What's worse?
Falling for someone you can never have,
or falling for someone who you could have had?

the rush came back.
it was the best ive felt in 3 years.
better than anything you could give me.

a promise was broken.
many promises were broken.
im broken.

but the rush was better than what i felt
the night we hooked up.
so much better.

youre scared.
you know what im capable of.
and that scares you.

you dont understand the rush.
the feeling of being human
after youve felt nothing for so long.

im sure the shadows watched.
they always do.

you wont find out.
im not going to tell you.
and things have changed, so you
wont see.
it all worked out in my best interest.

i will talk to you tomorrow
like nothing happened last night.
and you will be oblivious.
im **** good at wearing a mask,
and you just found that out.

you wont be able to tell what im
hiding behind that mask.
you havent encountered it enough.

youre more scared of losing me
than im scared of losing myself.

Do you remember that night?
Not that night,
but the night where everything was
simple,
peaceful.

We layed on the trampoline,
it was around 30 degrees outside.

I was cuddled into your side,
your body is always warm.

We stared at the stars.
I can't tell you for how long,
but it felt infinate,
neverending.

Jupiter peaked through an abundance of trees,
you pointed and asked
what planet that was.

I told you of my favorite constellation
and showed you.

Do you remember my favorite
constellation?

More importantly,
do you even remember that night?

Who knew that my hero would be
someone I never met?
How could it be I feel like I know him
even though I don't?
How could his being make such a huge impact on me,
and how was it that it was him that made me decide
not to end my life?
Why is it that I know he loves me
when he doesn't even know me?

Austin Carlile,
you are my hero.

I FELT LIKE I DIDNT HAVE THE RIGHT TO WANT TO PUT MY ARMS AROUND YOU AND TELL YOU YOURE HOME AND I DONT KNOW WHY BUT I CANT SAY IT OUT LOUD AND I NEED TO GET OVER MYSELF AND MOVE ON

I'm moving on.
It's over.
We're done.

I'm giving you up.

It was NOT necessary for those ignorant ******* to protest today.
There was NO need for those graphic signs and mean words.
There were ******* CHILDREN seeing those signs.

People need to get their heads out of their ******* ***** and realize what women do does NOT ******* effect them.
They "****" a ******* FETUS.
A fetus who CAN'T feel anything
because their nerves haven't developed yet.
A fetus is just a bunch of CELLS.

I hate the ignorant part of the human race who think they have ******* control over others.
Get your head out of your ******* *** and realize you are a piece of trash.

I really hope people don't think that things I say
are a call for help.
I don't need help,
because I'm perfectly fine.
I have a damaged soul,
and I don't think I can repair it.
I think I'll be okay,
I just need some reassurance sometimes.
I'm sad,
and I don't know why.

He left his heart in my chest,
and that is the only thing I have left.

youre everywhere
your smell is clouding my room
stained into my pillows
youre in my favorite song
and our song especially
my skin burns where you touched me
i can still feel your arms around me
i can taste you in my mouth
i can feel your stare melting into my flesh
and your moans ringing in my ears

am i everywhere
what do you think
are you ok
how did you feel about it
did it feel good
would you do it again
were u trembling
was your heart beating faster than the speed of light
will you leave me
did i **** up
was it my fault
how bad did you want it
do you feel bad
were you using me
was it actual feelings
will it happen again
would you let it happen again

when did this happen

i got caught
trying to rid
the thought of
you.

I swore
you were an
engravement on my heart.

I loved you from
a distance,
short of a stop.

You left,
without a
note left in my
pocket.

I have torn
ideas of what we
were and what
have always been.

A flower
that will never
bloom again.

Your touches
are burns on my skin.

A sting that will
not fade.


You were an engravement
that was never on my
heart,
only a memory
on my
skin.

Oh,
how you walked by me,
gave me that smile,
held my hand.

You made me choke on my words,
you made me forget how to breath.
I couldn't swallow.

And when you kissed me,
I swear I floated in midair.
And that night you cuddled into the curves of my back,
I smiled.

Nothing quite makes sense when you're by my side,
you ******* alive.

Day by day you remind me how to
breathe,
swallow,
and forget.

And for that,
you are mine.

She knows the feeling.
She knows what it's like to kiss razors.
Little red lines dance across her arm.
Her eyes dream of tomorrow.
I can tell how badly she wants the pain to wear away.
I can tell how scared she is.


Don't worry darling,
I can hear you scream.

I
regret
the
day
I
met

you.

It's true when they say
curiosity killed the cat,
because the curiosity of my father
almost killed me.

I will always love you,
don't forget that.*

I didn't forget it,
but you did.

I died looking in her eyes.

But,
do you ever stop to think,
"Where did the idea come from?"

That's how I think it's possible.

I need her like I need air in my lungs.

I wish I was hungover on her.

Her beauty aligns with the stars in the sky.

I don't need to be high;
I have you.

The amount of scars that line my body could never amount to the love I have for you.

When I almost downed that bottle of pills,
I didn't stop and think that in the future I would have someone as great as you.

That day I fell in love with the taste of your lips.

I told her that every things been going smoothly,
that I'm okay.
The little red lines that run along my skin scream for another answer to give,
but I resisted.

If I had a choice of how to die,
I'd chose for it to be on my own terms.

And just like that,
another friend down the drain.
I did nothing to make you hate me,
but it is what it is...

right?

I blame myself
for what you do to
yourself.

Should've killed myself when I had the chance.

New scar,
new memory,
new story.

I have love on my mind,
and a body that's always next to mine.
I'm still having those thoughts
that turn into huge knot.
My scars are starting to be mended,
oh, how I thought it had ended.

Who am I even writing for anymore?
Certainly not myself.

How clichè,
the rain
falling down on the grass we were sitting in.
You leaned in,
as did I.
"Can I kiss you?"
That one question lead to one peck.
My first kiss,
her's too.

In the bed,
we cuddled and held hands,
that's when your lips once again met mine.

Oh,
how I can get use to the feel of your
soft lips on mine.
I could do it for a lifetime.

It's almost been a year since the last time I starved myself,
and I think it's time to cut back on the food again.

Every Friday night we
hang out and make out.
We talk and listen to music,
and we know the night isn't getting younger.
When you're asleep at my house I always think about sneaking a cigarette,
but I know you can't stand the smell, so I don't.
I end up falling asleep.

Every Saturday morning I awake at your house
and sometimes mine.
You're always the first awake,
playing on your phone.
You lie next to me,
and I put my head on your chest.
I love the sound of your heartbeat.
We eat breakfast, get dressed, and go out sometimes.
By the end of the day, we end up at your house on Saturdays.
We fall asleep like we normally would, cuddling.

On Sunday we wake up,
the normal routine.
We always eat waffles or pancakes with your mom, dad, sometimes your brother and ALWAYS Gary.
We always go somewhere on Sundays,
whether it be New Orleans, the Mall, or the lakefront.
By the end of the day, we go to our separate homes,
and Monday comes.

I swear I will not
overthink
you
this time.

I will not act
on my feelings,
only because I
care about
one of my best friends.

We have not
stopped
talking.

Constantly
back
and
forth.

I think you could
be good for me,
but we will never
know because
I care about
her
too much.