;
you smiled
and told me,
"You'll be okay."

I believed you.

When I was 9,
I laid in the dentist chair.
The silly man said
I had a cavity.
So you walked up to me,
and put my tiny hand inside yours
and you said,
"You'll be okay."

I believed you.

And when I was 15,
I laid in bed and cried
because I was bullied on the first day of highschool.
You walked in holding a box of tissues,
and you sang to me with your beautiful voice,
until I felt okay.

For a second I believed you,
thinking everything would be okay.

At age 17,
someone broke into our house.
As we hid in the closet
I laid frozen in fear.
The only thing keeping me calm
was the smell of your perfume.
As the smell started to fade,
you whispered,
"You'll be okay."

I believed you.

Now, I'm 23,
and you're the one laying down,
but this time,
you're in an old white hospital room
eating stale bread and mashed potatos.
As you ate I watched you
and noticed;
the way the smell of mildew over powers your perfume,
the way your sparkling green eyes sunk into your skull,
the way your fragile hands held my own.

Finally you glanced up at me,
smiling,
you said,
"I'll be okay -
believe me."
you'll be okay // a.s.

Some go out in a blaze of glory, some with a crazy, sad story.
I am not sure which I have chosen but it may get very gory.
I don’t care any longer about the skies I see
Or the dreams I’ve had that cease to be.
I am tired, sore and I hurt in mind and in the fairy soul
I know at this late stage I never will be whole.
I do not want to urge it on but simply to not worry
I want those who give a **** to know there was no hurry.
Music sounds dull, words are boring, what’s left to say
all that’s left is for a fool like me to pick a day.
No more pills, no checking, no pecking no heeding
no worrying, no trying and paining when you stop succeeding.
There are no magic cures for us, just pretenders selling dreams
and the rest get rich selling us on their schemes.
I will go when I go, doing just what I choose to do
Then the task of being someone special will suddenly be through.


Copyright/1/2014

He pushed me back,
And everything just went black.

I can feel him going in,
It feels like I'm being stabbed with a pen.

I now lay in prone,
Because now i feel like a stone.

I cant find my phone,
Now I wish I had known.

I think it was ****,
And now I must escape...

Bring it on
I'll take it.
Live through it
all.
I've come this far.
This is all
I
got to
go
back to
now.

I lived through
the seclusion,
the torture.

I'll be the one that
they lost while
you be the one
who has won.

In order to perfect
you must fail.
I'll be the failure.
Not everyone is meant
for success.
You succeed
I'll regress.

You be the one
to give them
'grandchildren
and a perfect
story to
tell their friends.

I"ll be the secret
that's avoided.
The tragic story
about the one they
lost.
The story
no one 's
brave enough
to tell.

You go ahead and
hate me.
Let me be the let down
in your life.

I'll still Love you.
Look up to you
from a distance.

It's meant to
be this way.
I got all that
I've been through
coming.

Funny thing
is I'd probably make
it in your shoes
but you
could never
make it
in mine.

I deserve all
of this and
I need to keep
it this way.

So go ,
be all that
I never could.
I wouldn't have
it any other
way.

You took my innocence
You took my sense of safety
You took my ability to trust
You changed my feelings on intimacy

But you gave me much more
You gave me awareness
You gave me caution
You gave me a blazing fire

A fire that burns inside
A fire to fight with
You had absolutely no idea
How much stronger I would be

You took my sense of safety
My ability to trust
But you gave me even more
A am forever a fighter