the true joy of sorrow

Why am I so angry?......
What the **** do you think your doing?!
Take your eyes off of your phone for two seconds and take a look around you... Take your focus off the church for one minute and look at the people around you....
Your gaining all the wrong people and pushing away the ones that have always been for you....
I guess that's why I'm so angry..
I got a txt from you today:
"I really do care about your life grace.  Just Don't leave me in the dust" - Dad
Don't leave me in the dust????
ARE YOU ******* KIDDING ME?!?!
Yeah sure your one to talk dad....
"I don't just push people away for no reason"- Grace
Your a ******* joke.
C'mon dad werent you the one that taught me to be there for eachother??
I'm so tired of being the only one that's there for somebody in this relationship...
Going to all your shows, even your practices ... ****
You can't even come to one ******* SHOW!!! You never came to one swim meet..
Not one dance recital...
Not one talent show....
Not one...
Then you have the nerve to tell me not to leave you in the dust???!!!!!
I can't even believe you...
You were there before but now your given up before you even have the chance to try....
No dad you left me in the dust along time ago... And I was the ONE person that stood there with you through it all!!! I was there when everyone turned against you... I agreed with you when everyone else found reasons to disagree...
ALL I EVER WANTED WAS TO BE LIKE YOU, DAD!!!!
....but now?
******* I'm not so sure......
I always stood next to you...
No matter how much you never came through...
But now?
I'm so gone.

Look at me, dad.
I'm finally breaking down...
I'm finally crying...
Is that what you wanted?
I can hear you now..
"You are very important to me... I'm so proud of you!"
Then you turn right around and tell me you're not coming...
"But dad! You promised me..! You told me that you weren't leaving!."
"I'm sorry grace dads got work to do. Dads gotta be at church in five minutes"
I've learned that sometimes you have to walk through life alone...
Sometimes I wish I would have never met you.. So I wouldn't have to feel the pain of you leaving.
God you say you're there for me...
Where the **** are you in this....
When was the last time you answered even one of my prayers?
I guess this Jesus thing works for some people but to me it just seems like I'm hoping in something hopeless...
Dad where are you.....
You lied to me dad... You told me you'd be there for me... YOU PROMISED ME!!!!!
And now these tears have reached my throat..
But you don't care...
"Grace I care! I really do"
******* at least tell the truth..
I hate this.